I hardly know where to begin but I know I need to share what I've gone through. I've been married for 7 1/2 years and lived with my husband before marriage for almost 9. We had our first child before getting hitched so needless to say things didn't start out in a Holy way for us.I knew my husband was addicted to porn and even watched it with him before we were married. I was duped into the ''cant fight it, all men do it'' mentality. We were both Christians and once we got married we started going to church. I thought that would solve everything. Then we went to marriage seminars and read books dealing with porn addiction and I thought that would work too. Then one day I came across Shelly's page on myspace and listened to her testimony. I had my husband listen and it was quite convicting for him. So he stopped for awhile, met with an accountability partner, and I thought everything was fine again. I didnt want to be a nag so I never asked him about it or held him accountable in anyway. Oh and he would talk to women in chatrooms off and on throughout the years too and I usually caught him in that but he'd supposedly stop and I forgave him.

He decided to take some classes online a few years ago and at the same time developed a nightly beer habit. He would stay up "studying" very late every night and I didn't say anything because I wanted to be "supportive." I also thought he couldn't possibly be enjoying porn again knowing what those ppl go through. Wrong! In his sick and twisted state he thought searching for amateur films would take care of that. So he was drinking and watching porn nightly for almost a year.

Then last year we started hanging out with our neighbor and his girlfriend. She was almost 21 and apparently had no moral compass whatsoever and she and my husband began talking on the phone. Eventually he slept with her. This still confuses me but he went to the pastor the next day and then confessed it to me that evening. I was miserable. I wanted to divorce him and I did make him leave for awhile. I started going to counseling and then we did Biblical counseling together and I chose to forgive him again.

This girl never admitted to what she had done. Her boyfriend(my neighbor and husbands friend)knew the truth but wanted to believe her and it ate at him for several months. He was an alcoholic as well and one night he got drunk then murdered her and comitted suicide. My husband has to live with that now knowing that even though he didnt pull the trigger he had a hand in their deaths.

That was a year ago and things are much different now. I make sure to keep tabs and ask if he's been looking. We do devotions together and we work towards goals we have for our marriage. I hope someday we can share this tragedy with our church family and help others avoid them. Thanks for reading if you managed to make it to this point.