My Story
Hi! I would like to share my story so far. I am currently working on my recovery from porn, stripping and prostitution, and think it might help with the healing. As a child i always felt strange, like there was something wrong with me and like I was out of place. I later learned this was from early sexual abuse. My parents were distant and my father was angry and violent at times. My mother was passive and pleasing to him. I wanted to fit in and belong somewhere. I didn't have many friends, but began hanging around with the wrong crowd and doing drugs at 13. I wanted to be accepted by them. By the time I was a teenager i was a hard drug user, heavy drinker, dropped out of school, ran away, had sex with random people I did not love, dressed like a hooker, and was totally out of control. I even got arrested for shoplifting and went through the court system. That didn't stop me. What did was overdosing on ecstasy while pregnant, and getting sexually assaulted at the same time. I decided i had to abort my baby. I saw my baby's tiny body on the ultrasound beforehand and felt so bad. I still do to this day feel the pain of that. I felt so hated, and hated myself so much. I quit partying and got my diploma through night school. I worked hard on myself at this time determined to change and be the best person i could be. I developed a relationship with god during this time and it helped me. I was working a few jobs as well. It didn't last long. I met two pornographers that wanted me to be on their "modeling website". They offered me 7,000 a month to do it. I thought it was a god chance to earn some fast money to go to school, and get ahead in life. They also made me feel loved and accepted, and I liked the attention. I took thousands of pictures for them, hated the experience, and when I saw myself on the internet naked and exploited for all to see I hated myself for what I did. Of course they didn't pay me and it turned into a fight to get them to take it down. They removed it eventually. I continued to work on myself and tried to move my life in the right direction. I went to tourism school, and worked a couple different jobs, that I always left or got fired from. I wasn't okay for some reason even though i tried...I never really healed from my life like i should have. I never got the help i needed during these times and always felt alone. I was sick inside of my body, and had psychological problems, I self mutilated a lot and was always up and down, but didn't know where to go for help. I eventually turned back to drugs and got lost again. I went to another porn producer that wanted me to do boy/girl..I didn't really want to but he wanted to inspect my body first. It was really creepy and I remember him telling me to bend over while he examined my body with his eyes. I passed his examination and he wanted me, i didn't want to do it, and I decided not to. I went home to my apartment and cried for hours. I downed a bottle of sleeping pills and hoped I wouldn't wake up, but I didn't take enough. I eventually stared web cam modeling for a company which didn't pay well for what you had to do, and the producers wanted me to do a porn site again or movies. no thanks...I decided to try out stripping. I stripped for two years, and prostituted as well. I was getting sicker and sicker, I was drinking heavily, not taking care of myself, doing hard drugs, and getting assaulted. I had a "boyfriend" that stole my money, carried a gun and physically abused me for a few months. I also wasn't allowed to express my feeling to him. I got drugged one night by a customer and ended up being rushed to the hospital, i was hallucinating and they had to strap me to a stretcher. i traveled the world working and never stayed in one place for long. My life was so out of control. I just wanted to die so badly and saw no way out. I lost myself and i didn't care what happened to me. The money was no compensation compare to the pain I felt inside. Although i was always smiling thought the whole thing and pretending to be so happy, loving every minute of the party. It was what I had to do to make money. I always prayed, and felt god was with me during all of this. I saw Shelley's you tube testimony early last year after I had just gotten in criminal trouble again, and it gave me inspiration to try to live a better life. She gave me hope that i could get better.. I did get a real job in the summer for a little while, but was so mentally ill from my years of abuse I fell back into stripping. I got abused so badly my last experience by a man that I can't bring it to mind or write about what happened. I left again and I was way too ill. I went into a psychotic breakdown where I lost my reality for three days. I thought my life was a plot from the government to make me a sex slave for everyone else. It is very scary now that I reflect on it that there was so much stress it snapped me into psychosis. I wound up branded very mentally ill and am still on medication and under outpatient psychiatric care. I am really happy about this because they are helping me a lot with my life and it is keeping me on track. I cant go back because I will just go downhill again. I want to take care of myself now. I am starting a new job that I am grateful for. Good influences are coming to me and I am starting to like myself again. I feel like things are going to be different now that I am really not being too proud and getting SERIOUS help. I'm starting to work out my problems on a deeper level and know god is there to help me through. I can feel the love inside of me and around me. I'm so grateful for Shelley and the pink cross for speaking the truth. I know things will get better now. Thank you all.
You are absolutely precious and your story made me cry...I am so sorry for all the pain and abuse that you have lived through. And I am glad that God is with you and helping you now. Sometimes we need to get to a place where all we have is Jesus to make the changes we can't do on our own.
I believe that you are going to be an amazing mighty woman of God, once the Lord brings you through this, whole, healed and equipped to help others!
I am so glad that God brought you here to read Shelley's story and that you have hope again!
Much love!
Carolemarie
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
Mandy
My heart was breaking as I read your story and I am sorry that you went through all of this. I pray God's arms will wrap around you and draw you close, comforting you and strengthening you. You are obviously a very strong women...and I am so thankful that you are here. May you be encouraged, and lifted up as continue on your healing journey.
I will be keeping you in my prayers...and I am thanking God for bringing you to this site...you are precious NEVER forget that.
take care
peace,hugs,prayers
boldness and blessings
Carrie
Moderator
Pink Cross Team
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REMEMBER THAT NO MATTER HOW FAR YOU HAVE FALLEN
IT IS NEVER FURTHER THAN GOD CAN REACH:)
Thank you so much for the helpful comments. They make me feel so much better. It was strange writing all of this, I sat back and took a breath and realized it's time to surrender to what god has planned for me. I want to give back to people when I am better. I know it's not going to happen in a day but I feel taken care of now. I love shelley and all of you so much. Shelley is like my mom and when the lies come in I think of her and she has my back!!! I am greatful to have been given this intervention by god to lift me up!
And I will be praying for God to heal you and bless your life! If you need to talk, we are all here for you :)
Blessings and Love!
Carolemarie
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
I am sure you'll recover. Step by step. As one of my friend uses to say "what make sanctity (and heath) isn't to NEVER fall, but to ALWAYS rise again". Feel confident !
Be sure of my prayers
Bruno from Paris
Always remember the verse...Greater is He who is in me, than he who is in the world. And remember that God always has your back. I will be keeping you in my prayers. Run to the WORD when the lies come...YOU know that is Satan trying to bring you down. BUT God's hands are big and He will lift you up into His loving strong arms. Keep looking up my friend...you are precious and God is going to do great things through you:)
take care
peace,hugs,prayers
boldness and blessings
Carrie
Moderator
Pink Cross Team
`````````````````````````````````````````````
REMEMBER THAT NO MATTER HOW FAR YOU HAVE FALLEN
IT IS NEVER FURTHER THAN GOD CAN REACH:)
Yes! I am feeling more confident than ever and am going to conquer through Christ. I started going to church too and it is really amazing the difference just being in the environment has made. I know i'm never alone and I know that he doesn't want to see any of us fall to destruction. Following him and knowing his love for all of us is what is keeping me above the water. I think out of our destruction and despair the most beautiful works can be made..like the mountains some of most gods beautiful creations made after destruction.
Yes! I am feeling more confident than ever and am going to conquer through Christ. I started going to church too and it is really amazing the difference just being in the environment has made. I know i'm never alone and I know that he doesn't want to see any of us fall to destruction. Following him and knowing his love for all of us is what is keeping me above the water. I think out of our destruction and despair the most beautiful works can be made..like the mountains some of most gods beautiful creations made after destruction.
Natural (medicine) and supernatural (prayers). Grace of God doesn't suppress nature but perfects it.
In Christ
Bruno
Mandy,
Thank you for your beautiful testimony. I can remember wanting to die and seeing no way out. I was a teen when I came to the Lord after my father kicked me out and told me never to come back again and whatever else he could to make it hurt more. By that time I had a pretty good idea how to find the Lord and I did shortly after leaving home. I thought it was interesting what you said about thinking your life was a government plot to make you everybody else's sex slave. Jesus once called Satan the prince of this world and we know that devil's out to drag us to hell any way he can. So maybe you're not so crazy after all and you just had a glimpse into the spiritual realm and saw Satan for what he was. I had moments like that before I got saved and they stayed with me for a long while; it was a feeling of pure evil and staring it right in the face. After I accepted Yeshua (Hebrew for "Jesus") I felt His love and knew I wouldn't be engulfed by that evil and go to that evil place. G-d bless you sister and I look forward to meeting you in heaven!
well thank you, and god bless you too. That is an interesting thought. It is possible for sure. The times before my total commitment to god were filled with glimpses of everything destructive in many forms but never leading to or making any sense. A huge well of confusion and desperation. I actually had a dream or a hallucination of demons entering my body and then saw Jesus above, very clearly beautiful image, then the spirits lifted. It all seemed very real but I wont know until I reach the other side. I could say that to scientists and they would say that I was experiencing common bipolar hypo mania, or sometimes it can be brought in to religion. I don't know though, I stay neutral until the truth is revealed. I'll think it's pretty awesome Jesus stepped in if it was though..
thank you!
I can relate to you on what you have gone through. I never got mixed up into drugs and booze scene that oh so many girls fell into.
My father was a drunk, enjoyed abusing us kids by beating the absolute s--t out of us for any reason; mom just watched silently as he whipped and beat me and my younger brother. Once i hit High School i tried out for every team that i could just so that i didnt have to go home and be dragged into his next `accusation`.
I do remember one time he (dad) `telling` me that i was going to Court to lie about him beating my brother 24-7-365. I refused and that if he insisted then i would not lie for him. I also told him that i wouldnt always be 14, either.
My point is that God is my hero, too. You also were never alone. God gave man the ability to choose good from bad....look around you...boy, aren't `we` doing well (sarcasm).
I love you, too!
It breaks my heart that you had to go through all of this Mandy. All I can say is you are certainly a survivor and God has great things in store for you. I wish you nothing but the best.
James 5:11 We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the outcome of the Lord's dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful.