Pixler,

It looks like you have made a courageous move in admitting this life of false intimacy is not working for you anymore. You're right about the consequences and the choices you will make if you continue on this path will only become harder and more painful. Its at the point of decision where the pain of continuing is more than the pain of getting better that reality really begins to sink in. So thank God that you are now seeing life as it truly is.

There will be a temptation to stick your head back in the shell and avoid the pain that it will involve to get better. As one of my mentors, Mark Laaser, always asks "Do you want to get well?"

He points out that that is one of three important spiritual questions you have to answer.

1) Do you want to get well?
2) How thirsty are you?
3) What are you willing to die for?

Your answers to those questions will really focus your pursuit of recovery. I would definately recommend finding help not only in the forums but after reading and interacting here regarding the stories of grace and recovery - you seek out help from a counselor and / or a group of men in recovery near you. There are good resources available. More of them are available to you every day. Keep seeking and knocking. I'll be glad to answer more specific questions if you have them.

There are people on this site who are proof that you can stop. I too and struggling, but I'm not going to give up quitting. Read post from some of the people who have been pure for a long time. That is what helped me, and lets me know that I can beat this.

Stick around and post often.