EYES OPENED

The Lord has been leading me away from viewing pornography via the internet over the last several weeks. He has done so in a manner that confirms the truth which Shelley is revealing regarding its true nature. I had no idea the Pink Cross organization even existed, 'til the Lord lead me here!

I am seeing my habit as an addiction that the Lord is healing.

I am realizing that it has had an extremely negative effect upon my relationships and helped to end my marriage. It was/has been an escape from the pain of no longer having the role of fathering in a family setting where we once had lived, together. There was also the pain of no longer being a husband. And those loses contributing to my need to take a leave of absence, 'til now, from active ministry as a pastor.

I have kept it a secret from the people in the churches I have served and the one I am now serving (after a 10 year absence from my calling.) It had played a part in a string of meaningless and empty, mostly anonymous sex during that time. I knew even while I was engaging in it that it was meaningless and empty but provided a sense of being "loved?" when it was not anonymous, for awhile. But in reality it was just empty sex for sex's sake.

The pornography fueled that behavior. Now that such acting out has ended for almost 2 years now, the viewing has continued : an empty way of trying to fulfill an empty void, which, of course, only the Lord can fill.

I am going to be specific about last night. There is a video posted online entitled Rocco's Ultimate Sex Party. It was the most troubling thing that I have ever witnessed -- a "perfect" for lack of a better word -- description of how the industry does only see its precious women as chattel and how violent and uncaring and painful it must be for them. Yet they are portrayed anyway as willing participants.

Did they actually KNOW what the "scene" would include ahead of time? Increasingly FORCED -- by holding hair and neck -- deep throat f--king, gagging over and over. This was followed by the same anally with the women's neck being throttled and kept down on a sofa and there being screaming, some of which I believed was not just "acting" but real pleas to stop as Shelley has described on this site. Pleas that are ignored for the sake of the scene?

The duration was listed as over 20 minutes. I was convicted. I stopped viewing. I cried.

Rocco Sifferedi has become increasingly violent over the years - portraying and engaging in what can now only be described as rape scenes. Sadly, this is what it seems the majority of porn viewers now expect?

Nina Hartley, who when interviewed spews the same lines as Jenna on Oprah, has become someone who engages in something she admits is "just a job." And it shows. She seems proud of the ways that actually show such sex in such -- what can only be called -- mechanical ways -- empty ways that are actually acceptable to and primarily expected by her "fans." She is very proud of her "job." Sex is meant to be recreational only (and of course, "that's all" porn is.) There is even a DENIAL of how it could possibly be seen any other way, including harmful to anyone. I have never seen God's gift more cavalierly "used."

Years ago I was enamored with both of these "pornstars." Now I can't believe what they have become. Also, the case of Chasey Lain is so sad. A video on youtube literally shows her addicted and deteriorating condition. But even more troubling is how she is treated (as a person) and discarded by the director. Literally, no one cares, especially the industry that used her and contributed to her demise. Is anyone reaching out to her? Is she present at the conventions, or has she become invisible? Does anyone even know where she is?

But most importantly I can't believe what I have/had become. I turned a blind eye to it all for my own selfish so-called pleasure. But in reality it prevents real relationships and simply increases isolation. What I was viewing was not harmless acting. It is very harmful to both the porn star and the porn fan. The deaths and the manners in which porn stars have died that are portrayed by Shelley's video on this site speak for themselves and are indeed so sad. What the viewer can become is equally troubling. And few, it seems, even care. It is just a business. Indeed.

I know I can be freed from this addiction and that the Lord is working mightily to do so. I want to connect with others who have been addicted and now know they can be/are being freed. (If you have any connections in the Delaware area, please pass them on to me.)

The main reason, however is not to ask for such help for me, but to let you know "I once was blind but now I see." It is God's grace that has brought me/us safe thus far, and will be God's grace in Jesus that will bring us/me home. This ministry has been God's tool in doing so. I am very grateful to you all and for how the Lord is using you.

RevRMc

PS Oprah's glorification (she denies that of course) is not atypical. I suppose it is news how prevalent the use of porn by women has become. But to portray that in such a neutral way, without any mention of how this may actually hurt rather than help, does not surprise me.

When Oprah was just starting out in Baltimore as a co-host of "People Are Talking," my then wife and I were in the audience. We were Seminary students in DC. I was able to speak from the audience regarding my (positive) feelings regarding the use and need for more inclusive language in the church and in translations of the Bible.

Afterward she told me "you were good, honey!" But during the filming of the show, though there were two guest "experts," more time was given to the one representing the other side of the issue (which the majority of the audience supported) than the view of the one who supported "my" side.

In other words, it seemed that the show would represent both sides. The presence of the two experts/guests would give one that impression. But such was not the case. Oprah blew with the wind. If my side had been the most popular it would have been the other way around.

That is what she is doing with the porn issue, IMHO.

I would be extremely surprised if she will listen to us, but I hope and pray (if not her) someone else will. (Perhaps in the way Anderson Cooper, for example, dealt with/exposed Sylvia Brown's "religion" and its exploitation of the vulnerable.)

Let us take heart that there is another Wind blowing, the Holy Spirit at work in you/us:

"You know well enough how the Wind blows this way and that. You hear it rustling through the trees, but you have no idea where it comes from or where it's headed next. That's the way it is with everyone 'born from above' by the Wind of God, the Spirit of God." John 3:7, THE MESSAGE BIBLE

Blessings,

RevRMc