(New to forum) Hidden nature of sex addiction!
Hi all! It's glad to know there are forums like this to share my burden. Since you know why I'm here, here goes my story - please pray for me:
I got into the habit of watching porn and acting out at the age of 15. Thereafter, I started visiting bars and extra-service massage parlours at 19 (due to peer pressure) but stopped going completely a few months after as because I felt physically "dirty" after doing it (not to mention the risk of STDs) as well as feeling extremely guilty and ashamed of myself. I accepted Christ at the age of 19, but that was before I had my first intercourse with a sexual worker (which was a cowardly act I should say).
Today, six years on, I am proud to say I hadn't gone back to any sex service shop but, unfortunately, the addiction in hidden forms had only become stronger! I still visit porn sites - the number of hours I spend each time had increased from 1 hour each (a year ago) to 3 hours (lately), sometimes in the dead of the night when I know I still have to work early morning the day after. This affected my performance on the job, to say the least. Single orgasm used to be enough for me, but nowadays I had to go for multiple ejaculation to satiate the lust! This is bad.
I had fantasized on countless occasions touching my female friends but thank God I have never done so in real life (I am extremely ashamed of this - as many of them trusted me a lot and I enjoyed good reputation among them). Nevetheless, I made several Freudian slips when talking to them (harmless so far though). I believe God protected me on numerous occasions - in a sense, not letting the secret on sexual addiction out. I am also worried that people around me might someday know of my habits (as I am a senior to my campus fellowship friends).
Porn disrupts my emotion and my mind that I mix up love with sexual fantasies very easily - this it made the process of searching for the right girlfriend an even bigger headache (I'm single btw).
I was once a confident individual with a high-achiever attitude and mentality but porn rendered me lower and lower in self-esteem and it introduced doubts in otherwise-happy relationships with the school friends, church friends and work colleagues. In short, porn destroyed my life and at times it seemed to cripple me especially when I'm attempting to achieve something difficult at work (cause I'd just go back to acting out in the hope of achieving that 'high' to soothe my stress).
For a brief moment last year (2008), everything seemed on track. I stopped masturbating for 6 weeks in a row (that's a great achievement I should say - but was broken after I had a wet dream one night). I went back to masturbating the day after and to internet porn again! This happened as I shared warm fellowships with brothers and sisters-in-Christ in my daily life, hence I felt like I'm living a dualist live (when I'm separated body and mind) and at time acting like a hypocrite.
The current recession hadn't helped! I'm out of job and currently spending most of the time at home all by myself. However, I know the road to full recovery is long, winding, uphill and oftentimes slippery (cause if I make one false step, I know I'll be down there again).
In short, I know I should not be doing those things, but by the nature of the addiction being hidden, it makes it easier for me to 'fall'. As such, what should I do???
I have listed down the various possible solutions (and, in brackets, what I'm thinking at the moment); perhaps you could also comment on these:
- Have a single person whom you know you could always go to for help when tempted (but I personally wouldn't want to call that person when tempted as I'd feel ashamed by then!)
- Read and memorize God's Word (yeah I tried but I really have to break my habit of being lazy)
- Go to forums regularly to encourage others (at the same time helping myself - ok I will try!)
- Don't fantasize! Instead, get busy! (is being busy a permanent solution?)
- I have to make a decision that fighting porn is my one of the top priorities in my life right now (but I don't want to make that decision!!!)
Thank you for reading and hope I can come back to help the rest of you forum-writers with your burden as well. God bless all of you and this forum!
Comments
Is it a good thing or a bad thing to have 'wet dreams'? I have struggled not to act out for 14 days, and on the 14th morning I had a wet dream. Some say it's God's grace to us to release us from the sexual tension from the semen building up in our body.
I'm in my 16th day not acting out yet, praise the Lord! (Though I've been tempted many times.. but still it's a huge improvement!)
We have wet dreams because our minds and thoughts are injured by sexual impurity over long time exposure. The exposure starts as early as when we are 6-7 years old. TV, magazines, internett teaches us to lust like it is a natural thing. To God it is an abomination. It becomes an unnatural pattern integrated in our life.
That so called "tension building up" is man made pattern and is a huge lie disguised as "truth". If you belive a lie like this, Jesus will never be able to make you free. There is nothing natural about sexual relief in form of a "wet dream", it's a product of lusting from years of exposure. Make no mistakes, lusting is a sin. You reap what you sow.
Have you ever noticed the great feeling of pleasure you experience after a wet dream, it's the ultimate feeling. There's nothing like it. I wonder why. Well,you've been EXPOSED for years, DAMAGED. In my experience it leads to more lusting for wet dreams, because masturbation isn't nearly as gradifing. Only problem is, you can't deside when to have a wet dream. That will in the end make you frustrated and lead you right back to masturbation.
DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT GODS GRACE ALLOWS US TO COMMIT ADULTRY AND FORNICATION IN OUR DREAMS SO IT CAN OKKUPY AND CORRUPT OUR THOUGHTS IN DAY TIME. YOU NEED TO WAKE UP. YOUR FOOLING YOU'RE SELF. Don't add to Gods character with corrupt doctrine.
No No. Who else has access to our mind and thoughts other than God? SATAN does! When you sleep, you're a sitting duck to him.
Therefor, take charge and controll over what you let in to your mind. Cut off the source of impurity by the roots. Take practical and radical steps. Seal the "injury" protect it so God can heal you. Sex is for married couples joined by God.
The funny thing now days is, there is tons of "so called" educational sex information, still people become more and more sexual frustrated. I WONDER WHY?
http://www.lifechurch.tv/message-archive/watch/my-secret/3
God Bless everyone.
O! I'm so tempted to 'M' now!!! My accountability partner has gone overseas, and I've no one to turn to except in this forum.
Man, I do feel for you, and if this helps at all (which it did for me) there are a lot of others who are right where you are and we get what you're going through.
The thing that helped me the most is this... I can't just "stop." I can't just "try to think of something else" when tempted. What I had to do was turn lust to love. When an image of porn I've seen comes into my mind, (I know this is going to sound wierd), I love that girl. I don't lust after her, I love her. What I mean is that I care about who she must really be, and not just the image I've seen. I say a quick prayer like, "God, please help this girl find you. Please let her know there are people who care about who she is inside. Help her discover that you have an amazing plan for her life."
When I'm done, the lust is gone. I don't feel like the fantasy anymore.
Now, this same image and same temptation can return 5 minutes later, but I do the same thing.
I also took a lot of that idle internet time and flooded my mind with the photos, videos and stories of women like Shelley and really dwelt on the evil of porn and the pain of the girls I was tempted by. It gave me a real empathy for them so that the prayers I pray for them are not canned, and they're not fake. They are real. I really do feel for them, and I really do want God to use them and turn their evil past into an amazing testimony for Him.
Thanks Healing!
It's like the analogy of giving vs. receiving, in a sense, you don't lust after her (or them) but just love. Lust is self-centred, love is centred not on myself (but hopefully on God). It's definitely something I should learn to do (in the wider context of letting go the problem of intimacy aversion and all that hurt; giving a "father" blessing even when my parents could not provide for me when I was young). I will update this forum on that progress on a later date. But for now thanks Healing!! God bless you, brother!
As of today, I am 10 days free from acting-out. Haven't watched porn for those 10 days but were always tempted somewhat. This afternoon as I spent time along at home, such great temptations to masturbate came upon me.
I knew instantly that if I didn't do anything I would lose. I sent a text message to my accountability partner (a senior who's a staff worker over at my campus's Christian fellowship). He immediately called me and I almost fainted cause it couldn't take the temptation anymore. My head felt numb for those 5 minutes I was on the phone with him. He said a few things to distract me on purpose. He told me "go out!", I immediately realised it's now or never! I have to 'starve the sumo'!
I took my running shoes (hehe new Nike Bowerman series, Pegasus25 - needless details of course!) and ran as fast as I could out of my house! I ran to the nearby stadium! I knew I had to! I had to beat the temptation. I jogged for around for 30 minutes, and I came back home. I don't know when the temptation will come back, but by God, I will defeat this sin!
Amen! That's great!!!
I had a similar experience last week. I am clean about a month, and for several reasons, the first couple weeks were a honeymoon. I was so excited that I didn't feel that tempted. But then, after a rough day fighting with my wife about something totally stupid, I'd just had enough. I wanted to just get out of the house and over to my office where I could have a little "stress relief" time. This is where I went when I didn't want to fight anymore and after a little porn and a little "personal" time, I'd feel better.
I did not want to stay in that kitchen and argue, but I did not want to fall. I can't describe how mad I was and it just got worse knowing that I could not resort to my old ways of coping. Finally, I yelled at her, "Don't make me leave. GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO NOW!!!" I took a knife and started chopping veggies (lucky I didn't lose a finger) and when I was done I said, "Give me something else - fast!" I kinda made a mess of the kitchen, and helped make dinner kind of an ugly mess, but I stayed there. After a half hour or so, I felt better.
I think we need to celebrate these small victories. We need to start putting notches in our Bibles for each time God has provided us with that escape. After a while, I have faith that this will get a little easier because we'll be able to look back at all the times He's stepped in and been faithful.
Way to go, man! God is good!
Hey Healing, that's hilarious yea! GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO! Haha. God is good, amen!