Need Input
My husband is an addict. We have been married 35 years Four. years ago he went to a treatment facility and was doing extremely well. Then my son committed suicide and since family stresses, grief etc have thrown him back into his addiction. This is complicated by the fact that he is on a lot of medications for health issues which makes. He can never go off the medications. Therefore has a lot of trouble getting an erection. He has gone back into porn trying to search for something that will "work". We have not had a sex for years. He doesn't even want to try with me because he is afraid that he can't perform. It doesn't matter to me and have told him so. He masturbates because he heard "use it or loose it" and doesn't see anything wrong with it. He blames me for our lack of sex. I've changed my lingerie, my perfume, and now he wants me to go to a "sex therapist" to learn "how to act like a woman". What he means by that is that seduction is his "turn on". When he is in his addiction he is so so selfish which I know is part of the addiction. We are Christians and everytime we go to church he comes home depressed so he is steering away from that also. He goes to saa meetings once a week but lately hates it. We also have been with a Christian counselor for 3 years. I am tired trying to police him which I know is wrong so I fight that daily and lately have been doing better. When he was sober our relationship was so good and we were on our way until our son's death. I just don't know what to do. I have a hard time wanting to have sex with him in light of this whole thing. I love him and we have been through a lot together but I don't know if I can keep going on like this. Any input would be helpful.
Dear Faith;
Welcome to the boards. First of all, let me say that I am so sorry for has happened in your family, and for what is going on right now. I just want you to know that I just said a prayer for you, and will continue to pray for you.
Have you and your husband had any sort of grief counseling regarding the suicide? I know that you said that you and your husband had counseling, but I can't tell whether it was marriage counseling or grief counseling?
If not, that would be my first suggestion. I know it's been 3 years since his death, but there's a good chancve that your husband hasn't truly grieved, and if that's the case, then he might need to go to some sort of grief counseling, to help him with this.
Also, what kind of addiction was your husband treated for? You don't have to go into detail, but you had mentioned SAA, so I was wondering if it was sex addiction, or substance addiction. If it was your son's death that triggered the addiction again, then what that tells me is that he hasn't really grieved yet, and that his addiction is his trying to find something else to ease the pain.
It also sounds like he is taking this out on you, which definitely isn't right, but he may still be in pain over the suicide.
Faith...I am deeply sorry for what you and your family are going through. I know it's hard, but just continue to pray for patience in dealing with your husband. He may not even realize the extent to which he is hurting you, if he is still hurting himself. I definitely would not recommend that he be looking at porn, though, especially if he has an addictive personality.
It really does sound to me, though, like the main issue is not the porn, but the death of your son. Again, I don't know how long yuour husband has been watching porn, so I can't say for sure. One thing I can say for sure, though, is to continue praying, and seeking God. Pray for your husband. Pray that God will move in his heart, and really heal him. Pray that He will heal your marriage, and restore what had been lost.
Whatever you do, do notgive up hope!!! The Lord has promised us in His word that He will never leave us nor forsake us. God knows your husband's heart, and just what is going on with him. Just really seek Him and draw close to Him, and pray for wisdom and patience.
Ask God to give you an understanding of what's going on in your husband's heart. It may be that he needs a lot of love right now.
Anyhow, I really hope this helped, and I will be praying for God to do a real work. Be blessed, my friend, and if you ever need prayer or just to chat, I am here for you.
Much love
April
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies