taking a stand
Boy, it has been a little while since I have been here. I wish I had good news to bear, but I dont. My husband claims he is not veiwing porn, denies masterbating, ect. I once again today found out about him not quitting the MB part. I know I wont ever catch him veiwing porn because he is so descreat and sly. It seems as I slowly begin to trust him again, I get the walls of trust ripped down quickly again. You cant make someone listen, or quit what they do,you cant make someone stop makeing bad decisions, you can only pray for them. I have been praying for a long while now for him, doing my part what I should be doing and I am tired. Tiered of having to live with a liar, someone who doesnt want to put their % into the marraige. I hear so many excuses after another I cant keep up. He is back to sleeping on the couch again, has been for about a month at least, BY HIS CHOICE. He has his excuses for that as well. I am open, honest and kind to him and I get crap in return. I have made up my mind. He may not be "VEIWING" porn from what he says, but I am not willing to live a single sided marriage. I have children to think about. I always pray god will deliver him and at least reveal it to me so I dont feel like I am going nuts. I wont give up prayer for us, but I refuse to feel like I am stuck or a crappy person who has no self esteem any longer. It just isnt going to happen. I am taking a stand for myself and my children. I know plenty of people may think a seperation legally may be wrong, but I am sick of no rest in my home.
Comments
I'm sorry that you have been trying to stand by your marriage and your husband, trying to be forgiving and showing grace, and feeling like you're not getting anything in return for it. It can be extremely difficult to deal with and only by our faith and dependence on God can we persevere...but I also believe sometimes there is a place for "tough love" and leaving may be necessary too. Sometimes the husband addicted to porn, refusing to repent, refusing to give it up, may need to lose everything -for a time- in order to "get it". Some people just have to hit rock bottom before they wake up and change their ways. Unfortunately, some never do.
Don't feel it is your fault or your responsibility to make your husband see the error of his ways, etc. That is God's job. You just need to seek Him and trust His guidance in your situation.
I have a friend whose husband is an alcoholic and verbally abusive to her. She too has tried everything hoping to get him to stop drinking and start being a godly husband. He even attends church, but still drinks and still verbally hurtful to her. Nothing seems to get thru to him, so she has been at her wits end for quite a while now. I've prayed with her and encouraged her...still, she is tired of it and has wanted out, but stays, one, cuz finances, two, cuz she keeps clinging to the hope someday God will answer her prayer and her husband will be delivered. I feel helpless for her. Not a good situation. But I do believe we must continue to trust God and seek Him and draw near to Him. God cannot coerce everyone to be healed and set free and saved...so we must simply pray and give Him the person/situation, and let the situation conform us into the image of Jesus. Still seeking to learn this myself.
Hugs and blessings,
Tonya
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine!...I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...You are precious and honored in my eyes, and I love you...do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Is.43:4-5)
The thing is I dont blow up at all or get angry anymore, yesterday I told him about how I know and found out he is hiding his MB again and he gets angry and tells me he isnt doing it and basically I am nuts. I then said to him I am tired of feeling like I have a mental issue or that I am delerious so I showed it to him and he just told me to "figure it out" and proceeds to tell me he will keep our daughter. It is so frightning he uses her as leverage. I know he is angry. but he needs to accept responsibility and admit his wrongs at least so we can work on them. I have set counciling up for him and he has canceled, missed several times and he has never really gone. Over two years ago when this has came up he did accompany me to counciling with our pastor at the time, but then he said he didnt like them. then we went to a freinds pastor, and we only had 2 sessions before he quit. I see no consistancy, just anger, lies and I cant trust him. I have been in this for only 4 years and I litterally feel drained. I am a full time student in college now, have three children I raise for the lord, I work part time and I am in no shape to babysit a man I married! I feel numb and that I just cant regain trust. I even at times feel I am really going crazy. It is hard to not give up.
Hello, dear friend;
You have been on my heart on and off for the past few months. I was wondering how things were going with you. Thank you for checking back in.
Wow, I am so sorry that things have not improved. It sounds to me like you have been doing all you can, all that the Lordhas expected of you, regarding your husband. Unfortunately, as you said, no one can make your husband want to change but himself -- but you have been praying for him and showing him grace and patience, which is what the Lord expects from you. You sound like a very strong woman, and a very Godly wife.
Whatever you should decide to do, I just want to remind you and encourage you that the Lord is still with you, and He has not stopped working in your situation. I know that you have been praying, and if you are praying for God to lay conviction on his heart, I just want to remind you that God has not, nor will He stop, doing that. It's up to your husband whether or not to listen to that conviction, but I just want to encourage you that NO ONE is beyond the reach of the Lord, not even your husband, despite his stubbornness and refusal to do the right thing. For some people, it just takes longer than others to finally heed to the Lord's promptings.
In no way am I encouraging divorce, and I am not telling you what you should do -- that is between you and the Lord -- but if the Lord is leading you to separate for a while, then you should not feel bad. Perhaps this is the catalyst that the Lord wants to use to bring about change in your husband's heart. Of course, you must expect that there will be resistance on the part of your husband, but if you have prayed about it, sought counsel, and feel that this is the right thing for you and your children, then do not feel afraid to move forward...only you know what is the best thing for you and your family.
Have you prayed about this decision? If you have, and the Lord is leading you to separate for a while, then rest assured that He will be alongside you to help you through this painful time. Whatever you do, pray and make sure that this is what the Lord is leading you to do.
I know that you have been praying for your husband, but have you been praying for yourself as well? With all that you have been suffering, I know that you are in need of God's strength and peace in your own heart. When you are continually being hurt, it is just as important, perhaps even more important, that you take care of yourself spiritually, and not become so encumbered by the situation that you neglect your own well-being. Sometimes we can get so caught up in worrying about the situation that we forget about praying for ourselves, or taking care of our own needs. I really want to encourage you to continue seeking the Lord, asking Him to just fill you to overflowing with His peace and grace. Ask Him to give you rest......really surrender your situation to Him, and just seek His face like you never have before.
He will give you the strngth to get through this. His will is not for you to continue suffering. Whatever happens, just trust that the Lord is working in every detail of your situation, and take rest in that fact.
Mt. 11:29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls
I also just want to let you know to not worry about him using your children for leverage. I went through the same thing with my own husband, and yes, I know that it is heartbreaking, but the thing is, those children of yours -- they ultimately belong to the Lord, and if you have surrendered them to Him, He will continue to keep His hand on them. He knows what is best for them, so just trust that whatever happens, it is in the Lord's hand, and you hav no reason to worry. God loves them -- even more than any earthly parent can.
Please continue to let us know how you are doing. I will lift you up to the Lord in prayer.
Love you much
April
Beloved Branch
Moderator/Admin
Pink Cross Forums
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
Your words are so ecouraging to me. To answer your question, I have not really prayed too much for myself. You are right, I found myself littarally ingulfed into my husband and his addiction trying to figure out the why's and how's and such. I only have prayed about a few times for myself, now I will do this. I also havent really prayed at all for help making a decision of divorceing or not wich I am definatley going to do now. I dont think I should make a decision like that until I have prayed about it and found an answer. I think divorce is awful and especially for the children sake. I hate the fact I am living in terror daily of wondering if he has taken the next step to physicall adultry. He is in denial of being a porn addict, and I dont see him changing his attitude soon. But I will still pray for his realease of addiction. It is heartbreaking to wake up daily after taking such a long time to go to sleep at nights lying there wondering if he will fall again. I also feel bad when I judge him for this. I will make a list and pray for myslef too. I tend to really ignore his addictions and just carry on in the marriage too so I can pacify myself and my children. I hate the fact I live with him, marriage is not easy in any way, especially when I was lied to deeply burned by him several times before we got married and during the marriage. Out of all the times daily I have prayed for him, I always feel let down that god hasnt revealed to me if he is into his addiction currently or not so I can know if I should stay or leave. I feel he is in porn or worse personally but I wont leave unless I catch it again. Its like I almost think that god wont allow me to see it even if he is doing it knowing that I would leave. I could drive myself nuts about this. All I am doing is praying he is out of it and stays out. I hate porn and what it has done to me and my dignity. I have been stripped of a good marriage, my dignity and alot more. It is the first thing I think of when I get up and the last thing I think about before I sleep. That is sad I let it run my life. I need to get on my face before god and pray about all of this that he will open my eyes and really dig in to relive my pain and help me take the path he wants to lead me to. It is so hard to explain, I hate the sin, But I love the sinner. My husband has broken my heart and my trust so much I hope it is repairable. Thank you for your prayers. Keep it up and I am going to pray for me. I think all of this junk for the years I have had to deal with it has affected me so badly I dont know what to think anymore. It is almost a haze I am in.
Yeah, that is not a good thing, to feel numb and so drained and worn out, after having to dealing with it for 4 years. I have not dealt with that kind of issue in my life, so I do not really know what that would be like. It is wrong for your husband to use your daughter for leverage, saying he will keep her, I'm presuming he is talking about if you divorce him...that is not right, to put her in the middle like that. No doubt he feels very threatened. His refusal to go to counseling with or without you is not good either. He is not making good choices for his life right now.
You definitely have a lot on your plate right now, whew! Have you tried to find someone to talk to, just for you? Someone to share your burdens with, someone to pray for you and with you, someone to encourage you? You definitely need someone, besides being here on the forums. Do you have anyone at your church you feel comfortable sharing this with? I can't give you guidance in terms of what you should do. That is something you will need to do, and hopefully you can bring yourself to come to God for His wisdom and guidance in your situation. It can be hard to seek God and feel like you have peace on what He wants you to do. I have a hard time with it myself. But I really encourage you to reach out to someone locally to walk with you thru this. Not easy! But God said that He will be with us wherever we go, that He will not leave us nor forsake us. So, we do not need to be afraid. :)
Blessings,
Tonya
"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine!...I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...You are precious and honored in my eyes, and I love you...do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Is.43:4-5)