The lying is killing me.
My husband and I have been married for 1.5 years, 15 months of which he spent in Iraq. He had been back for just 6 months when I found out he was texting someone else. The first thing that came out of his mouth was: "It's a man".
My husband had cheated on me with a cross-dresser.
I asked him to please tell me the truth, everything, because I was going to check his phone records. He told me it was just one person. Next day I found out about another person by checking his phone records.
The following day, I found out about a third person (all of them transsexuals or cross-dressers). Again, I begged him, in tears, to come clean and tell me how many people.. and for how long this had been going on. Because I can cope with the cheating, but not the lying.
For a month straight I begged him to tell me the truth. I don't know how, but I knew he was still lying to me. I couldn't sleep, eat or simply get out of bed... I was in so much pain. I couldn't go on with my day knowing that this person... the love of my life, my best friend, my everything, the man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with... was keeping secrets from me. He was living a second life to which I had no part of.
Finally, I was able to retrieve a deleted email account that he used with all of the emails (I'm very tech savvy!). In there I found that he had seen over 9 different transsexuals & cross-dressers. My husband then admitted this, but nothing else.
He voluntarily scheduled a counseling appointment for him, and for us. I came to learn that he was a SA. He started attending his SAA meetings. He has asked me to install monitoring software in our computers and on his phone (which I did). As far as I know, he has taken all the right steps; indicative that he really wants to overcome this and be good to me.
But, I can't move on. I am stuck. I can't believe he lied his way to the end. I am mortified. At this point, I don't care the real number of people, or even their sex, all I see is a lying bastard. I am beyond heartbroken, because of the lying. He saw me in bed, crying myself to sleep, begging him to just tell me. He saw me loosing my mind, struggling to stand up, to eat... he could have put an end to all that by JUST TELLING ME! And he didn't.
Now that I know what really happened, I am calmed, cool and rational. I stopped crying. I am back to myself again. Still heartbroken, but no longer in sheer misery.
I understand he is a sex addict... but that doesn't excuse the brutal lying. He is trying to make right now... but how can he say that he is fixing this, while he was still lying to my face?
What to do? What to do? Is a 'fresh start' still possible? Can I move on from this? I feel like staying with him makes me a pushover... that I would neglect myself. I feel like the fair thing for me is to move on.
Comments
I want to thank you all for your words of wisdom. Like one of you said, sometimes I do feel like is better (easier) to just walk away and not deal with all of the insecurities, doubts and rage that come with trying to overcome this with my husband. I feel so out of place, "how did I ended up in this position?, what did I do wrong to end up dealing with this?" I never thought I was going to face these kind of problems.
To answer one question posted regarding how Iraq may be related to him becoming addicted to porn; My husband admitted to have an addiction to porn and to have sexual encounters with men and transgenders even before he knew me. There was a long pause of this behavior when we started dating (and later married) but it was during and after Iraq that it was triggered again, worse than ever.
Since my last post my husband and I have attended our weekly counseling meetings, RCA tele-meetings (Recovering Couples Anon.) and my husband has attended his SAA meetings also. He is working very hard towards recovery, I have absolutely no doubts about that. However, my progress is at a slower pace. I don't trust him. I know I need time, lots of it. There is no way around it, absolutely no substitute for time. I am still as heartbroken as the first day I found out.
Some days I feel like I shouldn't be in this position and that I can do better than him. Others I feel like I can take on anything and do this with my husband. That I can be here for him, get through this and be better than ever. Other days I am consumed with fear that he will cheat again and give me an STD; that I am just wasting my time, energy and risking my health. But for the most part, I am simply heartbroken. Disgusted and devastated that he cheated, lied and lived a life I never imagined MY husband would live.
This is greater than me. But I am not alone. Just, one day at a time.
First I do want to say that a lot of times its just about walking with each other out of love. Not judging anyone, but just being there for one another exhorting each other.
I do hear the pain and I do understand to a degree although I have not been through what you are talking about, but do care. I do know that the only way to break any cycle that any of us are in, is to spend more time with God and learn to hear what He has to say, which will also fill some of the voids.
Here is something I can relate to and atest to. Paul wrote that there was nothing good in him except for God and I am in total agreement with that. There is nothing good in me except for God. I had to come to the realization for myself that there was nothing good in me except for God. I don't have the right to speak for anyone else. Once I really understood that there was no hope for me without God, I started seeking Him more and more and more as I came to understood what that meant.
Now I don't even get out of bed in the morning or do anything without coming to God and at least praying the Lord's prayer to start with, which is a great prayer. In that prayer we are asking for His will to be done on earth or in our lives as His will is done in heaven and also asks for our daily bread which is Jesus to help get us through whatever it is we are going through.
Then as I go through the day I seek God for everything including whatever to write or even speak, because I have finally come to the point and understand fully that there is nothing good in me except for God.
I do love you and hate that your going through things. I can only suggest to spend that time with God and He will show you things that you could not know and even show you how to walk with Him and as He does that He will show you how to walk with others.
Sarah
God does have a plan for everyone and everyone is called to be a part of ministry somewhere. All jobs in ministry are important as it is designed by God to be a servant and save lives. God gave us so much, but how much do we give Him in return?
Thanks for the update.
I'm glad to hear that your husband is getting the help he needs. I'm not surprised to learn that his being stationed in Iraq triggered this behaviour. Being in combat, and also being separated from you, perhaps he was looking for some coping mechanism.
I'm so sorry for all of the hurt this has caused you. It sounds to me like he is really trying to straighten himself out. That is good news!! It also shows that he really loves you -- a lot of men would just continue in their habit, while trying to conceal it. I just want to encourage you -- have patience, and don;t get discouraged. I know how hard it is, but anything worth saving takes work, and your marriage is worth saving.
It might not seem like it is now, but believe me, it is.
Also, have you thought about going and getting counseling on your own, apart from him? It might really help you, just to have someone to talk with, to learn how to cope and heal yourself, because you've been hurt by all of this, as well.
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
I'm truly sorry you are having to deal with this.
My husband was a porn addict 1 1/2 years out of the 2 we dated. So many lies where told - looking back I honestly couldn't tell you what was said that was truth or lies, honestly.
It takes a LONG time for trust to be regained. A LONG time. My husband, like yours - was doing everything right. He was finally on the right path - the path that I had prayed for, for so long. The path that I had waited our entire relationship for - but what was wrong with me? I was bitter, heart broken and still unsure of so many things.
God can and WILL restore your relationship with him. No one is asking or even expecting you to be fully trusting right now. It's a process. Give it time - it'll happen. Work on yourself - your husband is on the right track at this point. You gotta stop worrying about him - and get yourself together. You need to be healed, from the pain and hurt. You need to focus on you. Then when you do - and you are restored, the trusting will come naturally again.
In the end, your relationship will be stronger than ever.
Hang in there. You're in my prayers.
Jess
Hi, masquerade;
I won't add much more to what has already been said, as you have been given some good advice, but I just really want to encourage you. The fact that he has asked you to install monitoring software in your computer and phone is a very good sign, because that shows that he at least has a desire to change.
I also noticed that you said that he just came back from Iraq. How long was he stationed there? Was he involved in any active combat? If he was, then there is a chance that he has experienced some trauma from this, and that he is using the pornography and this behaviour to cope with the trauma. I do know that a lot of men who are stationed overseas use porn as a way of coping with the situation. A lot of them will look at porn as a means of escape, or because they are lonely. I know it may sound really bizarre, but the fact that they are separated from their wives, and are lacking that intimacy, and the fact that porn is so accessible, it almost serves as a replacement, and they become addicted. Men who would not normally look at porn, when they are in that situation, see it as an easy escape. This might be his situation.
You might want to consider this as a possibility, especially if he wasn't like this before he went to Iraq.
I know where you're coming from, and I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. My husband never cheated on me with any prostitutes, but he was heavily involved in pornography, so to an extent I know what you are going through.
Andrea is right, though -- God is more than capable of restoring your relationship with your husband. Pornography doesn't have to destroy your marriage, especially if your husband sincerely wants to change. I also agree with soccerdad that he is probably very ashamed, which is why he was keeping secrets from you. I realize that this is no excuse, and I am not condoning this kind of behaviour, but I doubt that he was trying to hurt you by lying to you. He might have had some pre-conceived notion of how you might react to the truth, and perhaps he thought that he might be able to cover it up before you found out.
Either way, it definitely doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt you. It sounds more like a result of shame and fear to me.
I will pray for you and your situation. I think that counseling is a very good idea. You might also want to consider some sort of PTSD counseling for him, as well, especially if he was in combat. I know that you are very angry, and very hurt, and I know the betrayal that you are feeling, but I just want to encourage you to continue to pray. Ask the Lord to really soften your heart, and ask Him to help your husband change. Pray strength over your husband. If you have the courage, try praying with your husband about the situation. Go with him to counseling, and when he is in counseling, pray that God gives the counselor wisdom and clarity, and conviction for your husband's heart.
I am quite positive that your husband loves you, and that he wants to change. Continue to seek the Lord, and I know that he will give you the strength to deal with this.
God bless you. Please keep us updated.
April
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
Edited by Pink Cross Moderator
I can't say that I have been in your shoes 100% or even 50% however I have seen the way God can restore a marriage. I will share more in detail about that later but in short, I was separated from my husband for two weeks shy of a year and there were many times I wondered if there was any hope, but God is FAITHFUL to anyone who prays (or prays for you during the times you don't feel strong enough).
He hears your heart crying. He's listening.
I am glad you found Pink Cross. We are here to support you and help you along this long road you've begun. Thanks for feeling comfortable enough to share your story here. I will post more later. I want to study and pray about it before posting in more depth.
You are loved,
Andrea
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
My first husband was a homosexual/drag queen/male prostitute and lied to me about many things throughout our marriage. I, too, came to a place where I could deal with the lifestyles as long as I knew what was going on, but the lying was just too much.
I understand the immense pain and complete misery all of this causes. The deep feelings of hopelessness. I'm not sure how deep your husband is into the lifestyles, if at all, but being that he has communication with them shows at least a curiosity. Usually in these cases, the men are seeking to find out who they are, even in this type of extreme way. Your husband may be hurting deep down inside over something and doesn't know how to deal with it.
As strange, and as unbelievable as this sounds, what I can tell you is that you did not cause this. It is not about anything you did wrong and it's not because there's something lacking in you. It is a spirit he is dealing with and this can only be fought in the spiritual realm through prayer and spiritual warfare.
Yes, your marriage is salvageable because your husband is willing to change. It will take time. I know you're at a point now where you feel like you just want to give up. It will take time to love him through whatever it is he is dealing with. It's especially hard in a new marriage because you're JUST starting your lives together and getting to know each other. In your case it's even more difficult because he was away for so long.
The most important thing for you to do is to get into the Word of God everyday and fill yourself up so that you will have the strength to endure this. You CANNOT do this without Jesus. It is good that he is willing to seek individual counselling and you are also both willing to do counselling as a couple. A good Christian counsellor can show you HOW to love your husband through this according to the Word of God.
I also suggest that if you don't already have one, you find a great Bible-believing church where he can remain accountable to other men. It would also be good for you to find fellowship with other Christian women who can help to strengthen you for the road ahead. And, of course, you're always welcomed to post here for advice and encouragement anytime you wish!
Please let us know how you're doing and feel free to ask about anything that is bothering or urking you.
GodzPrincess
Pink Cross Forum Admin