Late nights lost in the haze
So here i am, 2:30 in the morning. Thinking, wondering, waiting, for something to change. I am a christian, and probably the last person you would think that would ever have any problems. I am a nurse and it's a lonely life as a man in a woman's field. I can't say it's never been rewarding though. The look on someones face when i help them in their most embarrassing time, moments after accidentally going to the bathroom in their pants. The smiles i get from my patients, and even some of my coworkers, but it all feels skin deep. My life feels like a numbness. I started out looking at porn when i was young, i wouldn't say i looked at it a lot because i knew it was wrong, but the sin of it kept me coming back. The lure of a woman's breasts in a pose that seems to say "Hey there, i want you hot stuff." My excuse was, When you're a kid you don't know any better. It progressed for a while, to the point where i would just watch it "for the heck of it", or "just because." I would never let anyone know. i had a great girlfriend in that i ended up messing up with because all i knew was watching the pornographic viewpoint on sex, and i knew i wanted it but she didn't. that threw me into a downward spiral for a while. For a long time i grew more and more distant from religion. Wondering why had god made someone so horrid as i. This continued throughout my years in nursing school, i was too upset, too depressed, too drawn to pornography, too drawn to the notion that if someone wasn't perfect that i shouldn't date them. that it's whats on the outside that matters, and either they didnt have it, or maby i didn't have that either. This continued until about 3 months ago when i stumbled upon this page. The thought of the suffering the girls who are in a porno endure. (and yes i mean girls because when you think about it most of them are immature and have no clue what they want with life and so on and so on). Since then i have been trying to break the habit, slowly i am beginning to break away more and more. But tonight i was thinking, and started wandering around to some of the old places i used to haunt online for what i liked... But all i could do was look at the faces of the girls, their eyes seemed so distant, so sad, so depressed, so lonely. And i realized that i am as lonely as they are because i have succumb to the same sin that they have. The faces i saw, the pain in their eyes it haunts me now. There is one face i can not get out of my mind. The funny part is she was fully clothed, but the way her eyes said "save me, this life is not what i imagined, its not what i dreamed of. Its not me." made me think of my self. So here i am, once again wondering what have i become, what am i. Why can't i break this addiction, this sinful darkness...
Comments
I said something similar in an older post, but I'll repeat it because it helped me to think about it this way.
We sit in the mud on the side of the road often times and we pray for God to rescue us. We pray and we pray and we sit there and we read our Bible and we pray some more, but God never shows up. He doesn't send a bus or a car or a guy with a 2 seater bike. Nothing. We wonder why has God left us in the mud when he promised to provide a way out.
Then one day, we hear a small whisper that says, "Psssst. I gave you legs. Walk." The road is long and looking down that road will do nothing but discourage us because we have so far to go. But just get up out of the mud, take one step at a time and start walking. One day, you will look back and be amazed at how far God has led you from where you were.
One step at a time, one victory per moment, always going to God in prayer about every mundane thing, and after enough of those small victories, you will have another day. And another...
Hi lostinhaze
you mentioned that you are a christian have you ever confessed your sins to any one? the bible says in James Confess your sins and you will be healed.
SOme times sin grows fast when its in the dark if you bring your sin into light then it will help you to bring recovery into the situation. Do you have some one who you could trust and tell? Do you have an accountablity friend?
And also do you have internet filters on your computer? try and cut off all access to porn if you can, using an internet filter works really well like safe eyes and you can set it up to how you want it to work. Please let us know more about your situation and your spiritual journey
Underoath
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
Hello again guys, i just wanted to say thanks for the words of encouragement! It's great knowing that i'm not the only one here. I can't really make a logn statement here as i am just about to get on shift. However,
linkinforcer: your encouragement is appreciated.
Healing: Your words on making god first in my life and giving it all to him is definitely inspiring!
Mike D: Your comment on loving one another as we love our selves definitely makes me think that i can grow a large bit in that field.
mannishboy: your point about taking the feelings towards pornography and re-tune them towards another woman and begin to love them is really a great idea!
Thanks to everyone. I made it through day one porn free so far. Taking every day at a time. I have a hope inside of me that god will bless me through this time!
we all have different thoughts and versions but pretty much struggle with the same feelings.i see lonely as only temporary some day hopefully soon you will find that person.i see as one is good in the heart not watching porn not using drugs taking care mentally and physically when you see that women again or when one meets some one new they will see that change inside you.think of that lure the women in porn finely tune to get us to feel this way to keep watching,is it that feeling you want to give back to a real person
Our Lord commanded us to love our neighbours as we love ourselves.
In my experience, learning to understand how these girls are my neighbours (in the Christian sense) has been one of the most powerful weapons enabling me to break the grip that porn has had on me.
The empathy with an Other's suffering and anxiety breaks down porn's objectification of women; the controlling I-IT relation gives way to I-THOU; we see ho this person is somebody's daughter, somebody's sister, perhaps somebody's mother; we learn to see a human being, not an object; we learn that loving neighbour requires that we prge ourselves of lust; loving our neiughbour as ourselves leads us back to Jesus.
YOU CAN!
-Trey
You are certainly in a place where there are guys who understand what you're going through. Though each of us has his own unique version of the story, it's amazing how we share most of the same thoughts, feelings, doubts, and fears. If you're a Christian, you probably feel like you're the only guy in your church who has this problem, and I can assure you, you are not. Those of us here are the tip of the iceberg in my opinion.
I grew up in church and over the years, I can't count how many times I said, "NO MORE!" and then eventually, fell right back into my old habits, and my old sins. For me, this time is forever, I can promise you that, but I wonder, why now? What was different this time that made me get out and stay out for good? I'm still not sure, but for what it's worth, here are a few suggestions:
First, recognize that you cannot do this yourself. You are too weak to break free without giving it over to Jesus and asking him to lead you out.
Second, don't let that mean that you aren't responsible to do some hard stuff, and that if and when you fall, it's somehow God's fault for not rescuing you. You're gonna have to work your butt off.
So how do you reconcile those two things? How do you give it all to God and still take the personal responsibility to discipline your mind and to fight the temptations? I think the answer is like this. You tell God that you're all his. Nothing held back, nothing saved for yourself. Everything. Give your life, your skills, your weaknesses, your past, your future, everything to him. If he wants you to go to Africa and live in a mud hut you'll do it. Give him everything.
Then you look at your life and do what I've been calling "get radical." You decide that you desire purity above all things and you desire to be used by God above all things and you will let nothing stand in the way. If you live in an area with temptations, move. If you can't keep away from your computer and internet porn, get rid of the computer. Use the computer at the library. If you see a pretty face on the street and that gets your motor revving, look at no one. I'm serious. This is what Jesus was talking about when he said, "If your eye offends you, pluck it out..." You gotta get a little nuts because you won't let any of that other stuff stand in the way of your purity.
Think of a farmer. He works long hours, blood, sweat and tears, tilling, planting, watering, etc. He does all this, but ultimately, it is God who grows the seed. You have to be willing to do everything you've never done before, but trust that he will provide the results.
Then see how amazing God is and how he rewards you. He will take charge and I'm telling you, you will see him do incredible things in your life.
What do you think?