overwhelmed with shame
I am trying to surrender to God the overwhelming fear I feel as I go through each day.All my life it has been lust that has helped me cope.Hiding in shame.I never really allowed the love of God into my heart I have always been too ashamed of myself than when I discovered masturbation and porn I felt I did not need God because I had this other comforting intoxicating god lust to give me comfort.Than I became religious and I still could not allow God into my heart because I was so ashamed of myself.
It is really sad to see how Christianity has helped foster this shame identity that keeps me bound to a lie.I see how sex addicts take religion and turn it into a prison of shame and guilt.Shame and guilt translates for the sex addict that if I am bad then God will not love me therefore going back into lust,porn and masturbation are the only way one can feel good.
It is a viscous cycle of acting out,guilt ,shame, hopelessness ,fear,despair praying to the God of Hell Fire gloom and doom and running right back into my disease.
I need to believe God will love me as I am not when I become this holy roller christian.I am a victim of my own sick thinking and when sick thinking takes on religious overtones it is still sick thinking!For example the control freak who thinks that he can bargain with God,or the scrupulous moralist who believes he has to morally perfect before God will love him,the back slider who presumes God will forgive him no matter what....all products of sick thinking and sick thinking keeps addicts bound to their addictions that in turn becomes their god.
The only thing that makes sense to me is a complete surrender to a power greater than the power of the addiction.The power of the addiction meaning the power of guilt ,lust ,shame ,dishonesty selfishness,idols,greed,jealousies...it is this God that I need to discover somewhere buried beneath all the bible thumping,sick thinking theology of the God of terror.I need to find a loving God a God who believes in and loves the suffering sex addict and accepts him as he is in his hurt and pain.
Comments
Your salvation is not determined by your success in battling your addictions. God sees to your heart... Holiness and sanctification is not a requirement in itself for salvation, but it is a striving you should have as a Christian throughout your life. Repenting from sin does not mean you are only accepted when you have not recently fallen, it about the direction you are walking. When you fall, run back to the cross and you'll be all the way back again...
But I do recommend that you see a pastor or good spiritual mentor about this... Not because it's hindering your salvation as such, but because God wants to loose your chains from your neck. It's also obviously to some extent hindering your ability to enjoy many of the things God has for you.
Jesus loves you!
/Peter
Lighterman, We will NEVER be perfect BUT God still loves us. Yes it is sad that christians do that, to them I quote Psalm 25:2,3
In you I trust,O my God. Do not let me be put to shame,nor
let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who
are treacherous without excuse (NIV)
If God only loves us when we FEEL good or are perfect, Heaven would be a an empty place. Hope this helps. Praying for you brother. God bless.
In Christ's Love
Doug
Here I am Doug hanging by a thread and it is helping me to see the little miracles unfolding along this pain filled process of giving up lust.I really had a sense that God is intervening in our marriage.Considering one week ago it was what I in my shame /despair fog I thought this is it it has happened I have destroyed the one thing in my life that is keeping me alive on the inside ,being married.Little ways God is showing me that I am not alone in this struggle and I was told tonight by some one who has not fallen for thirteen months that if I keep on this path of surrender I WILL SEE MIRACLES.
I have not had any contact with any one on my mothers side of the family for forty years,I got a call from a cousin who some how found me.It is just another way Gods love is being manifest in my life.To see pictures of my mother not the crazy alcoholic I remember,to begin to discover the women that was my late mother is healing for me.
AS I grieve and let go I am also able to let go of lust,.THANK YOU JESUS.
Oh my friend... that is Kingdom talk.
May Jesus be the foundation for your surrender. 'For no one can lay a foundation other than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. (1 Cor. 3:11)
May Jesus be the foundation upon which your marriage is restored.
May Jesus be the foundation upon which each moment of your recovery and healing is laid down in surrender.
It's inspiring Lighterman...
His Grace and Mercy are gifts... We love you... no matter what...
Happy Thanksgiving,
Chadwick
Pink Cross Moderator
I already celebrated thanksgiving,I am from Montreal,I heard Shelley came to Montreal.It is early in the morning and I am up to no good.I fell back into the insanity last night after a valiant effort.I guess you could say I am back on the porn bottle.
I had a tough day.However I learned in my therapy session that I need to take charge of my feelings.I am a person who worries ,panics,reacts with anger ,fear, resentment,lost inside my head in a fog of despair.I can see how all my life I have allowed child hood feeling to rule my heart.As if I am still a child but I am not a child I am a man,yet I react to life like a child,I was traumatized and I keep reliving the trauma every time I get afraid and I run and hide.Lust is one of many hiding places I have used over the years to deal with my feelings.
I need to learn to be a father,a loving father to this scared little boy, it is so hard to change,I need to learn how to love and take of myself ie.reparent myself.
I learned today that as an addict I am not gentle with myself.I expect I should be perfect I am really hard on myself.Its not good.I guess I learned many poor parenting skills in my childhood.
I need to learn and practice new skills.
Thanks my friend for getting back to me,I need as i am sure you do also need to know that are you loved and some one is listening and praying for you.-God bless you.I love you too.
Brother, there is no shame to be had.
Jesus loves you SO MUCH he got up there and died in your place.
Hold your head up and know you are loved, then live a better way!