My Story Six months ago before I found this website. I was completely screwed up. I didn’t realize how far I had fallen. I was watching porn on the internet daily. I was masturbating 3 to 4 times a week, yet I only had sex with my wife about once every six months. There were times where I wasted 2 hours a day looking at porn when I should have been working. I knew it was a problem. But I didn’t believe I was in any way addicted. I had always considered myself a good Christian and that my only flaw was my appetite for porn. I viewed myself as a good citizen who paid his taxes, didn’t steal, didn’t do drugs, and was a devoted family man. I am only now beginning to realize how sinful porn is. Like a lot of people I assumed I could quit anytime I wanted too. Internally I felt my wife was partly to blame for my porn addiction. [edited by admin] Those were the things that really excited me. I knew she didn’t like any of that stuff before I married her because we were having pre-marital sex for three years, but that didn’t seem to matter, I just liked complaining to myself. Every time I wanted sex from her she would give it to me and never refused, but it was the same routine over and over. [edited by admin] I wanted to divorce her. The stuff that did and didn’t go on in the bedroom was just part of the argument I use to justify my behavior regarding porn and strip clubs. I always felt I was cheated somehow. Over the years my porn appetite had gotten worse. I really started enjoying bondage and other types of humiliations. I knew it was wrong but I was just so fascinated and turned on erotically I wouldn’t stop. Porn had always been a part of my life in some form or another since I was a teenager but suddenly several months ago I started hearing a voice in my head that kept saying, “You can’t get into heaven this way. This road leads to death.” I heard it every time I went to log on to the computer to view porn. I now know the voice was from God, but at the time I tried to pretend it is me just talking to myself. I kept telling the voice that as soon as things calm down a bit in my life and I am not so stressed by the daily grind I will stop. I had never been able to stop watching porn before but I truly believed that I could quit anytime I wanted to. Another strange incident kept happening too. I had this idea in my head that every time I went to view internet porn or watch soft core porn on the satellite television, there were demons hanging around my house watching the porn with me. I didn’t know why I had that feeling and thought maybe my mind was playing tricks on me. Sometimes I would tell myself it was just my imagination, but then other times I felt as if I could see things out the corner of my eye or sometimes when I was half asleep I would think I’d see shapes hanging around. I’m not sure when then idea originated but it was a persistent feeling I had. I have two small children so the idea really bothered me. I do believe in God and I believe that demons are real. I also know the power of Jesus so I would arrogantly ask him to remove all evil in my house, if in fact there was any, after I watched the movie. It seemed to work but days later I would watch another soft core on the satellite the strange feelings would start up again, so I would ask Jesus to clear out my house again even though I wouldn’t turn off the movie. To Jesus’s credit I do believe he cleared the house out every time. This pattern repeated itself over and over. I would sometimes doubt if any of it was real and maybe it was all in my mind. Later after I found the Pink Cross website and I read April Garris’s story regarding her experiences with demons and I think well maybe there is something to that idea and I was right not to dismiss it and calling on Jesus was the right thing to do. One day I heard some news regarding my wife’s friend. She was and is an alcoholic. Her husband couldn’t take it anymore. He was threatening to kick her out. They didn’t have the money to send her to rehab. Despite her drinking she is a really great person who has been through a lot. At the time I know I should have felt bad for her but I couldn’t feel any sympathy for her. I was viewing so much porn on a daily basis, I lusted after women 24/7. I had always thought she was attractive and had lusted after her but never revealed it to anyone. Around her I just tried to be a gentleman. An idea popped into my head. Because my wife was saddened by the situation, I told my wife she could stay with us if she needed to. My wife thought that was nice of me. She had no idea I had an ulterior motive. You see, I was so into porn and into myself that I couldn’t see things clearly. Fantasy and reality were beginning to be blurred. I was beginning to really want to act out my porn fantasies in real life. After years of digesting porn I had finally gone as far as I could go with the books, movies, strip clubs and the internet. Fidelity was beginning to mean nothing to me. My hope was that she would come to live with us and maybe somehow my wife, she and I would all end up in bed together. I don’t know why I thought that was possible. I just knew when I masturbated and watched porn I always fantasized about group sex. I often masturbated to my wife’s friends or sometimes my friends’ wives. It was evil to think like this and the scary part was; here was a woman whose life was crumbling around her. Her alcohol problems were partly the cause of her being molested by a relative. Of course I knew all this, but it didn’t seem to matter. I was only thinking of myself and what I wanted. In my porn addicted mind I was telling myself that this woman just needed some love from a real man. Hey, she used to be pretty wild in college. I kept telling myself that she is a party girl at heart and that her alcoholism is a result of everyone not letting her explore her sexuality. It was crazy talk but I was in a porn haze and not thinking clearly. I also thought her husband was a square goodie-goodie type and was probably too judgmental and didn’t know what he had. If he had been doing his job in the bedroom she probably wouldn’t have relapsed. I know now that was more crazy talk. Why I thought that maybe I could talk my wife into a threesome, I’ll never know? She never gave any indication that was a fantasy of hers but I was grasping at anything and started to believe that’s what my marriage needed. I tried telling myself that maybe my wife was secretly bisexual and maybe that’s why we didn’t have sex that much. Maybe my wife would probably put out more if I spiced things up in the bedroom. It didn’t matter that my wife had never once gave any indication that she was into women. I didn’t care that my wife’s friend was such a mental and emotional wreck that mentioning the proposition would violate a trust she had in me and the incident would do more harm than good. At that point I was so into porn I didn’t even realize how ridiculous the idea would have sounded to two women who most likely don’t watch porn. I had sex on my mind constantly and was always fantasizing. Deep down inside I knew those thoughts were evil. Even though I didn’t want to ask for forgiveness because I loved living in fantasy, I told the Lord I was sorry for having those thoughts. I didn’t like having to pray to God to intervene for something I wanted so badly. Sometimes I would think that I could do a little evil and then ask for forgiveness later. I knew it was wrong but I lusted all the time. Well the situation with my wife’s friend seem to linger for a couple weeks and her husband hadn’t kicked out yet so I just kept up my daily routine of watching porn on the internet. Well I don’t know exactly how or why but I stumbled onto Shelley Lubben dot com. Thank the Lord I did. I start reading the testimonies. Almost immediately I felt the Lord fill me up. The evil I had been involved in hit me like a ton of bricks. My eyes began tearing up. I couldn’t stop reading the personal testimonies and the facts about porn. All the questions I had about sex workers were answered. Suddenly things weren’t as confusing as they once were. I was always confused as to how women would have kinky sex in those movies but not act like that outside the adult entertainment industry. I would get angry and bitter and feel cheated. But now I know that the whole industry is just a lie. Everything makes sense now. The male stars that I thought were lucky I suddenly pitied them. The stories of abuse by the female stars made me angry and sad. It never once occurred to me that the adult entertainers weren’t enjoying themselves. That really opened my eyes. I was so disgusted with myself for wasting so much time with porn. I felt ashamed and guilty. The Lord worked very fast in me. Instantly I didn’t want to watch people being used. Now I get really depressed thinking about the movies and porn doesn’t have the same pull on me as it once did. Within weeks of finding Pink Cross I had stopped watching porn almost completely only stumbling twice in six months. I stumbled because I tried to trick myself into believing that surely there are some women out there that like the kind of sex in pornography. But after both times I knew I was wrong. People are trapped in that world. My masturbation has dwindled down to 2 to 3 times a month. I haven’t been able to completely stop that habit. I only used to be able to masturbate if I was viewing porn. Now I can do it with just my imagination. But even that desire is disappearing and I have been making a conscience effort to have sex with my wife more. It is tough because of work and the kids, but it starting to be a couple of times a month. When my wife and I are having sex, I haven’t fantasized that I am somewhere else. This is a major improvement. It’s been years since I was able to appreciate her. I am working to slow the sex down and really just enjoy being in the moment. Another thing that happened quickly was within several days of no porn I started seeing things much clearer. I realized I was trying to deal with stress and like an addict I was trying to stimulate pleasure centers in my brain. I also have started noticing women in a non-sexual way. I see them as attractive but I haven’t been viewing them as prospect for sex. I just see their femininity. The strange thing is I think I must be carrying myself differently. I am somehow putting out a vibe of friendliness and I must be more approachable. I find women coming up and talking to me more. From women I know and also women that I don’t know, women who are in the work force. Cashiers and waitresses and other kid’s moms are just carrying on conversations with me. They are friendly. I have been forced to slow my own daily routine down and engage them in conversation. I am not doing anything differently that I know of, but they are feeling comfortable with me. As I write this I can’t believe what an [edited by admin] I have been for so long. I have always been friendly and polite on the outside and even helpful but on the inside I was lusting constantly. Not viewing porn has done something positive about my persona. I’ve decided since I am a married man I will try and be a good husband. I think it is important I try and be part of the solution and not part of the problem. As things have turned out our alcoholic friend checked into a rehab clinic for 45 days and came out and is doing fine and her husband and her are staying together for now. I saw them the other day and the husband told me this was the happiest he has been in a long time. I know this was God at work. I have only been dealing with this issue for 6 month but I feel God has really helped me greatly. I see things much clearer now. I honestly didn’t want to write to this blog but I since everybody’s contributions have helped me I thought the responsible thing to do was write one as well. I was afraid of acknowledging that I was addicted to porn and ashamed, but I can’t deny that I was. It’s more important to help people who are suffering. Thank you everybody and especially thank you Shelley Lubben. Hoping2bhelpful