I thought that this would be a place where i could share my story with maybe people who can kind of understand. And get some support and some encouragement, so please help me, I need it really badly. I feel so alone. Please share with me any thing that might help me or your experiences, i really need to connect with others.

In High school, when i was between 16-19 I hardened my heart and became a real asshole. It grew from bad seeds sown inside of me, a real big chunk of my soul ripped out of me - and a lot of neglect. Typical broken family. I lived at my fathers house, my mother hated my dad in a real cruel disgust kind of way. I hated my mom. Friends would tell me "I never realized how much you look like your dad", I seen things in my dad that I've never liked about myself, I hated my dad. I hated myself. Home was empty, I was ashamed from where I was from. My dad never cared about us enough to give us a real slap in the head when we needed it, at the time it seemed cool, but now I still feel anger at him about it, because I ruined my life right in front of Him, and he did nothing - and now that my life is in a bad place he never gave me a chance to share with him my story and give me any support. I had freedom to do whatever I wanted. I was ignorant. I had no roots.

I started hanging out with 22-26 year old college seinors. They had a real party house. They were a real bad influence on me an insecure 16 year old sophmore in highscool. I had unlimted supply of weed and alcohol and nobody to tell me not to.

When I was 17, there was this girl she never really talked to me at school, but she would AOL me sometimes. After drinking and smoking at the guys house one night. I met up with her at her house. She got in my van. I was a virgin and really scared. She told me that she was pregnant (with another guys kid) (about 3 months). Knowing this, I slept with her. First sexual experience with anyone. This really fucked me up inside. I lost something deep inside of me. Dropping her off, before I got to the stop sign at the end of her street, I knew it was a mistake. I told myself outloud "that was wrong" "I'll never tell anyone ever about this". That was a dark situation. I hardened my heart. The same night I went back to the guy's house, hit the bong and drank beers. I became like them.

In my mind i thought "I can't go any lower that that" but I did. All standards/boundaries went out the window. Not much later, at a shopping strip I met a girl from another high school. We picked her and her friend up later on that night. We had the guys house all to ourselves. We smoked weed and got super drunk. I asked the girl if she wanted to see our weed plant that was growing in the back yard, and she came with me back there. We started making out. I took her into a room. We both got naked. Naked she told me "no sex" but we traded oral. But then I slept with her. She told me I hate you, I hate you, and but I just met you. It was dark. That was rape. It was evil. I picked her up many nights after that at her house. She would sneak out at night. I was 17 and she was 15. That was a fucked up situation. I never knew her. I didn't love her. I was an asshole. We would just get drunk and smoke and sleep together. My heart was hard. It was a shameful situation.

After high school that all ended. Everything inside of me came crashing down. When I started to realize the seriousness of what I have done. I have been depressed ever since, the last 3 years. The guilt and the shame and the regret. I regreted hurting that girl, it eats me up inside and poisons my soul. I hate myself. It's brings me hell because I have hurt this girl. I deserve prison. I deserve to be stoned. I deserve to be crucified. I am completley ruined. The memory of thinking about it all brings me to a place where I feel sitting and holding my legs and rocking and crying in a corner. I have serious psychological problems. I am suicidal. I am afraid of ending up homless or an angry bitter lonley old man. My life is destroyed. I am afraid to show my face to the world. I am overwhelmed in shame.

Even after apoligizing to her, truly, honestly, deeply - even after her saying "its okay, (Johnny), I forgive you. this all happend in the past." It's hard for me to forgive myself. Really hard.

Im 21 now, I have this mysterious STD, it seems like the girls are ok, but i worry about them. But i have this disease. And almost every doctor tells me something like "i never seen this before" or "I can't find nothing wrong with you". I've had this disease for 3 years and i can't really explain to you how devastating it is on top of everthing else. I dropped out of College, lost my mind and my friends with it, I moved to a town in the middle of the US where nobody knows who I am. I am anti-social. I completley isolated myself. I get tormented from the memories. I have no peace. It feels like God himself has smitten me with this disease. I am really scared. IT burns in my groin where the hairs are, and it feels like my prostate is all swollen up I can't take a piss standing up. I have to sit down and seriously go to a happy place. It burns in the urethra and after ejaculating.

I've got tested for AIDS, Chlaymida, Gonnorea they come back clean, i dont have herpes. I taken a month and 2 weeks of antibiotics but it hasn't helped at all. And I am really sad and messed up inside, because I am loosing hope. I am scared that God is punishing me. I think it's some kind of fungus or something but if i can't get healed I am going to end up sucide or homeless on the streets. I need desperate help.

Do you think I can recover by just being persistent with doctors?
Do you think God gave me this disease to punish me?
Do you think I can recover inside my heart and my soul?
How do I forgive myself, how do I have peace?
Can I recover to a state that is worth fighting for?

or is my whole life destroyed? my soul my mind my body my peace everthing. Is there any hope for me to recover from rock bottom to a place where I can thrive again, and live well and do good?