My past as a sex worker came back to haunt me
When I was 18, I started work as a prostitute in a massage palour. An ex boyfriend of mine was always in strip clubs and watching porn, telling me I was sexy but if I just lost some weight, I would be perfect. This made me angry and destroyed my confidence and self worth. So, I decided that I would go and work in a massage palour, pay for surgery, make lots of money and improve my confidence by having men pay lots of money to sleep with me. This was how delusional I was!
My first client was fat and old, and I cried and cried, scrubed myself in the shower, but the pimp of the place calmed me down, told me that this was my natural woman hood adjusting to it. I listened to him, looked at the money, (which was more money than i could have made in a week from that one client) and decided to get on with it. I was looking good, got lots of attention but started to feel paranoid, like everyone knew.
I used to work in a bar, so it was difficult to lie all the time, plus I would spend money on really nice clothes to help my confidence, but then would become paranoid that people would figure it out. I got into a habbit of working, spending and hiding from people. Many of the girls who worked in the place drank alot and took drugs like cocaine, which I started to try. It made me feel super confident, happy, and numb to what I was doing and eventually this spiralled out of control.
So, there was a couple of clients, who would purporsely take off the condom, when the girls were high or drunk. I know it sounds really obvious, but I didn't notice. I would get checked regularly, and caught chlamydia a few times. Not only from the clients, but drug addict boyfriends I had along the way. I thought I loved them because they gave me some emotional protection from the work, but we would take crack cocaine together with my money, so again, my mind was confused and delusional.
After getting chlamydia a few times, taking tablets, having it come back, I decided enough was enough. I ran off to the middle of nowhere and rented a caravan. Still working as a prostitute in various locations, but getting clean from the drugs. My violent boyfriend was arrested for driving offences, and I stopped completely, went home and became a lap dancer instead.
I am still a lap dancer, the men don't touch me, it isn't so bad and the girls who do this job are all different. There are times where I think I want to do something different, but then I make lots of money by just talking to a man and showing him my body. It is a vast improvement.
My boyfriend is wonderful, he is hard working, non abusive, and very loving and supportive. We live together and want children. The past is just a distant memory. Or so I thought. All of the sex work was over 10 years ago, I had forgotton about it.
We tried to have a baby, we had been trying for 2 years. But my pregnancy was ectopic, it almost killed me. Turns out the chlamydia I got from my past has severly damaged my fallopian tubes. My baby grew in my right tube and wouldn't of made it, my tube burst I was rushed to hospital and saved just in time. The baby was removed as well as my right tube. My boyfriend was devastated. This isn't fair on him, it wasn't his fault. We both thought I would die. Now I am waiting for another operation, to see if my other tube and my womb are intact. I pray that they are.
For a few years of the sex industry, I almost lost my life and don't know if I can ever have a baby. For anyone considering this, it is not and easy way. There is no such thing as easy money. I want to stand up and share my story somehow , to help others. I have to go back to college now, and work extra hard. I pray that one day I can have children, a nice career and leave my past in the past.
Comments
I have been to many strip clubs were I would get a lap dance and then talk to stripper and realize she was trapped in that profession because of the money. Some of them were complete emotional wrecks and would just end up talking to me for a half hour or longer rather than work because they felf comfortable telling me all this stuff. I would often feel sympathetic to their plight and also helpless. When I would leave I also felt responsible for keeping them in that lifestyle becuase I was paying them.
I don't know if this helps, but when I was laid off from my job and was not eliligble for unemployment, my life was in financial turmoil. Most people would have went into shock or a deep depresion. I just kept repeating the phrase "The Lord wil provide". I knew he was by my side every step of the way. No amount of debt I took on scared me and now I am self employed and like a lot of other people I wish I had done it sooner. God has helped the whole time get through it all. Test the Lord and he will prove himself to you.
Matthew 6:31, 6:32
Matthew 17:20
Philippians 4:19
Mark: 11:22
Hi, UKgirl;
I, too, am so sorry for what you have been through. I know what its like being in that awful place, but feeling like there is no way out. I can tell you right now that Jesus loves you so much, and He doesn't want you to live like this. He wants you to experience complete freedom and rest in Him.
Have you thought about going back to school? I'm not sure what kind of grants are offered in the UK, but I know that in the US, the government will typically offer grants for those who want to go back to school. I know it seems like there is no way out right now, but I just want to encourage you that nothing, absolutely nothing, is impossible with the Lord. He loves you and has much better plans for you than being stuck in a strip club. He knows and understands how miserable you are, and He will bring you out.
That's why it is imperative that you find a good fellowship and start moving forward in that. God will of course move you forward, but you must take the initiative and really start seeking Him and start building that trust. God has promised in His word that He has good things in store for you.
Jer. 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope
I know that you are in a very dark place right now, but God will move you forward. Just look to God and as best you can just start looking ahead into the future, and let that encourage you. Start getting involved in a good fellowship with good people, and reach out to God and to others that He puts in your life to encourage you and to help you.
Until then, just start really reading the Bible and absorbing God's word. Everything in that book is for you...all of the beautiful words and promises. Ask God to help you receive them, and trust in Him. He is ever faithful, and has promised never to leave you nor forsake you.
I pray that you will find a good fellowship and that you will start moving forward in the life that God has in store for you. He loves you so much. I know that He has wonderful things in store for you. I will pray for you. Please continue to post here and let us know what is going on with you.
Love you
April
That was very inspiring, thank you so much. In a few days I am going to a college course which aims to get people to change the direction of their lives with practical advice. It didn't cost very much and hopefully will help. No, to go to college/back to school here is very expensive. Their are protests all over the U.K by angry students who can't afford the fees. So I keep volunteering and live very cheap, any money left over is going towards college. Europe is in a mess right now, even people with degrees are finding it hard to get work so I feel pretty hopeless. :( I really hope that by January I can do some kind of job, anything, just need some employer to give me a chance. But thank you.
I would not allow my wife to do a job where men would see her naked or touch her. I am the Christian head of the household. My wife is safe. I don't make much money but I have a nice home and a good job. I don't live a glitzy life. I live in a small town. If you want out get away from it. Live your life for the Lord. It's not going to be easy. You may have to do without. My vehicles are all over ten years old. I don't have a bigscreen tv but I have piece of mind!
Why are you even on this forum? I do NOT live a glitzy life! Did you actually read what I posted? I am barely making ends meet! Saying you would not allow your wife to do what I do is just the judgemental attitude that keeps from going to church and seeking help! My boyfriend loves me unconditionally, his wage does not stretch for both of us even though he works very hard, and he doesn't like the fact that his girlfriend strips, but he is patient with me and very encouriging for me to change my life. He is extremely frustrated that he is not making enough money for us both. I love him so much for not giving up on me! If I just stop, we will have no where to live and not be able to support ourselves! I am doing volunteer work to try and get into paid work, I am going to college and doing everything that I can! I came on this site to seek some advice, not to be JUDGED by angry men who have NO CLUE what they are talking about! You have a car over 10 years old? I don't even have a driving license! Doesn't the lord tell you not to judge others??? Lucky you for having peace of mind, I hope you NEVER have to go through anything like I have!
But God can heal your body and He will set you free from the past! Paradoxically, when it is not a secret anymore, you find out you are free,
I I will be praying for your healing and thank you so much for sharing your story! Those thinking of a career in this business need to know the truth of what it will cost you....
Blessings and Love to you
Carolemarie
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I wish I was free, but I'm not. I still have to go to the strip club, its not as bad but sometimes it feels horrible. Last time I was there I had a man who kept trying to grab me, lunging towards me with his toungue sticking out. I feel so sorry for the woman who is married to him! I don't want to do it anymore, but then I have bills that need paying. I'm bearly surviving though, just about meeting my payments and the government don't help me, when had my ectopic I didn't get any kind of incapacity benefits because the tax I pay isn't enough. Its embarressing, I strip and bearly make ends meet, I'm looking for a job, but no one will hire me with my c.v the way it is. I've just started volunteering, so hopefully this will help get me into some work, but I don't know how long I can keep stripping for. I hate it. Today I have to go there and the thought of it is making me feel sick and I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do! I wanted to go to the church, the doors are always closed. By the time I wake up they are closed. No one knows how terrible I feel. I feel desperate, sometimes I feel like I don't want to live anymore but I won't give up, I have a boyfriend and a family and I can't do it to them. Just, I don't know how to change.
I am so sorry for all the horrible things that you have been through. You are precious and loved and I pray that you know just how much. I pray strength for you as you are trying to leave the industry. I pray that the Lord will provide ALL that is needed for you finacially, emotionally and spiritually. I pray that you will find a church who's doors are opened for you and where you can meet some wonderful christain women in your area so you don't feel so alone. I pray that you will remember and know that God is always with you...even when it doesn't feel like it. I pray that you will be able to break free from the chains that bind and that every NEED that you have will be met in Jesus Powerful and Holy name I pray Amen!!
You are precious and loved girl NEVER forget that
peace,hugs,prayers
boldness and blessings
Pink Cross team member
and moderator
Carrie