help
Wed, 06/23/2010 - 18:53
It has been 7 months since my husband looked at porn, but I still doubt his honesty and don't really trust him. I REALLY want to trust him. What is wrong with me?Why can't I get passed this? I need your prayers or else I might ruin my marriage with my distrust.
Comments
Hey there sweetie! Thanks for being so brave to admit that you are having this issue! That's the first step in healing, I believe!
My marriage was also brought to the brink of distruction due to the negitive waves the adult industry sent through my marriage. As Christians, we are called to forgive as many times as forgiveness is asked of us. What does that mean?
Picture this: You are standing with a bookbag on your back. All of the things a person has done to you and against you have all been placed into that bookbag. I belive that forgiveness is taking that bookbag off and walking away from it, never to pull those harmful things out ever again. Does it mean you forget those things, probably not. But it does mean that no matter what, you will not bring those things back up again, you'll never run back to that book bag and open it up for a sniff of the past. You let it lay there on the floor and you never return to it.
Trust is a hard thing to regain. I believe it's something which has to be earned. Everyone has a "trust cup" in their heart for every person she knows. Basically when a person does something that causes your trust in them to increase, a drop of water is put into the cup. When something is done to take that trust away, two drops of water are taken out. See the problem here? If your cup is empty and a person lies to you, they are now in the negative. It takes much more just to get up to empty.
I was given a very helpful piece of advice when my husband and I were going through this: Count your victories. What does that mean? When you ask your husband if he put his dirty clothes in the hamper after a shower and he says yes, follow up with his answer. If he indeed has put his where they belong, allow that to fill up your "trust cup." That way you are able to build your trust in him little by little. It really does start with the small stuff and helps you regain your trust again. Once your "trust cup" gets over a half full, two drops coming out won't affect you nearly as much as when it was empty, you see?
Now, it doesn't happen over night. As a matter of fact, we are now two years past the last episode of pornography usage. The first few months were the most difficult, but it does get easier, month after month.
I'm proud of you for speaking out and reaching for help. I know how it is to be in your shoes. Your marriage is able to be salvaged. My husband went through years of addiction and we are on the other side now. Hang on to God and you WILL make it to the other side! You can rest on that, from one wife to another! Claim your marriage for God's use, believe it, pray over your home and your marriage and you will see God's amazing restoration power!
Andrea
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
Thank you so much for the advice, it has helped. But more than that, it just helps knowing that someone else understands what I am going through!
Dee,
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, sweetie. Your trust was broken and it takes time to repair that damage and regain trust.
Your distrust will not ruin the marriage. You have been hurt and are going through a healing process. Give yourself time to go through this process and know that you have done nothing to cause it.
With God's help, you can do this! God is an AWESOME restorer of broken marriages. Through Jesus, all things are possible to him that believes.
You and your husband are Champions in Christ! You can have a victorious marriage! Keep fighing for it and don't give up!!
GodzPrincess
Pink Cross Forum Admin
Your words are so encouraging. I think what plays on my mind the most is this...He read the book "every mans battle" which was brilliant and shows that he is wanting to get help. I'm very blessed in that regard. But in the book it spoke of, when men turn away from the porn, and mental fantasies and masturbation, then their desire for their wife will increase. But I haven't noticed this, his sex drive is the same as when he was looking, which makes my mind race. He swears he isn't looking and I do believe him, but then why do we have this problem?
Glad to hear it helped. Please know I will be back this afternoon after church to give more of an explination but for now I have to get my family ready for church. I'll be praying for you two this morning.
Andrea
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
Look forward to hearing back from you :)
Would still be interested in what you thought about this. Thank you for all the support :)
At the "Every Man's Battle" conference, they talk about the make up of an addiction, specifically a sexual addition. They compare sexual addiction to being as difficult if not more difficult than kicking heroin. I personally have never had a heroin addiction so I can't say for sure on that personally. This is because sexual addiction feeds off of the way God wired us, men specifically, and because society pushes women (teens, housewives, etc) to dress more revealing (even at church it seems) recovery from such an addiction is VERY intense and takes time. I know that's not really what you wanted to hear but it's true. Think about it, if a person is trying to quit drinking, he is going to stay away from liqour stores, bars, night clubs, and probably social gatherings where he won't be tempted. When does a man get away from triggers. They are EVERYWHERE! TV, magazines (not just porn mags either), walking down the street, and satan's favorite tactic...memory.
Now it would be so easy for a man to latch on to that and say, "Well it's impossible for me to avoid it...I mean that's the way God made me to be attacted to a woman's body." But that's the easy way out. Realizing that he is powerless to overcome this addiction without God's help is really his first step.
One way he can start that process is to take EVERY thought captive. If a lustful memory or thought comes into his head, he needs to pray and ask God to remove it and replace it with something Godly. Another thing he can do is to pray for those whom he lusts over. When a flashback comes of a video or website he could pray for the subject he sees, asking for God to show him the way that He sees her. It's pretty hard to lust after someone when you see her through God's eyes. Those were two bits of advice my husband was given during the toughest time of his recovery.
For you. You CANNOT take his addiction on your shoulders. I understand it affects your relationship, but you cannot go through his recovery for him. He has to take the steps himself. Even the above advice, you can present it to him, but HE has to be the one to take the reigns and run with it. Say it once and just pray pray pray about his ability to latch on to recovery God's way. Fast for your husband. Fast for YOUR strength. If you aren't strong enough, ask people whom you trust to stand in the gap for you and your husband.
Most important thing, DON'T stop praying until you get your miracle of a renewed and refreshed marriage. It WILL happen if you stick with God. He will see you through.
A friend of mine on FB posted a message today that fits your situation and illustrates what I am trying to express to you perfectly. It says: "Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy Psalm 126:5 So keep perservering and do not give up." Memorize that verse and keep it close to your heart. It's a long road, a hard recovery, but it's so worth it when you're on the other side. Trust me, I've been there!
Andrea
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member