Just when I thought things were getting better
Hi everyone. I stumbled upon this forum in my many searches on porn addiction.
My husband and I have been married for over 8 years. For the past few years, his pornography addiction has taken a "toll" on our marriage.
I have tried everything in my power to make it to where he will not have the urge to want to watch other women, but that still is not enough for him. I consider myself a very attractive female, as does he, he knows that men look at me when we are out and that I could have others, if I desired, but that is not what I want.....I just want him to be faithful to me in the sense of him not watching/looking at porn & pictures.
I have thought over and over again and I do not know what to do any longer!
I feel that if he is not strong enough not to look at porn, then why would he not be unfaithful to me?????
I have talked to him about this and he constantly says that "That is different, I wouldn't put myself in a situation like that and if I were in a situation like that, I would walk away"....and he expects me to believe this.....How could he walk away from this in person if he can't stop watching it??????? Is that even possible!?
I honestly don't know how he could just turn around and walk away if a female was throwing herself at him.....when he is not even strong enough to stop the porn.
Sorry guys, I just get so upset over this and it really disgusts me.....
Comments
We, each of us have been given a free will to do what we want to do. There is a price for that though, because if we do that, it makes us god of our own lives.
The amazing part is and I am speaking for me only, but even with me, God had a plan for my life, but to find that plan I had to seek God and find out what I am supposed to do with life other than being a hooker. At the time I understood how to be a hooker and slave, but I have to admit I really didn't know much else.
It took God's saving grace to show me a path and He literally took my hand and showed me the direction He wanted me to go. That happened because literally my life was at an end, so in an attempt to live, I reached out for God. At that point I gave up my life. I was broken, but Jesus carried me. I was totally clueless understanding the ways of the world, but not God or how any of that worked.
I could not go back to my old life or it would have been death. It is not the same for everyone and consider myself to be blessed that it is that black and white for me. I clearly and fully accept and understand the only good thing in me is Him. What that means is I go to Him for everything, literally, because I know in my heart of hearts I will either hurt myself or others or be hurt.
I found that God has a purpose and plan for everyone and meeting Jesus is just the first step. The rest of it is really up to us individually to seek God for that plan and purpose. In that plan and purpose there is a lot of grace, provision, love, etc.
Because I sought Him, I was given a vision and have tried to stay on that path even though I have gotten side tracked a couple of times. I do not stay on the track because I am a powerful individual. I am not. I stay on the track because everyday I go to Him and ask for His will to be done in my life and ask that His will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
How anyone gets on track or stays on track is not because of our strength or power, but by power of the Holy Spirit, because deep inside I know it is the only hope for me, but I had to come to that decision on my own and even at that, He has allowed me to even take my life back, but I know, that I know, that I know, the only life I have is because of Him.
I am fortunate because I do have a marriage and we are both equally committed to that plan and purpose. Both of us had to get to the point where we were done with life and gave our lives to God, because it is all over our heads.
In that life we have focus and plan we have joy, peace and love. Even the love we have for each other is because of God and not of ourselves. He gave us or put in us desires and gave us the desires of our hearts.
Now I say that, because not everyone has perhaps gone through what I have and so some may think that they can do without God. What I mean by that is going to God for anything and everything. I do know for a fact, that what we focus on will increase. We can focus on the things of God and His purpose for us, learning to walk in His plan or we can focus on other things, that are designed to take us away from God.
In that free will, we can choose what we focus on in life.
I do hope and pray this is some help,
Sarah
God does have a plan for everyone and everyone is called to be a part of ministry somewhere. All jobs in ministry are important as it is designed by God to be a servant and save lives. God gave us so much, but how much do we give Him in return?
Thanks for the encourageing read!
BTW, there were other posts on here earlier that I can't see now, were they deleted? Sorry, I am new to this forum and don't quite now how it works.....I know that on other forums, I can see all posts. How can I find the earlier posts?
Hey, 2nd best.
Yes...they were deleted because they were in violation of the forum policies (men aren't allowed to post in here). Unfortunately, when a post is deleted, all of the responding posts are also deleted. It had nothing to do with you.
I am sorry for the confusion.
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
Ohhh, okay....I really thought that it gave great insight, as far as specific situations.....But, not my rules.... :)
Hi, 2ndbest
Welcome to the forums!!! I am so glad that your internet search led you here. I completely understand what you are going through, because my ex-husband also had a huge problem with porn. I understand how confusing the whole thing is. You think you know your husband, then you find out that he's looking at porn, and it raises all sorts of doubts.
I am so sorry that you are having to suffer through all of this, but I justreally want to offer you some encouragement. I understand your fears that your husband may cheat on you, but you must remember that watching porn is not necessarily an indicator that your husband will cheat on you. There are many men who watch porn, and have never gone out on their wives. My husband was one of them. Just because a man looks at porn doesn't automatically mean that he will have an affair. My husband never went out on me, but the way I look at it, porn is a form of adultery, and you have every right to be upset, and demand that he stop.
You mentioned that you were doing everything in your power to make him want to stop. Unfortunately, his urge to look at porn is not something that you can really do anything about. You can't do anything to make him want to stop until he resolves in his own heart and mind that he wants to stop. He has to decide on his own that he wants to stop looking. I have heard numerous testimonies from men who have come to this site, and after reading the horror stories of what some of the girls have gone through, have been so disgusted by it that they no longer wanted to look.
This doesn't automatically mean that they stop struggling, but at least they have an incentive to stop.
You also mentioned that you are very attractive. I don't doubt that at all, but the truth is how attractive you may or may not be also has nothing to do with your husband's addiction. You could be a supermodel, and physically flawless, but if your husband has a porn addiction, this won't matter, because it's a problem that goes much deeper than just looks.
A lot of men watch porn because they are duped by the whole fantasy that porn generates....the fantasy that the women they are watching love what they are doing, when nothing could be farther from the truth. This is why the men look at porn...not because of how attractive the women onscreen may be. Not everyone in porn is a supermodel.
There is no reason not to believe that your husband would cheat on you. One thing you could do is let your husband know that you will make an effort to trust him, if he will make an effort to stop looking at porn. You could alo point him to this site, and tell him to read some of the statistics and horror stories of what really goes on behind the scenes of porn. If he is being sucked into the fantasy, this might give him some incentive to stop looking.
Is he aware of how much he is hurting you by continuing to look at porn? Explain to him that, not only is he hurting the girls in the industry, but he is also hurting you.
Above all of that, the most important thing that you can do is pray!!! Pray for your husband, that God will take that desire away, and restore your marriage. God will answer your prayer. I have heard so many testimonies of God intervening to save marriages which seemed doomed to fail, so do not give up!! Seek God with all you have, and pray without ceasing. If you lack faith, ask God to increase it, and to give you patience and wisdom to get through this.
I really hope that this helped. Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing.
April
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
I really do think that he "trys" to do his best by me and trys not to watch the stuff, but gives in to it.....The typical addiction.
He tells me all the time how lucky he is to have me and that he wants only me, but of course, his actions show the other side......I honestly can't see how he only "wants" me when he is into the watching porn and having those thoughts when he sees an attractive female.
He actually got down on his knees tonight and said "Do you honestly think I would mess around on you" Do you honestly think I would/have been chatting & viewing LIVE webcams?" I really don't know and that is what I told him.
I know that he is trying so hard to please me because he knows it hurts me, but it seems the devil keeps reering his ugly head into our relationship.
This is so confusing to me, as one minute, i think my husband would never go out and cheat, but then when I really get to thinking about it, I think "well, if he can't control his viewing of porn, on the computer, then how on earth could he say no & walk away if he was approached"......So so confusing! I will keep praying and if you guys/gals would also pray and I hope GOD will help us through this....I honestly do......I don't know what I would do without him, even though I feel hatred towards him at times, I truly love him with my heart....I just don't want to be hurt in the long run and have him acting upon his fantasies in person.......
My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married 7 1/2...six weeks ago I foung nude pictures on his phone that he had been viewing and then sending some of himself to some random stranger he found on a cellphone chat room while he was at work. I had caught him a few times over the years with magazines or porn on the internet but addressed them each as they came, put my foot down each time and believed it was just something he liked that bothered me. Each time he promised it was done and I believed him. This last incident, was the last straw and together we searched for information and came to the conclusion that he is a sex addict. He immediatly started to go to SAA meetings and got a therapist. Two weeks later after I had gone to a support group meeting, I came home with a feeling in my gut and told him if I didnt know absolutely everything I couldnt continue down this path with him. I had asked him several times over the years if he had cheated on me or even thought about it and the answer was always never, I am not one of those guys. This time I asked and was told yes I have cheated on you , it was two years ago and it was with someone he worked with. It lasted for three months..... mostly while I was out of town visiting family. This is a man whom I have known for 11 years and would never have believed this was even possible...we are best friends and it it for long haul....I had no idea his porn and fantasy life even existed still, but found out it had been going on almost everday,, he was looking at porn almost every day. He was masterbating all the time and I didnt even know it. He has since gone to week of rehab and is seeing a therapist, going to at least 4 meetings a week and doing marriage therapy with me, however my point is this....the strongest of women, the most attractive women, the most loving loyal women are all victims to this addiction, we have nothing to do with their addictions and we have no power to stop it. Dont think it cant happen to you or hasnt already... draw the line in the sand, tell him you need the truth and then when it comes, then decide if you can stay and go through it together or leave if that is the best decision for you.... dont think he is not capable of cheating...thats what gets the best of us trusting women...
Hey, there;
Again, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I will definitely pray for you and your husband. It definitely sounds like your husband is being sincere when he says that he would never go out on you, but I can also understand why you would have a hard time trusting him at this point.
At this point, your husband is going to have to take some sort of initiative to stop looking at porn, especially to win your trust back. Tell him this. Does he have any filters installed on his computer? Does he go to church? I know that there are accountability groups for people who struggle with addictions. Perhaps he needs an accountability partner....a man that he can call should the temptation arise.
One thing that you can do, as his wife, is to pray with him...not just for him, but with him. I know that may be very difficult, especially if you are hurting, but one thing Satan hates is when people pray together, because the Bible says where 2 or more are gathered together in My name, I am in the midst of them. It would also let your husband know how much you love him and care for him, and that you are for him, and not against him.
The fact that he admits that he has a problem and is willing to stop is a real positive sign. He sounds sincere to me, especially when he says how lucky he is to have you. I don't know your husband, but I believe you when you say that you believe that he is trying his best.
Pray and ask the Lord to really restore your trust. Tell your husband that, right now, you don't trust him, and that he needs to stop looking at porn in order to re-establish that trust. He needs to take the initiative here.
Most of all, just remember that whatever is happening, God is in control, and he has promised to wrok all thing together for you. Even if it seems like He isn't working, He is, and you must trust Him. As long as you continue to pray, and seek him, He will continue to work in your marriage, and in your husband's heart. Pray for the Holy Spirit to convict him, and rebuke Satan from coming against your husband.
I can tell how much you love your husband, and how much you love God. I will pray for you and your husband. Stay encouraged, and hopeful.
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
I want to sincerely THANK YOU for your kind words and thoughtfulness.
I do thank GOD that we have made it as far as we have.....He use to lie to me about the pornography, even when I was pointing it out to him (things he forgot to delete) he would still say he didn't go there......So I know the lieing has really done a HUGE toll, in combonation with the porn.
I can not stand a liar and that is what he has done to me in the past.....I know I need to lighten up a little, because I really think he is now trying to be as honest as he can.
I do want to pray with him, I really do....I want to give him the encouragement he needs.....BUT HOW CAN I DO THAT WHEN I HAVE TOLD HIM IT IS OKAY TO LOOK AT IT, EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE????? I now wish I hadn;t of said that, but the fact is that I did.....and now, I am regretting it.......I think the reason I said that was because I want to make certain he doesn't go elsewhere and I am afraid that if I tell him to completely stop looking at it, he will move to the next step and pursue it with another woman......and I could never forgive that, like I can pornography.
I am at a loss for saying that it is okay and now wanting to say, it is not ok, all men don't do it......how do I say that now without looking like a lie?
ETA: You know what....I HONESTLY do NOT care if he does look at it every now and then....I really don't, but I don;t think that is possible because it always seems to be more than that......Wow, I know I am so contradicting myself......
ETA: I forgot to answer other questions you had...
My husband does not have any type of a filter on his laptop.....with that said, we also have iPhones and work laptops, so the internet is VERY EASILY accesible for him, at ANY time.....He always has his iPhone on and of course, I will never know if he searches for pornography on his work computer because he rarely brings it home.....
Thanks. We've had problems with that in the past, and we just can't have men posting in here. Thank you for understanding.
I'm sorry. I didn't know that you told him that it was okay to look at porn every once in a while. I can actually relate to your situation very well. I also gave my husband "permission" to look at porn, also, after I first found out that he was looking at it. I'm not sure what your situation is, but the reason I sort of allowed him to was because I felt inadequate sexually, and figured that I needed to in order to be a good wife. He had me so manipulated.
Anyhow, looking back, I wish I had never told him that it was okay. He never went out on me because he was looking at porn, but it did destroy what little intimacy we may have had, and eventually our marriage. I just really want to encourage you to talk to your husband, and explain how you feel. Tell him that you know that you told him that it would be okay, but that having porn in your marriage has caused a lot of uneasiness on your part. Tell him how much you love him, and tell him that you have changed your mind.
Believe me...I also thought that allowing my husband to watch porn would be okay. It does sound like your husband is being sincere when he says that he will not cheat on you, so I wouldn't really worry about that, in all honesty. What I would worry about is the potential for your husband to get hooked on porn. Porn is like any other addiction...It starts off small, but the more you watch of it, the more your desire for it grows. My husband started out on the softcore stuff, but it never stays that way. Porn feeds a curiosity, and a lot of times, you end up wanting to watch more hardcore stuff, and more of it.
If you tell your husband it's okay to watch it, then you are opening a door for him to get hooked on it, and if that happens, then he won't be satisfied with just a little. Also, it is really hard to know just how much and how often he is watching.
If I were you, I would just sit down with him and tell him about your concerns. Tell him that you love him, that you are worried, and that you want him to stop. I know it sounds like you may be contradicting yourself, but just let him know that it's because you love him, and that you are worried.
Also, I just want to say that God does want to bless your marriage, but He cannot do so if your husband is watching pornographic material. Your husband watching porn is a form of adultery, and even if you condone it, it's still adultery.
Anyhow, I really hope this helps, and I will keep praying for you and your situation. Don't be afraid. Just pray before you approach your husband, and ask God to give you the right words to say.
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
Thank you for the comment......You are so correct in saying that porn. is adultry, although one doesn't often think of it that way.
DH did agree that he would NOT look at pictures or watch porn any longer.
For some reason, I get more upset over pictures of these women that he looks at, more than the actual movies.....Did/do any of you feel this same way?
Hi 2nd,
First I just wanted to say that in Christ you are never 2nd best!! Next I wanted to let you know that I totally understand where you are coming from. Although I actually was a performer in the industry, before that I was a very promiscuous girl. I too gave my husband permission to not only view porn, but to be a swinger. Any activity whether it be watching porn or being involved in sexual relationships outside of your marriage is adultery and will take away from the oneness God designed for one man and one woman to share together. Marriage is pure and holy and should be honored as such. I'm glad that you finally came to a resolve and that he promised to stop viewing porn in any form. You both were made for greater things!! God loves you and will lead you through it all if you allow him to be the most important factor in your lives. Every time you feel tempted or he does, why not open the Bible instead or start to praise and worship, it's a great intervention!
With love in Christ,
Jan
In order to marry a soldier you have to be one at heart.