Nothing left to give her.
I debated doing things here at Pinkcross because I am not as well spoken as most people here anyhow here goes:
We tried to have a date night I guess it was two nights ago now Tuesday night. Anyhow it was nothing short of an epic failure. We started fighting about absolutely nothing, the date was put off we watched a cool movie, but then went to bed.
This was supposed to be making up for "Valentines Day" needless to say, it didn't. I still should find a way to make amends for our anniversary too, but its going to get to the point we've been married two years by the time I come up with something.
Because I have compared her sexually to women I've been with in real life and the ones in porn (yes, I compared her 'performance' to the women in porn) she had asked me (demanded?) that I come up with something that is "just ours" where there can be no comparison. I can't come up with anything. I am so mad at myself. She said I was like a "used up old whore that had done it all" (when she found out about the porn two months ago) I saved nothing for my wife I have nothing for her.
I am changing, I don't want to watch porn. When we go out, I go so far as to walk behind my wife so if I am even tempted to look up it's at her figure I look at.
But since I've been changing things have gotten worse and it boils down to I don't understand what to do. I have apologized on the forum to the porn actresses, I have donated to the womens shelter and apologized to my wife. I have done everything so far I have felt moved to do by God but I am still losing her.
Everyone says be patient, everyone says "in God's time" but I'm telling you, it's like she and I don't know eachother. Once we were courting I stopped watching porn. Two years (once we admitted we were more than "friends") I stopped watching/masturbating. I was very busy taking care of family then and didn't have time but I wanted to be as pure for her as I could be. We waited until we were married. We made a decision to try to do it God's way as best we can.
Then my past, and who I lost my virginity to (porn) came back.
I am up now, only because we are having another big fight, this one has been going for about a week now.
Comments
I know that this is the hardest thing you've ever done, and I can't tell you what an encouragement you are to me.
Your wife said in another post that you have been clean for 2 months, but that this has happened before and after 2 months, you relapse, and she is expecting you to relapse. Go 3 months, 4 months, 6 months, and she wil start to see that this time is different.
I read something great in a book a couple days ago. The book is "a tale of Two Sons" by John Macarthur - it's about the prodigal son. Anyway, he says that there's a big difference between remorse and repentance. Remorse you just feel really bad, you feel sorry, but there's no change. Repentance is when you make that u-turn and change. He made the observation that when someone is remorseful, they will run from the person they have offended. You want to be away from them. But when you are truly repentant, you will crawl, even run back to the person you've offended, just as the prodigal finally did with his father. Your wife needs to see you persuing her and running after her, not slinking away.
D needs to see you looking at her when she's not looking at you. She needs to catch you checking her out. She needs to see you looking at her in the eyes and saying "i love you." And it doesn't matter that you saw the Fireproof movie together. It won't matter if she knows you're getting ideas from a book. She needs to see you're a changed man and that you are willing to fight for her.
I think she's still cautious that this may ba a phase. You have to realize that she is putting her heart on the line to be crushed once again shen she decides to give you another chance, and that idea scares her to death. There's a big part of her that says, "never again" because it hurts too much. But you're the man. She has referred to you as her knight in shining armor, and you need to be that guy on the horse. Even when it's hard, you need do what you need to do with all your heart - putting your own heart on the chopping block. And when she spurns your advances, and you feel crushed, you need to get back on your horse and ride after her again. She may need to see that you can take as much heartbreak as she did before she'll give you a chance.
Keep it up brother. Winning back the heart of your wife will be the greatest thing you can accomplish on this earth, but it will be worth more than anything else.
You both have a lot of people praying for you both...
I thought of this today while reading my Bible. I thought this might help....
"Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the Church." How does Christ love the Chruch? "He demonstrated His own love toward us in that while we were still sinning, Christ died for us."
Approach you wife with two things in mind. First, that you need to love her first, before she begins to return that love. Second, you love your wife not for what she does, what she looks like, or how she behaves. You love her because She is to be as valuable to you as you are to your Lord. You love her on behalf of Jesus. So your love for her is not for her, it is for Christ. You in return for your unearned love, love your wife as an act of thankfulness toward your God.
Several weeks ago, I told my wife that this new life I have, the new direction, my new focus, was not done for her. She was kinda hurt at first and I'm sure I could have worded it differently, but it needed to be said, because I needed her to understand. I told her, "I am not doing this for you, I am doing it for Jesus. Of course I love you and of course I want to make you happy, but this change is not for you, it is for Him." I explained that if I do it for her, then my actions are only as solid as the current state of our relationship. If we get in a fight, or she pisses me off, and I am only doing this for her, then I can very quickly change back into the old me. But if I am doing this for God, and for His glory, then nothing my wife can do can affect my commitment to a life of purity.
You wife wants to be sought after and fought for, but if you make it clear that you are doing so on behalf of someone greater than either of you, she is far more likely to see the sincerity in your actions, and see that they are permanent.
Keep it up...
I get a lot from your posts I actually printed what all you wrote because it's too much to take in.
Since D knows I like to play games, I am playing on PS2 and systems where it isn't internet my other hobbies are outside and the weather hasn't been good enough for that. so i am thankful because sitting in the room reading all day is kind of gloomy and I've been sleeping a lot when I'm not goign to work.
But I will pray for you and your family Healing. May you be that knight or mighty warrior too.
Here's the only thing I can offer: we are supposed to love our wives as Christ loves his church. When Jesus comes back (revelations) to claim his bride, he is going to be the Lamb and the Lion, He is coming in on a white horse, with a multitude of angels and wielding a two-edged sword of TRUTH. He is coming to reclaim his bride, warrior style.
If I/we/husbands can really emulate his love? it'd be huge. not really of course, but with that kind of dedication/love/etc.
thanks for your ideas and prayers guys D won't even look up to look me in the eyes right now.
Healing good words choice
"Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the Church." How does Christ love the Chruch? "He demonstrated His own love toward us in that while we were still sinning, Christ died for us."
Christ isn't fickle when it comes to his church, as we shouldn't be to our wives.
absolutely no experience on relationships....the ones that might have been i just ended it because i felt there was no connection other than just appearance...then after a week i didnt even see the point any more.....one thing i could say is keep trying to do your very best dont lose any hope...what else can you do???attempt at looking deeper in yourself you know...like how you couldnt find an answer to her question...im willing to bet upon further dealing with you inner faults you will find other stuff and change it....act upon it and she may notice...i think if things are tense its best to let her be mad get out all that hurt she seems to have.....i hope you dont lose her for good...oh and everyday keep killing your past
Time and consistency.
It's going to take a long time and a lot of work to bridge this gap.
I suspect, unless she's completely coldhearted, that she knows you've repented. Now she might just be trying to figure out how to deal with it. It sounds like theres a lot of anger there(and justifiably so). Now it's just about getting up every single day and showing your love, even on the days when the feelings might not be there.
You might want to have a look at http://thelovedarebook.com/
And when she lashes out in anger, respond with kindness. That'll change things tremendously.
Hang in there. Were pulling for you.
Diogenese
the love dare.
that goes along with fireproof which we watched together, I thought about just getting the book and doing it. But I also figured since we just watched Fireproof, she'd catch on and perhaps it'd be less effective?
Thanks I appreciate prayers and ideas.