Hello Im Scott and i have succumb to Satans tempation.

I grew up in a healthy loving family, although i was very quiet and witdrawn and found it difficult to talk openly to people. I never experienced any sort of abuse as a child, the only thing i had to endure was being mugged when i was very young which is something which caused be to become very defensive when it came to talking to people.

I was baptised as a christian and i use to attend church with my local scout group but stopped going after i left them. It was also at this time i stopped talking to God.

My first exposure to pornography was when i was about 8/9, i discovered some magazines my father had hidden the the images enthralled me. I had never seen a naked women and found them mesmerising.

A few years later I had moved onto hardcore porn movies, I would wait til my parents were out and go and get videos my father had hidden, this went on for a couple of years and then we got the internet and that is when my addiction really took hold.

With access to the internet and my growing addiction I would take every oppurtunity i could to look at porn, and like all addictions there comes a point when your usual fix doesnt satisfy you and you move onto stronger things.

The same was true with my addiction I went from looking at what i call normal sex scenes (1 man and 1 woman) and images to more and more harder porn. As my addiction grew so did my desire to view more extreme acts, i got to the point were i found normal sex scenes boring unless they had an actress i liked in them and moved on to watching groupsex and simulated rape scenes.

As i got older my tastes changed and i looked at material i would never of even imagined, through the adverts and pop ups on porn sites i was introduced to sites involving sex between humans and animals and even though i knew it was wrong i found it stimulating at a primodial level.

In more recent years I returned to watching group and anal scenes and aquired a taste for transexual porn. I also started buying adult movies and buying subscriptions to adult websites.

I have tried in the past to stop and have had times were i could go a few days without looking it at, but i had more than enough images burnt into my brain to be able to think about it instead.

All the while this was going on in my life i had become distant from people, i was still very defensive to to point i would be quite agressive towards people trying to get close to me. People would even avoid being around me as I had a tendancy to make them feel miserable.

Due to my first experience of women being in porn i was never able to connect with women properly, in a way i started to hate women because of this which caused my to enjoy groupsex scenes even better especially involving 1 women and many men. "Edited by Admin"

Pornography also effected me sexually, due to all the porn i had watched over the years and the acts i had seen women perform i felt inadequate and felt i would not be able to satisfy a women especially considering a large majority of the male pornstars i had seen were well endowed. I also intamacy issues due to me shutting out a lot of things and a result of this my first sexual experience was this year when i was 29.

My mental health was in deteriorating all the time i was watching this, it got to the point were i gave up caring about my own well being and put everyone else first. My ownly true friend became porn, it was always there when i needed it and never complained.

Suicide was something i had been considering for a long time, it first popped into my mind in 1996 after being told i would never be able to join the army due to my health issues (I have suffered from Asthama since i was as baby).

Over the years I had various patches were i seriously considered ending my life but the thoughts of what my family would think stopped me. In the last couple of years I have gone from thinking "should I" to "How do I", after losing the 2 members of my family i felt closest too I knew the path i was going to walk. It was also at this time when i started to hate God, i blamed him for my loss.

I made a few attempts on my life but none were serious and were easy to hide. So my life went on and then wether by chance or divine intervention whilst browsing a porn forum i came across a link to a porn star memorial video.

The images that were displayed at first didnt mean much but then i started seeing pornstars i had seen in some of the films i had watched, some of them were stars that i enjoyed watching. These images plus the music really hit home, I could not hold back my tears.

It was from the info on this video I found this site, and after reading a lot of testimaonial and watching ex porn stars telling the truth about the industry I felt like i had sold my soul. I had lived a life that was nothing but lies and fantasy when in truth i had supported an industy that thinks nothing of destroying a persons life and soul.

The amount of guilt and shame i now felt can not be explained in words, on the 2 November I decided that was it, I waited at home til i was alone then took a massive overdose of pain killers. Knowing were i was going for the life i had lead i was ready to accept my punishment.

Before laying down to sleep forever i prayed to God, I asked for forgivness, help to get my family through the aftermath of what i had done and for the pink cross team for the help they give so selflessly.

But alas i wasnt allowed to just give up, i was found several hours later and rushed to hospital. I have spoken to many people since then, but i am still uncomfortable talking about the extent of my addiction like i have here.

i feel God has given me a chance, I can try to earn atonement for my sins and wrong doings, or I can revert to my old ways. After seeing what porn has done to me, I hope and pray i can one day live a life 100% porn free.

As for my healing process, I now happily talk to God through pray daily but do not attend church as i dont think i have earnt the right to enter such a holy place. Trying to stop viewing porn is a different story, although i have drastically cut down I still have urges sometimes that i just cant fight.

But i can't watch porn with the same sense of satisfaction that i use to knowing what i know now, but when do i sink and watch it i try to think about what ex pornstars have said or watch videos showing what they had to endure instead but this does not alway work.

They say God is always testing us and maybe this is the first of many tests that i have to confront, it is a test that i feel i must pass.

After hving time to reflect on my life and what I have missed out on due to my addiction and weakness I hope and pray for people in my position, some have eneded up in worse positions than me and this upsets me and that is why i come to this site often, The strengh and courage shown by people here helps, it inspires me to believe that i CAN have a happy life free from porn.

Finding this site gave me a major kick up the backside, and made me realise i still have a chance at a good life and for that i thank everyone here from the bottom of my heart for helping me to see that.

Although i have accepted God into my heart i still am unable to forgive myself for the harm and injustices i have commited through my actions and until I can forgive myself i do not believe God can forgive me.

I fight everyday to try and live a better life that is free from porn, which in todays society with porn and suggestive images around every corner it is not an easy opponent to defeat but it is a fight i can not afford to lose, I sat with the devil once but I do not want to sit with him gain.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I am sorry if it is offensive reading but being completely honest to me is the first step on the road to salvation

I would like to share the words of a song i found whilst looking at prayers of healing.

One Day Ar A Time
"Edited by Admin"

And with that i am done, I pray for people both trapped in the industry and for those trapped in a worl of addiction.