A Story of Unbelievable Love & Restoration

My story starts from the day I was born. My parents dedicated me to God from that very moment. I have always been raised in a Christian home with Christian morals and values. From the time I was about 3 until I turned 15 my family went to a church in North Carolina . It was my home, where I had been raised. My dad was the worship leader so I was of course involved in every aspect of worship. There were teams anywhere from 15 people to the praise team of around 100. Raised in and around it, we literally were at church at least 6 days out of the week, doing everything from drama, to dance, to actual praise and worship. Little did anyone know, even at such a young age I started to develop a secret life, a way I could just get away from all the “church” and people in it. At school I began as a freshman in high school to want to “find me” as most teens do. My dad was always against dating and going out with boys alone, which now I understand why, but at the time I just thought I could sneak, and do better. I was seeking approval from 14-15yr old boys? Needless to say that started a rebellion in my life which led to so much more.
Like I said when I was 15, leadership in that church changed and I, 3 sisters, 1 brother and both parents moved away. I was so mad! I did not want to leave my home, my comfort, and more…my sin. So of course at the new place, new school and everything we were all rather bitter. I started letting go of God and believing that he was actually real in my life. We tried to find other churches to go to but every one in that area were just dead? It was like the town had no life in it. Of course in my own life at school as a young teen still, searching for that acceptance I sank deeper and deeper into rebellion. I didn’t want it from my dad or God; I wanted to feel it from everyone else. Well eventually my dad found another job at another church in Georgia as a worship pastor again. I think we were all excited to move and just get a fresh start in a new state. So when I was 16 years old, we packed everything and moved again, my parents trusting God to do miracles and bring us through.
Georgia was a whole new world for all of us really. We didn’t know anyone and it all seemed great? The church building was really nice and the people seemed to be nice to. At that time I started to believe God was real again. Things were happening there that I had never felt before. There were times we would be there in worship and every one was just in tears because it was so sweet. There was only one problem; the head pastor had a jezebel for a wife. She wanted to run everything. We all knew our time there was going to be short again. At school once again I started off good, but of course, if you don’t get issues out and deal with them, they always come back up. I wanted approval; I wanted to feel wanted by more than my family. I started dressing a little different and acting a little flirtier. I didn’t want Gods attention because it didn’t mean anything to me because I couldn’t see it. When I was 16 I lost my virginity. It was like when I found out we would be leaving again I just let something die in me and I didn’t care any more. I was numb to the fact that it could hurt me among other things. No one knew about it but me and of course the guy I was with. I wasn’t even dating him. Well one day me and that same boy and a few other friends skipped school one day and I smoked my first joint and of course had sex again. But this time we got caught. My brother and I had a class together and he was worried because he didn’t know where I was at. So he told the teacher who told the principle who told my parents and all of our parents and found out where we were and came to get us. It was a horrible day. I finally felt that sting of disgrace as we pulled back up to the school and I saw both of my parents there. I made fools of them. My dad was a pastor with strong beliefs about dating and would not let people on his worship team date or be alone together until they were ready to be married. And there I was, his first daughter, defiling myself, and not caring. From there because we were all still high, 2 of us got kicked out and sent to an alternative school ran by ex marines. The others either dropped out or went to another school. In this particular alternative school, there were only 3 other girls besides myself. The rest were all guys…alternative guys…

It was like a boot camp pretty much. No make-up, haired pulled back, no nails or polish, shirts tucked in, tennis shoes for running, and a belt. For me, this was horror! We had to all pt every morning before going to our studies. Now I was always a little on the chunky side and never was good at any sports so you can imagine how I felt trying to run with all these guys and being hollered at the whole time by loud marines. I felt horrible because I wasn’t a good runner, and I felt so ugly. I felt as if I was at the lowest of lows and everyone was laughing at me. I still never talked about anything though. My parents tried to get me to talk to pastors to talk to them, and I just wouldn’t. I refused to let anyone in. So my deep issues of rebellion and others just festered in me.

Well a few months later everything hit the fan at that church and once again we moved about an hour away to a bigger city. I was actually happy to move this time though. I believe we were all burned out on church by this time. But nobody ever really gave up on God. None of my other sisters or brother gave up or in, just me. Still feeling low and like one of the outcast, I began to accept to myself that I would never be restored so why try? By this time I was 17 and started at a new high school my senior year. I dated a little bit and began to become more sexually active. And experiment with different drugs, because those are the kind of guys I chose. I didn’t feel like I could get or even deserved something better than that so that’s what I chose. All of my family kept trying to support me and get me to stop but I just wouldn’t listen. By this time I just wanted my sin. I didn’t have any remorse for doing any of it. But I was always hurt when a guy would leave me for some reason. I finally graduated high school in December 2006. I was a semester behind because of being kicked out and placed into alt. school that year. So naturally I just started working at a Food Lion that was close to me. Even though I didn’t really care about God or anything I didn’t really want to be with or around any more guys cause all they had caused me was hurt before so I just felt like miss independent working woman. I ended up meeting two girls there. Nicole and Kayla. They were room mates and both went to college together. We had all graduated from the same high school but I didn’t know them when I was there. So we started hanging out daily and at work. At night we would all go out together and have fun shopping or whatever was fun that night. Nicole had a boyfriend of 5 years who also lived with them and they had another room mate who had been there friend through high school named Cory. I was still living with my parents at the time and I never told them that boys lived there with them. We had started having sleepovers all the time. Just girly ones at first, then Cory and I began talking together. We went on our first date and immediately had sex together. I was crazy about him. I gave him my heart the first night I met him. He on the other hand cared nothing about me. He at the time wanted nothing more than to be friends and have sex on the side. Every time we would have a sleep over I would mess around with him. I didn’t realize the damage I was doing to my life and body. I became very distant from my family. We would fight more often, especially me and my dad. They were going to church again and getting involved, I was not. I didn’t want anything to do with it again.

Well needless to say Cory and I had sex and we thought I could be pregnant. It is one of the hardest things to deal with knowing you could have some ones child and they care nothing about you. I hurt so bad just having that lingering over me. I couldn’t feel like I could talk to anyone because my friends told me about him and told me I shouldn’t even be with him because he is a womanizer and doesn’t care. They didn’t understand that he had my heart? I loved him with all of it to. So of course as everything in me was falling apart, I began to become depressed and suicidal at times. But I still kept it buried deep in me. Everything from the time I was 15 was in me and I wouldn’t let anyone, including Jesus, in to get it out. I eventually told my dad and we got into a huge fight and I left my house and moved in with all of them. I finally got tested and found out I wasn’t pregnant. Kayla ended up leaving because Nicole was a control freak who loved drama. Cory ended up being kicked out because he started doing drugs again. So now I was haunted about everyday in a place full of memories with him but no him? It almost killed me. My life was centered on this one person, who treated me horrible?! And I just let him. When they all left Nicole and her boyfriend and I all moved into a townhouse together. I started dating one of Cory’s best friends to try to get rid of the pain from him but of course it didn’t work. I ended up breaking his heart and putting him through hell. He lost his virginity to me and I destroyed part of him. I was so depressed I thought about suicide daily. I was so hurt and broken. I left my family, my friends weren’t a good influence and my life was in pieces. Well my dad being the man that he is, one day I went back home and we talked and he wanted to get me help. He wanted me home because he could see I was destroying my life. I finally agreed to leave. So one night I packed up all my stuff and I went back home. I started going to counseling and back to church again but I was still so depressed. I started drinking and playing with drugs again. I would randomly call or txt Cory because I felt like I needed him, even if it was just for a second. I needed God. I needed him desperately and I knew it, but I was too ashamed to go to my parent’s church, where my dad was the worship pastor again. So I started going to church with Kayla. Over that summer she had gotten saved and began going to a little church that focused mostly on youth and college kids. So I would go with her. One night in particular I remember I just went to the altar and cried my eyes out to Jesus because I wanted to have a new life, I wanted to do better, and most of all I wanted the hurt to be gone. So I rededicated my life to God. But that didn’t last very long, I slowly quit going with Kayla because she found the man she is going to marry, which is amazing but when that happens friends get put aside some times. So it became more about him than God and we just both started falling away again. I began to try to please men again, I still longed for that acceptance and attention. Every girl wants to feel beautiful but we some times don’t realize that Jesus see’s us that way from the time we are born. I started becoming sexually involved with every guy I dated from there after. I was hoping that if Cory could somehow see that I was wild and cool and sexy then he would come find me, which he did. Every few months we would talk and go out, have sex for a night, and then he would be gone again. He would tell me that I was “too emotional” for him and he couldn’t handle it. So I started trying to “lose” my emotions. I became dead to them and just buried them. I began drinking again and falling right back into the devils traps. Now I know more than ever that if you clean up your life it is SO important to keep it clean or just like the word says, demons will come and it will be seven times what it was the first time! I started experimenting with everything sexually. I would take explicit pictures and post them on a website I had for people to look at and admire me. It was so selfish. I would kiss girls and “play” with them for men’s attention. I was never a lesbian or even remotely attracted to women but to turn on a man I would do anything. My body was nothing but the power porn has over men was incredible. I felt like I could do anything. Tease them then beat them, like they had done to me. I had everything pierced, including my genitals and 2 tattoos and I wanted people to see it. I wanted men to lust after me so I could hurt them. I craved attention; I craved Cory.

Months passed as I continued hurting myself like that and then I started to want to stop. I started feeling horrible and realizing I was hurting myself more than helping the pain go away? I had tried everything! My body was defiled beyond everything, I disgraced my family, who were trying to do right and live a Godly life, and I hurt and influenced others younger than me. I was still depressed, still hurt, still broken, and worse than when I started. My life was going no where. I wasn’t in college and I was just working a dead end job where I got treated like junk to. My life was in shambles and I didn’t see it till I stopped and thought about it one night after a long talk with my dad. I have to say my Dad throughout all of this has always tried to bring me back. My family never gave up on me as most would. Even after breaking both of my parent’s hearts and hurting our family they ALWAYS tried to talk with me and help me. I just would not listen or receive anything. I was the only child out of 5 kids acting like this.

I was a mess, and I knew it. One day I went to church on one of the rare occasions I wasn’t working on Sunday, and everything just hit me. We just worshiped the whole time. They never got to preaching but it was just so, so sweet. I went to the alter by myself and just wept before God on my knees. I was just crying out for him to help me. I knew I couldn’t do it alone and no one on earth could help me but Him. I laid everything down; my life, my hurts, my broken dreams, my relationship I was in, and just gave it all to God and asked if he would change my heart. And he did. All he wanted from me was to just let him in so he could take it all away. That hurt that had kept me down and depressed for so long was literally gone. It was my very own miracle. To just have that lifted off me, I immediately felt different. I didn’t want attention anymore except his. I felt wanted and loved and needed. I feel like I now have a purpose in my life and I don’t need any man to achieve it. That night I went home and erased my website and broke up with the guy I had been dating. I wanted my life clear of anything and everything that wasn’t Godly. Anything that could make me even think about going back to where I was, I wanted it gone. Well later on that week, I was feeling amazing, but I hadn’t really told anyone what happened to me that day. I went over to my friend Kayla’s house and while I was there my littlest sister who is 13 years old got on my computer. She found the website that I had had and showed my parents who of course were shocked to see it because they had no idea about half of the things I was into. It’s so funny how God gets every thing and puts it out on the table. Even though I had already deleted it, it takes a few days to completely erase everything. So my parents called me and asked me to come home, so I did and they were of course in just shock, and hurt again. So we started talking and I told them every single thing that I had done. They knew some of it but there were still secrets, then I told them what had happened to me that Sunday and I believe they saw a softened heart, a repented heart, which wanted to do a 180 with her life. And then they laid hands on me and prayed for me. And that right there did something else in me, to hear and have my dad actually pray for me to my face wasn’t something I was used to and it kind of shocked me but it also softened my heart just a little bit more. My parents committed to helping me through all this. And I finally began to open up. I finally began talking about things so nothing is hidden and I can live a Godly, happy life. I am so happy my life is moving forward and I never want to go back to where I have been. I know God has an amazing plan for my life or else the devil would not have tried so hard to destroy me. I believe I can help other people and maybe keep some young people from not doing what I did and encouraging the ones who have already. My life is completely different now from what is was. I am 21 years old and have been sobered up from everything for over 2 years!!!!! I am now in college studying to be a counselor/pyschologist. Now I want to help other girls who have been through similar things, see that they can make it and there is hope for their lives to! I NEVER thought God would bless me with everything I have now! My relationship with my family is restored, My relationship with God is restored. He will NEVER EVER EVER leave you alone! So thats my testimony. I hope it encourages somebody.
Love
Desi