All Of The Stories Sound So Familiar
I haven't been around here but just a couple days. The stories all sound so familiar to my own. I am very excited to be here and looking forward to kicking this addiction in the ass once and for all.
I have been struggling with an addiction to porn since I was a teen. Over the years I have been amazed that I keep coming back to something that makes me feel so ashamed of myself. The pull is so strong. For me, the moment I finally realized I had a problem came when I was unable to perform sexually with my beautiful wife. I had spent so much time viewing porn and taking care of myself that I was depriving my wife of our sexual connection. She is beautiful and I am very attracted to her yet I chose porn and my hand over her. I still can not explain why.
I don't know how many of you have experienced impotence, but I want to tell you I have never felt lower or more worthless in my life. I was not a man. I couldn't even stay aroused for a beautiful woman whom I love dearly. Shortly after this experience I was able to abstain from the porn for about 10 days and, thank God, my libido came back. I have not struggled with impotence since, but up until a few days ago I was back into the porn again. With so much at risk, I don't know why I am so drawn to continue.
My wife has found my hidden porn files on the computer in the past. The last time she found them she was ready to leave me, but I swore to her that I would never do it again and convinced her to stay. That was 5 years ago. She has no idea that I have continued to defile our marriage. The guilt is an elephant standing on my chest that I bear every day. I know that she would leave if she were to rediscover my dirty secret.
Every Sunday at church I feel just a little lower. Taking communion and praying to God about other things (and silently about my addiction). I feel as though i don't deserve to be in the Lord's home and do not deserve his grace. I feel as though I am not deserving of the wonderful family and friends with whom he has surrounded me. In spite of all of the good things he has provided me, I continue to find a way to ignore His word and do what feels good in the moment...only to feel like a scumbag soon thereafter. All this being said, I know I have to stay there. I know I have to keep going to church and studying God's word. There is no telling what I could become without Him.
Here I sit at 4 days clean. I am hoping that, with God's help and this place where I can come and speak freely, I am on my way to a life free from porn and the terrible things it can do to me and my family.
Comments
take this pic on my profile for example . the girl is julia bond , she is an ex porn star , i chat to her alot on the internet , the fact that she was a porn star doesnt bother me , infact we have never even mentioned porn . this is a picture of her modelling that she sent me completely unexpectedly , to me this is not porn , it is provocative but she is modelling , fully clothed with just breasts out . it honestly does nothing for me and i told her so , i have a gorgeous wife and thats good for me . julia admits to me that she has made some mistakes but she is now getting on with her life .
hi guys , im not religious, my question is how does a person get addicted to porn ? im like many others i have watched porn as a teenager and as an adult (not the american variety because they have always taken it way to far /gonzo etc) ive got to be honest porn has never really been my thing and i dont understand whats addictive about it . can some1 explain inorder to give me a better understanding ?
I'll tell you that if you have never been there then there is no use in trying to understand. You claim that it doesn't do anything for you (in your second reply to this thread) but, if that were truly the case, you wouldn't have been viewing it from the time you were a young man now, would you? Not addicting yet you have been doing it as long as you have...I smell denial.
if u carefully go over my posted u will clearly notice that i have in no way stated that i have "watched porn from when i was a young man up until now" what i actually said was that i had seen porn when i was a teenager , i havent viewed porn in a long long while though admittedly i did used to own a copy of a girl on girl uk student house which my wife found and gave me what i would call "a stern talking too" and disposed of it which i found abit unfair considering id only ever looked at the thing once and i wouldnt have even had it if a mate hadnt gave it to me lol , my point is that you people go on and on about being "clean" for so many days like its some sort of drug , a public forum is designed for debate and to ask questions which is exactly what i have done . just because im not here forcing quotes from the bible down peoples throat it doesnt mean that im a bad guy . ps i am a catholic , i just choose to keep religion a private thing , my choice .
If I carefully go over your post I see that you stated that, "you, like many others here, have viewed porn as a teenager and as an adult." This suggested to me that you have been watching porn since you were a teenager. If I missed something I apologize.
I am aware of what a public forum is for and will answer your question even though I believe you to be a troll (someone who joins a public forum for the sole purpose of stirring up controversy or trouble). In my own case, porn was just like a drug. The instant gratification of any fantasy right at my fingertips had a stranglehold on me. I was at a point where I was masturbating to porn so much that I couldn't perform with my wife, even though I find her sexy and I am very attracted to her. There have been studies done that prove that the brain of someone who is porn-addicted acts much in the same way as someone who is drug-addicted. Much like a drug addict, I was willing to risk my marriage and my professional reputation in order to get my next high.
I've only been clean about three weeks, but in that time I have regained control over my impulses, my libido has come back, and I just feel like a better man. Through my prayer and the prayer of others for me, I feel God has blessed me and will continue to do so as long as I turn to Him for help and guidance.
P.S. Nobody ever said you were a bad guy. Try not to be so sensitive. LOL
lol @ troll , didnt think i was that ugly lmao , fair play thats my question answered , if im honest i think you would be lucky to find any adult of this generation that hasnt viewed porn atleast once in their life , the point i was trying to make is that when i did view porn in my younger days it had no hold over me , as soon as it was off it was forgotten about , one thing that needs to be realised is that out of the millions of people that view porn very few actually become addicted to it , i am personally against porn because i dont believe in vulnerable women being prayed upon and abused , infact some of the porn i have been told about by neesa and julia bond is absolutely disgusting and i am bewildered as to how it could give any1 a thrill , in regards to your statement re me being here to stir up trouble i can offer you my personal assurance that this is not the case , incidently if the pink cross wants to get their message across to the wider world then im afraid that it is going to involve teaching "trolls" like myself who have very limited knowledge about the porn industry / addiction etc what its all about , isnt that how you spread a message to the wider world ? if you start banning people left right and centre then surely that defeats the purpose of what this site is all about ? i am the first to admit that i can be abit abrupt at times and i will try and curb that , blame the british army training for that lol , ps if at times my comments are taken the wrong way please bare in mind that i mean no offence to any persons on this site .
25 days and going strong. Praise God!
35 days in...been pretty rough over the last day but I'll make it through. God continues to grant me the strength to fight my urges. When I have a strong urge, I come here to find a little extra boost of strength.
Thank you all for being here!
God Bless!
I could not have made it this far without God's love and the support that I feel when I am here. I work at a computer all day. Every time I get the urge, I come here. Finding this site has been a blessing to me.
46 days clean by the Grace of God!
Great to hear you are doing well, man. Keep up your strength and spirit and God will keep leading the way to victory.
All things possible,
Adam
I love your attitude. It sounds like you understand that this is a fight. God wants you to be whole... and I hope that you believe that. As you read through the stories, you should also see a lot of stories of frustration and defeat. Truth is... both sides of it are a part of this.
I read an article recently that talked about the 'giving in' that men do when it comes to porn... rather than blaming failure completely on the addiction. I was in agreement with much of what the article was saying. Truth is... if we, as men, don't keep the battle mindset before us... then we will justify our failure with the statement that we are 'addicted... and that is all we will ever be.' That attitude is a FAIL.
We live in a tension as men who desire to live pure lives. There is much healing that needs to take place in our lives... and you will find Pink Cross to be a great place for you to confess certain areas of your life so that healing can take place...
But Pink Cross can be a great place off accountability and encouragement to 'man up' for the fight. You are a warrior my friend.
Here's to the tension!!!
"Be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
"Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one.
"And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints...." Ephesians 6:10-18
Chadwick
Pink Cross Moderator
"Blessed are those who persevere under trial, because when they have stood the test, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
James 1:12
Hi billyjoel welcome to the forums. Its great to have you with us thanks for sharing your story. The storys will sound fasmiler. I was the same when I read peoples storys they have similar things going on. I also experienced that problem of unable to perform sexually. Porn messes us up in so many ways. If you stop looking you should get back to normal way of feelings. I pray that you will brake away from this habit. Deny yourself, stop doing it. God bless
Underoath
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
Hey fellas, it's been a few days. Two days after I placed my original post here, I failed to keep my promise. But since, I have been clean and porn-free. I am almost two weeks sober and I haven't had an intense urge yet. I'm praying daily that God will keep me strong. Feeling great!
There have been some urges, but I have beaten them back. The love of our Lord fills me up. I know I need nothing other than Him to keep me happy and whole. Still clean at 18 days.
Hey man, nice to meet you. You can do this, I know you can. You can do all things through Him.
I'm relatively new to abstaining - 35 days - but some things I've learned:
- You have to WANT IT. Really want it. Don't just do this because you know you should. That won't work.
One of the best things I did when I started this was to immerse myself in the video and audio material here. When you first start, you don't hate porn - you hate, perhaps, what it's done to you, but you don't hate the thing itself. Learn. Learn about what it does to people. Learn to hate it - and pray for God's help. You are, absolutely, a soldier.
- Make this forum topic, like mine and a few other guys, a regular thing. A counter. I usually show up and post a day count every 2 or 3 days. And a pointer? It helps if you do it in the morning - that way, you've already made the commitment TO US that you'll remain porn-free today.
- Tell someone. A real person. A buddy in a men's group, maybe - something like that. Someone who knows you at least marginally. You'll hear it a bunch on here, but when you do "come out" to someone you know, you feel much, much, MUCH better. That elephant on your chest will bounce right off. Trust me.
- Go to the "Wives of Porn Addicts" forum. Look around. Don't post, it's for women only. But read the stories of these women. How betrayed and hurt they feel. The kinds of insecurity, doubt and pain they experience. You won't like it. In fact, being a married man, you probably won't be able to help but imagine your wife in that situation as one of the posters. It's gonna hurt. But it's gonna help.
- Unplug a little. I find that, when I'm on my laptop, I'm more tempted because - from habit - it's almost a bit of a trigger. I find that I think about it less when I'm off busy doing something else. That doesn't mean you need to go Amish or anything - most of us work on computers.
But get outside. Heck, go buy an Xbox. Something other than sitting around and surfing the web.
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Now here's some motivation, man.
I know this isn't easy to hear, but if you keep this up, you're going to get caught. It really is just a matter of time. It will happen again. Think about how it felt when your wife nearly left you before. Do you think it's going to be that easy next time?
Porn and masturbation are two of the enemy's most oft-used tools, and he's wrecking people's lives with them.
But you serve a mighty, mighty God. The great I Am. Jehovah Nissi - The Lord Is Our Banner. Jehovah Rophe - The Lord Who Heals. Jehovah Shammah - The Lord Is There. He is wonderful, merciful, powerful, full of love, all-knowing, King of Kings. Jesus Christ.
Absolutely give everything you have to Him. Lean, rely, all your hope.
The Lord is your champion. You will prevail, you will survive and you will win.
God bless you, brother.
Thanks for the reply. I have seen how this has hurt my wife. I have read a few of the posts in the Wives' section and they are all too familiar. I know I am bound to get caught if I keep it up. Nobody can hide anything forever. Besides, no matter what I hide from people, God sees what I am doing. That alone strikes fear into my heart but somehow, up until now, it hasn't been enough to get me to quit altogether.
I really appreciate this place and the folks that put it together. I appreciate the brotherhood that I have seen amongst the men here. I know that standing together, with the help of God, we can all beat this thing...I will beat this thing.