Tell my wife?
Hi All,
I need your wisdom and experience.
I have been using porn since I was about 8 years old, and have been addicted to it probably since the beginning. I am happily married, but I know that this is cheating my wife (and cheating on my wife). We have been married 23 years and have two great kids. I don't want to lose what I have trying to fix things. You can assume that I have gotten very good at hiding it and could go indefinitely without her knowing.
The problem is that I am not sure I can as easily hide the recovery process. The meetings. The chats. And to cover, I have to lie to her, or at least gloss the truth. I don't want to do that.
Sooo.... what do I do about telling my loving wonderful wife who has walked with me through many hardships for a quarter of a century that I am in a recovery program for a porn addiction?
Thoughts?
James
Comments
The last week has been very hard. I have learned a lot about myself and my past that has been very painful to discover, including that I was sexually abused as a child.
I have joined SLAA and SAA, and think I have found a potential SAA sponsor. I have spent hours upon hours in their chat rooms, and in heart to heart discussions to understand myself. I am becoming aware that things are more messed up than I thought. But there is hope.
I did tell my wife. I did not give details, but I did tell her in broadstrokes everything. She responded incredibly supportive. I am glad I have the best wife in the world.
And I am now coming on 10 days sober.
Thanks all,
James
You did the right thing by telling her. I did the same, without all the goary details and got an awesome response too. You and I have a great deal in common, I have been clean for almost 9 months now and know where your heading. You are on the right road now so enjoy the ride brother. You sound like a great man and have been in bondage way to long, you deserve great things and they are heading your way. We have the best acountabilty partners whom we love very much, now that we know the truth we must never betray them again. Please share the good news, experiences and blessings along the way. The good news helps us all and re-assures that we are in the right place.
God Bless and Congratulations!!!
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"A fight is not won by one punch, either learn to endure or hire a bodyguard" Bruce Lee
yeah I agree with every thing here Im so glad you told her. Not an easy choice but she responded well with Love. The bible says when you confess your sins you will be healed, healing can come to you but it can be a slow process. I always think that when I confessed my sins it was a great feeling and I was able to start to move forward. Let us know how you keep getting on.
Underoath
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
James your question is one that all of us who are married have struggled over. I would suggest that, ultimately, pornography addiction is not about porn or sex - it is about intimacy. A short definition of intimacy is, "I give you the keys to my self-destruction and you and turn use them for my good."
Pornography has become a crutch for many people because it is false intimacy. I can choose the where and when and I will not be refused. Real realtionships are built on real intimacy.
I would encourage you to be open to sharing this painful truth about yourself with your wife. I am not just speaking from some place of cold judgment. I am speaking from a place of experience.
But before you do this make sure you are ready to be open and honest about everything. Don't use the Chinese water torture method of a little drip of truth here and a little later. That is devastating for a relationship and can bring about serious consequences.
I would also encourage you to be prepared with a strong recovery plan. Write me a private request if you would like more detailed information on this. I would suggest that the forums are a good part of your recovery process but not enough. You need an army around you right now and you will need to ask yourself "what am I willing to die for?"
If you are willing to die for freedom then arm yourself with prayer, healthy supportive realtionships, support for your spouse and go for the truth and never look back. It will be the best thing you ever did.
Eric Greer