Alright, so I thought I should tell you guys about what I experienced last night...

Basically, after having stayed more or less "pure" for a week or so now, I was watching some dodgy videos, although not porn, and without "doing anything". I managed to convince myself to turn off the PC though, and I went to bed.

As I lay there, I was trying to convince myself whether it was a "good idea" to just let my lustful feelings go or not. Of course, now that I am in my normal state, I'd say it's dumb to give in to every temporal whim, but that's sometimes a lot harder to do when in that mood/state. I started "reasoning" in my mind, saying among other things that the Bible doesn't speak that much about adultery, it's only really Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount, and then I also thought about Proverbs, about the "adulterous woman". Anyways, I start thinking about other things, generally of how it's not reasonable to keep ignoring my own lusts or whatever, (erroneously) comparing it to hunger and so on.

But in the end, I force myself to realize that praying is always the best way of determining what is right, and of course even in that state I know deep down what the answer will be. After praying, I realize God likes to speak through the Bible. So I pray, and without looking I decide to pick a "thumb verse" as we call it in Swedish, i.e. just opening a page at random...

The first text: Jeremiah 23:33-40. It's about the people Judah telling the prophet that everything he says is just doom and gloom, and that he puts on them "heavy burdens". Then the Lord tells Jeremiah to rebuke the people and tell them not to "twist the Word of the Lord".

This text was the passage I had written an interpretation on in my Old Testament Exegesis course a few weeks ago, so I knew exactly what it meant. I had, however, not applied it to myself. I kept this in mind as I opened the next text:

Matthew 5:27-30 - The one who looks at a woman with lust has broken her marriage, and it's better to rip out your eye than to be thrown into Gehenna.

At this point, the fear of the Lord grips me, any lust or unruly desire in me leaves me, and I just start thanking the Lord for being to clear to me. However, as I continue praying, I start talking to him, and I ask if he'd like to give me yet another "thumb verse" like that which just fits RIGHT in. I open the Bible even in the darkness, and turn on the lights:

Proverbs 7:1-5, as well as the continuation. First I start reading, and I'm like "this isn't that clear" - then I realize that it's as if God is speaking directly to me...

"My son, keep my words and treasure up my commandments with you; keep my commandments and live; keep my teaching as the apple of your eye; bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart. Say to wisdom, "You are my sister," and call insight your intimate friend, to keep you from the forbidden woman, from the adulteress with her smooth words."

At this point my heart was pretty much just beating and I was amazed with God. A moment of despair and frustration with my sexuality was changed into one of the coolest experiences of God speaking to me I've experienced...

First he made me read the text I had been Pharisaically reading so many times, as if it was about others. It warned me to take every Word of God seriously, including those that seem harsh or overly difficult to follow.

Then comes one of the texts I had been diminishing, thinking looking at women in adultery is impossible to avoid and so on... It should be added that the only part of it I read that night was the part about throwing away the offending body part, which was enough for me. As I reviewed those things today, I realized it also contained the very text I had been quoting in my head.

Finally, the last text was the second text I had been diminishing, trying to reason that maybe it was just advice to stay away from trouble... But it cut right to my heart, telling me something about what is really important in life: to follow the advice of my elders and the commandments of the Lord - and to let it take the place of the adulterous woman and the thoughts she brings with her!

---------

I encourage all of you to pray and read the Word when you are struggling with these things! If you start praying that God should "interrupt" you when you are going on the wrong track, you'll be surprised by how many times he does, and how few times we actually listen... However, actual prayer and reading of the Word has a might well beyond any sign God sends us while we're still pursuing sin.

Signs God has sent me has included my Internet mysteriously dying the moment I'm trying to stream some dodgy video, or somehow finding a video by some of the very porn stars who have been saved and interviewed on this site... That usually doesn't work to stop me while I'm horny, though - but prayer does work!

If you have similar experiences, feel free to post them here!

God bless you!
/Peter