Drove approximately 90 miles to see you at FFC
My father and me drove approximately 90 miles to hear you speak; however, a little while after we arrived I learned that you and Jan would not be speaking at the evening service. I must say that I was a little disappointed to here this, but decided to stay for the services just to make sure.
Anyhow, about 30 minutes into the service, the gentleman who gave me the news came back with two gifts. I never expected to receive a copy of your interview with Jerry Johnston and the actual morning service, in which you and Jan spoke straight and to the heart of the matter. No need to sugar coat the message when someone's eternal destination is on the line.
Close to the end of the service the gentleman approached us once and more stated that we just had to go meet you, so I did. So I stood in line to meet you. A few minutes later the gentleman personally introduced me to you and stated that my father and me had driven over a 100 miles to hear you speak.
With such an introduction, I really didn't know what to say when I first met you. While driving up Shelly I had no idea that I would of have a chance to meet you and or Jan. I tend to be a little bit shy when I first meet somebody. Plus, I didn't know what exactly I should talk about with you cause you are the first former porn star I have ever met.
Your big smile kind of put met at ease. Still I didn't have the intention of revealing too much about myself until I felt really comfortable and at ease with you, which usually takes more time than a few minutes for me to warm up to a stranger and reveal personal things about myself.
Shelly, you stated that night that somebody doesn't drive as far as you did just to meet me. And you were right, I've struggled with pornographic issues since I was first introduced to "Edited by Moderator" back in the early 80's. That night I revealed much more to you than a number of people have know me for years know about me.
You see before I bare private details about my life I absolutely have to trust a person. I revealed my book, the doctor incident, which had a profound impact on my life, my two back surgeries, a 20 foot fall, and ongoing back problems; however, one thing I forgot to mention that night was that my mother had bi-polar disorder, which added a great deal of excitement to my life especially during the holiday season.
Finally, I just want to say thank you and that I pray for you and Jan daily. May God keep you and your family safe while you continue to attack the most sinister and addictive device that Satan has ever created, which is harder to escape than quicksand.
Blessings~
Just stopping by to read your incredible story to meet Shelly how awesome. I pray that God has and is strengthening you more everyday to overcome Satan's schemes and lies.
Annie
Thanks for the kind words of encouragement. I very much appreciate them. As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly.
I remember you of course! I felt so led by God to love on you and encourage you and I am excited to see He is working powerfully in your life, even in ways YOU don't know about yet. I love you and appreciate that you would drive that far to hear us speak. I hope you find much healing while you are at this site. We believe in complete freedom in your life in Jesus name!Much love,Shelley
Outside of my mom having bi-polar disorder and a life altering experience with a doctor my childhood was pretty normal. What the doctor did to me scarred me for a very long time and prevented me from dating much in high school and or in college since I was far too embarrassed and scared to get too close to any female.
This doctor with a supposedly Christian background bluntly and matter of fact told me after a routine physical that there was a fairly good chance that I might never develop sexually. This revelation brought a cavalcade of tears to run down my cheeks and made me want to crawl into a hole and die because I was mortified.
If that wasn't enough, he made me drop my drawers in front of my mother after she had entered the room. Then the doctor informed my mother the exact same thing in an even colder tone. It was almost robot like completely devoid of emotion. Upon hearing his sentence once again, I could do nothing but commence crying once more.
When I was doing this my mother was completely dumbfounded, which at the time made me angry since my mother is supposed to defend me at all times, especially when something so mortifying happens to her youngest son. Now if I wasn't already 13 it wouldn't have been such a big deal; however, I was downright terrified that the doctor just might be right since most of my classmates had already developed sexually.
Due to this event I never took a shower after gym and football practice. Plus, I always made sure to dress and undress when nobody was around if at all possible. Come to think of it, I never once took a shower at school. You see, I didn't develop sexually until I was between 17 and 18 years of age.
Couple this with the fact that I was terrified of winding up being involved with someone who had bi-polar disorder or some other psychological disorder and you'll get a clear picture of how my life used to be. I tried but not very hard when it came to the opposite sex since I was ill prepared to be in a relationship that could eventually develop into a physical one.
I must confess I didn't get over this event until I went to see a therapist to get over my mother's death. A short six months after my mother's death I wound up getting back surgery and my second one six months after the first. Nothing made my pain subside except for porn.
This is when my addiction to porn first ruled its ugly head. Sure I had been exposed to porn when I was eleven or twelve, but this time was different. "Edited by Admin" Porn allowed my pain to go away, which needless to say made me extremely happy. And at the time I had no idea of how porn destroys both the performer and the watcher eventually.
It has taken me eight long years to get a handle on my back pain. Now that I have, I come to the realization that porn served as my willing girlfriend who never complained and catered to my every whim. In some man's eyes that would be the perfect woman; however, to me I see nothing more than a fantasy world out of control due to a couple of events in my life that had a huge bearing on my life for a very long time.
Even though it may not seem like a big deal to others it's big to me. No wait its huge. It's been nearly 6 weeks since the last time that I viewed porn. Now this isn't the longest that I have gone without viewing porn; however, its got to be the longest that I have since I have had access to The Internet. At least, I think that it has. Never really kept track beyond the two week point because like clockwork I would back slide and feel miserable. Anyhow, baby steps just like what Bill Murray's character said in, "What About Bob."
I feel like I'm being led by the Lord to do more than just help financially; however, I would need to have more months of not looking at pornography under my belt before I would even begin to feel comfortable contemplating attending the Adult Expo or anything else. I don't want to view pornography ever again. Hence I don't want to backslide and be in no better shape than a dog who goes back to his vomit.
When do you know when you are ready for a more active role than just a monetary one?
I'd like to say thanks to all of you that have taken the time to read my story. The chain of addiction can and must be broken. Proverbs 26 verse 11: As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly I.E. backsliders who go back into their sin.
Everybody has weakness and when the devil learns of your particular weakness he's going to keep on hammering you until you either succumb to them or you call out to the Holy Spirit for help. For me as well as for most others on this message board pornography is my kryptonite. To combat this evil I call upon the Holy Spirit I.E. my lead suit to shield me from the insidious satanic powers. If I had to depend on nothing else but my will power I wouldn't have a chance against satan and his army of demons. Thankfully, I do not have to do this since God is on my side. All I have to do is pray to the Holy Spirit and ask for that help.
Proverbs 26 verse 11: As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly I.E. backsliders who go back into their sin.
Ephesians 2:1-2: Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
During my Junior year in college I was recruited to sell educational books door to door. This was to be my summer job and a chance to make a good amount of money. In order to be better prepared everybody that was chosen to be a part of this team of door to door salesman had to go to a training class once a week for 2 months. Then once school was out, we had to get much more intensive training so that we would be able to overcome the objections of pretty much any and everybody. Well, that's what the instructors led us to believe; however, when we went to knock on our first door, all that training seemingly vanished.
I won't bore you with all the details, suffice it say to say I faced more rejection in a single day than I have ever faced in my entire life. Perhaps, that's too much hyperbole; however, I did get a lot of doors slammed in face. I even had a few big and very angry dogs chase me away from their owner's residence. If that's not enough, a gentleman even chased me away with a bat.
Anyhow, sooner or later, all that negativity gets to a person and even though they have the opportunity to meet and talk to people on a daily basis; they have never felt a greater sense of loneliness in their entire life. As luck would have or shall I say Satan, I spotted a gentleman's club as I driving to the neighborhood and then the particular street that I was going to hit for the day.
When I got out of my car, all i could think about was to make some money today. I just wished I could do it without meeting so many downright mean people, but wasn't going to happen. I must have knocked on at least 50 houses that day. And Mrs. Jones( a term to generalize the typical housewife) was especially rude and it really got to me. All I wanted was to treated like I was a human being, but I supposed I asked for too much.
So, in this frame of mind, I decided to drive to that gentleman's club that I passed on my way to work this morning. Once, I got into the parking lot, I hesitated for a bit since it was not where I wanted to be, but then after several minutes of contemplation I got out, walked to the door. Before I got out of the car, I made up my mind if i had to pay a cover charge i was going to leave. Much to my chagrin, today was the only day of the week where the cover charge was waived.
So, I got in, began to look all around...must say that I wasn't that impressed with the place, but I figured that I would order a drink and soak up the atmosphere. I had no intention of paying to see a woman strip for me; however, when she walked in and onto the stage I pondered if I should give her a dollar or not.
Being, that the place was fairly empty, I figured that I would be nice and offer her a dollar. I did this only once, so I had no idea that she would shit down next to me after her set was finished. We started a conversation and before I knew I had accepted her invitation of going upstairs to the VIP room. Once in that room, I could only think of one thing and that was seeing more of this tall and shapely brunette.
So, I did...its amazing how fast one lap dance can turn into many and before you know it you have one run up a fairly big tab( less than five hundred dollars and more than 250 dollars). Luckily for me, I had my credit card with me. If I didn't I might have gotten the stuffing beaten out of me. Thus, I paid my tab...after I did this I could not believe that I spent that much money at a gentleman's club.
To make matters worse, I went back one more time before I decided to drive back home( I had a three day drive ahead of me). When I did this I ran up my tab again(quite thankful that the club had a spending limit for the day since I was out of control). I just couldn't believe that all that rejection had led me to a gentleman's club. The devil can trick you into doing things that you would never do if one faces enough adversity and has a sense of abject loneliness.
Proverbs 26 verse 11: As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly I.E. backsliders who go back into their sin.
Ephesians 2:1-2: Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
After reading a few testimonials, I realized that I should share one more fact about myself. It seems to me that a lot of people became promiscuous after becoming exposed and or addicted to porn. For me it was the exact opposite, I didn't have sex until I was in my late 20's(if you have read my earlier post then you know the reason why). The only reason that I did decide to have relations was just to get it over with. Not the most romantic idea I know, but I was tired of my friends giving me a hard time about this one issue.
Anyhow, it was with a lady that I met at a dance club. We ended up going out a few times. I don't want to bore people to tears; however, I will add that I had a really high temperature(103)the first time that I had sex. Looking back it was downright stupid not waiting, but after waiting for 20 plus years I figured I'm not waiting a second longer. One last thing, a week or two later, my friends got together and bought me all the shots that I could handle. As a result of this, I became sicker than the night that I lost my virginity.
Proverbs 26 verse 11: As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly I.E. backsliders who go back into their sin.
Ephesians 2:1-2: Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
Some people who have conquered an addiction through the grace of God get caught up in themselves IE. they no longer lean on the power of the Holy Spirit to give them the strength necessary to withstand the temptation. When this is done, man will ultimately fail. Man is the devil's b*tch without the mercy and grace of God.
Proverbs 26 verse 11: As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly I.E. backsliders who go back into their sin.
Ephesians 2:1-2: Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
When an unsaved person dies an Angel does far more than cry...he ponders why someone would reject the ultimate gift.
He shrugs his shoulders and murmurs why people are in such a hurry to dwell in the sky.
Which isn't guaranteed unless you are born again but don't worry nothing you have done equates to an eternity of scorn.
You are probably wondering do I have to literally come out of the birth canal once more to become born again.
No its much less complicated than this, all one has to do is accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and savior.
So go ahead accept Christ and receive the greatest present of all, salvation.
All you have to do is open your heart and see past Santa Claus and his reindeer and the decorated trees, the eggnog, and mistletoe.
Since Christmas has a far deeper meaning than gifts and sweets, wreaths, and family traditions.
He can also heal you of the immense emptiness and loneliness that you presently feel.
The abyss of emptiness that drugs, money, alcohol, and sex can't even begin to fill as you already know.
To do this one must seek the true meaning of this holiday season I.E. Jesus Christ is the reason for the season.
The only one who can bring you the ultimate feeling of cheer I.E. joy unspeakable.
It's the day that was selected long ago to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ, the son of God that came to Earth to atone for the sins of all mankind.
With the carnal heart it’s almost unfathomable to believe that anybody would so such a self less thing.
But Christ loved you and me enough to sacrifice his life in order to spare us from death, hell, and the grave.
That way you would have a chance to join him in paradise once you have breathed your last breath.
Again all you have to do is accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior...that's all there is to it.
Please don't let another Angel weep over the tragedy of a lost soul dying way before their time.
After all next time the tears could very well be for you which would make me misty eyed and I don't even know you.
If it can make a complete stranger cry one has to wonder what it does to Jesus Christ.
He must think one more beloved child has lost their way and failed to take advantage of Calvary.
If they had only asked for me to come into their hearts I would have gladly commanded Satan to leave.
But alas now they dwell in Hell and have no opportunity to escape.
If they could have a second chance I have no doubt they would have gladly accepted Christ as their lord and savior.
However, once the gates of hell are closed it’s much too late since you ignored the last call.
So at least consider giving your unconditional plea to Jesus Christ today...then he can deliver U from your current state.
On September 17, 1994 at approximately 3 am, I was arrested and charged with a DUI. Anyhow, at the age of 23, I had to pay more than 1500 dollars in court cost and lawyer fees. With the help of my lawyer, I got the charges reduced to careless and imprudent. As a direct result of the DUI, I had my license revoked for a period of 90 days, which at the time seemed like pure hell to me. In addition, I was required to take a test to see if I had a problem with alcohol or not, attend a victims’ impact session, and go to a weekend class, specifically designed to deter future DUI’s.
Looking back, I realize that it was a very stupid thing to do, which can’t be blamed on merely youth. Of course, the most important fact is that nobody was killed, a point that failed to hit home until I watched the movies during the victims impact session. From that moment on, I realized this is far more than just an inconvenience for me and could have turned out far worse. Thus, I became very grateful that I didn’t injure anybody because I don’t think that I could live with that type of guilt.
In closing, hearing the survivor’s words nearly broke my heart, which is undoubtedly the reason I will never drink and drive again. In fact, outside of toasting in the New Year of 2004 with a single glass of champagne I haven’t had even a hint of alcohol (I did this because my sister in law invited my dad and me to toast in the New Year with all her family). I don’t plan on ever touching the stuff ever again.
Matthew 5 verse 28: I say unto you, That whosoever looks on a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Proverbs 26 verse 11: As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly I.E. backsliders who go back
As I was reading my Bible this morning I was reading from the book of 2 Corinthians and this particular thought suddenly came to me. When you completely and unwaveringly trust in the cross and what Jesus did for all who will only believe in him and accept him as their Lord and savior then the Holy Spirit can restrain your sin nature, which for mere mortal man is impossible.
Man may be able to control their sin nature but eventually with out the power of the Holy Spirit you are going to fail. Man can't live by the law since we are woefully inaccurate to live up to and obey them. God's grace and love is the only thing that can save your soul. If, he didn't love you he would have never sent his son to pay the hefty tab that mankind never could.
Another way to think of the sin nature is the way in which some cartoons put a little devil and a little angel on a person's shoulder. If a person is ruled by his sin nature the little devil is going to be listened to frequently and the angel will be largely ignored. Of course, the flip side would be when a person always looks to the cross and therefore the little devil will be lassoed by the angel on your shoulder.
Still man likes to be in control and therefore resists to be led by the Holy Spirit. Of course, when man thinks that he's in control he's not since his sin nature is the boss. So, it all comes down to who you want to be in control the sin nature or the Holy Spirit restraining the sin nature or if you will the anti-christ nature.
Pornography is my kryptonite whereas my lead shield is the Holy Spirit, which has been generously provided for me by God.
I'd say if a person reads the Bible on a consistent basis you should be able to see that he's applying to his life what he's learning from reading The Word of God. His life should be transformed and their should be fruit I.E he should be a new person in Christ.
I hope this helps anybody that is currently suffering, approximately, five years ago I suffered from debilitating lower back pain, due to two back surgeries that failed and falling 15 feet on the hood a tractor back first, nothing I tried would alleviate my pain. Still with this fact in mind, my brother would come by where I lived on a semi-frequent basis and bluntly tell me that I was faking my pain and that it was all in my head, I was just lazy and should go get a job, which was impossible for me to do then (A few years later I found out that the hateful words had actually come from my soon to be ex-sister-in-law rather than my older brother. He was hurting inside due to his dying marriage and picked on me since I was an easy target).
Anyhow, immediately after my brother got done ripping into me a felt a dark force tell me over and over that I should go ahead and kill myself because my life wasn't worth living and nobody would miss me if I went ahead and committed suicide. This demonic presence attacked me sometimes on a daily basis and most of the time when I was taking a shower. I have no idea why the attacks happened there except maybe if I became so frightened I might fall through the glass doors. No matter the venue the voice was relentless and clear. The message was always the same and never deviated.
The suicide pusher would not relent no matter what I did that is short of reading the Bible, which I saw no purpose in doing since I always got bogged down when it got to the genealogies. That's where in the past I simply lost interest. Therefore, until something changed I would not read any of the Bibles that I already owned. No matter if it halted the voices, which I believed that it would not because I would not understand what I was reading. I refused to budge on this issue.
Then one Sunday morning I happened to turn on the TV and Jimmy Swaggart was espousing on how his new Bible is for people who don't read the Bible due to either lack of interest and or lack of understanding. So, after some deliberation I ordered the Bible. Nothing changed until the day I tore open the box containing my new Bible. After I received my Expositor's Study Bible and started reading it from Genesis to Revelation things changed. Sure enough the frightening thoughts just left my mind and I had a sense of peace. So, I continued to read my new Bible on a daily basis and the thoughts never came back.( If you have a Bible that you understand then read it if not then find one that will make it easier for you to comprehend)
Now I still get thoughts planted in my head that I don't want but nothing near as bad as suicide. In closing, another way to look at it this if I wasn't already God's property Satan would not be trying so hard to destroy me.
James 5:11 We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the outcome of the Lord's dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful.