divorced now
Fri, 11/20/2009 - 14:13
as our anniversary came and went, the divorce was stamped/finalized two days before our second anniversary. Reason for her filing: adultery. No, it wasn't in the physical sense, but with porn and she made a point of standing before the judge and saying so; citing dates (including our first anniversary) I am clean for nearly 6 months, and prayed daily giving my life to God that my marriage would be spared but it wasn't. I hurt her too many times and went right back to porn and 'adultery' with those in the film.
thank you for your prayers; I won't go back now (to pornography), I think it's better to be like Paul was and stay alone. Boy what a powerful tool the devil has with porn, steals souls, ruins marriages and familys-it's so terrible.
Comments
I don't know if you will get this but I got chocked up because of the love you have for your wife I mean it tore me up deeply I can tell that love I just pray that God gives back everything the devil tried to steal from you. You don't deserve him to steal anything you deserve all that God gave you I know you didn't mean it so I know God isn't finished battling for you at least I know I don't believe that.
I just pray God will restore everything maybe time is needed you know time to heal yourself and time for her to heal you never know what God will do in the end. I know you care about her.
anyhow, I am sharing so that married Christian men can see where this can lead (one dark path it can go down) none of the paths are good, but porn is destructive and ruins aboslutely EVERYTHING and EVERYONE it touches.
I love how (not really, smell the sarcasm) the devil likes to twist it into a debate among brothers as to "is it really cheating or not"
We read what Jesus said about it. For my ex-wife and I (that is painful to write) we agree that the act of watching porn and masturbating while pretending to be with that person is adultery. There's no more arguement to be had.
Stay blessed and stay strong-cherish your wives.
Right, lets not forget why you posted in the first place.
But it's just that I would hate to see people suffer when it might (!) not be necessary.
But anyway, I think you did an honorable thing.
Apparently you messed up and it's a sign of great humbleness to say "ok, I spoiled my chances. I'll let you decide".
You could've hardly forced her to stay married, when she wouldn't want to, so it's a fair situation.
As far as I can judge now I do not agree with your ex-wife's decision, but you did the right thing in response.
Just keep the faith up high, walk in purity with endurance and you'll reap the rewards one way or the other
Edit: Btw,
posting thread = creating debate
You can't expect everyone to say "ah thanks for the insight!". That's just not how people/internet work. I wouldn't go as far as saying that's the fallen angels at work there ;-)
I'm sorry to hear you're divorced but it wouldn't have gotten to that point if there wasn't grounds for it. Desiring other women sexually is unfaithfulness and Jesus does makes exception for divorce because of adultery. But- the good news is that sometimes divorce is what it takes to teach us HOW to LOVE God and to know what real repentance is. God doesn't forget those certain people and if you truly love your "ex" wife with HIS love and she and she alone is now the "desire of your heart"- and... God does promise to gives us the desires of our hearts when we desire HIM first... I'd say reconciliation is a very real possibility in your future. God delights in a repentant heart and RUNS to bless us just like the Prodigal Son's father did. You're focused on God only- no porn women in sight- and that's terrific. God has great things in store for your life because NOW you're "talking and understanding His language". I'm excited about your future! Thanks for sharing the reality of porn-infection in your life and I hope no one ever forgets that porn is all about betrayal, unfaithfulness, covetousness and adultery all rolled into one and very real grounds for divorce with God's approval.
The devil's not doing anything here, we are having a disagreement. I think we all acknowledge that porn is devastating to marriages.
ok I'm tired of talking in circles-it's really a moot point as under man's law, we're divorced.
So, that's where my story/testimony is now. *I won't say that's the end as I believe God is real God of miracles*
For those that were praying for me and for us:
Thanks for the prayers.
To put things in a perspective;
To hate someone is to murder someone, in God's standard.
That doesn't mean you have biblical grounds to sentence someone to death penalty because he/she hated a person.
In the same way I don't think lust deserves the same "punishment" as adultery.
Personally I don't think it's worth a divorce. Separation, sure, but as two Christians (assuming you are) who became one there should be the focus on forgiveness and patience.
If you are a christian your ex-wife should have faith in Christ working in your life to deal with these problems. God hates divorce (Mal 2:16) so it should be the ultimate last resort in cases of violence or sexual immorality or something. I'm convinced that God can restore what He put together in the first place, so neither you, nor your ex-wife should give up hope in the other.
It's a tough situation and I wish you and your ex-wife the best of strength and wisdom
"To put things in a perspective;
To hate someone is to murder someone, in God's standard.
That doesn't mean you have biblical grounds to sentence someone to death penalty because he/she hated a person."
Pretty much what I was trying to say.
we did have/still have faith. After a year and a half of counseling/working on it-she simply couldn't regain the smallest trust for me, I went away for three months and told her I was going to lay down with anything with female anatomy (I didn't but I said it in anger) when I came back, though a new man, fresh newborn Christian (baptized). She didn't (nor can I blame her) forgive me or believe me. She thought I was off doing who knows what with who knows who (I actually told her I was going off to try to get into porn)
An example: we were in couples counseling. I wrote her an apology and then even during the time we were in counseling I was watching porn and masturbating.
And again, right or wrong. I've done so much damage to my body I coudn't take care of her when she was my wife/nor would I be able to now. I had a big post on that but erased it as no one had any answers. (did major damage to my body through masturbation)
I have faith he can still restore us. I am waiting for a miracle. I should also add, that prior to me leaving, we studied staying together/separating vs divorce and since I'd screwed up so horribly much, I let it be her call.
and, I am NOT the judge of what is right or wrong. That's up to God.
My whole story used to be on here, parts are missing I guess. I did this off and on to her for nearly the two years we were married and the especially bad one (looking back) was when I was watching porn and pretending to be with one of them the night of our first anniversary, and when it was time for us to spend time together couldn't (you know what I mean)
I searched for answers to how to make up that horrific behavior, for being so cruel to her I tried more things than I can tell you. I prayed on my face to God to show me something that would be 'good enough' to make it up- and either he said wait or there isn't anything. You only get one first anniversary. I was unable to make amends to her for that.
Thanks for sharing your struggle.It helps me to see the terrible consequences of my actions.My heart goes out to you brother.You are not alone.
thank you.
I know I am not alone. I walk with God. The footprints story is painfully oh so true.
I just wanted to also let you know I didn't go to the court; nor did I sign the papers. I wanted to make it clear to D that she was WORTH fighting for. The only way I knew to do that was to go that morning and pray with her and for her and to tell her that I love her. I explained I wouldnt sign the papers because we made a promise "what God has joined together let no (wo)man put asunder..and till death do us part"
I did indeed commit adultery. I didn't put her at risk with std's or by creating another family, however I did on many times look at a woman/women with lust in my heart. That, according to Jesus and the Word is adultery.
I am continuing to pray for her as I know she is lonely; and broken (thanks to me and my bs luggage that I brought in) I pray that if/when the time is right God sends her a good husband because that is what she deserves. She is a true treasure.
I am sharing this for those of you that are married, please don't let your ruby slip away from you.
I thank God that My wife did not split out the door after things went south because of my porn confession.She is hurt ,silent and angry.I am having trouble still letting go of the internet porn addiction but I have purged my hard drive though i discovered a way to get the stuff back through a hard drive recovery tool.
I have had two days sexually sober and want to build on this foundation with the help of Gods grace I am really going to try not to fall into the cycle tonight.I want to be close to this wonderful women.I want the real connection.Please pray for me.I will pray for you.
Your honest testimony will help many of us stay clean and cherish those whe we love and love us. Thank you Brother, I will pray for you to find peace and love again.
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"A fight is not won by one punch, either learn to endure or hire a bodyguard" Bruce Lee
thank you brother. I have found God and in that am complete. I threw away the wife he gave me, well at least 'put her away' in Biblical terms. Hence why I am sharing. I am praying you, my brothers hold steadfast and true and dont let one more marriage dissolve to do the garbage known as porn. Not one more.
The good thing about here is we can inform eachother of the pitfalls and tricks that the enemy uses to destroy our relationships and families.
Thank you for your prayers if anything pray for a miracle of reconciliation.
I am sure there will be days when you kick yourself a lot... I know that is what I'd be doing. Porn is not who you are in Christ. Stay close to Him as the foundation of your faith.
1 Corinthians 3:11.
....
Live today as though you have something good to give.
Live today as though you have something good to give her.
Live today as though you have something good to give others.
We are praying for you, bro.
Chadwick
Pink Cross Moderator
You did not commit adultery, she has no biblical grounds for divorce.
Matthew 5:27-28 (New International Version)
Adultery
27"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.'[a] 28But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
It was entered and accepted as such in the courts as well.
Fact of the matter is if ________ (fill in the name of wbatever porn star) had been here I would've done whatever to her. It's adultery, plain and simple. I share my story now for my brothers to let them know God met me more than half way, I was just too late.
As a Christian, I have to say I believe that while married: watching porn=adultery.
By your assertion, as well as that insane "kangaroo kourt", then if a man ever looks at a woman so as to lust for her, it is grounds for divorce. If that is true, most marriages have "grounds" for divorce!
Matthew 5:27-30
27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
bdmep,I don't understand, what's your point, where in this portion of scripture is Jesus saying the wife has grounds for divorce?
I hope people aren't misunderstanding me here, I certainly do not belive a woman in these circumstance should quickly reconcile and jump back into the marriage bed, I just don't believe she has biblical grounds for divorce. Seperation for sure.
When I went through my divorce I believed my wife should've automatically forgiven me and reconciled the marriage, even though I did commit actual adultery and all manner of perversion. Looking back she did the right thing, no doubt I would've done it again, seeing how my "repentance" was short lived.
Adultery is Biblical grounds for divorce.
Jesus states by looking with lust, that I committed adultery.
Therefore, by watching porn/committing adultery by God's standards, as this is a debate where some consider it adultery, some do not (most Christians tend to consider it adultery), as I believe in God/Jesus and the word; she had grounds for divorce.
You answered your own question.
I chose to watch porn/masturbate (while thinking of 'doing' the woman in porn) vs going and 'doing' my now ex-wife, I committed adultery again and again. I didn't stop doing the whole porn/masturbation cycle until I damaged myself by excessive masturbation and couldn't 'perform' for my wife any longer, and didn't turn away from porn until I'd essentially killed our marriage, we tried to reconcile, but too much damage had been done.
I believe in Jesus and the word of God, I just do not believe it is the same. As far as being guilty before God it is, as far as actually commiting adultery in the marriage as grounds for divorce, it is not. This is a slippery slope, what if a wife catches her husband gawking at a woman in the store, or watching Victoria Secrets show on tv, is this grounds for divorce?
We have to agree to disagree my brother.
Fact of the matter is, divorce was granted, documented as Adultery (with dates)--we are in a very conservative Christian part of the country.
The light is, God pulled me into him and turned me around-I am literally repulsed by porn and anything to do with it. I did this in a cycle for nearly 2 years.
I pray everyday for reconciliation with my wife (why I wouldn't sign the paper work, but again, I believe she had Biblical grounds for doing so)
The other part is that porn itself is a 'slippery slope' it leads to all kinds of behaviors not of God. If I wasn't out in the country I would've been sleeping with many (there's simply no opportunity here)
I wanted to share my testimony in hopes it would turn at least one person around.
Keep studying the word.
Thank you for the vulnerability, and humility as you have shared these things with us. It is obvious that you are not looking to justify any of your own behavior, and are clearly taking responsibility for your actions.
You are closer today to loving your wife, with no strings attached... and that my friend, is love.
Stay on the path you are on, and no matter how this ends, you will be more like Jesus.
Continuing to pray for you...
Chadwick
Pink Cross Moderator
I think perhaps this is a case by case thing, I'm keenly aware of the slippery slope of porn! I'm sorry that your marrige was not saved at this point, but w/God all things are possible.
Jesus is the sun on the horizon of our dark nights. Wait for him to come. Stay close to him when you feel his presence.
You have many Brothers here that will be there for you.
Chadwick
Pink Cross Moderator