Okay. I gave a brief introduction in the general forum, then realized that I may have come across as a harda** and probably scared the crap out of people who read it.
 
The truth is I do have very strong opinions and my stand on certain issues is unyielding, but I am a kind person. Sometimes, LOL. Part of me wants to reach out and help others who are or have been in similar situations as me, while another part wants to give hell to the perpetrators. I am no angel and have made poor choices, but it has been made clear to me that those choices were made because I was lied to and groomed from a very early age.
 
I won't go into great detail so as not to trigger anyone suffering from PTSD like I do. Beginning at the age of 3, I was subjected to horrifying sexual abuse and child prostitution at the hands of certain family members and a secret circle of pedophiles. This lasted until I was around 5 or 6, and left me with an acute distrust and dislike of older males. There were some incidents of molestation by older males that followed, but not to the previous degree. I began gravitating more and more to females for comfort and security, which led to a whole other series of issues. At the age of 10 I was lured into the home of a middle aged female neighbor who bound and raped me, taking my virginity. By that time, though, I had been so twisted that I believed she had acted out of love. A day or so later, I took flowers to her door.
 
That was the beginning of my addiction to love...or what I perceived as love. My teen years gradually turned into a parade of brief yet intense physical relationships that lacked any real intimacy. I became addicted to alcohol and marijuana as a means of distancing myself from my emotions and fell in with a negative crowd. I began playing in hard rock and heavy metal bands, which only solidified the course I was taking. At 17 I began working in fashion retail and took interest in modeling. A major motivation for this was the opportunity to be surrounded by beautiful women, but I had always been creative and looked toward becoming a designer of avant garde styles. This trend continued until I was 20 and met my future wife.
 
During those late teen years, especially at 18, I had become empty. I had no care for what happened in my life so long as I had female companionship, preferrably with women in their 20's and 30's. At my lowest point, I had gotten the attention of a modeling agency and was encouraged to attend college. I saw escort work as the only available option for the money I wanted and spent too many nights out until dawn. My mother was concerned but felt powerless. My father was the one who started it all and didn't seem to care. Everything came to a head when I had enlisted in the military out of desperation. After a year of being in the program for graduating high school recruits, I was left go due to a temporary but serious skin condition. I was on the verge of suicide and just wanted to get away from my father. I had become friends with an up-and-coming adult film hopeful who invited me to travel to L.A. and join the adult model community. I was captivated by the idea at first, but at the very last moment backed out.
 
Shortly after, I met my future wife and the only reminders of my former pain were stalkers who creeped me out for close to 10 years. I've been happily married since, but not without troubles. When we started having children, I was disturbed by news stories of child abductions and other crimes. This blossomed into the PTSD that I have only managed to overcome this past year with the help of trauma therapy and anxiety medication. I have also faced my love addiction head on and broken those chains.
 
My relationships with my wife and children are now better than ever, yet there is one question that remains for me.
 
Where does God fit into all this? I have avoided religion all my life because of issues with authority and powerful male figures, but just recently began cooperating with a youth pastor on a community project. I don't know if this is a step closer to finding a spiritual relationship or not, but I'm hopeful. My past is behind me, but the inability to trust is still holding me back. If you're reading this, please pray for me to let go and just live.
 
Thanks for listening. Peace.