I can't believe this is happening...
I just found out last Monday that my husband of 14 years is a sexual addict. He's been looking at online porn and having sex with prostitutes every 2 to 6 months for the past 5 years. I can't believe I didn't notice anything. I guess that we had the type of relationship where I felt I could totally trust him and never really felt I needed to check on him. Unlike some of the women here, I do not feel that I did anything wrong. Our relationship was good and I hope we are able to get past this eventually, but it's hard as I feel I have no one to talk to about this. I feel like my world has been turned upside down. My husband has seen a therapist who specializes in sex addiction and says he will go every week for as long as it takes. He has been very calm and has taken full responsibility for it. I think I am mostly upset that he could do this and cause physical harm to me. He says he used condoms every time, but there is still a chance of getting an STD and passing it to me. (We have both been tested and the tests were negative thankfully.) We don't use condoms because he has a vasectomy. It just makes me upset that he could be so stupid. And the first few times he did it, I was pregnant, and I was reading online that one STD could cause a baby to be aborted. I'm glad this didn't happen, but again, he put our family at risk for physical harm and possibly death and I'm just upset that he could be so out of his mind to do this. I knew that he had looked at porn before, we've even looked at it together a few times, but I never thought it would lead to this. For those women out there who just have a husband with porn addiction, please try to help him stop, because it can get worse.
This week has been the worst week of my life. I've been ill, which is why he talked to me, because he was worried he did something. He has let me rest and watched the kids a lot. He says he will never do it again. He never wants to hurt me again and I believe that he is telling the truth, but is it possible for him to go cold turkey? He says he's not going to look at porn anymore, etc. I just hate having to keep this huge secret. To have a secret that if found out by people who haven't gone through this, would bring scorn for him and possibly for me. I don't want this to be a part of our lives. I just don't understand why this had to happen. We've always been so open with one another about everything. I'm glad that things are that way again, but I just wish this would have never happened. Although one thing good, is that he is getting help. He's always been mildly depressed and I've told him he should see a therapist several times and now he is getting help, but I wish it didn't have to take something like this to happen for him to get help.
Comments
Welcome to our forum! Interesting name, how did you come up with it?
First off I have to tell me your post broke my heart. I can only imagine the betrayal and heartbreak you feel on a daily basis. I have never been in your shoes (where prostitution is concerned) and I won't pretend that I have. I will be praying for your emotions and health during your recovery time. I have watched my sister deal with an affair in her marriage and I have seen how hard it is. Please feel free to use this forum as your source of strength and support. You are loved here and you have friends who love you and want to see you through to the other side of this nightmare. I understand that someone looking at porn on a computer screen is different than your husband acting out with a true, flesh and blood person. Both are devastating, but I can imagine you wish it was just one and not the other.
My husband has been addicted to pornography since he was a teen. I made it very clear to him that porn wasn't welcome in my home from the start but little by little after we got married, I began to find it here and there. Though I was heartbroken and continued to beat myself up about it (thinking it was my fault), I didn't think he had a "big problem" with it. Until I realized I was only finding part of his history on the computer. He began turning to his cell phone while he was at work and spending time in the magazine racks at gas stations etc. Places he thought he was safe to look without getting caught.
I too have been victim of that scorn you spoke of -- and that was just because of the porn! Apparently, the church we were attending thought that everyone who worshiped under it's roof was blameless and without problems. I was saddened that our library had NO literature on pornography. There was no help groups or anything available to a family who was trying to overcome this obstacle in their family. As a matter of fact, at one point while I was in the library talking to the librarian, I was asked to write my requests down so the others in the library wouldn't know what we were talking about. Even the librarian was afraid of feeling that scorn I think. So sad.
Good news is, you're in the right place. There are many levels of support to be found here -- everyone has a different experience and many people here are going to be holding you, your husband, and your family in prayer. Please feel free to post on this public forum or PM me if you need to talk. God can restore anything and anyone! You just have to trust in the power of prayer and the power that lies in God's hands. I know that's easy for someone to type on a keyboard but harder to live out. I used to get angry when someone would tell me that. But, years later, I see that that was the BEST advice I ever got. My marriage has been restored (even after being separated for a year) and my sister's marriage (that I spoke of earlier) is on the mend as well. God is amazing! He loves you so much and He WILL work all this out for good. I know it seems bleak now, but there is hope in the future.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 says this: For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity.
This was my strength. You have to believe that he will do it!
Check out these songs too:
"Strong Tower" by Kutless
"Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns
Those were two my sister and I used to listen to repeatedly when we thought we couldn't take it anymore.
Andrea
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
How are you doing today? I noticed you hadn't posted back on this thread and I just wanted to see if things had improved?
Andrea
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
It's very good he is going to see a therapist for his addiction. But, just so you know, there is a such thing as a porn addiction, a sex addiction and even impulse control disorders. You should try to figure out which one he has exactly. You might be able to do that by going to one of his therapist meetings with him in a few weeks. It's likely someone may turn to porn and then sex with others, but it doesn't happen in every situation. Sometimes, a porn addict is just a porn addict.
I know I didn't do anything wrong to cause my husband's PA, but sometimes I feel like I am adding to the stress in his life, which is when he is most likely to turn to porn. It hurts both of us in the long run.
My husband tried quitting "cold turkey" when he first met me (I was unaware of the addiction at that time) and he did well for 8 months or so. Then, around the 1.5 year mark of our relationship, I found some porn on his computer. I spoke to him about it and he told me it was just porn, a lot of men do it. I didn't think much about it because I knew his friends and I knew they were all into a lot of porn. I had seen just the tip of the ice burg, I didn't know about all of it. Then, a little while later, I found more and more porn on the computer and I confronted him about it. He told me he was addicted to porn and he didn't know what to do. I didn't do anything FOR him, we just talked about him getting a therapist or us going to couples therapy. The porn stopped for a while too. He never did find a therapist and the porn started back up. He was never "clean" or "sober" more than 8 months. Finally, this last round, I got on him about it. He's seeking support on on-line support networks (similar to this) and I am actively seeking out a therapist WITH him. So, to make a long story short, maybe some men can go "cold turkey", but I feel like with any addiction (nicotine, alcohol, drugs) there has to be a support network for that person. Have you looked into a 12 step program for your husband? Try googling sex addict recovery and see what you can find. There might be a Sex Addict Anon in your area and even some support networks for you as a spouse affected by his behavior.
Someone suggested to me that you go to his therapist meetings once a month or so to be able to weigh in on what's going on and how much progress (or lack of progress) he is making. The person who told me to do it this way said she would recommend it to most people because a friend of hers got into a sticky situation with her husband seeing a therapist. Apparently, he had been seeing the doctor for a year and then she went with him. Turns out, he had been talking about his "controlling wife" and the therapist was trying to help him gain stability in his life because his jealous, abusive wife might take away his children. After the therapist saw the big picture, she referred him to a sex therapist and canceled all his future appointments with her. I'm not saying all men will lie about their therapy appointments or lie to the therapist, but when you have a man who has lied to his wife about porn addiction or sex addiction, then who knows what he is telling a professional.
Good luck, I will be praying for you.
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1 Cor 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.