Webcams
Hi everyone -
I posted here a while back when I realized how deeply my husband was into porn. It was just after our daughter was born and I realized after looking at our web history that he was (at that point) not only looking at pictures, but personal ads online (with pictures). I confronted him about it and he said that it was just for entertainment because people post some pretty weird stuff sometimes. Anyway, I let him know that it wasn't acceptable but he continued to look at porn.
Finally it got to the point where I was snooping further than the web history because I just had this weird gut feeling I couldn't shake. I actually figured out his password to his work email and I found a couple responses to personal ads online. I was shocked. One said "Hey sexy just here bored at work and looking through the ads. Saw your beautiful picture and just thought I'd say hi." The other one was just questioning why that particular person was posted in that city. When I confronted him about that, he was of course upset that I'd been in his email but he explained that he'd probably been looking at the ads and got up without logging out and someone else thought it'd be funny to play a joke on him. Problem is, that's a plausible explanation because it's happened to other guys he works with. The other problem is, I can't trust him completely now because I don't know if that's just an excuse.
After that argument, he stopped looking. I honestly thought things were getting better. But I went to a conference in August and when I returned, he was raring to go and even wanted to be intimate in front of our daughter (who is now about 1 1/2). I was shocked at his behavior and checked the web history again. Lo and behold, he was back to looking at the same stuff, but he'd taken it a step further. He'd found a website with free access to girls on webcams. Some of the girls "perform" for free and others you have to pay with tokens to get to see them. Anyway, I have a way of knowing exactly what he's doing, so I know he's not talking to any of them. I think he's just watching - he even has a few favorites that he looks for when he's on - I don't think there's any other gratification he's getting out of it, if you know what I mean. But, he's on there every single day that he's home with our daughter and I'm at work.
I can't bring this up with him because he gets so mad when I do (from the experience that we had a year ago) and he just beats me down verbally. I asked multiple times before if he would go to counseling with me but he always refused. I just feel dirty when I am "with" him because I don't think I'm who he is making love to. I just don't know what to do and I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. If we didn't have our daughter, I might seriously be considering leaving him, but I can't do that to her. I just don't know what to do at this point.
Hi, Sarah;
I am so sorry for your situation. My heart and my prayers go out to you.
I know that you are afraid to confront your husband, but at this point, you are probably going to have to. If you don't confront him, there is very little chance that he will stop doing what he's doing. At least if you confront him, there is a chance that he will listen.
If you feel uncomfortable confronting your husband, or if you don't know how, seek some wise counsel and pray about it, that the Lord may show you just how to confront him, and most of all, give you strength!!
I know that you are afraid, but if you don't confront your husband now, things can only get worse. Avoiding the issue won't solve anything. Your husband NEEDS to be held accountable for his actions.
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
Are you and your husband Christians? I know of some good books that might help your husband. Do you think he would be willing to read them?
There are also some great ministry links on this website. You might want to check them out.
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
I'm terrified to confront my husband. When this came up before, I was always wrong, no matter what. He kept telling me that I was insecure and a prude, and that I was ok with this before - what changed? And the truth is, I grew up in a very strict Christian household, so when I got to college and got out on my own, and met my husband, and discovered his porn collection, I thought it might be fun to experiment and be a "bad girl" for a little bit. But, he got rid of it when we got married and I naively thought he was done with it.
He brought home a couple movies for us to watch together but I truthfully felt so guilty watching them. I just thought I was being a "cool wife" for doing that with him.
And look where that's got me now... when this came up before, he said, "This is me, and I'm not going to change." I'm afraid that's true. I know that he's not really making love to me, but just using my body to work out what's in his mind. I'm very well aware of that. But I am so afraid of what will happen when I do confront him about this. I don't have the support system I need if we end up separating.
But at the same time, I think about our daughter and I don't want her accidentally exposed to any of this crap. I just don't know how to constructively get him to talk to me about this without threatening him. I'm not great at confrontation, and this won't be anything but a confrontation.
I am a Christian, and my husband was brought up as a Christian but stopped going to church because he didn't like anyone "telling him what to do". When I suggested counseling before, he always refused for the same reason - he didn't want someone telling him how to live his life.
I seriously doubt that he would be willing to read anything anti-porn. I've been combing through some of the resources on here and I'm very well aware of why all of this is so awful. It's just finding a way to get him to realize it.
I'm just afraid that it's going to take hitting bottom, i.e. losing me and our daughter, before he realizes that he needs to change.
Hi, Sarah;
I agree...You seriously have to think about how his porn habit might impact your daughter. Have you discussed that part of it with your husband...that you are afraid that she might be exposed to it? I wonder if he's even thought about that at all.
I really do think that you need to confront him with some of the more serious issues -- how it's effecting your sex life and your emotions, as well as the issue of your daughter. You definitely don't want her exposed to it.
You say that you don't want a confrontation. Do you think that you can confront him in a loving manner without having to threaten, or is he very defensive about his porn habit?
Sarah -- I went through the same thing with my own husband. I tried to accomodate his wishes by allowing him to bring porn into our bedroom, and I thought I was doing the right thing....and just like you, it turned into a huge, hurtful mess, so to an extent I know what you are going through right now. Unlike you, though, I let it get out-of-control. You are definitely doing the right thing by wanting to get this taken care of now.
I know you are afraid, but you must confront him. Like I said, though, it doesn't have to be immediately. Pray and ask God for wisdom, guidance, and courage. Pray for conviction for your husband. Do you have a home church? I really think you need to get some support system, and other women who can encourage you and love you. The importance of that cannot be underestimated. Is there anyone you know who you can talk to about this, who can offer you godly counsel?
If he reacts negatively, or says anything to you about "well, you never used to mind before," let him know that you guys have a child now, and that you want to raise her in a healthy environment, and that you want to do the right thing.
One thing you said that worries me is that he wanted to get intimate with you even with your child right there. That is definitely something to be concerned about. I just really want to encourage you to be strong about this, because I think you know deep in your heart, underneath all of the fears and hesitation, that this cannot continue. Not only is it hurtful to you, but it is potentially harmful for your child, also. If there are serious problems in the marriage, she is going to sense it. You want to have an emotionally healthy environment for her.
Sarah.....I would just REALLYencourage you to pray and seek the Lord, and seek some Godly counsel. Eventually, you will need to confront him, but you don't need to do it alone. You mentioned that you might need to separate from him in order to sort of bring him back into reality. I know women who have done this, and God completely restored their marriage. They did this after much prayerful consideration, though, so that's what I would encourage you to do. Of course, I cannot tell you what to do, but I can tell you that God knows what's best, and that you should really seek Him.
He wants to reach down and speak to you and encourage you. I also know that He wants your husband to stop watching porn even more than you do.
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
It sounds like your husband doesn't take correction too well. My husband was the same way. That's probably why he is so adimate about not giving up his porn. If he doesn't like to be told what to do, then he may have to learn the hard way, but I will pray that it doesn't have to get to that.
I know that your husband doesn't want to go to counseling, but what about you? Have you ever thought about going to counseling on your own? Sometimes it helps to have someone to talk with.
It sounds to me like you really love your husband. He probably doesn't even realize just how much you love him. Unfortunately, for some, it takes losing what they have in order for them to realize just how good they have it.
Is there anyone at all that you can talk to and get counsel and encouragement from?
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
I haven't attended church in a long time. There were issues with the youth group at the church where I was at in high school and I haven't really attended since then. I was going to counseling by myself, with a sex addiction counselor, at that, and she really couldn't do much unless he came in to talk to her. The most she told me was that I needed to stop checking up on him because it's not my job to police him. This was hard for me to hear because I feel like I need to know if he does slip further in order to protect myself. But, I know she was right. I'm considering going back to see another counselor that isn't a sex addiction counselor because I guess I need someone to focus on me.
I have considered going back to church for some time now, but it's hard to walk into a church cold, if you know what I mean. The last time I did that I got ignored. I may try a local church tomorrow.
I have my best friend here, but that's about as far as my current support network goes. So if it came to separation, I would really be reliant on her.
I do love my husband but I absolutely HATE what he is doing. I just feel so lost and lonely because I feel like the sex is really what he married me for. I made some mistakes when we first started dating and I feel like I am really paying for those mistakes and my naivete now.