Engaged and Confused
Hello. My name is Ashley. I have been engaged to my fiance Tom for 1 year and we have been together for 3 years. I recently have come to the realization that he has an addiction to masterbation and pornography. We have had 2 other times in our relationship that the pornography has been exposed and addressed, and actually caused us to separate for a time. I guess I was in denial then, or just assumed he stopped these behaviors to save our relationship. I have found recently, that this was not the case.
During one occasion, the pornography prompted us to get him an evaluation with a counselor, and he was diagnosed with ADD. He has never been on meds or followed through porperly with treatment. I know that sex addiction is often a symptom of ADD, however, during this third confrontation of the porblem, I found out that he was looking at pornography of young girls/children. I am deeply saddened and disturbed by this and feel torn between my want for him to get better, and my own morals and values.
I am in school to become a midwife, and feel that it is my passion and responsibility in this role to advocate for women and children. You can imagine how deeply I am mourning this situation and how torn I am in my committment to my fiance and my dedication to my profession.
I do not feel that there is anyone in my life I can share this information with, and I am looking for some feedback/guidance. I plan to attend an s-anon meeting, and he has appt. next week with his psychiatrist. I guess I am on the fence as to whether or not I want to stay and help him through this with the hope that our relationship is salvagable, or if I need to leave to protect myself and get relief and support from my family.
Your comments would be appreciated.
If your fiance is looking at child pornography then that is much more serious as he is running the risk of arrest, imprisonment, losing his job and total disgrace. If he does'nt realise this then somehow he has to be confronted with it. I have no expertise and can't offer you any advice but you have done one right thing by joining this site and you will find support and sympathy here. i hope you will find the strength to get through this difficult time.
I did confront him, and told him this was illegal and he could go to jail. So the confrontation is done, and I told him what I need from him to show me that he is actively trying to get better (seeking medication for ADD and counseling, as well as going to church with me every sunday), but it just seems that he's not interested in doing the work. I had to make his psychiatrist appt and beg to go church with me last sunday (although he did go). He tells me he wants to change, but doesn't show me he wants to change. To me, his words mean nothing. Our trust has been broken again and again over the years that I can't believe one word he says.
Anyway, I am going to try some counseling for myself this week, and I am considering going to stay with my parents to get some space.
Hello, Ash;
Welcome to the boards.
Phoenix is right....Porn is bad enough, but child pornography is a very serious thing, and this sounds like a huge red flag to me. You do not want to marry someone who has a porn addiction, let alone child porn. That is much, much worse!!!
Since you 2 are not married yet, I would definitely hold off on marrying him until he proves to you that he is willing to get help. I am not saying that you need to leave him at this point, but you also don't want to go into a marriage with this kind of an issue.
He may want to change, but until he takes appropriate steps to do so, then it really means very little. Think of this as God's way of warning you. I know that He would not want you to marry someone who views child pornography.
I think it's a very good idea to stay with your parents. Do not continue living with him. He is going to have to make some major changes, and you do not want to be caught in the middle.
Ash -- I am so sorry that this is going on with you. Even so, the Lord loves, you and wants what is best for you. Marrying this man right now would only make things worse. Tell him that you love him, but unless he is willing to get help, and serious changes are made, then you cannot marry him.
Above all things, PRAY PRAY PRAY!!! Ask the Lord if He even wants you to remain with this man. This may be God's way of showing you that this is not the man for you.
Please continue to post, and let us know how things turn out. I will be praying for you.
April
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
Are you seeking God's Will or?
Here is what is important, those led by the Spirit of God are the sons/daughters of God.
Granted, your life is your life and you have been given a free will to do whatever, however I can testify to the fact that not being in God's will and not seeking God's will, was not only very painful for me, but also very destructive. I can also tell you that the only time I have any joy or peace and love is to be in God's will.
Having said all that, was it God's will for your bf to be in your life and is it God's will you end up with Him. If so then it becomes a question of how to fix it.
Now the other side of the coin is for a person like myself, which I or anyone either helps to send you to the path of God or send you in another direction which would not be good for you or me, because if we send someone in the wrong direction, we get to be responsible for the person.
What is important is your life and you either going your own path or God's.
Sarah
God does have a plan for everyone and everyone is called to be a part of ministry somewhere. All jobs in ministry are important as it is designed by God to be a servant and save lives. God gave us so much, but how much do we give Him in return?
Believe me, this is where I struggle the most. I believe very much that God has a plan for me. I ask Him daily to guide me and help me to live confidently in the path He has for me. I ask for wisdom in my decisions. I believe that He will give me a clear sign as to whether staying with my fiance is His will or not. Right now, I feel as though I am more tuned in to listening and watching for God, while I am in self preservation mode. I am talking a lot to God and trying to take care of myself too. I am listening for whether or not I should continue to love, accept, and encourage my fiance to get through this and not abandon him when he needs the support, OR if I should make peace with this relationship and let it go. I believe it will be clear. Meanwhile, I am going to see a counselor tomorrow, and Tom is supposed to see one next week. I hope to continue to be built up and get stronger and more confident so I can be strong in whichever decision is made.
Please pray for me. Thank you.
Thanks for the response. One never knows who they meet in here which is why I asked the questions about your desire for God's will to be done. The following is what I see and believe and cannot speak for you or anyone, but just tell you what comes to me.
Proverbs 3:5 tells us that we are to trust in the Lord with all of our hearts, which I am sure you know. For me with big decisions or things, I wait until its obvious to almost anyone that I go right or left. I do it that way because in my life I know I can't do without God and know that there is nothing good in me except for Him so I definately want to know what directions to go in life. I do pray the Lord's prayer to start with in the morning with the concept that I want His will done in my life and then talk to Him much of the day.
So here is the next part which is trusting that your in God's hands and not moving to the left or right until you are sure what God wants you to do and often it is a test to see if we will go out on our own or not. You standing and waiting may be a test not only for you, but also you seeking godly advice and who knows maybe its a test for me or anyone else on here. It is often a trickle affect. It is all about us all walking together in life seeking God of course and also seeking godly counsel which is exactly what you are doing, Praise God. Be comforted that at least from what I see you desire God's will in your life, which is a celebration even though you may not be sure what your doing and I find that is normal and many times we don't know what we are doing and need to step back some to make sure we are in God's will. I say that with respect, because at times I have moved forward not being sure and that was the WRONG thing for me to do and I PRAY I have learned that lesson. (Sometimes I wonder)
Me personally I would not move left or right until I knew for sure which way to go. Honestly my prayer often is "please God make it obvious to even and idiot which way I am to go," as I figure I fit in there somewhere.
Maybe this was all about your reaching out and walking with people here. Who knows and if that is the case I am always open to whatever God wants, but I know He wants love and unity. He doesn't always get what He wants from everyone, but I have learned it is the best way to go and happy to walk with if you desire and always open to giving you whatever comes to me as I ask God for what to say.
I know it is a big thing in your life and am just trying to encourage and exhort you to seek God for His plan which also has a lot to do with what you are called by God to do in life. Ask what is your purpose or calling and seek God for the gifts He has given you and then start walking in that purpose and using the gifts because that is how our spiritual muscles grow, by walking in what we are called to do.
Either way know that I care and love you and am happy you are seeking God. Anytime you want feel free to send me a PM or email me if you want.
Sarah
God does have a plan for everyone and everyone is called to be a part of ministry somewhere. All jobs in ministry are important as it is designed by God to be a servant and save lives. God gave us so much, but how much do we give Him in return?
Well I found my answer. I am leaving. This morning, I found out that he was searching on youTube to find inappropriate videos of young girls. I found this in spite of the Parental Controls set on the computer and all the times this week he's told me he wants to change. I was furious, especially since I thought we were making positive changes in the right direction. I confronted him, he admitted to it, and I told him that the engagement was off and that I was leaving. I said a few more things (I was really angry), packed up, and am now staying at my parents house. When the dust settles I will make arrangements to move out of our apartment.
I was shocked that even throughout this ordeal, he was still willing to risk it all for a thrill on the computer. I know that there is someone better out there for me who will value me and respect our relationship enough to deny satan's temptations towards pornography. I am willing now to do what it takes to take care of myself and get in a right place with myself and God. I want to feel better. I have had a rough 3 years.
Prayers and thoughts are appreciated.
Woefully,
Ashley
Ash;
I understand how heartbroken you must be, but I definitely feel that you made the right decision. You cannot marry into this kind of a situation...this is definitely not what the Lord has for you. I understand that this was not an easy decision to make, but I also know that God will honor you for your strength.
Right now, you just need to devote yourself to seeking the Lord and drawing closer to Him, and figuring out His plan for your life. God does have someone else out there for you...just not this particular man, at this particular time.
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
I just wanted to say, you made a very brave and very smart decision.
We women (and our children and future children) are made for so much more than that.
I hope to not sound nosy, but I'm interested in how you're doing, so if you haven't already done so would you mind just dropping a quick line and letting us know how you've been since?
Love and peace to you!
Gina
I would also be intrested in knowing how you are doing. If you should read this, please let us know.
I hope that you are doing well.
Love and blessings
April
Beloved Branch
Moderator/Admin
Pink Cross Forums
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies