The Death of My Circus Act:

January 2009. I went off to a Christian college in Florida for the second semester of my freshmen year. I'd never been away from home. I was raised in the Church but at a very young age I had started masturbating which eventually lead to watching porn. At the time I thought all that had "died down" because I had recommitted my life to Christ the previous summer (June 2008)...Anyways I went to college hopeful and excited but found myself lonely. As a copping mechanism I started "talking" to a guy from my high school. Because it was a long distance relationship it involved a lot of pornographic photos I took of myself for him along with pretty much any other way you can have sex via phone...However I soon found myself involved in a relationship with a guy with a different guy. First we made out, that soon progressed to sex. It wasn't much later that I began to realize that not only didn't he love me but he didn't want me at all. I was pretty much his sex toy for a while. And I became addicted to sex. As the semester progressed I was unable to come to terms with the fact that someone wouldn't want me...people had always wanted me and rejection wasn't something I was used to...so I did whatever he wanted to feel wanted. I had stopped talking to my parents by this time and he was all I had.
May 2009 he took me to a pool party at his friends out...I was blindly eager to go; he still didn't want me and even invited another girl along. He ended up leaving me there at his friends house b/c he had church in the morning. So when I woke up he was gone. His best friend liked me so I spent the whole day with him trying to forget the other guy. I didn't really like his friend but he eventually became my replacement. It was so amazing to actually be wanted by someone. He took me places and had wonderful adventures. I started staying with him overnight and having frequent sex with him. I used him to keep myself busy so I didn't have to think about all the crap I had done. My parents still had no clue of what was happening at the time.
In July 2209 all changed when, by what had to be the merciful hand of God, some things went missing in the dorm I was staying at over the summer. I hadn't stolen anything from anybody but like all the other girls I was taken in by my RA to be questioned where I accidently ended up confessing that I had been staying the night at my boyfriend’s house. Because I was at a Christian college I was in big trouble. I ended up getting suspended for a week, i.e. I wasn't allowed on campus. They said they were going to call my parents and make them aware of my situation so I called them first and explained my story. Everyone was devastated...I was their "golden child" and I let them down. Naturally I ended up staying with my boy friend for the whole week where we had constant sex, probably over 45 times in one week. It was easy to live if I didn't think about it...he was my comfort blanket. We watched porn together, made porn together, played video games and drank. It was a week of decadence. My worried parents kept calling and asking me to come home so the more I cried with them, the more I did with him.
By the end of the week my dad told me he loved me and wanted me to come back home. I wanted my dad to sweep in and be my knight in shining armor. Save me from myself...forcefully grab me up and make me do what was right but I had to make the decision on my own and so I reluctantly agreed to have my uncle pick me up from college and take me to South Carolina where I would baby sit my cousins for a week then he would take me to Georgia.
When I left I felt numb. It felt like everyone I knew and loved was being ripped from me and my world was crashing. I was trying really hard to do the right thing but I felt dead, worthless, and ruined. I searched for God but heard nothing, I felt nothing. I kept talking to my boy friend because we had decided to try the long distance thing. I missed him and I was completely addicted to sex by this time and my body was going crazy but I was stuck with my two little adopted cousins (my uncle adopted them...he's now divorced so they don't have a mother or anyone to take care of them while he is at work) who I clanged to for every ounce of love they unknowingly provided. I went from "playing sexy housewife" to being a mother figure to those girls and I think it's what helped me through that first week.
When the week was up, I was taken back to Georgia as promised where I turned into a robot. I barely talked to my parents or anyone else in my family (I have three sisters and a brother). I applied to a new college and waited for August to come so I could leave, start over, no one would know me, and everything would be fine. I continued to "talk" to Jason. I was having horrible violent perverted nightmares about me killing people, people killing me, getting raped, monsters...it was awful. I couldn't sleep at night and it's like I dragged a dark cloud around me as I walked around my house. My family tried to talk to me and help me but there was only pain and hate...I hated my boy friend for not loving me enough to not have sex with me, I hated the guy before him for not wanting me, and I hated my family for letting me ruin myself, letting me destroy my life and then locking me up in their house for them to stare at...I was so tired.
One night I dreamed that I had a beautiful wedding got married and me and my husband were there fixing to consummate the marriage but instead it turned violent and he raped me and left me on the bed bloody and crying...I woke up crying at about 4 in the morning...I had heard earlier in life somewhere that when you’re feeling attacked by the Devil you should say scriptures from the Bible because it's suppose to be your sword. The only thing was I hadn’t read my Bible in months and the only verse I could remember was John 3:16, but I said it out loud over and over and slowly stopped shaking and stopped crying and drifted off back to sleep. When I woke up I was amazed and refreshed and diligently began to read Psalms...I read the whole thing because when night came I wanted a weapon.
At this time I wasn't reading the bible to understand or a relationship with God...I just wanted to sleep and not think about killing people. When I went to bed that night I slept well until around 4 in the morning when I woke up again. I don't remember if I was dreaming something before then but when I woke up I immediately began to cry. The room was dark...my eyes were closed as tears streamed down my neck. I began to dream while I was awake. There was a baby that crawled out of my pillow, down my stomach and into me, and began tearing apart my reproductive system. At the same time I had a vision of an arch doorway which dropped off into a classism. I was walking toward it and it called to me. Insects covered my body like a thick blanket.
I opened my eyes for a moment and watch the light stream in from my window and the song "Trading My Sorrows" popped into my head. A man called after me, running to me and put his hand on my shoulder and the bugs crawled up his arm and off of me. I looked into his eyes and He told me He loved me and He forgives me...I'm not broken or ruined I'm His and He wants me. I sat down in the doorway. He held me there and I drifted off to sleep.
That moment was such an awakening in my life. I began to genially seek after God. I tried to explain what had happened to me to my boy friend but he didn't understand. Because to him, I was his cute sex crazed librarian. We began to argue as I unsuccessfully tried to convert him. In the last email he sent me, he told me I had "changed" and I just thought to myself, Thank You God! I never want to be that person again. I never want to go back. Keep me, hold me, I can't do it alone, take all of me, I'm yours. September 2009 I got rid of my comfort blanket.
God is great isn't He! =D It's not been easy and there is so much more that needs to be dealt with in my life and God's been taking me through it one step at a time. I continue to struggle with porn and masturbation a lot, it was such a huge part of my life before and now that I'm trying to change it's very difficult. But my sexual desires are becoming less and less. It's been a month since I looked at any type of porn (January 2010! Happy New Year!) and I'm so excited to see what God will do this year. He's literally turned my mourning into dancing and I'm so thankful. December 2009. I took my finals and passed every single one of my classes...a thing which seemed impossible just months ago.
January 2010: I made it! I'm not dead or dying or ruined. My God is the God of Healing and Restoration and Hope. He will never leave you or forsake you. He's the God of dreams and second chances. God is real and He loves you and wants a relationship with you. You’re not ruined and you can get through it! There is nothing you can do that is to awful or disgusting for him to handle...He always wants you...always. He chases after you when you’re headed straight for destruction. Allow God to come into your life and make you whole...it's not an overnight magical cure but He is the only thing that can pick you up out of the situation you’re in and set your feet on solid ground.
God Bless!
<3 Always
Julia
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_MQtokXCb4&feature=related
(I absolutely love this song and stand on it everyday...as just a little bit of background about it, Mike lied told everyone he had cancer when he wrote it but he didn't he just had a porn addiction and wanted attention...lots of people were upset when they found out but I think it's so raw and human, I can't count how many times this past year I've lied to cover up a problem...idk...this song just really speaks to me. I hope you take the time to listen to it and really hear the lyrics.)
Healer by Mike Guglielmucci
Lryics:
You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You
I trust in You
I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands