Want To Give Up? A Life-giving Response....

I really like what you shared. I struggle to come to Jesus especially in my low, dark moments of discouragement and despair and frustration. I feel like the words "know" and "come" are jumping out at me in the bible, so I know God is trying to teach me about truly knowing Him and truly coming to Him, no matter if I have failed Him yet again. To know Him as a compassionate and gracious and loving God, not as the One who is angry and disappointed with me and wants nothing to do with me. Thanks.

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine!...I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...You are precious and honored in my eyes, and I love you...do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Is.43:4-5)

Hi, Tonya;

I wanted to respond to what you wrote, because I am wondering. Do you know why it is that you struggle to come to Jesus in your most disparaging moments? A lot of times, there are things that hold us back, and a lot of it is stuff from our past.

I know that for me, I had a lot of walls built up, and I had to really allow Christ to break down those walls. There is also the fear factor. I notice that in your post, you said I know God is trying to teach me about truly knowing Him and truly coming to Him, no matter if I have failed Him yet again. This really struck me, because I know that with me, if I felt that i really failed the Lord, I would be almost afraid to come to Him -- not really afraid because of punishment or anything, but just afraid I guess out of shame, and I know a huge part of it was me not wanting to face the fact that I had failed again. It was almost like a fear of having to face the Lord, because I was so afraid I had disappointed Him.

It's almost like not wanting to confront the situation, you know, like in your mind you know the Lord is forgiving and loving, but its almost a matter of not wanting to forgive yourself.

Does that make sense? What are your thoughts? If this sounds like something similar to what you are going through, I can let you know what helped me. I am just curious as to why you feel such an intimidation....It's almost like we know He's loving and forgiving, but we're not accustomed to that.

Beloved Branch
Moderator/Admin
Pink Cross Forums
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies

Yeah, I don't know if I'm afraid of punishment either, but I do believe I have a lot of shame issues, and feeling unworthy. I do beat myself up a lot over stuff, call myself names or describe myself/my actions in a really negative way. I remember when I went on a total fast and was alone for weekend in December, I was reading a book, "Living for God" by Charles Finney. I didn't read the whole book, but I read to one chapter about 'Total Submission', and at the end of the chapter, it had a story about a father with a rebellious and stubborn son. Let me just quote from it:

"He loved his son and longed to have him virtuous and obedient. But the child seemed to harden his heart against his repeated efforts. Finally, the poor father was discouraged and burst into a flood of tears. 'My son! What can I do? Can I save you? I have done all that I can to save you! What more can I do?'
The son had never yielded to the rod. But when he saw the tears rolling down his father's cheeks and heard his sobs, he, too, burst into tears. He cried out, 'Whip me father! But don't cry!' The father had found the way to subdue that stubborn heart. Instead of holding the iron hand of law over him, he poured out his soul before him. And what was the effect? To crush him into hypocritical submission? No, the rod did that. That gushing of tears of his father's love broke him down at once to true submission to his father's will. The sinner braves the wrath of almighty God and hardens himself to receive the heaviest bolt of thunder. Then he sees the love of his heavenly Father's heart. When he sees God manifested in the flesh, stooping to take human nature, hanging on the cross, and pouring his soul in tears, bloody sweat, and death, his heart melts. He cries out, 'Do anything else, and I can bear it; but the love of the blessed Jesus overwhelms me.'"

When I read the part: "The sinner braves the wrath of almighty God and hardens himself to receive the heaviest bolt of thunder...." that is the part that made me cry. I just broke down. I am not quite yet at the point where I get a revelation of the love of Jesus on the cross, dying for me. I haven't come to the place of being broken down about that yet. I don't know why. It hasn't penetrated yet. But that passage really spoke to me.
Tonya

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine!...I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...You are precious and honored in my eyes, and I love you...do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Is.43:4-5)

Here's a simple question: Have you ever asked the Lord to help you with this -- to reach down into your heart and manifest this divine revelation to you directly?

Reading books is good, but sometimes it takes a direct work of the Holy Spirit for it to really "penetrate." Also, the word "penetrate" is interesting because the word itself implies that there are some barriers there. Do you ever feel like there are barriers around your heart that keep you from realizing these truths at the deepest levels?

It sounds to me like something is hindering you from fully receiving this love.

Beloved Branch
Moderator/Admin
Pink Cross Forums
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies

I have felt like I do have walls up around my heart, yes. I have told people and some friends and my husband, "I feel like I have a heart of stone; a walled up heart". I like how Dan Allender talked in his book, "The wounded heart" that we put up walls of self-protection. Yes, I do have walls up...I do have a pretty good idea of at least some of them. How to get them down, no idea. I've been praying that God would fulfill Ezekiel 36:26-26 for me personally: "I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit in you and move you to follow My decrees and be careful to keep My laws". {I know that God did fulfill it thru Jesus. But it hasn't become my personal reality yet; I haven't received it...hence, the barrier needs to be removed somehow}

I even have a song from these verses in Ezek. 36: 22-32:

"For the Sake of Your Holy Name"

For the sake of Your Holy Name
The holiness of Your great Name
Which we have profaned among the many nations
You will show Yourself holy
Thru us before the nations
Then they will know that You are the Lord

Holy, Holy, Holy (3 times)
For the sake of Your holy name
Holy, Holy, Holy (3 times)
For the sake of Your holy name

Cleanse us with water
Cleanse our impurities
No more idolatry
Remove our hearts of stone
And give us a heart of flesh

(Repeat chorus) (Holy, Holy, Holy...)

Put Your Spirit in us
Move us to follow You
Move us to obey You
Then we will be Your people
And You will be our God

(Repeat chorus) (Holy, Holy, Holy...)

Yes, I do feel something is hindering me, has been for so long, and quite frustrated with what to do to change that. I want to receive God's love. Anything you and others can share to help me seek God, scriptures, something that will help me to come a place of finally receiving His love, I am open to suggestions.

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine!...I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...You are precious and honored in my eyes, and I love you...do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Is.43:4-5)

Dear Beloved Branch and Tonya,

First of all Tonya- no matter where you are right now whether you sense His love in that way or not, you are loved!! He sees you no better no worse. I can't say that enough. You are loved and FOUGHT for every single day-His eagerness to fight for you is just as fresh now as it was from day one. From the day He created you He qualified you-because of His love- He knew what was to take place, and it didn't surprise or overwhelm Him. I am believing you will experience the fullness of His love in His perfect time for you - perhaps it may look different. That is okay.

Let me share this and I share this with a whole lot of love and serious understanding. Often times interacting with God - in this part of the phase can come with a lot of fear and anxiety. There is truth in the statement that fear has to do with punishment. The fear of being shamed or disqualified or even rejected by the choices we've made can be devastating-I share this cause I have been there and even now there are times where those feelings come up and I have to reject them and remember and declare who I am in Christ-even if I don't feel it.

In our perception, we often view God somewhat like we view our earthly dad's or even some male / female figure who may have cared for us. Why? Their care or lack of goes to the deepest parts of ourselves - our DNA and our hearts. It is like our heart documents the way we were treated and ends up holding all the hurt and anger that come with being treated wrongly. That can be a part of the blockage. So when the Lord-a FATHER gently knocks and waits to be invited in, it can be really scary-it is like our heart is screaming...I do not want to be treated like that again! It is self preservation...If we experienced much distance in our younger years - sometimes we might assume the Lord is really distant. If we experienced abandonment or rejection, we sometimes may think that God the Father habitually does the same thing when we do something wrong and even if we do something right. Though we may not state it, our actions and how we operate show our fear.

Perhaps that is why God has been so patient with us. He understands that fragile place in our hearts and keeps patiently, gently, persistently showing us love in different ways - even in times we are was not able to fully receive it or see it. It is almost like we are unconsciously testing to see whether He will be a man of His word. HE IS!

Later on down the road I was able to see His love, But I do agree that there was blockage. I think it is really wise - even if you are afraid right now to openly share that with Jesus. He already knows, but it stirs His heart when you are open with Him. He will not shame you. Again, I say He will not shame you-but He is eager to show you His love and mercy. You can let Him know how you really feel. Ask Him what may be keeping you from receiving His love as Beloved Branch suggested. Jesus is faithful, even more faithful than our closest friends will or could ever be. He even promises that if you seek Him you will find Him as you seek Him with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

I just want to say that for years I had blockage that kept me from seeing God's love in the ways described in this vision. In fact for years I couldn't even get a clear image of who God truly was in my life. I am 31 now, and I have only begun to see God's love like this in the last three years! What did it take? I got to the point where I let God know I was desperate for Him and if He didn't show up I would utterly fail. I also had to really begin to let God help me keep my eyes open to what He was doing in my life because it was so easy for me to keep my eyes closed and my heart hardened. Sometimes we are asked to sever somethings in our lives that may make our hearts hard. To bind these things in Jesus name and to lay them at His feet.

Examples: These are just a few blockages

Unhealthy relationships
Vows that were destructive
Things that we idolize
Old perceptions that are negative
Unforgiveness
Bitterness and grudges that were never dealt with

Here is something key too! The Holy Spirit does a lot more than we know in setting us free to see His love. WHY? The Spirit of God has been searching the deepest parts of God....His heart and even His thoughts toward us. It is the Holy Spirit's job to reveal that to us! That is why the Holy Spirit also plays such a huge key role in helping you see Abba Father in His fullness.

Love you...and am for you.

I really appreciate both you and belovedbranch ministering and encouraging me here. Thanks! Your words are so gentle and compassionate and loving, I truly feel you guys represent all that Jesus wanted from His brothers and sisters...."They will know that you are My disciples by your love for one another" (John 13:35)

Faithfullyloved, everything you said bears witness with me and I can relate to. I do know that God dealt with me some in 2008 about how I connected God with my father, feeling like I could not really receive from God His blessings, cuz I felt a lack of intimate relationship like with my father...my father would buy things for me, but didn't take time to really be with me, have a relationship with me. My father put his walls up long ago after his 3rd wife died and hasn't been the same since, and I still struggle with that. All our conversations are short and I don't feel like my father is able/willing to open his heart to me. So I realized I perceived God the same way. But obviously God needs to go deeper cuz I haven't overcome that yet, with either my father or God.

I do have issues with men in general, two in my past were particularly hurtful to me in relationships, my present one has been affected by it and other issues...so I do have a lot of unresolved hurts and fears and angers that I find next to impossible to work thru alone. I just have to tell God I can't, cuz every time I want to try, I back out, every time. I need God's grace with these issues that I can't bring myself to deal with.

I do feel like I have cried out to God to reveal His love for me so that I can see it, but nevertheless, I will do it again, perhaps differently, and keep crying out to Him and seeking Him until He is able to break thru and remove my walls of self-protection so I can receive His love. And I do realize that it is the Holy Spirit who will reveal the things of God to me. I can't really put into words all that I want to say. I just want to be free and whole! I am encouraged that Philippians 1:6 says, "...He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."

Thanks to you both.
Blessings,
Tonya

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine!...I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...You are precious and honored in my eyes, and I love you...do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Is.43:4-5)

Tonya -- A lot of what you are saying reminds me so much of King David's words in Ps. 63:1 -- My soul thirsts for You; My flesh longs for You, in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water.

I can really tell that deep down in the pit of your soul, you desire to know and experience the fullness of God's grace and love. First of all, I just want to say that God will honor that. I think a lot of times, it is so easy for us to forget that God knows us on the deepest level. He knows and understands the innermost desires of our hearts -- and your desire to know and experience His love on that deeper level. Furthermore, He knows and understands what exactly is holding you back -- even better than you do.

I know that I have not experienced God's love in all of its fullness (I'm not sure any of us really can), but I can tell you that those times when God does manifest His love to me, inasmuch as I can really comprehend, it can be a very overwhelming experience. It's almost as though you are so overpowered by His love that your emotions don't know how to handle it. There are times when I feel the love of God so intensely, that all I can do is weep....and I also know that he is not revealing that love in all of it's fullness, because if that were the case, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Our finite emotons just cannot grasp something as infinite as God's love, so He reveals it to us inasmuch as we can grasp and comprehend.

Even so, it took a lot of healing in me before God was able to do this. It's sort of like this:

Say like you spend your life living behind a brick wall, not being
exposed to any sunlight. The sun cannot get through, because there are all those bricks that are plastered together. If you take one brick away, some of the sunlight will peek through-- not much, but more than before. The more bricks you take away, the more sunlight is able to come through.

Now, say if instead of taking the wall apart brick by brick, someone just comes and demolishes the whole wall at once. If you have been living behind that brick wall for years, being exposed to that much sunlight at once will be quite a shock, and your eyes probably couldn't take it.

It's sort of the same thing with God's revelation to us. If we experience a lotof hurt, we tend to build walls of protection around our hearts as a defense mechanism. We don't allow anyone to come close to us for fear of being hurt, so we don't experience pain, but neither do we experience love either. It's these walls that can keep us from receiving the gift of God in all its fullness. The longer these walls stay up, the less able we are to experience real emotion. If God were to demolish this wall all at once and allow us to experience the fullness of His love, we'd probably wouldn't know how to handle it. Instead, sometimes, He has to slowly take the wall apart, brick by brick --and it can be a very painful experience.

You start to experience Christ's love gradually, and it is a process. It takes time. Cerebrally, you know that God's love is infinite, and you know all the promises, but it isn't until your heart is fully open and ready to receive that love that you are able to experience it....not because God isn't extending it to you, but because of the healing that needs to take place.

In my own experience, it was almost as though I had to make myself vulnerable and exposed to God. If this makes sense to you, I can elaborate and tell you how I was able to start doing that -- if not, then we'll see if maybe something else is hindering you.

What do you think?

Beloved Branch
Moderator/Admin
Pink Cross Forums
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies

You are right, Belovedbranch, I agree that God knows me even better than I know myself. He knows the deepest things of my inmost being, my deepest pains and fears and such, and what exactly is/are the barriers preventing me from receiving all that He has for me. I am anxious for Him to get my wall/barrier removed, cuz feel like I've been waiting all my life! But for whatever reason it hasn't happened yet, I know God must have a reason, does have a plan, and has been working behind the scenes, waiting for the pieces to fall into place. Lots of my dreams keep reminding me of things like God's heart and His ways, His love...hard to explain it all.

I do think I understand your analogy about being behind a brick wall with no sunlight, and needing one brick to be removed at a time, so as to allow our eyes to adjust to the light again, rather than all at once which would be overwhelmingly blinding. Makes sense.

So God knows He can't get His love thru to my heart cuz of my wall, so He wants to remove pieces one at a time and then I can experience His love a little at a time? And somehow, somewhere in the process He brings healing? Is that about right?

So you had to make yourself vulnerable/exposed to God. What exactly did you do?

I have had "dreams" of something happening that causes me to break down. For example, lately I've been dreaming about seeing a childhood pix of mine in the newspaper with the headline about a gymnastics coach accused of molesting young girls and trying to find other victims and posting pix of unknown girls from many years ago, wanting them to come forward. I see the newspaper with my pix and immediately get emotional, and my father calls and is upset and wanted to know why I never told him, I was afraid he was mad at me, and I'm getting more and more emotional and shaking and feel like a dam is breaking and a gutteral, deep, painful, uncontrollable cry is trying to break through and I'm frightened and want someone to hold me; I feel like a child. I've had that feeling once in a while, feeling like such a deep overwhelming gutteral cry like when I gave birth to my kids...but somehow something just makes it stop, I can't fully let it go, or something.

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine!...I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...You are precious and honored in my eyes, and I love you...do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Is.43:4-5)

Haven't heard back from ya, belovedbranch about what you did to make yourself vulnerable/open to God to allow Him to start the healing process?

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine!...I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...You are precious and honored in my eyes, and I love you...do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Is.43:4-5)

That would be awesome to hear! Thanks Beloved Branch for your insights. :)

Sorry about the delay in getting back with you both. I have been really tired over the past few days, not on the computer much...just trying to rest.

Anyhow, yes, I'd be happy to share what worked for me. Like you, I also had a lot of walls built up, and like you, I really didn't know how to receive God's love, either. Even more than that, though, I realize that at the time, before God started really working in me, one of the major things that was holding me back was my serious lack of understanding of what God's love really was. I mean, as a concept, I sort of had a definition of love, but I didn't really understand or comprehend what it truly was. Because of a lifetime full of bad relationships and having to earn the approval and love of others, my view of love was completely skewed. I wanted so badly to receive God's love, but how could I receive something that I didn't even really understand? God had to literally re-define the whole concept of love for me....rather than me having to work for it, as i was used to in all of my human relationships, I had to learn how to receive it freely, with no strings attached. This was one of the major barriers for me -- trying to learn how to receive that love unconditionally.

I basically had to allow God to re-define love in my mind, and He did this through His word. A huge part of this was seriously reading and meditating on passages about the love of God, His acceptance....just really making an effort to fully understand the nature of His love. I think Rom. 12:2 is such a key verse, because I literally did have to allow God to transform my thinking in this respect....my understanding of His love, so that I could truly receive it, instead of trying to earn it like I did in the past.

I really think that understanding the nature of God's love was so key for me in receiving it. A lot of it had to do with realizing that God truly wanted to pour this love out upon me. In Luke 12:32 Jesus says that it is God's good pleasure to give us the Kingdom. I like to apply this Scripture to His love also -- it is God's good pleasure to pour out His love and blessings upon us. Realizing that He does this because it is His nature, and that we are pleasing and blessing God by accepting that love, really opened the door for me to receive it. In my heart I wanted to please Him, and knowing that by receiving His love I was pleasing Him, gave me a real motive to receive it. God wants to give us His love unconditionally, but I wanted to receive it conditionally, still trying to do things to earn it, just like I had in the past. In order to receive God's love, I literally had to transform my mind and my understanding of unconditional love.

Even when we build up walls that are impenetrable to everyone else, God's strength is more than sufficient to break them down. I know that with me, He really started to break them down when I completely surrendered myself to Him. By this I mean just giving myself over completely to Him -- just expressing myself and my emotions to Him as best I knew how and having faith that He would understand my weaknesses, or inability to express myself.

A lot of times, we have a tendency to hold back from God. I did that without even realizing it. There was stuff in my heart that was holding me back, and one thing I learned was really allowing Him to search me and bring to light whatever was hidden and impeding. This meant being completely honest. I had to admit to Him that I really didn't know myself, or why I couldn't receive His love. I put my complete trust in Him to break down those walls. So, I guess you could say it was complete surrender and trust. Sometimes we say that we trust God, but deep inside, we still have reservations. Sometimes, we don't even know we have those reservations -- but God does. Ps. 139:23,24 are 2 of my favorite verses, and this is the kind of mentality that I brought before the Lord. I just basically surrendered everything to Him -- even the secret parts of my heart that I didn't have a real awareness of.

It's basically about just getting on your knees and admitting to the Lord that you are weak and without understanding. I know that for me, I would see how certain things manifested themselves in my life -- character traits or what-not, the evil thoughts that would arise -- and I hated it, yet it was almost like it had become a part of me...that mode of thinking. I remember the first time the Lord really spoke to me, and gave me peace. I was having a really hard time with bitterness, and I reached a point of frustration where I finally just laid on my bed and literally wept before the Lord, telling Him that I knew I was sinning but I didn't know why I felt these emotions, why my nature was so corrupt. I was literally crying to Him in desperation, and I imagined in my mind me kneeling at His altar, pouring out my soul before Him. For the first time, I felt comfortable pouring out my soul before Him -- not intimidated or ashamed, even though I was ashamed of my sin, I knew that He knew my heart anyway, and that I couldn't hide my heart or feelings from Him. That was the first time I was completely honest and open before Him, and that was when He started leading me into a state of brokenness, and through that brokenness I was able to find healing, because that's when He started breaking those walls down.

So then, I guess that what worked for me was coming to that point of complete brokenness before God, and completely laying everything at His feet.

As you described, it was a gradual healing process. After that, it was as though everytime I would come to Him in deep prayer, I would start weeping...and I didn't really know why, it was as though I was so overwhelmed with emotion, that's the only way I knew how to express myself. I still weep, not as much, but I also know that the Lord has done much healing in me, and that weeping was just part of the healing process....and everytime I would weep, God would just embrace me with His Holy Spirit, and there were times when it really hurt in my heart, but it was as though God was saying that this was stuff I needed to deal with. God was healing me from the inside-out. I really think it was God helping me to release a lot of pent-up emotions that I hadn't dealt with.

If there is stuff that you are struggling with, just lay it at the feet of God. Ask God to bring you to that place of brokenness, and for Him to reveal to you just what is holding you back from receiving the fullness of His love. The Bible says that God reaches down to those who are broken before Him. Beg and plead for God to bring you to that place of brokenness, and ask Him to reveal Himself to you, and His amazing love, in all its fullness.

I hope that this all makes sense.

Beloved Branch
Moderator/Admin
Pink Cross Forums
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies

I was wondering why I didn't hear back from ya. I kept waiting anxiously! But I can definitely understand tiredness and needing to rest! I get that a bit! :) With being a stay at home mom of four younguns between 3 and 9, homeschooling, and housework and cooking...whew, I get worn out!

Thanks for the response. I did get emotional, crying after I read it and was just sitting down rereading it and thinking about what you said. I think part of me is afraid of breaking down and being broken and weeping/sobbing, etc. It's kind of frightening and overwhelming, even though I know it will be a healing process, but still scary. Scared of what God may need to do to get me to a place of brokeness where He can finally bring my walls down. Scared of emotional pain. Even though I know He won't do anything more than I can bear and that He is a good God and loves me, etc, ...still, its hard. I find myself wanting someone with me to help me thru it (someone to hold me when I've broken down), someone I'm comfortable with and trust. Can't think of anyone I know well that I feel comfortable with. But I did pray for God to help me with the things you mentioned, about searching my heart and mind and revealing what's there, removing my wall--heart of stone, bringing me to a place of truly understanding His love, and a place of brokeness where He can heal me, all of that. By God's grace only.
Thanks for sharing. I'd like to try to keep posting here about what I feel God is working in my heart and scriptures He lays on my heart, so I can stay on track and not keep avoiding/procrastinating. :)

Blessings,
Tonya

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine!...I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...You are precious and honored in my eyes, and I love you...do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Is.43:4-5)

What jumped out before and I really like, is where you (faithfullyloved) talk about:

"You are loved and FOUGHT for every single day-His eagerness to fight for you is just as fresh now as it was from day one"

Funny enough in my dreams, I often dream about telling street kids, "I'm fighting for you because you are worth fighting for! That is God's love!". So I really like that, that God loves us enough to fight for us. It's one thing for me to dream about saying that to street kids, but not sure if I feel like I am (worth fighting for). Don't really know what to think or feel about that in relation to me at all.

The other thing you talked about with fear and shame...big with me too. I feel like I have something in me wanting to share more, but really drawing a blank right now. But will keep posting, cuz I really want to keep seeking God and getting to the place of receiving all He has for me. I'm 40 now. It's time! Just like the Israelites of old. :)

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine!...I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...You are precious and honored in my eyes, and I love you...do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Is.43:4-5)

You are so welcome. As I said, that was how the Lord broke through to me. I understand that everyone is different, and the same tactics may not be effective for every single person. Even so, as faithfullyloved also said, it definitely sounds like there is some blockage.

I have been reading your comments, and it sounds to me like you might also be struggling with a lack of trust, as I also did. I know that before God broke me down and brought me to that place, I had a real hard time with trust. There were certain things that I did trust God with, but when it came to things like my heart and my emotions, I just wasn't able to give myself over completely to Him because I didn't completely trust Him. I mean, my will was present -- I wanted to trust Him, but something in my heart was impeding that. A lot of it was fear. I had been so hurt before, especially by my father, that it was hard for me to really put that kind of trust in anyone, and especially a "Heavenly Father." A lot of times, the walls that we build we build because we don't trust anyone enough to let them inside....to let them see who we really are.

1 John 4:18 says that perfect love casts out fear. I love this verse, because it reminds me that whatever fears I may have, that God's love is stronger than any of our fears....even the deep-seeded ones that we've sort of held onto. We are afraid of being hurt, but the Bible says that God's love is perfect. It is totally capable of conquering any fears we might have. We just have to learn how to trust in His love, so that we may let go of those fears.

I know what you're saying about being afraid of God breaking you, but you know what? When He broke me, I didn't have anyone there -- I was totally alone in my room, but God was there, and He was the one who held me and comforted me. I just want to encourage you, Tonya, because you have nothing to be afraid of, my friend. God is not going to break you down and bring you to that point without also lending you His comfort. 2 Cor. 1:3 tells us that God is the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. He loves you, and wants you to receive His beautiful gift of love that He died on the cross for, in order that you may receive -- You just have to trust Him enough to receive it.

One thing that you might want to start doing, if you don't already, is to keep a journal. I have found that when I am really in the thick of things, journaling really helps. Ask God to guide you as you journal. I really think this is something practical you can do to help you as you sort through all of this with the Lord.

I love how you are really seeking the Lord with your whole heart on this. God will honor that. He loves you, and even though you feel you haven't fully received His love, He is still waiting there to give it to you. If I can just say one last thing...if the time ever comes when you feel that God is starting to break you, don't fight it -- just allow Him to, because that means He is doing a work in you. You don't have to be afraid. Just trust in Him.

I hope this makes sense :)

Beloved Branch
Moderator/Admin
Pink Cross Forums
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies

Right on! I loved how you (Beloved Branch) mentioned that the process of recovery and deliverance is different for each person- it can also be similar. The thing that remains unchanging is Jesus in the midst of it all...but even Christ, who is still the same, has many ways of communicating and demonstrating truth and love. He knows that each person has a set of different experiences, circumstances and even personalities. He knows where your heart hurts and where it is most damaged and He is most effective one at restoring those parts.

This section written by Beloved Branch is also really important to notice:

"I know what you're saying about being afraid of God breaking you, but you know what? When He broke me, I didn't have anyone there -- I was totally alone in my room, but God was there, and He was the one who held me and comforted me. I just want to encourage you, Tonya, because you have nothing to be afraid of, my friend. God is not going to break you down and bring you to that point without also lending you His comfort."

A lot of how God raises us up, happens one-on-one. I think He wants us not only to get encouragement from one another, but to get it directly from Him, so that you know without a doubt-He is FOR you individually. There is no better thing than to hear the Lord share truth and love directly to you. Just want you to know that when you choose to lean on Jesus - and depend on Him, it goes to the deepest parts of His heart. He is stirred in ways we will never understand. He went to the cross so that this kind of exchange of love and life could happen between us and Him forever-that is how crazy He is about us! It is seriously the best Valentine! Love unafraid also means that you realize that the fear is linked to punishment-perhaps of past mistakes. Praise Him that He took it to the cross. It is comforting to know He is stronger than our fear and helps us learn what it means to live and love unafraid.

Another thing about breaking down...It can be scary too because it can feel like dying. I remember it well, but nothing compares to having God breathe life back into you - not the old life, but the new. You can't measure being raised back to life directly from Him.

Tonya, He keeps doing good things in and through you.
Psalm 107 really gives some beautiful examples of His consistent love.

Oh and one more thing wahoo-just got up from a nap. I am soooo excited to share this with you and I never post this much at once on the site. This must be a special day hee ha! The verse that struck just now about dying begins like this. "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it DIES, it produces many seeds." John 12:24

I thought of a real-life example. There is this particular seed, I think, in the South American rain forest. If I am wrong about the region correct me. I saw this on the Discovery Channel years ago, but as the seed falls to the ground it cannot break open and begin to have life sprout from it until it actually comes in contact with fire and gets burned. These hard shells hold seeds that produce trees lasting around hundred years. Crazy huh? During that time few forest fires occur, the heat from the fire breaks open the seeds' outer hard shell without destroying the inside. After the fire dies down the plant is able to begin germinating. I was so blown away by that reality - it is very much like recovery.

We get to die to the old habits, to the old pattern of thinking and functioning, to the lies we have heard from others/enemy that can take a while-just like how a forest fire takes a while to die down. Once that initial breakthrough takes place, we can begin receiving God's love in a way that not just awes us, but nourishes us. We are positioned to receive and feed off of His love. So yeah there is the hearing stage then there is the eating stage where we take in the promises and the demonstrations of His goodness. It becomes not just a testimony of someone else, but our own life's never ending story.

I am just asking God to give me the grace to do what I can't. I've tried counseling off and on for years, since I was a teen. Every time, I never stuck with it. I always backed out. Always. So I know I need God's grace! I'm praying that He will give me the grace to just surrender myself to Him and allow Him to lead me to the place where God is able to break/remove my wall and start the healing process. And that I will know that His perfect love casts out my fear and that I can trust Him and know He is with me and will not leave me nor forsake me, but He will be there with me to show His compassion and comfort. When the breaking is taking place, I pray that He will give me grace to not resist/fight it, but let Him do His work in me so I can finally be free and start healing and be whole!

I love that song, with the words, "Your grace is enough, Your grace is enough, Your grace is enough for me, for me..." That song has been on my mind more lately.

Thanks for your words of encouragement and all you both are sharing!
Blessings to you both in the Lord,
Tonya

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine!...I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...You are precious and honored in my eyes, and I love you...do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Is.43:4-5)

I don't know if ya'll know the song well. I do know that Leann Rimes has sung it, as well. The song really speaks to me, cuz I think it really speaks of the struggle to know God's love and receive it, particularly when you've been quite wounded by life.

The first part talks about each of our different perceptions/- definitions of love, based on our experiences with life. We may feel love is like a river that drowns us, a razor that cuts us and makes us bleed, or a hunger that never seems to feel satisfied or filled. Then the song defines love as being like a flower, and I suppose a loved one (boyfriend/husband) who is the seed. I personally feel there can only be one true seed, that would be God Himself, because He is love. We love because He first loved us. Only because of Him can we truly love.

Then the song talks about the part I can really relate to, "It's the heart afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance. It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance. It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give. And the soul, afraid of dying, that never learns to live."

That is the perfect description of the heart that is walled up behind hurts and fears and wounds; a heart of stone, "protected" by a self-protective wall. Its a heart afraid of breaking, refusing to take risks, refusing to trust God and obey. It's the one who won't be taken and will not give, unless it is fairly sure it won't get hurt. It's a soul afraid of dying, and never learns to live. Wow! How Jesus wants us to LIVE! He came to give us life. He came to bring healing to our wounds.

I like how Bette Midler ends the song with encouragement: "Just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow, lies the seed that with the sun's love (God's love), in the spring, it becomes a rose."
I love that. Hope. Encouragement. God's love always hopes, always believes, always perseveres. Love never fails. He can make a rose come up out of bitter snow-- He causes all things to work together for good.

Truly a simple, but beautiful song.

Help me Lord.

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine!...I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...You are precious and honored in my eyes, and I love you...do not be afraid, for I am with you." (Is.43:4-5)