You can’t remove yourself, from yourself, that’s my issue.....
I’m a 29 yr old female and I’ve been addicted to porn/sexually related material since I was a young child. This habit lead me into a very promiscuous lifestyle in my teens and early twenties and I have seen things and done things that will haunt my mind for the rest of my life. Nothing illegal mind you, just that I have been to depths I never thought I would go to. I’m sure that my depths could be nothing compared to someone else’s story, but we each have a line that we don’t think we’ll ever morally cross within ourselves. I have a very long story of how I became addicted to such a severity, but I won’t go into that here, at this time.
I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior when I was 14 and then I re-dedicated my life to Him about 3 years ago. I thought 3 years ago that I had been delivered from this addiction, but I quickly realized that while the frequency of watching porn and self-pleasuring decreased dramatically I still had the urges, fantasies, desires within me and I would give into them every few weeks or so. Sometimes the urges were very strong and others more mild. But I didn’t feel the hold on me like I used to when I used to watch it almost every day and self-release more than once per day. Going without it for a few weeks seemed like a miracle to me. Then instead of 1 time every 2 or 3 weeks it would end up lasting for days and I would stop going to church for weeks and months on end. I would have these mini breakdowns of crying and terrible guilt and begging God to forgive me and then it would be ok again for a while. I know it’s wrong, I completely agree with God that it’s a terrible sin, but I do it anyway, I have this feeling, the words in my mind that I shouldn’t be doing this and it will destroy my soul, but I do it anyways. And the stupid thing is that sometimes I don’t even have the desire, I just do it because I’m bored or because I’m so numb inside from pushing God away and tuning Him out that I just want to feel some bit of pleasure and I know this is a sure fire way of getting it.
I was always that person that said God can forgive anything, any sin, and I know that’s true, I have a very strong biblical foundation and I know everything that someone could say to someone in my situation and I know it would all be true, but inside I just feel dead now. I’ve had thoughts that I just don’t belong in this world anymore, but I’m afraid of the pain of dying. The only thing I’m more afraid of than dying is coming face to face with the one who died for me and seeing the utter disappointment swelling in His eyes that I didn’t live up to the life He had for me to live. The closer I get to God and the more I learn about who He is, it seems the more I look at myself and hate myself even more for who I am and what I’ve done before His sight. Even though when I’m in the midst of disobeying Him, I disregard that I know I’m doing this before Him, I know it, but I try and push it from my mind. I know that when you are a true child of God He will punish His children if they fall into sin if they choose to disregard the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Since this all began and now I know the severity of my sin, but I do it anyway, I am held accountable to a higher standard before Him and my punishment would be much worse than someone ignorant of it. My fear is that since this all started I have not seen any drastic punishment in my life, other than my own sabotaging and natural consequences of this addiction. If I’m really His child and I haven’t seen any major correction that I would know is from Him, then it scares me to think that He may not consider me His child at all. I have verbally and mentally accepted Jesus as my Savior and have cried and been touched in my soul by His presence, this was real and I know it was real because I could see evidence of it in my life, not by my own works. And it wasn’t something that just lasted for a day or week, it was at certain times throughout years. But I still wonder, maybe God doesn’t think of me as His child anymore and it really breaks my heart to think that could be so.
I grew up in a Christian home and had wonderful godly parents, went to church 3 times a week, went to a Christian school, had Christian friends, etc. You would think that porn would have been able to reach out and grab a child involved and surrounded by such loving religious influence, but you would be wrong. This disease, this evil, vile thing can reach anyone, any child, any man, boy, woman or girl and it will grip them and they could end up living with this for the rest of their lives no matter how much they try to get away from it. The images and stories will haunt your mind forever and even when you try to forget, they still come back, in your dreams in your conscious. I know that many people attribute these desires within them to be from the devil or from the atmosphere, and I partly agree on this, they do wreak havoc in this world and cause many to be addicted. But the more I see of me and the filth blackness of my heart the more I know internally that when the Bible says in Jeremiah 17:9 that “The heart is deceitful above all things, And desperately wicked; Who can know it?” that it is so true. Even we ourselves cannot comprehend the wickedness that we are capable of doing. Satan didn’t put these desires in me and Satan doesn’t force my hand or eyes to do what I do, I do. My nature wants what it wants and it’s the fighting against that nature and that it still exists even after I’m saved that causes me such devastation inside. I hate it and then I love it in the same breath and I can never get rid of it. Any other addiction you can remove yourself from, whether it’s alcohol, drugs, porn, but you can’t remove yourself, from yourself, that’s my issue. Thanks for listening. God’s blessing to you all :)
Comments
What you say makes much sense. But, don't let the deceiver do this to you.
Even though you have been saved, you must remember that you still have iniquity that resides within your soul. God comes to us quite often at moments when we are most in need. Just because he has given us His Saving Grace will never mean that you still do not have to work on yourself. We are all just works in progress. Sometimes pride gets in the way. I know this from my own experience. God touched me in a very meaningful way a number of years ago. I thought that meant the battle was over. It won't be until we are safe in HIs arms in Heaven. Unfortunately, it has just begun.
Also, please remember that the Evil One will come after you with a vengeance the moment you become closer to God. Think about it, why would he mess with you when you were happy to be living a sinful life? It is when we start to be repulsed by our sin that he will come out in force.
But, remember this, feeling guilty about your sinfulness is a good thing.
I still have my own issues. So that is the best I can do for now. I am engaged in the battle.
I won't give up and I hope you will not either.
God Bless you,
Rowan
Hi Rowan,
Thanks so much for the encouraging words! I actually have been feeling pretty good for the past few days and have just been trying to focus on who He is and not what I am. I think this struggle really frustrates us at times. I have allowed myself to get deeper into at times, just because I think "we'll I've already messed up big time again and I might as well really mess it up even further." Kind of like that saying "If you're going to go down, might as well go down in flames" Well that statement is true and also sad, it means to me that we're going down into the pit of hell again, because that is where this awfulness comes from, straight from the pit of hell.
When I first re-dedicated my life a few years I was so intense in just consuming everything spiritual (books, music, sermons, etc.) and the presence of the Holy Spirit was so close and I would always be crying at everything, a song, a book, a message and I knew it the presence of the Holy Spirit that was making me sensitive to those things that were from Him. It was like there was this quieting of my spirit and this calm of just drawing near and being able to glimpse His heart for me and for the world. It was a really beautiful time and I miss that. I know that this road of recovery and struggle to do the right thing every day is something that we have to make an effort to do every day without fail. Even if I don't feel like reading my Bible, I have to. I just want to keep filling up and filling up with Him so that all the bad stuff can be pushed out.
I don't know how it is for you, but I've never told anyone about this until I posted about it here and if anyone ever knew they would be shocked because I'm that girl next door kind of person, appears nice, goes to church (most of the time when I'm not in the depression from ruining my life with bad decisions) and people would be shocked. I don't want them to know. People are human and no matter how Godly or righteous they think they are, or how forgiving, there will always be that stigma of "oh, you struggle with sexual issues, huh?..hmmm.." and then those people always look side-ways at you from there on out. I love that there is this forum, no one really understands the depths of this, unless they have been involved in it. I'm not happy that you or anyone else has this struggle, but I'm comforted to see that I'm not alone and there are other women out there who are facing the same battle.
God Bless You!
hs77
Hi, hs;
Welcome to the boards!
You are definitely not alone. Lots of women struggle with this, but the enemy doesn't want you to know that. He wants you to think that you're totally alone, so that he can make you feel guilty and ashamed, and keep you from reaching out to others. He is the accuser of the brethren, and he comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Don't listen to him!!! The Bible says that we have an advocate in Jesus Christ...a high priest who can sympathize with our struggles. Jesus knows the struggle that you're going through. He knows your heart. He did not save you to condemn you, but to help you:
1 John 3:20 For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.
You had mentioned that you were not sure if you were a child of God or not because God wasn't chastening you. Perhaps the nagging guilt you are feeling is God's way of chastening you. I know that guilt is an awful thing to carry, so perhaps God is using this as a way of chastening you. If you weren't a child of God, you wouldn't be feeling this way. God does not want you to live in condemnation....He wants to set you free from this stronghold in your life; even so, God will sometimes use guilt as a way of removing us from our sin....It's His way of pruning us, so that we produce more fruit for Him.
I would suggest buying some books on the Holy Spirit. It sounds like that's what you really need....to learn how to walk in the Spirit. Walking in the Spirit is walking in victory, and until we learn how to walk in the Spirit, we will not be able to overcome the sin that keeps us in bondage.
Gal. 5:16 I say then, walk in the Spirit, and you will not fulfill the desires of the flesh
You are so right when you say that you can't remove yourself from yourself. The only one who can remove us from ourselves is Jesus Christ. It takes a total transformation of the mind to overcome sexual sin, and we can't transform ourselves. Christ has to transform us, through His Spirit and His Word.
Have you ever read the book of Romans in it's entirety? I know that it's a hard book to read, but it's easier of you have a commentary. You might try reading Matthew Henry's commentaries. I've also been listening to the commentary by David Hocking, and it is excellent. The book of Romans talks all about this subject....how the flesh and the Spirit are at war with one another.
The thing is, if you are ever going to get victory over this, then you must learn how to walk in the Spirit. The reason why our flesh is so powerful is because we are separated from God. When we come to Him, He indwells us with His Spirit, and we no longer have a desire to sin. We have a desire for holiness, but because the carnal nature still exists within us, we still need the resources and tools necessary for fulfilling this desire. That's where the Holy Spirit comes in. He doesn't abolish this desire, but He helps us to overcome it.
The issue is this....which is stronger within us, the Spirit or the flesh. Whatever is the strongest, that's what will direct our actions.
If you ever want any of us to pray for you, you can always put your request in the Prayer Request forums. There are some powerful prayer warriors on this site, and they will be more than happy to lift up any needs you may have.
Well, I hope this helped somewhat. Please continue to let us know how you are doing.
Many blessings
April
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Ps. 108:13 Through the Lord we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
Hi hs77,
I can really sympathize with you in not wanting to tell anybody about your struggles. I'm in the same position and feel people would be too shocked and there would be a lot of stigma. I read recently about a study that found 50% of male christians and 38% of female christians were addicted to porn, its a huge problem, so you certainly are not alone.
The good thing that you have going for you is that like myself you have experienced in the past a period where you had a strong thirst for everything spiritual (sermons, christian books etc) and felt a real closeness to God. Remember that scripture about sowing to the spirit and you will not want to satisfy the cravings of your lower nature? I know that before i fell fully into lusting at porn times of strong temptation came when i had been slack with prayer and bible reading for a few days. We really can't do it in our own strength, the ability to be tempted will always be there until the day when we are with the Lord. So i guess its a determined decision to fill our minds and hearts again with God's renewing word and spirit and get up again after occassional lapses that will do it. I can definitely relate to the "i've already messed up big time i may as well mess it up further and get my full satisfaction" mentality. Sometimes if i fell into porn one night i would say "stuff it, how will i ever get free from this?" and spend the next few days in a binge when the true christian thing to do is to get up next morning and repent and seek God more fervently.
I don't think you need to worry about whether you are really christian or not, God will never ignore those who really seek Him whether they were half-hearted or clung to sin in the past. Its true that God disciplines His children and the fact that as you said you can't see it (the punishment) doesn't mean that it hasn't happened. Sin makes us spiritually blind and insensitive to the Holy Spirit, isn't that punishment in itself? I hope none of this come across as preaching down to you, i'm trying to encourage myself also. One thing i've found that has really motivated me to get serious about quiting is reading and listening to Shelley Lubben about the true evil side of the porn industry. If you haven't done this already i strongly encourage you to do it, we need that knowledge to help us hate the sin.
God bless you