Finding the reset button
I feel like I wish there is a reset button where you can go back to being a kid again and not make the mistakes and be in a different life. I feel like i never had a chance, I was abused in many ways when younger and I feel "broken". Sex was "in my face" as a young teen in the house where I grew up and was abused by family "friend". I think it was these things that made my sexual self who I am now, which feels unsure about being with men and women. That at times I find porn is something I feel I need as a release when I am not having sex. That makes me feel in a space where its like an addiction to feel or see sexually degraded because its like an impulse for what I knew when younger. All this is hard to understand and harder to say. Just be nice to find someone that understands and can relate.
Alot of this has hit me hard lately because I started dancing recently and the money is amazing. But I also see those around me that get lost day in and day out in the escapes of drugs/drinking. I see myself in them and that is hard. But its also helped me realize I need to find a new path. Its tearing in that dancing sometimes makes me feel in a very escaped, different person space.
Comments
Hi, Holly;
First off, let me welcome you to the boards. I am so sorry for the abuse that you went through when you were younger. No one should have to go through that, and my heart and prayers go out to you.
To answer your question, yes...sometimes, part of me wishes that I could go back to childhood, just to get a fresh start in life sometimes, but then the other part of me remembers how difficult my childhood was, all the neglect, the loneliness, and when I recall that, I don't really want to go back. I also remember being sexually abused, and no way would I want to go back and experience that again.
I understand what you are saying about feeling like you are chained to your past, but let me ask you one thing -- don't you want to break free from your past? I know you feel like you are broken, but you don't have to feel broken, and you don't have to live your life bound by your past. You can heal, and all of those things that you have experienced don't have to define who you are now.
I think that one of the first and most important steps that you can take in breaking free is to stop watching porn. I know that right now, you feel like you need it as a release, but all it's doing right now is keeping you in those patterns that you want to break free from. What you want to do is break free from the hold it has on you, because the hold it has on you is a sign of deeper issues.
I'm not sure if you're a Christian or not, but I can tell you that the Lord doesn't want us to live in bondage -- TO ANYTHING!! Not to ourselves, and not to sex. The Bible says that Christ came to set the captives free. We are all captive to something in our lives, and right now, for you, it sounds like it is sex. He also said that He came to give you life, and that more abundantly. That means that He can give you REAL life, free from all of the crap that's holding you down.
Believe me -- I understand that porn seems like just a simple release right now, but what is it releasing you from? If it were truly releasing you from what you need to be released of, you wouldn't have the urge to keep going back. It's just a temporary solution, and not even a good one at that. Have you tried going to counseling, seeing someone who could help you work through your past? Often, we have to confront our past in order to break free from what's keeping us down now.
I just really want to encourage you to stop looking at porn so that you can start healing. I would also suggest abstaining from sex altogether.
Much love, and please continue to post and let us know how you're doing. PM me if you need. I am here for you.
April
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
Thank you for writting back. its nice that someone cares and understands. I have my good and bad days, and having an outlet to share on the down days is nice. I appreciate your words of encouragement and I am starting to find my spiritual self so I have something about myself that I feel good about.
I am also trying to find my sexual self as well and that is one thing that is hard with the spiritual side because they don't always go together. I have always had a hard time with feeling valued in traditional relationships with guys and I've always been quick to accept that. I really feel more in tune and supported being with other women so its hard because that isnt accepted or undestood by many. Its not about being lesbian, but instead about being with someone that cares and understands me.
Hope we can share notes sometime and I really appreciate your writting
Hi, Holly
Yes....of course you can PM me whenever you want.
I understand what you mean about being with other women. We all need friendship. I know that I'm able to relate with women on a deeper level than guys, and it's not about sexuality or anything like that.
Feel free to post here whenever you feel down, or need a listener. We are all here for you.
One more thing....Is there any other way that you could support yourself besides dancing? I know that the money is good, but is it really worth all of the drama, and your dignity? I've been there, too, so I understand.
Right now, you need to worry about yourself, and becoming whole and healed, and dancing is only going to hinder that. In fact, it will undoubtedly make things more complicated. You can't move forward if you're chained to your past. Not only that, but it will hinder your spiritual growth. God wants to bless you and work in your life, and He can't really do that while you're dancing. I say this out of concern and caring. It's ultimately up to you, but God has better things in store for you, and He wants to see you fulfilled, not degraded.
Love you, and praying for you
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
I have been looking, but its hard to make money to be able to go to schol again. I appreciate the encouragement, I need that. I've never really had someone that cares so it means alot
Have you looked into educational grants?
If your school is paid for, surely you can find a different line of work that would enable you to support yourself. Is there anyone who can help you?
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies