Fetish testimony
Where to start. I have been an addict to pornography for a very long part of my life now. I have accepted Jesus Christ into my life in 2005. I still have many struggles with what entertains me the most and that is pornography. It is very hard to admit this weird behavior but I have had a huge fetish for pantyhose for years and years. I don't know why but for some reason the draw of this leads me to temptations uncontrollalbe for me to feed on the need to search for fulfillment in the imagination world I can create with women that claim to "love wearing them" or more. I still fantasize about former friends and aquaintances that I was extremely attracted to. I have gone so far as to participate in wearing them for comfort/pleasure and have kicked-fell back-kicked that sinful habbit. I am not gay in any way, I just have this weird temptation for this. The net is full of people like this. Private websites that cater to this fetish are abundant. I have deleted any and all materials from my computer. My biggest problem is my mind. When I sit at the computer, the enemy's voice begins to speak and lead me to where I know it it definitely wrong to go. Pornography for me does not have to be the magazines or the main adult films as described here. For me the former paysite subscriptions (now all cancelled) free pics on search engines that are hotlinked, and paysite previews of women that I find very attractive all draw me away from Christ. I pray that God will still cleanse my mind and my heart to stop this recurring evil that I still carry inside. I read the testimonies of people that are now free and am ashamed that I too have lusted after proven examples such as Erica Campbell and her former works in this area. Please forgive me. I am involved in church ministries and have admitted my pornography problem to a couple of prayer partners though not going into detail like this. I don't want to stand in front of Jesus Christ and have to explain why I did this and have no secure feeling that I am truly forgiven for what I have done. I am married with two twin boys and a young daughter. I find it difficult to relate to my wife sexually as I always desire her to be what I see in my mind. I realize that Jesus spoke of lusting in the heart but I for some reason can not stop this sin as my mind is so entertained by what I see in my own so called "happy place". Please keep me in prayer for the release of my mind to overcome my sinful pleasures. Please also pray for those involved in the offering of paysite pornography on the net that caters to people like myself. Jesus has given me strength to move in the right direction but still have my struggles at times. Jesus is never finished with us and will never forsake us. From time to time I just need to be reminded of that after I have failed. God Bless everyone that is here and for the release of their dispair that they may carry on their shoulders.
thanks for sharing your story I would encourage you to take a look around and read the resources on this site i hope they help
Underoath
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
I realise this might be a bit late, but if it is already sorted then God bless you!
This might sound simple, but when I pray, I don't just say "God I am sorry, forgive me" and then move on, I detail it.
If you wanna get it off your chest, tell God every single detail when you pray. Literally tell Him everything you have said there and tell Him that you can't resist it. Tell Him that you really love doing it. Tell Him exactly how you feel and what you think about before you do it. Detail the guilt after. Show Him why you need help and forgiveness.
I urge you though that when you pray like this that you really humble yourself, that you get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness, God's grace and mercy that will lead to change. Also, like Ben here: http://www.thepinkcross.org/pinkcross-forums/personal-testimonies/my-tes... , he told someone exactly (detailed) what he was doing, he's never looked back!
When you look at porn, don't just think of a quick 5 minutes and a messy ending followed by guilt till you do it again, think of the woman you are watching. Think of how depraved it is, that you are getting pleasure from someone else's discomfort and sometimes rape. Think of her being your daughter, your wife and then try to contemplate how much that man is destroying her. Like I did, you need to realise that you are a sinner but that Jesus has died for this, the battle was won long ago. If you trust in God and get into a routine where you read His word every morning (to keep you all day) and as soon as you think of something "bad" or look at someones ass walking in front of you, physically say, "No! Get behind me satan!", if you do this, it will work.
What you need to do is make a change. After you are forgiven for it, you need to fill the gap with God. Like a man who is freed from a demon, if he doesn't fill the gap and change, that demon will find 7 more who are even more evil and return into that man (paraphrased from the bible). Fill that gap with prayer and a seek real relationship with Jesus Christ.
Realise how much you really need to stop doing this because until you do, the devil's grip will get stronger and those scenes in your mind will be more vivid. You need to stop this so you can help your kids if they are strong enough to tell you. Be strong for them and love the Lord with ALL your heart.
The best way is to develop a heart for these women (whether you're a Christian or not). Pray for them that they may know God and be impacted and moved by His Holy Spirit and powerfully changed.
Read these, over and over and meditate on them:
Matt 5,6,7
2 Tim 2:22
1 Corinth 13
Luke 18:27 - Do not limit God, everything is possible through him. If you don't believe that God can do anything and that he is infallible, then you can't believe one word of the bible and you're not a Christian.
It will be hard and don't expect God to do it all. Even these women saved from prostitution and instantly relieved of drug addiction take years to heal mentally, and porn is in your mind, it'll be a fight. If it is void of love, it is not of Jesus, porn has only hate, choose God!
Bottom line is, you are of Christ and you're repeatedly doing the same sin?! Get it sorted and fear the Lord. After we are saved by Jesus, we must grow as Christians! You are on pause, hit play!
I'll pray for you man!
"Please keep me in prayer for the release of my mind to overcome my sinful pleasures."
Sorry for the late response. I just came across this. I will definitely keep you in prayer for your release. It's a good prayer to have and because it is in line what God wills, I have good news for you, you will be released! Whatever we pray must be in accord with the will of God, and your prayer is in accord with God's will. So cheer up!
"God Bless everyone that is here and for the release of their dispair that they may carry on their shoulders."
Thank you so much.
Gina