Help I think I am done
Hi I am new to chat rooms so I hope I get it right. I have been with my husband for 34 years. At first he just had a few magazines and then when computers became big he was up on th computer two or three nights a week. I used to check his history and then he started hiding it more. WE have talked about it as few times and he doesn't think it is bad. When we have these discussions he is as cold as ice. So I back off. I don't want to leave my husband, but I find my self thinking of divorce 2-3 times a week, this is something I have lived with for a long time. I feel weak for not leaving him. If I said get help or I am leaving he would say good-bye. I have a hard time respecting myself for not leaving him. I have no one to talk to this about because they would all wonder why I haven't left him. Do others feel this way? Do you stay if he is unwilling to get help. Now he doesn't even try to hide it. He is on the computer for 3-4 hours a night and then sleeps on the couch. I thought of moving the computer to the bedroom and telling him if he wants to bring someone into our marriage he needs to make sure they are in the right place. He calls me the police.
Been there too long. Afraid to be alone.
Comments
I suggest renting a movie called Fireproof. It changed my husbands outlook on porn, and he finally saw what true pain he was inflicting on me. Peace be with you, there is a better way out there. Your husband can change with the help of Christ.
Hi, Trudy;
Welcome to the forums!! Let me just say that I am so sorry that you are going through this with your husband. I do understand what you are going through, as my husband also indulged in pornography, hiding it at first, then when I caught him, bringing it out like it was no big deal.
I understand the feeling of betrayal, and the frustration.
As far as your situation, I cannot tell you what you should or shouldn't do...that is ultimately up to you. It sounds like part of you wants to leave him, and part of you wants to stay with him.
Is your husband completely unwilling to even think about giving up pornography? You said that whenever you try to talk to him, that he is cold. Does he understand how much he is hurting you, or does he just not care?
One thing I would advise, Trudi, is that you research some of the facts on this site about the porn industry, then hit him with those facts. If he is completely willing to give up pornography, then hit him with the truth about porn -- the diseases, the abuse, the disgusting conditions on the set. Show him every single disgusting thing that you can find about porn, and just hit him with the truth.
More than likely, he is consumed by the fantasy of it all, and isn't aware of the truth behind the fantasy. There is a video on this site about dead porn stars that might knock some sense into him. I can give you the link if you'd like. A lot of guys, when the find out the truth behind the fantasy, are so disgusted by the whole thing that porn for them loses it's lustre. How do you think your husband would react to this?
I'm not sure if you're a Christian or not, but let me just say that I agree 100% with Andrea's post above. God has healed many marriages which seemed otherwise hopeless. There comes a point when our situation is just so dire and out-of-control that all that we have left to do is call upon the Lord....and His word promises that he hears us. My strongest advice would be to just drop it at the Lord's feet, pray without ceasing, and not to lose hope!!!
The Lord loves you, and He wants to heal your marriage. I will be keeping you in prayer. You are not alone in this, my friend. We are here for you, even if you just want to vent. Please continue to keep us posted.
Hugs,
April
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
After posting this I read a lot of other posts. They talked about loving your husband and trusting God. I have felt like I am a coward for not leaving him. I do not tell other people about this because I am sure they would tell me to leave. After hearing what other people had to say I feel better, my prayers and my love maybe the only thing keeping my husband going even if he doesn't always appreciate this. I pray for him but I have little faith that he will change. Right now I am trying to widen my support group so I can live with the reality of my marriage.
Thanks for you help.
Hi
Lots of good stuff here for advise and not sure I can do any better, but what does come to me is to suggest to spend more time with God and just be still in His presence. You may or may not feel anything, but it is not about feeling, but just spending time in a quiet place where you are alone and not distracted by anything including the phone. At that point its not about praying but just sitting with God and thanking Him for His presence.
Here is a fact. None of us can change anyone. We all may want to at times for different reasons, even good reasons, the fact is we all have a free will and that is something God gives each of us. What can change if we are open is to spend time with God to help with the percieved voids or even the voids we have.
In God being in you, your the leader. Ya! Your the leader, not by words or arguing the good cause, but by you being at peace with God and God will deal with the rest, because how it works is if God is for you, who can be against you? Now that doesnt mean that a lightening bolt will come down out of the clouds and zap you or your husband, but what that means is that God will give you peace and rest, just by sitting with Him, not even saying anything, but just sitting and recieving whatever God has for you.
Personally I wouldn't go in any direction unless your physically in harms way (that is something different). I don't suggest anyone sit around for a beating, but if that is not happening and I pray it has not gone in the direction of violence, then as you can, just sit in a quiet place and experience what God has for you.
I or anyone can have good avice, but what we all need to do is learn to be led by His Spirit, because those led by His Spirit are His. God will always meet you half way. All it takes is to reach out and sit and wait and be ok with doing that. He will give you what you need. It does not have to be a certain way to sit and be with God. It's not about rules or anything, but its about intimacy with God and thats something we all like to have and that is what God desires from us as well, because it is all about our relationship with God to start with and once that happens, God opens the doors and leads from there.
Hope and pray that helps. Love to know how you are doing,
Sarah
God does have a plan for everyone and everyone is called to be a part of ministry somewhere. All jobs in ministry are important as it is designed by God to be a servant and save lives. God gave us so much, but how much do we give Him in return?
Trudy;
Just want to let you know that I am praying right beside you. I'm glad to learn that you have a support group that can help you, and that you are not going this alone.
Andrea is absolutely right!! Our God is a God of miracles, and He has restored many marriages that were on the brink of destruction. There is hope, even when things may seem hopeless.
You said that you feel like you are a coward for not leaving him. I'm just wondering what makes you think that. I don't think you're a coward -- just a person who doesn't want to see her marriage end. I don't think this makes you a coward, in fact, you sound like a pretty strong woman to me...just hurting.
Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing. I would really encourage you to seek God with all of your heart, and lean completely on Him. Let Him be your strength. He knows how much you are hurting, and He loves you and wants nothing more than to heal you.
1 Peter 5:7 Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you
Stay strong, and be encouraged!!!
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
http://www.thepinkcross.org/pinkcross-forums/help-wives-porn-and-sex-add...
Check out what she has to say about hope!
Andrea
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
Stay strong Trudy! There IS light at the end of the tunnel. TRUST ME I didn't think there was. At times I didn't even CARE if there was a light at the end of the tunnel. All I wanted was to go a day without him touching me or looking at me.
But God is faithful, he's the glue that can hold ALL of your little pieces of your marriage together. I PROMISE He will see you through. I'll tell you like someone told me over a year ago... Don't stop praying until you get your miracle. DON'T STOP PRAYING UNTIL YOU GET YOUR MIRACLE. He WILL restore your marriage if you cling to Him through this.
With an honest, pure heart,
Andrea
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
I feel your pain. I have been there and know what that sting feels like. You are just exhausted with the whole situation and just don't know what to do, aren't you?
I know it seems bleak right now, but girl, get on your knees and pray DAILY for your husband to be freed from this addiction. Pray over your computer that when he sits down he feels convicted and decides not to browse porn sites. Pray over your entire house and ask for God's protection as you help your husband (even if just behind the scene) fight this horrible addiction. You might be thinking, "Yeah, easy for you to say," but I have been there where you are.
As a matter of fact today is a very special day for me where all of this sexual addiction is concerned. Because I was able to surround myself with strong Christian people, because I constantly had my focus redirected back to Christ and because I constantly searched for him...I am celebrating my 7th wedding anniversary! I am experiencing a miracle today. One year ago, I never would have imagined my husband and I were going to be married, let alone under the same roof again as a family. God is good and he really is faithful. He restored my marriage. We are experiencing blessings right now that we never thought possible. I'm not saying any of this to make you feel bad or make you feel inferior. Exactly the opposite! I want to show you that you CAN beat this! You can stand up against this sexual addiction (SA) that is trying to threaten your family and you can overcome it! And the cool thing is, on the other side of this SA, your marriage will be stronger and your relationship with you husband will be more amazing that you will ever imagine. It's hard to picture it now, I'm sure, but my husband and I are living proof that you can overcome and you can trust the Lord!
Feel free to PM me anytime if you need prayer or if you just have questions. We're all here for you!
Andrea
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member