Here's My Story...

I'm just going to cut right through the chase. How I got into porn addiction was my phone. I was watching as much as I can on YouTube with the sexy women on there, feeling on theirselves, getting felt on, making out with other women, and they don't allow porn on there, and I felt that if I watch porn on the PC, because my mother hops on this computer as well, she can go into my history and catch something she wouldn't want to see, or for me to see for that is(I was that paranoid). I don't carry a laptop, so I watched it on my phone. The PC's in my room, so when my Mom hops on, it is so easy to watch porn while I'm right behind her(On mute of course).

I've been masturbating since 11, I never paid attention to it as a sin because, even though Jesus said that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery in his heart(Mat 5:28), I kinda felt justified in a sense because for one thing, I was in a middle school filled with fully developed peers who were sexually active, and as far as where my eyes went, I was caught in the crossfire, reflecting on it now(I wasn't thinking about it then), it was hell for me. And since then, I can't refrain from relieving myself, it was never by the computer, but the people around me that triggered my lust. And 3/4th's of the time, they don't even know the things us guys go through as Christians, when they aggressively walk around with a good cleavage or pants/skirts that define their figure, and I don't want to strict my eyes, just because some skimpy lady walking by. I'm not going to peep over a window or bathroom to get a good show, but at the same time, I don't want keep my eye limited to a certain level, it's not based on me wanting to look at a girls goods, but I just want my eyes to have breathing room,

For my reason to engage in watching porn was because I got sick and tired of feeling like I had to hold my urge until marriage, feeling bad about looking at a woman's voluptuous curves, envying the boyfriend/husband who is, in ebonic terms, "tapping that". I felt that there was no such thing as what certain youth leaders call a "second stare", if your eyes caught to it and you're easily enticed, there's nothing to stop that urge in a split second, that's how I felt. I felt like before I can become a husband with a privilege to make love to my wife, I had so many things to conquer as a man and a Christian, before I get myself involved in marriage, and where I'm at right now, I once felt like I had an extremely long way to go. So with that, and being a virgin at 22, trying to stay pure before the LORD, I felt that God left me out to dry for nothing. So out of my anger, and plus the urge that I've been carrying since puberty hit, I decide to relieve myself with pornography. I wouldn't really go as far as fornication, because of the circumstances that I don't want to be in, like becoming a father too soon, becoming emotionally attached to someone I don't know I can trust, catching an STD, etc.. And I was hooked! It was to a point where I wasn't just a guy who has sexual urges toward women like most men, I was a guy who was ENSLAVED to it, it was my drug! It was to the point where every time I look at a woman, I can envision what they could do to please me in bed, even the young ones who were developed too soon(I have to be honest with that because if not, I'm only telling you half of what God wants me to tell you).

I felt free, but out of control, it was my prerogative to do whatever I wanted to do, but with it I was losing things slowly: my respect for women, flunking college, almost lost my karate scholarship, while I was obsessed with porn. I had a girlfriend, I felt that I could stop porn completely and I couldn't, so I broke up with her for many reasons relating to me(It was mainly porn because I didn't want both of us to be tempted to sex, and on top of that have her being pressured to doing something that I saw another woman do so she can measure up to them.). I DUMPED HER OVER PORN! I felt ashamed and I don't have anything in me that can help admit that to her, and I truly loved her. I was enslaved to where I then felt useless in life, I wanted to kill myself. I knew before that suicide will send you to hell, but at that moment, that didn't cross my mind one bit. The only things that stopped me was recognizing how my mom would feel, and the fact that I didn't carry a gun, I sure wasn't going to kill myself slowly. I've gone past the suicidal thought and now trying to reestablish my relationship with God, I consider myself, at this point, as the seed among the thorns. Even though I subscribe to my Christian faith, I still fall many times in this area, and I don't want to use the thorn-in-flesh scripture as an excuse, I rather use that for my cussing habit. It's not that I don't care about any other attributes to what a Christian is supposed to be, but I believe that this is my first priority. I don't want to get involved with a woman with Satan defiling my thoughts with back-shots and t***-f******! I want to know what it's really like to love my significant other in a way God sees fit without interference from thoughts of stealing 2nd and 3rd base! I don't want to support this selfish habit, I realized how selfish I was after I watched one of Mrs. Lubben's sermons, and she talked about what most of the women went through before, during, and after the set(And just bringing this out, I still can't figure out what is so hot about a woman getting a facial, if I thought anything was degrading and gross while watching porn, it was that.). I've fell many times recently and that's why I'm here.