First posting form an internet porn addict. Three days porn free.
Dear Pink Cross Members,
This is my first posting. I am addicted to internet porn and am on my first day of being porn free. I am posting to this site because I have tried to quit many times before but have ended up back spending way too much time searching for, downloading, and looking at online porn. I see my porn viewing habits as an addiction since I know my life would be better off without porn but I keep going back to it. I know my relationship with my fiancee would be better if I didn't look at porn. I know my work life would be better if I didn't look at porn. And I know I would be better off in so many other ways if I didn't look at porn. When I think of the things I could have done in the time I've spent looking at porn, I'm amazed. I'd have finished my dissertation for my PhD by now. I could have been exercising instead of having gained 30 pounds. I'd have better self esteem. But even though I know I'd be so much better off, I keep going back to looking at porn. It's just so easy when it's online. All I have to do is type in the url for a tube site or pay $10-$20 to join a site with higher quality video that I can download endlessly.
I just deleted all the porn I'd downloaded onto an external hard drive. It was about 80 gigs. When I've gone through this cycle of downloading a massive amount of porn, realizing I have a problem, and then deleting everything, I've deleted more than 100 gigs before. I think I've had as much as 200 gigs of porn downloaded at times. Since 80 gigs was about 500 scenes--about 100 dvds--that means I've had the equivalent of about 250 dvds worth of porn on my hard drives before--about 1250 scenes. And there's a sign of addiction. If I was just a casual porn watcher a few scenes or DVDs worth would have been fine to masturbate to every so often. But with each download essentially being free, once I started I just couldn't stop myself. When I'd be working, in the back of my mind, I'd always be thinking about something I downloaded or something I was missing. Then, I'd end up downloading porn at work. Putting myself at risk for getting kicked out of my school's program. It's ludicrous to think that I risked my present and future livelihood to watch pixels on a screen. Especially when I have a wonderful fiancee at home who loves me and cares for me so much.
So this time I'm hoping will be the last time I quit porn. One of the things that helped the most before was seeing the reality series on VH1 about sex addicts with the former porn star Penny Flame. Even though I never liked most of the stuff she was in, it put a human face on porn that doesn't come across in the sex scenes. It's really helped to have the letters and videos by former porn stars on this website to put a human face to the porn. It shows the cost of porn for me even if there isn't a direct monetary cost. Thanks Pink Cross for providing the stories and support.
If anyone has any words of support or advice, please let me know. I'd appreciate it. So far the best resources I've found to work through beating my porn habit are this website and a book called "In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior" by Patrick Carnes et al.
Take Care,
An Internet Porn Addict
UPDATE: I'm now on my 3rd day of being porn free and will be going to my first sex-addicts anonymous meeting on Monday. The info on this site and especially The Pink Cross videos posted on youtube have been really helpful in keeping off porn. When I went to a tube site to see what porn the former porn stars on The Pink Cross had done, it made me cringe at the porn instead of getting turned on like I used to. Thanks Pink Cross.
Comments
So this is my 6th day of being porn free. I have to admit, it hasn't been easy, but this site has helped a lot. There have been a few times when I've gone to one of the sites I used to visit, but each time I've remembered some of the statistics and stories on this site. About how 70-90% of porn actresses have worked in prostitution, how most if not all get STDs from working in porn, how some get pregnant on porn shoots, and the trauma so many porn actresses go through on shoots and after they leave porn. It helps me to focus on the imperfect information so many girls have when they do porn. They think they're going to a boy-girl shoot, but there ends up being a bunch of guys there. Then they're told if they don't do the shoot, they won't get any more work. If there was perfect information, i.e. they girls knew everything they were getting into it would be harder for me to think of porn as being harmful to the actresses. But it helps keep me off porn to know that there's deceit and lies in getting girls to become porn stars and then blackmail to go through with shoots they would never have signed up for.
I didn't go to the sex addicts anonymous meeting at noon today but will this Thursday evening. I just never saw myself as someone who'd end up having to go to an addicts meeting. I've never been addicted to anything else like this. Cigarettes were super easy for me to quit and I've never been drawn to illegal addictive drugs. I have no problem with drinking. It's just that with online porn, it's so easy and cheap. There's no having to go to a dealer or even a store and there's no out of pocket cost.
Anyway, so that's me on my 6th day of being porn free. I'll check in again soon.
Sincerely,
An Internet Porn Addict
Glad to see you made your way here. I'm creeping up on 90 days, myself, so I'm a relative newbie as well. All I can tell you is to keep up the fight. Reading the stats here is a good way to remind yourself of the damage that porn can cause. As an addict though, I have found that when I took the hooks of porn out of my body and soul, I needed to have something to fill the space with. I rededicated myself to my interests, and filled myself with God's love. That is the best advice I can give you at this point in your struggle. Read some books or pick up a hobby or interest to keep your mind occupied. Get out of your place and exercise to keep your body active. Come here or delve into the Word to fill your soul. Once you start doing that, the desire to go back to your old ways will get pushed a little more to the back.
Its a constant struggle, but remember, the higher up the mountain you climb with each passing day, the better the view gets. Keep up the fight, and you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
All things possible,
Adam
Thank you so much for the support. I really appreciate it. I'm glad you're moving up on 90 days of being porn free. I think so far I've filled the time with checking this site and the Shelley Lubben videos on youtube. That and cooking. And my relationship with my fiance is much improved in the week I've been porn free. It's so helpful to not have porn in the back of my mind when we're together.
One of the main things I think about when I'm not at the computer is making the argument in my head against porn. It's a little hard because for so long I'd made the argument in my mind that porn was fine, that the women in porn choose to be there. So whether or not someone else sees it as being demeaning to women, the women in porn chose their own path, and that's the most important thing. But I can now see how women who go into porn often have a very different idea of what they're getting into and what it is actually like to do porn. The hardest porn for me to make an argument against is the porn by the companies that only have sex scenes with condoms and only have scenes with no violence or demeaning or degrading dialogue towards the women in the scenes. One argument I can see against that sort of porn is that it gives women who go into the business a false sense of what it sounds like most porn is like. So it can help draw women into a bad scene/career they don't expect and then find themselves hostage to. That and it sounds like even with condoms there's still a significant risk of getting STDs in the porn industry that some of the actresses may not be aware of when they get into it--even with companies that fit the above description.
Well, that's all for now. Thanks again for your support. I really appreciate it. I wish you all the best in getting to 90 days and beyond.
Sincerely,
An Internet Porn Addict
Hey dude, praise God for the good stuff! In terms of the battle, remember that just by watching it you are degrading them. It isn't just a matter of being lied to about the type of shoot they are doing (but that is a big part). They are created in the image of God, worth respect and dignity. They deserve to have their intimacy, bodies, and love to be held in a private relationship with another person who will protect and love them. The same way your fiancée deserves to have her sexual life be valued, protected, and shared by only you after you guys get married. The same for your sexual identity too. When you consume porn, you are CONSUMING a person. You are turning them into a product, and no longer a human fearfully and wonderfully created by God. Keep it up, brother, and keep praying for the rest of us!
So here's me checking in. I've now been porn free for 9 days. I have to say, it's harder quitting this time than the others. I guess part of the reason is that I'm more serious about quitting this time so have been trying to re-evaluate the way I look at porn--not the way I watch it, but whether I see it as a turn on or something that doesn't turn me on. And the thing about trying to change the way I see porn, is that it keeps it in my mind more than usual. The good part though is the times I've checked out the websites I used to look at, I never end up watching a video. Or I might get a little ways into watching a video before getting reminded that it's these sort of scenes where STDs are transmitted, that the woman in it may be drunk or on drugs in order to do the scene, or may have shown up expecting to do a lighter scene, but then got manipulated into doing a harder scene.
Before when I've quit, I've tried to set up my computer to blacklist porn sites or set up my router to do the same. But there are always ways around blocks like those. So while they may have made it easier to avoid porn in the short run, those methods didn't address the underlying desire to watch porn. But now I'm finally addressing the underlying desire so this change should hopefully be more long-lasting.
So that's me on day nine. Thanks again Pink Cross for providing these forums. They've been really helpful in getting me off porn by giving me a place to work through my own experience and read those of other addicts and porn stars who've left the business.
Sincerely,
An Internet Porn Addict
So today is my 10th day of being porn free. It feels really good. One thing that's different this time and seems to be making a significant positive difference is that I've been working to change my outlook on porn. Whereas before I realized that I had a problem, but I still saw porn as ok since I thought the women in porn chose their careers with full information and without being manipulated. I thought the STD tests kept porn STD free and that the rate of STDs among people doing porn was roughly the same as among people who don't make porn.
Since I didn't change my viewpoint before, I was still left wanting to look at porn even though I knew it was bad for me. But, like I've mentioned in some earlier posts, changing my outlook on porn has drastically diminished my desire to watch porn since the times I've gone back to the websites I used to frequent, I find myself wondering if the girl in a given scene was manipulated into doing the scene, was she on drugs during the scene, were STDs transmitted during the scene, etc...
The tough part now is getting back to work. One of the many negative impacts porn had on my life was that I spent most of my day looking at and downloading porn instead of working on my dissertation. One downside of doing a dissertation is that I can work at home where no one can monitor my work. And especially over the summer, there's very little interaction with my adviser so it's easy to slack for weeks at a time without anyone knowing.
And even though I've been off of porn for 10 days now, I haven't been working in the time I would normally look at and download porn. Instead, I've been checking the Pink Cross website, watching the Pink Cross videos on youtube, watching online tv on hulu, watching normal tv, etc. I've just gotten so lazy. I need to pick myself up.
So today, I'm going to make a concerted effort to take the time I used to spend watching porn, and instead spend it doing constructive things like work and exercise.
That's my posting for the day. Also, I didn't go to the sex addicts anonymous meetings this week. I'll go to the one this Monday at noon though. No more excuses.
Take Care,
An Internet Porn Addict
OK Men, I can feel Gods graces coming through your posts. I can feel that you are feeling better, better about yourselfs.
This positive energy is what we need to stay out of porns clutches. This energy is the Grace of God and it is very contagious so keep the good news coming for all to share in.
Have a great weekend Brothers, stay busy and stay out of trouble.
____________________________________________________
"A fight is not won by one punch, either learn to endure or hire a bodyguard" Bruce Lee
I've now been two weeks porn free and it's finally not a daily fight to stay off the porn. Before I'd substituted the time I used to spend checking porn with checking Pink Cross and their videos on youtube. But now, porn finally isn't foremost in my mind and I can get back to other things like work. I don't really know what else to say. One of the biggest differences between this time and the other times I've tried to quit porn is that this time I can go to the porn sites I used to visit, but now the images don't turn me on because when I see them, thoughts pop into my mind like wondering if STDs were transmitted during the scene, was the girl manipulated into doing the scene, was the girl drunk or on drugs to get herself through the scene, etc... So making porn not the turn on it used to be makes it so even if I don't exercise enough self control to stay away from porno sites, once I'm there, I just end up clicking away from the porn anyway. Whereas before I'd struggle not to go to websites that I really wanted to go to. Now, the want isn't there so much anymore.
So those are things for now. I'll check back in a few days.
Good luck to all the other online porn addicts out there.
Take Care,
An Internet Porn Addict
That's good to hear, try to maintain that positive mindset and realize that porn will always be around, but that doesn't mean you have to be there to see it. Best of luck! and if you slip, just try again, each day clean will help build self-confidence to keep going :)
"We may have problems but we shouldn't let our problems have us:
Dear Pink Cross Members,
So this is my 15th day porn free and it feels really good. My relationship with my fiance is so much better in just this short amount of time. And it feels really good to not have porn in the back of my mind all the time. Before it seemed like all I could think about. So much of the time, no matter what I was doing, I'd be thinking about porn. I'd be trying to work, but be thinking about porn. Spending time with my fiance, but thinking about porn. Trying to get to sleep, but be thinking about porn. I could go on and on.
Today I think will be my first day back to normalcy in a while. A day of working without thinking about porn all the time. Of being able to focus on what I'm doing or thinking about in the moment, instead of being distracted by porn. I really want to get back to normalcy. I let porn have such a negative impact on my life. Because I'd looked at or downloaded porn in the time I used to spend exercising, I've gotten overweight, physically weak, and lazy since sitting in a chair with porn doesn't exactly nurture a get up and go mentality. But today, I begin my return to a normal life without porn. Here I go... Wish me luck...
Take Care,
An Internet Porn Addict
Hi All,
So it's my 20th day porn free and I feel really good. My fiance is going to be away on a trip from Tues-Sun so the upcoming days may be harder than the past few weeks have been but I'm really optimistic. Every time I've gone back to the tube sites I used to frequent, I just keep remembering that the girls in the videos may have been on drugs, alcohol, manipulated into doing the scenes, etc. and that takes away the turn on for me.
Wish me luck this week. I'm almost at 1 month of being porn free.
Take Care,
An Internet Porn Addict
I've been meaning to update this posting for awhile, but haven't had the need since checking porn doesn't seem to be a problem for me anymore--I haven't masturbated to porn for at least 50 days now. Good things. I seem to have reconditioned myself so porn isn't a turn on for me anymore. It's kind of amazing I was able to do that since before porn was such a pervasive part of my life. I have to admit that every so often I'll go back to one of the porn sites I used to frequent, but it just doesn't turn me on the way it used to because I've spent so much time reading the testimonials and stories from former porn stars about what their experience was in the industry. So after less than five minutes at a site, I'll be back to whatever it was I was doing before. I guess it's just become hard for me to get pleasure from porn when the negative effects it has on so many of the women involved in making it have become so ingrained in my conscious and subconscious.
Now I don't have to count the days I've been off of porn or constantly work to keep from checking porn. I've lost about 15 pounds in the past month or so and am just generally getting in better health physically and mentally since getting off porn. My relationship with my fiance has improved dramatically and I'm just generally more hopeful about things.
Good luck to the rest of you out there. I wish you all only the best in your efforts to overcome your addiction to porn.
Sincerely,
An Internet Porn Addict
Hey zipper, I'm glad to hear you are in a much better place. I pray that as you have come to a place of contentment that you don't get caught off guard, brother. Keep up the fight!
I love it! Lots of good news today on the cross! Keep up the good work and the grace will keep coming your way. Enjoy your freedom!
Thanks for sharing!
____________________________________________________
"A fight is not won by one punch, either learn to endure or hire a bodyguard" Bruce Lee