Came Really Close To Losing It Today
At about a month and a half porn free, I came the closest today to viewing pornography since I decided to quit. I am wondering if perhaps one of you more experienced men can tell me how long it was before you were truly clean. I have not viewed any porn but at times it seems the images I have seen are racing through my mind and I am constantly trying to beat them back.
Today, I typed the name of my old favorite porn actress into my browser and hit enter. I stopped there, but could have just as easily taken the next step and clicked on a link. I just want this chapter of my life to be over and it's proving a lot tougher than I had envisioned it would be.
I am still attending church and meeting with a group of coworkers for bible study. I am really trying to walk in the word of God and seeking him. I continue to pray that I stay focused, clean, and that He would remove these images from my mind yet it seems as though they are permanent. Will I fight this forever?
I have taken another step and talked to my pastor about getting plugged into a group for more bible study and more seeking to be in the light. I am so scared of falling back into the lifestyle I was leading just a short time ago. I feel I need to fill all of the empty space in my soul with God or filling it with something else will be inevitable.
I really appreciate any insight any of you can offer to me.
Thanks
Comments
This tread has been a help to me already.
I'm working through the outline, but I'm starting with number 5.
5. how do I refocus on Christ in the middle of the battle.
Well, I've not been to church in over a year so that needs to change.
Today was the first time in years that I have done any reading in the Bible
and I want to keep this up
These are just a few quick thoughts.
I'm going to go over the rest of the outline in more detail.
Roger
How long until I was truly clean? It took at least 3 years before the frustration of it all was over... and then another couple years for God to restore within me a healthy 'concept' of intimacy... and I suppose God is still working on the intimacy with me ...it seems I could always love my wife more :-)
The battle was long and hard... a roller coaster ride of emotions. Times of temptation and setbacks, and constant reminder that God is faithful to forgive and restore. Looking back, one of the pieces that I did not have in my corner was a place of accountability... a Pink Cross forum to go to for encouragement... Someone to stand with me and say, 'I'm with you through this process.' It was some lonely wilderness travel for me.
BillyJoel... I don't know what you have in place in your life right now for this... but here is an outline you may want to consider just to see if you have an effective structure in place in your life for this haul...
1. Really identify what kind of damage has been done to your life because of porn.
2. Identify if there are any patterns, or seasons of temptation in your life.
3. Identify if there are any emotional triggers inside of you that make it easy for you to 'type the name of your favorite porn-star' in the google search engine.
4. Figure out if you can somehow justify porn consumption rather than just simply call your behavior sin.
5. How do you refocus on Christ in the middle of this battle?
6. Where is your support for healing and transformation? Where is your accountability?
7. How does porn effect your relationships with those closest to you?
8. Have you sought out some sort of recovery program.
These are some suggestions for you that I wish I would have had available to me 'back in the day...'
I hope they help... God has a whole treasury of heavenly resources available to you... He loves you... and He wants to shower you with healing... Keep up the good fight, Bro...
Chadwick
Pink Cross Moderator
"Blessed are those who persevere under trial, because when they have stood the test, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
James 1:12
Thanks, Chadwick. I just want to be clean. I want all of these visions in my mind to cease to exist. Their pull is very powerful and I really do struggle with it as I work at a computer all day every day.
I don't think you intended for me to answer these questions here but I am going to.
1. Really identify what kind of damage has been done to your life because of porn.
I have hurt my wife's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. I have damaged my own mind in the sense that I am unable to be intimate with my wife and focus on her completely without porn images flashing through my mind. I have pushed God aside for the lust of worldly pleasures.
2. Identify if there are any patterns, or seasons of temptation in your life.
I have never been able to identify a trigger or any real pattern of temptation other than I want it. I want it every day. I have denied myself and I have a real desire to be rid of it, but I want it at the same time. Reading this, I understand it is very contradictory and doesn't make a lot of sense.
3. Identify if there are any emotional triggers inside of you that make it easy for you to 'type the name of your favorite porn-star' in the google search engine.
Again, I am not sure that there is anything in particular that pushes me to go there. Yesterday, I was feeling overwhelmed with work and deadlines and I thought about giving into the temptation that I have fought off each day since the last time I viewed porn. There has yet to be a day gone by in which I haven't thought about it. Yesterday, I found myself thinking about how far I have come and the progress that I have made. I found the strength to navigate away from where I was and come back here. This site has been a real help to me.
4. Figure out if you can somehow justify porn consumption rather than just simply call your behavior sin.
I can't justify it. It is without question sinful behavior. That's why I quit. It made me feel like garbage. I was choosing porn over my family, my work, and other important aspects of my life. NO MORE!
5. How do you refocus on Christ in the middle of this battle?
I have been more focused on Christ and He has been instrumental in me making it this far. Before I decided to quit I had not been to church or any kind of bible study in 15 years. I am praying daily if not multiple times a day now and my relationship with God has gotten stronger. I really feel an emotional tie to God, which is something I had not ever felt before I decided to come back to Him.
6. Where is your support for healing and transformation? Where is your accountability?
I have to admit that I am weak here. I am so ashamed of the things that I have done that I have not found the strength to share this with anyone around me. That was part of the reason I was so grateful to find this place. The anonymity of this place gives me some level of accountability without the embarrassment of facing people I know and telling them I have this problem.
7. How does porn effect your relationships with those closest to you?
It put a terrible strain my marriage. I was watching porn so much that I could not perform sexually with the person in this world I love most. I was defeated and she felt as if I must not find her attractive. Since kicking this crap, our intimacy has improved immensely. When I get right down to it, nothing but good things have happened to me since I quit watching pornography. I don't understand why it still haunts me.
8. Have you sought out some sort of recovery program.
I have not. Again, I am so ashamed of the things I have done. I don't think I could face others and let them know that I did this to myself or, more importantly, those that I love.
I appreciate those questions. They have forced me to look within myself a little further than I have up to this point.
Thank You