Sexuality (11/14/09)
This is for anyone with ears to hear.

From the time I was young, my view on sexuality was conformed to that
of Christian culture. Meaning it was suppressed by religious ideology and
avoided because of fear and it was never properly explained to me. I was
molested when I was about 6 years old and once I was old enough to
realize, "hey, you got molested" I experienced levels of shame that now
looking back on were immobilizing. From that time on I experienced a
perversion in my sexual life. Sex to me had been selfish and all about
being gratified by another person and not about caring for that person or
about intimacy to any degree.

In my mind it was about stealing. Not about giving.

Being in the Christian culture that I was in, I felt unable to speak up about
my issues, sexuality was avoided and it caused my shame to increase. My
mind said, "Like, if Christians can't talk about this.. It must really be bad".
My shame increased. I confided in my parents and that was the only relief I
had from any shame at all.

I confided in them until I was about 11 years old. The reason I stopped was
because I carried that message about sexuality (that it's about me being
satisfied) and I applied it every place possible. I started messing around
with every girl I could, I had done everything possible apart from having
sexual intercourse until I was 15. When I was 15 me and my girlfriend had
sex for the first time. A month later I cheated on her and had sex with
another girl and took her virginity(because.. it's all about me.. right?).
From that time on I had crossed a line never to be uncrossed again. The
whole time I was testing my boundaries and realized that I really didn't
have any. I was told principles of sexuality in its right place and probably
knew Bible verses to back it up, but the man who really taught me about
sex was the man who molested me.

I continued taking whatever I wanted from whoever was willing, I had sex
nearly every day until I was 17 years old and I took it from almost any
cute girl who was willing. The human will really does extent beyond
human understanding. There was one point in my life where I was so hurt,
and so angry, that I made it my mission to see how many girls I could get
to cheat on their boyfriends with me. As far as I was concerned I had
succeeded, because I scored some other guys girlfriend. I was lost. I had
pastors and men of God try to get through to me, but no go. I continued
in that pattern for a long time and when I was 17 years old I met Jesus. I
continued having sex with my girlfriend until about a year into my
friendship with Jesus, and it clicked, "hey Mike, your fucking up your life,
and your messing up her life too". It was a defining moment in my life
where I realized that it shouldn't be fear that keeps me from having sex
with every girl that I can. It should be love.

There is a lie that is rampant in culture and it says, "It's ok to have sex
with her before we are married, I love her".

If you really loved her you wouldn't take what she can't give you forever
and if you say it will last forever then get married. Sex is not a sin, Taking
something that doesn't belong to you is. Sex is not a sin. Giving
something to someone then taking it back is. Sex is not a sin. Doing
anything because culture does it is ultimately operating out of
misunderstood confusion and it is a sin. Sex is not a sin. Not looking out
for their well-being in the long run is hatred and hatred is a sin. Sex
however is not a sin. It is something to be prized and cherished, but I think
we men have been too big of cowards to actually defend something that
culture says we shouldn't. I have fallen in every way, I have caved into to
the cultural lie that say's, "abstinence is for people who can't get any"
and I have not defended my own honor or anyone elses. Abstinence is for
winners, it is for people who are manly enough not to cave in to what
everyone else says is fine. Being a guy who has had many sexual partners,
I now realize that it is not fine. That I was indeed opperating out of a place
of pain and self-satisfaction and not out of love. I was opperating out of a
lie. And that's where the issue is.

For the last 2 and a half years I have not had intercourse, I had fallen here
and there with girls, I have struggled with porn, I still have ideas and lies
that keep me confused. In this last couple years(even in very recent
times) I have not always shown girls the honor and respect they should be
shown and I have consistently failed to respect them in my mind if not
with my actions. Those failures are times where I slipped back into
believing the lie and walking in confusion.

Hitler was in partnership with Hell, I believe deeply that he was put in the
position he was put in BY GOD to partner with heaven, but he chose Hell.
He didn't choose hell because he consciously knew he was choosing hell,
he chose to partner with hell because he ws confused and didn't take the
time to get his confusion dealt with and healed(our will can and will
exceed our understanding if we dont seek God for understanding and
wisdom). If we opperate out of confusion, meaning if we do things we don'
t understand we will fall. The human will has the ability to far exceed
human understanding. Meaning without knowing that killing someone is
wrong if we were to will it we could in fact murder someone (or an entire
generation). The military (every military that kills people) has brainwashed
large groups of people to kill and murder "the enemy" by feeding them a
lie and consistently telling them that anyone who opposes said country is
an "enemy". My point is: It is possible to have a high level of faith in a
very low level of truth. As much understanding as I have about truth
determines how I will opperate in every other area of my life. Hitler
partnered with hell by not fixing the confusion he was experiencing, he
was a man with incredible skills as a leader and the charisma to lead people
to greatness, but he has a small level of understanding and an even
smaller level of truth. This error is repeated over and over through
misunderstand sexuality, often it doesn't result in the death of millions,
but the spiritual death of a few is enough to get heavens attention.
Heaven loves revealing itself so we can understand clearly who we
belong to and what we should do, Hell likes people operating in the dark
and keeping people confused. They do it well.

If I am unsure whether beating my wife is ok or not, chances are I will beat
her. This pattern is seen across the globe, where people are confused
about morality they do immoral things.  It is up to us to demonstrate to
the rest of the world what it looks like to understand truth and to do it
because we know it is true and not because Christian culture or any other
person or institution tells us so. If we are confused about a moral issue it
is up to us to ask God and leadership in our lives to search the matter out
until we are absolutely clear on what that truth is. This doesn't mean we
have to have all our stuff figured out, this means that to find anything
absolute, we must first begin with the first layer of truth and move in the
direction of increased revelation and increased wisdom and increased
understanding so we can opperate out of those things instead of
opperating out of confusion. No matter how moral any action is that we
do out of confusion is an action that is not in partnership with God, I doubt
he is anywhere near confusion. I can do everything right, but if I am doing
everything right because of christian culture and not for the love and
passion I have for God then I am still not walking in destiny. So again, it's
ultimately about knowing Jesus deeply and personally, not about morality.
If we know him well, we can serve him well. If we "serve" without knowing
him then we are serving men and popular opinion and that sucks.

I address sexuality because it is the most confused subject in the world.
Every person who has fallen with sexual immorality has experienced the
same confusion and I speak to a sexually charged generation in which 70%
of 19-year-old kids have engaged in sexual intercourse. It is a reality that if
we don't seek to transcend with purity and true love, will cave in on itself
and leave even more people devastated and even more people hurt by
the consequences of believing a lie.

I share the things of my past so that it is clear that we are all in this
together. My history tells me that sexual reformation is necessary and
possible, so I will begin with myself and see the transforming love of God
change the hearts of my generation the next generation and even our
parents generation. All things are possible and this is a giant that shouldn'
t be ignored. Demonstrating to all people that real love doesn't avoid
sexual commitment before marriage because of fear, or because of a moral
standard we've been indoctrinated with, but because of courage and
because of true desire for what is best and for what is right.

Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and
peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. - 2
Timothy 2:22