I find it...relaxing....
I've always had this problem with pornography ever since I was...I think maybe 8-10 I don't remember.
My personal life well... Pretty good...I guess.
I've always been christian. Born again. Accepted Jesus as my savior. Been baptized. Use to go the church every weekend.
I have a mother and father that love me just not with each other.
Yeah..well they fight through my childhood and still do but I personally don't believe it's the reason of my addiction. I was always a loner at school and delt with a lot of depression at the age of 6!! Kids would make racist comments because of my skin color. I was always stressed and I found porn and masturbating as a good stress reliever.
My whole addiction began when I borrowed my dad's computer. Out curiosity I went and checked out what was inside his computer. It had hundreds of picture of naked women. I was scared at first and close the window immediatly. I was really little at the time so I had no idea what it was.
I looked at it again and again again and finally I got addicted to it. When my mom was asleep and my dad was at work (he works at night) I would go in my dad's computer and look at porn the Internet. Eventually my dad look at my Internet history and found out that I was looking at porn. But when my parents knew and I felt ashamed but they didn't do anything about it. At the time I didn't know that porn was a bad thing. year and years of watching porn and I had no idea.
Until..out of no where I searched in the web if porn was a "bad thing" and out of shock I finally realized it was a sin. I promised to myself that I would never watch porn again.
About two or three years later I thought I was finally porn-free well...I started to watch porn again.
I started to have weird fazes.
First I started to watch straight porn then when I got bored of that I started to watch, lesbian, then hentai, then gay porn, then bondage, then...well pretty much everything.
When I finally got my own computer at the age of 12 I had all the freedom to watch porn then it started to become a very unhealthy addiction. I'd masturbate 3 times a day and spend a whole night watching porn. It was like alcohol to an alcoholic. It was a total stress reliever. I've always had stress then and I still do. Once I had my orgasm I felt like all my stress went away. Even when I knew it was wrong I just had to have it.
I'd even try to make up excuses that porn or masturbating it NOT wrong. It's like having an angel in your right ear and having the devil in the other. Then I get stressed for being stressed. Even when I pray I still get the urge to watch porn.
almost 10 years of struggling I still get that urge I don't think it's ever going a way. I try and try and when I finally think it stopped it keeps coming back! Even right now I want to..but UGHHH.
I just...ughh..
Even watching that video that Shelley video in Youtube about her life...it got to me...really I almost cried but I still have the urge.
You know...I don't steal, cuss, or disrespect my parents.
I'm a good kid...I still believe in God with all my heart and love him. I just fear that I'm going to hell for this...just for this stupid addiction...I can't do this by my own. I've tried everything possible...no matter what I do it keeps coming back...I'm so close of giving up.
Comments
Hey, there;
I'm glad you came to these forums. I assume by your comments that you are a teenager. The reason I'm asking is because if you are, you might get more help in the Teen Porn Addiction forum.
Anyhow, to answer your question....You are right. Watching porn is a sin, and it sounds like the Lord has been revealing that to you. The Bible tells us that, as Christians, we are to dwell on things that are pure, and to abstain from fleshly lust. Pornography is a sin because it involves dwelling on lustful things....the lust of the eyes, to be exact. The Bible also tells us, though, in 1 Cor. 10:13:
no temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make a way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.
That's really great news, because it tells us that we don't have to watch porn...God will always make a way out for us. I really think that God led you to the Pink Cross website in order to give you that way out, to deter you from watching it.
That doesn't mean that you won't get tempted, or that getting tempted makes you a bad person. We all get tempted regarding certain things, but God can help us overcome that temptation...and you're right. We can't do it on our own. That's where the Holy Spirit comes in:
Gal. 5:16 I say then, walk in the Spirit, and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh. That doesn't mean that you won't get tempted...just that when you do get tempted, if the Holy Spirit is working in you, He will convict you, and you will want to look at porn less and less, but you need to pray to the Lord for strength, because you won't be able to resist in your own strength.
Whatever you do, don't give up!! That's exactly what the enemy wants you to do. He wants you to give up, and admit defeat, but the Bible tells us that in Christ, we are more than conquerers.
I just want to encourage you to press on in the Lord. Stay away from the computer if you have to. Also, you said that you used to go to church every weekend? You definitely need to start going to church again on a regular basis, and getting grounded in some sort of fellowship, with people who can pray for you, support you, encourage you, and help you. That's probably one of the main reasons why it's so hard for you.
You're at a place where you need to start getting serious about your relationship with God.
Please contine to let us know how you're doing.
Love and blessings
April