In first grade I met a kid in my class who asked me to come over to his house and we'd hang out. Which was cool we listened to KISS who I loved and my parents didn't and then his mother had some friends stop over.
I just remembering them for some reason being the appitomy of success and what it was to be cool, in and all that. I didn't know they were a Satanic Coven. They asked me if I would like to marry Satan. I said, "No Satan's a boy." They asked if I would marry one of his demons(implying it was a girl) And that this was a really cool thing to do. Guys I was so disparate for love I would have done anything, anything for some one to hold me and tell me they loved me!I took the oath I wasn't even finished and I knew it was a mistake, a thick darkness came over me I don't know how to describe but I can say that I was assigned guardians(Demons who watch over you like parents) at that time.Oh due noting the Satanists had me us kids doing sex acts while they watched we were a sort of alter or something for their sacrifices. All my anger came out it was like the out of body experience again the sex was like hardcore porn. I remember Satan saying afterwords look what you did your a monster no one could love you after what you did, God doesn't want you you belong with us. No one understands you but me. Any hope that God would take me in was gone after that. Not like we had a choice, all my violence towards my mother etc came out the other kids were my same age and I think they might have filmed us, I'm not quite clear about that part yet.
By the time I was a teen I was really messed up, I didn’t do drugs but I lived in a fantasy world of Role-playing games, porn(trying to be one of the guys) and movies. I got into Native American Spirit guide stuff, which freaked me out because I realized I would have to renounce my confirmation to Christ if I wanted this demon sex goddess thing.
I think really what I wanted was the love and acceptance of a female figure a mother perhaps but I was so messed up and had been raped by my mother so much I couldn’t tell you what love was. By the time I hit college I got into New Age music, still doing the role-playing game thing but it was getting darker and frankly so was I. My porn addiction was getting hardcore and I felt really ashamed, didn’t even want to be around women after I viewed that stuff. It was as much as a revenge against my mother as much as an addiction. I hated women for what they had did to me and men I hated so much more than that that I was just like,”You don’t even exist in my world.
To make a long story short I ran back and forth between role-playing, New Age music and the like and Christianity. I wanted to string up and butcher Christians and born again were the worst. I knew God was real because my Alcoholic father had stopped beating me and slowly became loving and wanted to reach out to me. But my heart was so hard and my mother hadn’t really changed it had all been my father. She was still as perverse mess. But I finally came to a place where porn was too much for me, I didn’t like where porn was taking me and that’s when I cried out to the Lord. “I’ll never forget it he said,” If you keep serving Satan your going to go to prison but if you serve me I will give you a future.” I said “GOD I”LL DO ANYTHING!” I immediately slapped my hand over my mouth and said,” Ok God fine but don’t get pushy!” I would love to write more but there isn’t room. I will say this, it hasn’t been easy I thought I was going to lose my mind at first, but God is worth it. Keeping in the Word and believing it is key even if your mind and soul screams” NO!”