Still struggling
You know, ever since I first found this place, and it because a real source of encouragement to me and my struggle to break this addiction, I have made it a point to be here often. I have tried to read every post, and to comment and encourage whenever I feel it appropriate.
But even in the midst of the encouragement, in case anyone reading what I'm writing leads you to believe that I've got it all together, that's far from the truth. The last couple days have been really tough. I've been clean for over a month now, and the first couple weeks were actually pretty easy, because the elation of being free occupied my mind all the time. But now that initial excitement has worn off, and I think now is when the real test begins.
I feel like I'm under constant attack. I'm self employed and I work alone. And no matter what I'm doing or what's around me, I feel under attack. You know what I think it is? It's a realization that this thing I used to do, that used to give me a temporary rush and escape is gone. It's probably like an alcoholic realizing that he will never get to be in a bar again. No more parties with friends. No more warm feeling that washes away reality for a while. From now on, it's all reality.
And I feel like the drunk has it easier than I do. For him, all he has to do when he's tempted is not drink. For me, I can't even WANT to drink. Even entertaining the temptation in my mind is failure, and the mental struggle is far more arduous than I had first imagined.
I am now realizing what a large part of my brain has lived in a fantasy. And during those times of fantasy you really like it. I feel like I've spend my whole life building a wing onto my house where I could go and indulge my every desire. And now I've walked out and closed that door for the last time, and in a way, it makes me sad.
I now have a real relationship with God and we can talk to each other without this getting in the way. But that evil me inside, still cries out for his thrill, and the hungrier he gets, the more he cries.
Jesus said if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out, and the same with a hand. But how do you eviscerate your mind? Have a lobotomy? How do you take that part of your mind that has been trained by you over years (decades in my case) to respond a certain way, and tell it that you no longer want to hear from it?
I want to let you all know that your presence here and the honor in sharing in your struggle means more than you know. But I need to share my struggles when they happen, just to return the favor.
Please pray for me.
Comments
You should spend some time here.http://www.lifechurch.tv/message-archive/ after you have listen to this man http://www.lifechurch.tv/message-archive/watch/my-secret/3
Before anything read Rom 12:1-2
It takes time renew your mind. So take charge of what you let in to it.
God bless. :-)
Healing Thankyou again. You have been a brother to me the past week or so, and eventhough it has been rocky and I am still fighting the fight, be encouraged because God is using you and your actions and commitment has spurred me too. I will continue to pray for you as you have done for me. The road is long and I am begining to realize this but I think we will find it is well worth it. God will use us and these exsperiences for good as Romans 8:28 promises us, for those who love God, and you sir are someone whom the Lord is using. Keep fighting the good fight the Lord is at your side. (>@) -Ace
Healing: "God deems us worthy to struggle, and we do not have to be good, and we do not have to be free from temptation, but we have to resist." Firstly, I totally agree with this! Last time, I always focus on not being tempted (which is a wrong thing to do). I used to think when I'm tempted in my MIND, I'm already sinning, so I might as well go all the way and act out (giving myself an excuse to 'M-ing' in the process, which is basically adding even more sin to myself). But Jesus (who was sinless) was tempted by the devil three times in the desert, and he was sinless. That means temptation does not make us sin! But giving in to tempation does (paraphrase: giving in to temptation is sinful). So fight the temptation, brother, STARVE THE SUMO!!! Sin does not have any right to our precious life.
The second thing I'd like to say is that churches nowadays preach very little on struggling. I don't know what church you come from, but you should really thank God if you church still preaches struggling every other week. It is indeed a blessing for us to share in Jesus's suffering. Now this statement may be deemed stupid in our present culture. The present time advocates pleasure, comfort etc through consumerism, new age meditation & relaxation etc (which is very very subtle), but Christianity which is Truth teaches us to struggle with Christ even until today. To say that struggling is needless is to deny Christ which calls us to bear His cross daily. To be very explicit about this, even 'Christian' songs nowadays distort pure Biblical teaching that one would label those songs shallow or even unBiblical!
Thirdly, should you think your church doesn't preach what it is supposed to preach (e.g. struggling for the sake of Christ), but week after week it preaches blessings after blessings, then I suggest you pray to God and ask for directions (whether be it to speak to someone senior whom you know closely or find a new fellowship). Don't get me wrong, I'm not against preaching blessing, but if that is the only thing your church preaches, then you might want to think otherwise. I moved church 3 times when I started out because their teachings weren't sound, but again that's me..
CaptainAmerica: Pardon my direct honesty, I feel it's good to know that the Lord is using us for His purposes. But apart from that, we have to go a step forward, let us NOT turn our mind inward to see what good deeds we have done and use 'good deeds' reason to encourage others and build our self-worth. Think about this: if you build your self-worth from your action, the next time you masturbate or think dirty thoughts, won't that reduce your self-worth? But instead, Christ has died for us ONCE for the atonement of our sin and it is already perfect in and of itself. So our 'good deeds' is gospel 'plus'. Subtle huh? But I sincerely hope you would see this more as a doctrinal misunderstanding and not be personally offended. And I hope we would sharpen one another in this forum! (If I make any doctrinal mistake, let me know!)
God bless both of you.
Healing, I just would like to thank God for such a brother as you. You don't know how much the presence of a good brother like you in this forum help me (and the rest) in ways that you could not fathom before! As I receive your encouragement, I remember the words of Paul who tells us to encourage one another as brothers in Christ.
Even as I read your sentence "And I feel like the drunk has it easier than I do", I pray that you rest your weary soul in God.
Renewal of the mind: These verses in Ephesians 4 struck a chord at me " 17So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their THINKING. 18They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to SENSUALITY so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more. "
You need to strive for the renewal of the mind, brother, for as you are "clean" for one month in 'acting out' (e.g. masturbating), I believe you most probably have not been free from 'acting in' (thinking dirty thoughts, depressed etc).
I have been free from acting out for 16 days now, and I feel elated too, sure. But I'm also tempted in my MIND many times throughout these 16 days. I would ask God for forgiveness and I believe He will give us that perfect pure loving forgiveness if we truly seek after Him. And I also believe God will rescue you from sin in this lifetimes, just as He will be our salvation from eternal hell.
Remember brother, you have been doing a good job in this forum. But don't rely on good works alone. Because even our best works are not untainted, and is nothing compared to the true holiness of His character.
Running away vs. running towards: There's a constant want to run away from sex/porn addiction. That only results in sexual sobriety. That alone is not enough! We have to run away from that addiction, but run towards God who is the giver of life, lover of our soul.
Lastly, remember, STARVE THE SUMO!!!! Don't let the sinful sumo build up inside you! STARVE THE SUMO!!! For in Jesus's name, sin has not a single right to take control of our life, which has already been rightfully bought by Jesus himself on the cross!
Run towards Him with complete abandon and rely upon Him for his love, salvation and healing! I prayed you Healing and I hope you stay accountable in this forum after this ordeal.
Anyway play some Christian songs to attune your right brain (the artsy side) the right way. I always do that when I'm tempted at home - I'm unemployed, actively seeking job - so spend most of my time at home nowadays:
"O Love that will not let me go!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sykrVzp2vPg&feature=related
O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.
O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.
O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.
O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.
God bless you, Healing!
Thanks, buddy. I think it's easier to bear another's burden than your own sometimes. Thank you for being there for me and for the rest of us.
Like you said, it's not enough to be clean of body, we must be clean of mind and spirit, and I don't think I can do that alone - I know I can't. I came across a verse yesterday that helped me out a lot.
http://www.thepinkcross.org/pinkcross-forums/general-discussion/a-remind...
The short version is here:
"There's far more to this life than trusting in Christ. There's also suffering for him. And the suffering is as much a gift as the trusting. You're involved in the same kind of struggle you saw me go through, on which you are now getting an updated report in this letter." (Phil 1)
It reminded me that our struggle is not an accident but a promise. God deems us worthy to struggle, and we do not have to be good, and we do not have to be free from temptation, but we have to resist.
A friend of mine who quit smoking over 10 years ago, says that he only gets the urge for a cigarette about once a week now. I said, "Once a week - still after 10 years, once a week you get tempted?!" It helps me realize that I am very early in this process, and it will probably last my lifetime. It will never go away, though I pray it will diminish.
I know that I must just remain faithful and continue to believe that God is using this for His ultimate glory.
Thanks again Manz. Two are better than one....