I tried to control my own life and it lead into chaos and de
I'll never ever again try and control my life against God's will. I've hurt someone very dear to me and now she hates me and I don't think she's going to forgive me in this lifetime. And somehow I just don't want her to forgive me because I know I've deserved all hell and pain I've caused with my own actions.
I don't know what to do anymore so I'm taking what may be my last freefall into God's hands. I just hope that this time I can give myself wholly under guidance of God. I can't go to my church anymore, I've cut myself from the flock and done major damage to my life as a christian.
Last night I was devastated by the consequences of my actions and I was listening to music and waiting for the train which would take me home. I'm a strong character but a voice in my head was telling me to jump under the train and I really did want to but I knew it would be pathetic and distrusting towards God. I felt like being stabbed in my heart when I heard the words "... maybe this time... the prodigal son won't be coming home..." in the song.
He's the only one who can save me now, so Glory to Him.
Bless you guys,
P.S. Oh, and I'm not suicidal. I'm just not so keen on living if this is how it's turned.