Hi.

I am not a survivor of the porn industry, but i know what it's like to be used as a blow-up doll. I know what it's like to get your only sense of confidence and identity from your twisted idea of feminine sexuality. I know how stupid you may feel after being so naive for getting involved in your teens, not knowing what you're really getting yourself into. I understand the paradox of escaping the feeling of being dirty and unsafe by putting one's self in a dirty and unsafe situation.

I am not a survivor of the porn industry, but i have been pressured, abused, raped, taken advantage of, involved in stripping/photography in the name of "art"/exposed to all manner of pornography/jelly wrestling and the like.

I have summarised some of my testimony in other parts of this forum, so i will post a couple of links to those so i don't repeat myself...

I was born into a dysfunctional family. 5 siblings. 4 sisters, 1 brother. We're all steps and halves. My dad's first wife (mother of my brother and 2 step sisters) was extremely violent and abusive. I saw her hit my dad when i was 3, and my brother and step sisters were real messed up when they came to live with us. There were 8 of us in a 3 bedroom house, and i didn't have a bed of my own. I was moved around, often sharing a bed with someone. I felt like a bit of a lost child, and didn't really have a sense of boundaries or personal space.

All through primary school (7 years) i was bulllied and psychologically tormented by other broken kids. The adults seemed to turn a blind eye, and the counsellor told me they would stop if i ignored them. I did my best but they'd just keep going til i cracked. The boys started letting me hang around with them, so i learned alot of my early social skills from relating to guys.

Home wasn't pleasant. Mum and dad would fight alot, occassionally she would kick him out. They split up once for nine months, then for good when i was 12. I also fought alot with everyone in my family. My dad avoided everyone and everything by consuming lots of alcohol and gambling and taking dumb risks.

Both my parents were very broken, and did not have the capacity alot of the time to give me the love i needed.

When i was about 6 or 7, my dad got us to do scripture lessons at school. It was there that i learned about God. I decided that i would hate God because if i was against Him, I wouldn't have to feel bad about not being good enough for Him because i thought i was bad. So i would swear at Him whenever i thought of Him, just to hurt Him, and i would talk and pray to the devil.

One day, when i was about 8, we said a prayer in scripture class that would "lock Jesus into your heart forever". I was really angry because i didn't want to pray that prayer but i thought i would get into trouble if i didn't. So i prayed the words and i believed it would have power, but i told God at the end how angry i was and how much i still hated Him.

I noticed something inside me had changed when i went to swear at Him some time after that prayer. I felt grief in my spirit, which i know now was the Holy Spirit in me, convicting me. I kept trying to hate God, swearing at God, but i would stop in my tracks. I couldn't do it any more because i felt His pain and it wasn't me anymore. And afterwards, i started feeling drawn to talk to Him. It was almost a tangible, physical pull. I was scared to talk to Him because i thought He would zap me dead if i faced what I had done - the worst i thought i could do, on purpose, to hurt God.

But one day, i went with it. I went into my parents room and prayed. I said sorry to God, and told Jesus that if He wanted, i would like to be friends. Half way through that prayer, i felt the most pure, strong, unconditional love and unconditional forgiveness i have ever felt, a concept i had not understood untiil that point. It completely changed me. From that point on, i had a relationship with God.

I would get teased every day, have no friends, come home from school, fight with everyone, hear everyone fighting, my mum would send us to bed at 8:30 while she glued herself to the TV, and then i would have my time with God. He was my secret source of strength, He was my life. I would bask in His love, marvel at creation, ask Him questions, tell Jesus He was rude for not saying "please" or "thank you" in the bible. I loved God, and i wanted to live my life for Him some how. I wasn't sure how. I thought either i would have a big farm somewhere with animals and fruit trees, and get rich so i could give 90% of the money to the poor people, or i would become a nun.

Well, that all changed when i was 9 years old. At least, i was deceived into thinking it did. I was abused by one of the boys who had started letting me hang out with them at school. I don't know what the technical definition of rape is, but if it wasn't, it was pretty close to it. The hardest part to understand is why i did it if i didn't want to. If i didn't want it, then i wouldn't have done it right? But if i did it, then i must have wanted to. But i knew that i didn't want to do it. The abuse involved alot of psychological and emotional manipulation, and i remain convinced that this boy learned those techniques from an adult in his world. Mum found me at his place after going to pick me up somewhere where i was meant to be. I was always good like that, so she was very worried. She yelled at me in the car and didn't talk to me for awhile after that. I didn't know how to tell her what happened, and i vowed to myself that no one could know because i would rather die than face a moment of anyone knowing the shame of what i had done.

The biggest sense of loss was the one i felt with God. I thought i would be going to hell for having sex outside of marriage, and that i was too defiled to be of any use to God in this life. I was absolutely devestated, and i died inside that day. I began contemplating suicide. Then, for a while, those memories were suppressed. I think that was an answered prayer.

Anyway, death came in. I started not caring so much. I started drifting from God. I started becoming angry at school.

Then before i started high school, i went to a Chrisitan camp for underprivelaged kids, where i was groomed by an older woman. She would feel me accidentally on purpose at random intervals, and it really confused me because she seemed to be unaware so i thought it must have been in my head, coming from my thoughts, from something sick in me.

Throughout high school, i was abused by a homeless man in the back of a bus, felt up in a mosh pit...there is more but my mind supressed is.

Between 12-14, things between me and my mum were not good. She would kick me out here and there, and i ran away once. Mum would often verbally abuse me, and i became hardened and bitter towards her, and unsurprised at the severity of her abuse. I began to hate her. I felt that God wash challenging me about this, and it was very hard, but i held onto the bitterness in my heart, and became hardened towards Him. Bit by bit, His throne was eroding in my heart.

I also started becoming involved in the occult. Star sign rubbish at first, which later became spirit contact and eventually spirit guides, natal charts, mediums/fortune tellling, tarots, auras, everything you can think of.

When i was 14, i became unwell in my mind. The closest association i could make is bipolar disorder, only sped up from a cycle of 3 weeks to 24 hours. I would be paranoid and analytical of everything and everyone around me in the mornings, tormented constantly. In the afternoons, the same-ish. After school, i would eat lots of bread and cereal because that's all we had in the house. I was not getting sufficient money for my lunches at school, so i usually didn't eat during the day. After school, i would be okay-ish, then at night, i could never sleep. It would take me between 12:30 and 3:30am to get to sleep. And every night, i would be writing about how much i hated my life, how i wanted to self-harm, depressed teenagey stuff. Until some light of madness would switch on in my head. Suddenly, i knew what i was going to do with the rest of my life! Suddenly, i knew better than everyone else in the whole world! I was going to be this, that, famous, have my own island, write musicals, be a genius...it was something different every night. I would plan and plan and plan this madness in writing, until i eventually got 4-6 hours sleep, to wake up with a hang over the next day. (No, i was not on drugs!) This was the darkest and most scariest time in my life, and the worse it got, the more i was ignored and treated as an attention seeker.

Around this time, i don't believe it is a coincidence that i was also being blackmailed and manipulated by the boy who had abused me at 9. He would threaten to tell people what i did unless i did favours for him. Not sexual, just get him a drink, or be his slave for a day. And because i was absolutely terrified of anyone ever finding out, i would cave in to his control every time.

My mum kicked me out once again, so i went to stay with my dad, but i ended up staying there for 18 months. It was good for the first year (certainly compared to my mum's). It was soon after that that my mind began to settle down. But my dad got retrenched, got paid out from the settlement with mum, started drinking more, wasted the money on gambling and things he didn't need, and soon it was an absolute nightmare. My dad wasn't violent, but he could be very verbally and emotionally abusive. He would tell me of some ailment he had that could result in death, and he would threaten to drive out into the bush to die if it got to that point. He would also verbally abuse me and started becoming interested in women other than my mum.

One day, i found a porn magazine in his wardrobe. I told him, and he told me his friend wrote an article in it and that's the only reason he had it. I also found some really stupid video...i guess it was porn. Guy, girls, not really doing anything, but not ideal for a teenager to find in her dad's collection.

At 15, whilst i was living with my dad, i renounced my faith in God. I thought i would feel free, but it was a strange kind of free. I felt like i was a kite on a string, but i had severed the string. I would fly aimlessly (or "freely") until i crashed, but i was designed to be on a string.

I ended up in a refuge, then another refuge, then back to my mum's where things got worse, then to an "open minded" (gay/gay friendly) sharehouse. I was with a guy who was going back overseas in a few months, so it wasn't heaps serious, but i found out that he had some bet going with his friends on how many "points" he could score with girls while he was here, and he went cold on me at the end and flirted with my friends who flirted back. I'm pretty sure he ended up sleeping with one of them. I was really devestated, mainly because it was around a time when i had no one and i had started relying on him emotionally.

I became very suicidal and my school put me in touch with the crisis team.

A month later, i went to get a haircut at some dodgy place. The man took a really long time and told me i was his special friend. (I was 17, still naive). He ended up sexually assaulting me and really messing with my head. He also tried to get me involved in prostitution and wanted to take me to China. That went through court for over 2 years. A week later, i met the guy who i shared about here in "Comments to Shelley" and "Help for Female Porn Addiction":

http://www.shelleylubben.com/forum/viewtopic.php?id=793
http://www.shelleylubben.com/forum/viewtopic.php?id=795

(This also summarises my involvent in the industry and the nature of my relationship with this guy).

He smoked alot of pot, and i started smoking too here and there, until i had a psychotic breakdown. I also became very unmotivated and apathetic about my ambition to finish school and pursue studies in music. I dropped out of school, moved in with him, and tried to find work in the music industry. For the first two years while i was with him, and while this other thing was going through court, i would get nightmares and flashbacks and could not even hug my own dad without flipping out. Any touch from a man was sexual according to my mind.

I became extremely depressed and was on and off medication. I became worse and worse, including during my time in the industry, and ended up in hospital at 19 for depression and suicidal intentions. By this time, i was often mistaken for a junkie because i was so thin and pale, but this is because i was often neglecting myself and didn't eat alot.

I was still away from God. Faaaaar away. But He wasn't far away from me.

Alot of people in hospital were Christian, and alot of people there believed they were tormented by demons. The doctors say this is a side effect of alot of psychotic conditions, but now as a Christian, i believe there is some truth in that "delusion".

After i got out of hospital, on meds, doing my best to hold down a job, slowly slowly getting better...i almost ended up back in there a month later, but a few months after that, i was feeling alot better. I knew that it was not my sheer willpower or purely a chemical change that had brought me to that point. I knew that someone or something out there was intervening in my life. God, allah, buddha, whatever the real deal was. So i asked the real one to come into my life. And He did, despite the fact i lived in a muslim populated area, where Mormons, Jovies and Christian Scientists would preach on the streets. A girl started working at a youth-at-risk place i frequented, who had no experience and who knew nothing about computers. She was only a temp, but i believe God sent her on a mission for me. She shouted me lunch and asked me along to her church, i said "sure". I saw this as an answered prayer.

I started wanting a bible and i wasn't sure why. It was just on my mind and it was bugging me. So one day, when i was at the Salvation Army getting a food voucher, i stole a New Testament from the table in the waiting room.

I went to the girl's church, and did not respond to the altar call, and thought the pentecostal thing was interesting. I had never been exposed to charismatic Christianity before.

Then a few weeks later, i had a friend call me who i used to work with (just normal work) who had asked me a few times in the past to come along to church. The last time she asked me, i was really rude to her. This time, i said "okay". Little did i know, she and a group of her friends had been praying and fasting for my salvation.

A few weeks after going to that church, i was walking down a main street near where i lived. And a horrible darkness came over me. I had compulsions to throw myself in front of a moving car on the highway. I knew at that point my need for God, my need for a Saviour, because my sin was overwhelming me and He was the one with the authority who had brought me that degree of healing since hospital. So i got in a taxi and went to church. They had 5 minutes left. I heard the end of the guy's sermon, then he started the altar call. That's all i was there for. My life didn't suddenly change in a flash, but that was the day my life started getting better.

I was 20, still living with the ex, still active, still messing with the occult. I was honest about my life with people at the church, and they accepted me unconditionally and didn't try to lecture or force anything on me. I had a pastor show me some scriptures about God's will when it comes to the lifestyle of a Christian, then left me with it. But it was God who convicted me in His timing, and it was me who made the choice to make changes to my lifestyle.

God has taught me so much. He has healed me so much, poured His love into my heart, broken through the web of darkness with His light, and shown Himself to me through His people who loved and gave to me unconditionally, with no expectation of a "returned favour".

It took time to get steady. It took time to overcome the self harming habit i'd had since the age of 10. It took time to overcome the depression, the suicidal thoughts and desires, the destructive behaviours and risk taking that i continued to spiral into every so often. It took time for my sexuality and my identity to heal, for me to even consider the idea of liking another male again let alone getting married let alone being sexually active and enjoying it.

I am grateful to God for all He has done in my life. It has been 5 1/2 years since i recommitted my life to God. Since then, i have changed so much. People tell me i look different. I am married to a beautiful, loving, gentle husband who loves me and who i feel safe with. I am part of an amazing church, a healing community where i can receive healing and be a vessel for God as He heals others. I live in a lovely place near a nice big park and near the water, where lots of families have picnics and kids go crazy in the playground. I am still on medication for depression, still seeing a psychologist, still struggling with self harm occassionally. But i hold on to God's promise, because i know it's His will for me to be healed of these things too. I am also studying for my high school equivelant, and am considering becoming a teacher, unless God yanks me into ministry first! My life is filled with hope, and i am excited about the future and i have lots of dreams. Before, when i thought of the future, i only saw black (death) or jail. But what i see now is so far from that.

I believe i will be in ministry one day. I'm not sure when, and i'm not exactly sure what i'll be doing, but i want to help women and i want to see people healed emotionally, mentally, psychologically, spiritually, sexually, physically...not sure if i missed anything there, but those too if i did.

I still struggle with my family dynamics. There are still dramas most of the time. It can really get to me sometimes. But i just do my best to remember the way God has provided for me, and i draw strength from Him and my spiritual family.

Sorry this is so long. I hope it glorifies God and not my past.

One last thing i would like to add...

God has been bringing up this aspect of my past lately. One thing that has bugged me on and off is why someone who wants to escape a dirty and unsafe situation would go straight into an even worse dirty and unsafe situation. I wondered what my motives really were when i chose to get involved in this industry. The attention? The money? Yes to both. Feeling significant, like i exist, like i'm something to someone? Even scum is better than nothing. Absolutely.

This is something i shared recently on another "survivors" website:

"I think that for me, it was about being invincible. I figured that i was going to get that attention anyway (mainly because of the type of company i kept), so it didn't matter if i was a bag lady or a stripper, they still saw and wanted the same thing. Also, choosing to strip for money was my choice with my body, therefore i was the one in control. If i wanted to do that, then i was getting the attention because i was making the choice to put myself in that position, rather than trying to mind my own business and being harrassed by some dirty old man on the train.

Therefore, if i'm making a choice with my own body, i'm the one in control, and acceptance is guaranteed, and there are security staff there to "enforce" the boundaries, then i am emotionally and physically safe. If i am in control, emotionally safe, and physically safe, then i am invincible."

The industry is not glamourous, but my mind still struggles with this lie. You get slapped on the butt, touched, handled in ways you didn't consent to, treated like meat, you always get guys who want more than the service you thought you were there to provide, security look all tough but turn a blind eye when it comes to your safety and boundaries, drunk idiots on their bucks nights who do drugs during the sessions. If this is how unsafe the "non-penetrative" side of the industry is, i would hate to imagine the trauma porn stars are put through.

Again, i hope this wasn't too long, and i hope it achieved the purpose of glorifying God, even though it was about me me me.

I am being bold here, but that's because i'm anonymous. We know all about being anonymous, with our working names and all. But what if i was to be this bold and share my testimony with someone in my world who knows who i am? A friend, my church, my pastors? Or people who are in the industry who may be inspired by my story? Then i feel inadequate as well. Alot of people have been more heavily involved than me. Alot of people have gone further, into prostitution and porn etc etc. Alot of these girls and guys have had severe drug problems before or as a result, which i can't really relate to. Who am i to think i can relate on the same level? Worse things have probably happened in their lives. I know this is the enemy, but would appreciate some encouragement if you relate to where i'm coming from.

Ok, gonna finish here. Thanks for reading!

Cheers

oneofus