I tried to control my own life and it lead into chaos and de
I'll never ever again try and control my life against God's will. I've hurt someone very dear to me and now she hates me and I don't think she's going to forgive me in this lifetime. And somehow I just don't want her to forgive me because I know I've deserved all hell and pain I've caused with my own actions.
I don't know what to do anymore so I'm taking what may be my last freefall into God's hands. I just hope that this time I can give myself wholly under guidance of God. I can't go to my church anymore, I've cut myself from the flock and done major damage to my life as a christian.
Last night I was devastated by the consequences of my actions and I was listening to music and waiting for the train which would take me home. I'm a strong character but a voice in my head was telling me to jump under the train and I really did want to but I knew it would be pathetic and distrusting towards God. I felt like being stabbed in my heart when I heard the words "... maybe this time... the prodigal son won't be coming home..." in the song.
He's the only one who can save me now, so Glory to Him.
Bless you guys,
-Jonne-
P.S. Oh, and I'm not suicidal. I'm just not so keen on living if this is how it's turned.
Comments
Jonne;
How are you doing?!
I just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for your situation. I'm not sure what has developed since you posted this, but it really sounds like you are having a hard time forgiving yourself right now, for whatever happened with this person.
For so long, I struggled with unforgiveness towards myself, so I know how you are feeling. After many years of trying and failing, the Lord showed me how to be able to forgive myself, finally, and I will pray the same for you.
Also, please don't think that you cannot go back to church. We all need to be in fellowship with other believers.
I will be praying for you. May the Lord continue to lead and guide you, and may your ears be open and receptive to His voice.
praying for u buddy
Lord, I lift Jonne up to You. Please convince Him how special he is in Your eyes - regardless of his past. Please keep him safe. Please work in his heart so You can rebuild his life into something which glorifies You and fulfills him.
Please surround him with believers who show your grace and forgiveness. Referring to Your parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Gatherer, please surround Jonne with us tax gatherers, and keep the pharisees at bay (especially the pharisee in Jonne's head).
Thanks that You don't just love Jonne, but you like him to.
Thanks for listening, Jesus.