lost in porn
Communication and intimacy is really suffering as I become increasingly enslaved to the unreality of internet porn.I have never been very good at opening up to women,always afraid of being rejected.WE are living in separate worlds and sooner or later the worlds will collide.
All through the courting phase I was acting out with porn.I have had several years sober while married but slipped in April and thought that because I had so many months sober that I could play with internet porn and keep it under control.I ended up spending money on pay sites and web cam sites soon my sexual sobriety was unravelling and I was full time into the addiction.It is true that as an addict porn is my source of emotional/sexual nurturing not my wife.I am still hiding in the shame,a carry over from my child hood.I am really having trouble letting go.-Lighterman3
Comments
There are many reasons why people start to watch porn and then suddenly find themselves deeper into it to where it begins to take over your life and destroy relationships around you.
When you turn to porn rather then your wife, you are sending a message to your wife that she is not good enough for you. You may not intend for that at all but that is how she will feel wither she gives voice to it or not.
Ask yourself a few questions and this may help.
1. Would I sleep with other women in front of my wife?
Of course you would not because it would hurt her and you would comment adultery in your marriage and thus destroy all trust and end your marriage.
2. Why am I watching porn on a screen when the reality is that the women in these films are hurting themselves?
Those few questions will get you to see what your actions are doing. Watching a woman in a video is really the same as cheating. Your not married to that women and yet you see them naked.
I'm not saying these things to point a finger at you but to give you some food for thought so that you realize the great depth of how damaging porn is to not only a marriage or relationship but also to the people in the films and to your own self.
God can give you the strength to get away from porn if you truly want out of it. From what I'm reading, you do want out and you feel bad about it. You love your wife, be loyal to her and when you feel tempted, call out to God and ask that God gives you the strength to not watch it.
Watching porn will always leave you feeling guility and feeling lost because it's sinful and just plain wrong. Nobody involved in porn is ever truly happy and thats the reason.
Once you decide once and for all that enough is enough with porn, you will feel a ton of weight off of you once and for all that is depressing your life and your marriage.
Thanks my friend for those insights,I, we need support.I just put in a couple of days of sobriety ,I watched God pour His love down on me and here I am late into the morning hours struggling with this monster.I prayed,and I will continue praying I know and have lived sober it is possible ,all things in Jesus are possible,Please pray for me.I will pray for all those who have turned to this gift from God THE PINK CROSS,I will lift them up.The least I can do to return the favor to Shelley.Thanks again.Lighterman3
I consider this site a blessing as well Lighterman3 It really helped me see things from a different point of view that I had not seen and to be blunt maybe was not ready to see in the past. Your in my prayers Lighterman3 and I feel as a whole group we should keep the Pink Cross in prayer daily also so that they are blessed and provided for enough that they can continue to go out and reach out to those that want out of porn.
Lighterman3 stay focused on the word and the truth. You will see your marriage grow stronger each day.
Your brother in Christ,
Micah
Great feed back thank you.Tonight I am on the ropes seeing that the worlds in fact did collide and that my wife told me today that the marriage is finished,she is currently punishing me wit h the silent treatment.She really shamed me by calling me evil and telling me that I am following Satan.
I have tried t o beat this thing that has infected my life for atleast 30 years,I thought that getting married would help,it did for a while but the monster came back into my life and the internet makes it so easy to get back into it ,to fall and fall and keep falling.
I do believe that God loves me and that he does not call me evil and the He does not see me as a devil.I have been clean for two days and I feel that I need a real loving relationship with a person not an object,an intimacy that does not revolve around selfish things but life giving things like honesty and trust.
I am hoping that this is an opportunity to get closer to my wife we have never had a close relationship.
Thanks again for being the loving hand of God for me.
I remember that moment of realization when I thought that I might actually lose my wife and family over pornography. 'Death on the Inside' is what you call it. That is actually very accurate. All of the sudden it wasn't just about the effect and the grip that porn had on my life... but it was that the consequences for it were taking a toll on others around me... and their reaction to me was completely out of my control.
Then you are at a place where you so desperately want her to understand that it is her that you love... but you understand that the words that come out of your mouth don't carry much weight.
Everything that you feel and think in that moment needs to be handed over to God in prayer. She is going to need you to be there and giving her space at the same time. She is going to need the right to be furious with you for being furious' sake. If there is any hope left in the marriage... she will want to understand what it is you are going through, but she is probably tired of hearing about it only after you fail... I found it helpful to talk to my wife about the 'almost failures' and the 'little victories'... women are curious nurturers... but the lies and the secrets that porn produces... it is intolerable for her. It is hard for them to hold on to what we've got when all we have are little secrets and failure.
There is probably not going to be a magic moment here friend... it is time for you to be a Disciple of Jesus daily for the sake of your wife and marriage. It's bigger than porn now...
So today... what can you do to give her the space that she needs and still be involved at the same time? will you be able to let her 'vent' without responding with a 'reason' or an explanation? will you be able to let her deal with this... while you wait and pray for God to teach her how to love you again?
You have my prayer and support.
Chadwick
Pink Cross Moderator
Father,
When we read words like that of Lighterman... we should first be thankful for the realization that he is having about this adiction and the effect that it has on his life. Nobody is holding a gun to him and making him become open and vulnerable to us here at the Pink Cross... Thank you for his response to You and his desire to turn... to repent... and go the other way.
And Father... as I read his words, I am also reminded about how vulnerable all of us are as well to the temptation and the possibility of falling back into porn. God, you know that this is a battle for so many of us men... God... strengthen Lighterman enough to make the right decisions in the day-to-day battle with porn... strengthen Lighterman enough to know where he is week... and continue to acknowledge that weakness... and then totally rely on you to be his strength.
Send around Lighterman a 'band of brothers' who will raise him up with accountability, care and support as he deals with this sin that can bring so much shame.
We know that Jesus did not die only to save us from the eternal fires of hell in the life beyond this one... but to save us from the fires of passion that rage inside each one of us today... Help Lighterman turn those fires of passion for porn transform into fires of passion for Jesus...
Today, I pray...
Amen
Chadwick
Pink Cross Moderator