I don't want this to affect my kids
I am a stay at home mommy with 2 beautiful kids. I have a daughter who is almost 3 and a son who is 3 months. My husband is deployed right now which is making this harder. I will get on and try to find porn while my kids are taking a nap or down for the night. Most of the time it is out of boredom. I really do not even want to watch it most of the time and hate myself afterwards. I can't even pray afterwards because of how guilty I feel. My worst fear is that this is a generational curse and that my kids will not be free from it. My brothers are both gay and I believe they have been affected by this. I have never told anybody about being addicted and I never even really thought I was because I can go weeks without watching it and then all of a sudden I am back on looking again. When my husband is home I really do not have a problem. When he is gone and I do not get that intamcy from him then I look for it here and I hate it because it is nothing like what my husband and I share. I just want to stop all together.
Comments
Hi, 3Nails;
Welcome to the forums!! I'm glad that you found this site. I would encourage you to read the testimonies and the resources that are available here. I think they will help you much.
From what you describe, it doesn't sound to me like you are addicted to porn, just because you are able to go weeks at a time without looking at it. It sounds to me like you are probably using porn to fill the void that you feel when your husband is gone -- that lack of intimacy.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I can imagine that it must be hard for you when your husband is deployed.
I know that you said that you don't like to pray after you look at it, because you feel guilty. I just want to encourage you not to let this deter you from praying. It's at those times when we are at our weakest that we need to be praying the most. The Lord knows what you are going through. He doesn't want you to alienate yourself from Him -- He wants you to come to Him, because He loves you, and wants to help you.
I just want to encourage you to go to the Lord, and just confess your struggles to Him, and allow Him to minister to you. God wants to help you with this, but He can't help you until you come to Him with an open heart. The Lord already knows what's going on, so you don't need to hold back anything from Him. That's what the enemy wants you to do, because he wants you to continue in defeat.
You said that the main reason you look at it is boredom. I guess what I would suggest is that you continually occupy your mind and time, so that you don't get bored. When you find yourself being tempted to look at porn, immediately find something else to do. Also, continually feed on the Word of God, and really make a point to foster your prayer life. As your prayer and devotional life get stronger, I can guarantee that you will have less of an incentive to look at porn.
It sounds like you just need to deter your mind from pornography. It doesn't even really sound like you enjoy looking at it, which is good. It really sounds like this is something that you can get a handle on, with the Lord's help. I encourage you to really start getting deep into the word of God, and asking Him to help you stay away from porn. Even if you feel guilty, don't let that stop you from asking God for help.
You are still a child of His, no matter what....and God always helps His children!!!
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
And for the sake of your children this is a good time to make the committment to change...I am so proud of you for knowing that this could be passed on and hurt your children!
It helped me to have a plan when I was hit with a temptation. If everytime to are tempted you choose immediately to do the plan. I use praise and worship. If I am tempted, I turn to that and the temptation leaves..the more you respond with the godly action the temptations become less....
I hope that helps you some! I will be praying for you
Blessings!
Carolemarie
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member