Control or Trust?
My husband has had an on/off struggle with pornography for our whole marraige. After the first discovery I insisted on being beside him at all times when he was surfing the net. Later I insisted on putting on net filters. I got rid of any mildly suggestive advertisements or catelogs that came in the mail before they entered the house. I guess I thought I could kill the appetite if there was no sight or smell of the food, so to speak. However, when I was out of town or he was out of town...porn was still a factor. Even the cell phone has been used for porn downloads. Now my husband needs a laptop for work and is shopping for one. His business takes him away from me for weeks at a time. I can't help but think the obvious. I am so tired of not trusting him and believing the best about him....all it does is make me accuse him in my mind and withdraw from him. what are some healthy boundries? I don't want to be a control freak anymore!!!
Comments
Good morning Beloved One, I saw this thread, I love how the ladies are so encouraging. How are you now in this process and journey? I would love to hear from you.
Mrs. Eden
Thank you for bumping up this thread, Mrs. Eden. I notice that this was posted a little over a year ago. I would be curious, too, how things are going.
Beloved Branch
Moderator/Admin
Pink Cross Forums
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
Hi, beloved-one;
Welcome to the boards.
Yes, obviously, you cannot be with your husband at all times, so there will come a time when you will need to just trust him. Even so, he will have to earn that trust by staying away from porn. You say that he has had an on again/off again struggle with porn...Is he struggling right now? You say that the cell phone has been used for porn downloads...was that recently, or in the past?
I am just trying to get some background so that I understand your situation better. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand how hard it is to deal with this sort of thing, but you cannot continue living in fear. This is not what the Lord wants for you.
The absolute best thing that you can do is pray. Pray for your husband, and pray for God to give you a peace about the situation. If you are afraid that your husband is going to go back to looking at porn, pray every day that God puts a conviction on his heart, then trust that the Lord will do that. Also, let your husband know that you will be praying for him while he is gone. This might put some sort of conviction on his heart, also.
Whatever you do, don't get discouraged, and don't give up!! The Bible says that the fervent prayers of a righteous man (and woman) avail much. God has healed a lot of men from pornographic and sexual addiction, and He can certainly heal your husband, as well, and can make your marriage stronger in the process.
Just don't allow suspicion and mistrust to overwhelm you, especially if your husband isn't struggling right now. If he knows that you are suspicious, that will cause even more problems, and may make him resentful, especially if he is doing his best to win your trust back. Just make an effort to trust him, unless he gives you a valid reason not to trust.
If you want to talk, feel free to PM me anytime. Praying for you!!
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
In reply to your question, the cell phone downloads were recent. I don't know if it was the first time or not. He doesn't openly tell me when he is struggling, I just sense it and ask him and then he'll tell me. I don't know what the root of his struggle is...whether it is stress, or feeling inadequet or lonely. He's told me that it usually starts with "being curious". I don't buy that as the root honestly but more as the excuse to just peek. I don't believe its something he is really willing to let go of yet. And that is what I am trying to come to terms with. I really thought I could change him. I thought being a better wife, a better lover would help....and then I thought shaming him and making sure he knew he was hurting me would help. I realize now that it's his thing to own. I'm tired of being the naggy, angry , depressed wife. I don't even like or recognize myself anymore.
The trick for me is learning how to let go without giving up and shutting off my heart.
My husband seems to think there isn't a man who doesn't struggle, single or married. I'd like to believe that Christ's death and life are able to empower us to live victoriously. My demon is FEAR and I want to live free of fear. I want to walk in a place of rest,trust and courage.
Thanks for the great insight, Sarah! That is so absolutely true...the best thing you can do is give it to God, and I'm so glad to hear that is what you are doing. That is a HUGE step.
I know that it's discouraging right now, but don't give up hope. God has healed many marriages from the destruction of porn, and He is more than able to restore yours.
Just continue trusting the Lord, and praying for your husband. Your husband is wrong when he says that all men struggle. God is able to lay conviction on his heart, as well...just continue praying. Do you have any women at your church that you can counsel with? You should probably get some support to help you deal with your feelings.
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
Lets try another approach,,,,,,What I am hearing is you are doing most of the doing. Here is my suggestion if you are tired of it all, which is to give it to Jesus as we are to cast our cares upon Him because He cares for you, but also so He can do something about it. SO my suggestion is to release your husband to Jesus and the Holy Spirit and step back and work on your relationship with God and seek what God has for you and your husband.
It is a work in progres, but here is the promise, if you go in the direction God has for you, then He will equip and empower you to go in that direction. The other benefit is then you enter covenant promises and what that means is God will deal with your husband one way or the other.
It's up to you, but by faith you should tell your husband what you are going to do and that you don't know how to deal with it any longer. What you will see is God move, but God will move in such a way to draw your husband closer to Him and perhaps even make your husband totally dependant on God.
The only way I know how to live in that peace you are talking about is to allow Him to be your shield and buckler. That doesn't mean the battle stops, but it does mean that He will protect you as long as you do not get in the battle.
Also praying bring increase. So if you pray and that is a good thing pray things like a better direction for him or that Your husband spend more time with God, then after you have done that speak it to him as it comes up, that the answer is for him to seek God and spend time with God. Prayers such as getting one to stop something doesn't work because people still have a free will, but prayers that are given to help a person find God's plan or spend time with God, is a prayer based on what is good for your husband.
Would like to hear how you are doing with all of this, feel free to PM me if you want. I know it is difficult, but have faith in God to move in your behalf.
Sarah
God does have a plan for everyone and everyone is called to be a part of ministry somewhere. All jobs in ministry are important as it is designed by God to be a servant and save lives. God gave us so much, but how much do we give Him in return?
Thankyou for your encouragement. Every time my husband calls home and I have been tempted to allow jealousy/mistrust to arise I have been placing my heart in God's hands and I am finding a new passion to pray blessings over him and pray for his good. Baby steps...