A Female, A Christian and Coming To Terms With An Addiction
I've known that I've had an addiction to porn for quite a while. I believe it started as curiosity as a child. I remember living in an apartment and the guy upstairs must of had a satellite dish because we were receiving channels we didn't have. One of them happened to be a porn channel. After seeing that I have been interested ever since. I didn't see a whole lot of it as a child but as I've gotten older with more independence (aka I feel like I can do whatever I want syndrome) I have been finding myself looking at it more. The thing is, I'm a Christian. My mother is SO Christian she could be a minister. I know it's wrong. At times I don't even want to look at it but I do anyway. I read someone write on this forum that some people do it out of boredom or curiosity and that’s certainly me. I even find most of it very gross and it doesn't do anything for me after I've watched except make me feel guilty. I find myself asking for God's forgiveness right after looking at it just to do it again. Though I know God will never give up on me. There is a line in the BarlowGirl song "I Need You To Love Me" that always gets to me and reminds me of my problem. "Why are You still here with me? Did You see what I've done? In my shame I want to run and hide myself."
I know I can stop. I can go weeks without looking at it so I don't think I'm as server as others. How did I find this site? Well, earlier today I was pondering my addiction. Only to later try to go on a porn site. For some reason the site I go to wasn't loading. No matter what I tried it just wouldn't come up. I'm smart enough to know that God was preventing me from going there. Which is a good thing. So instead I went on Flickr. I LOVE the color pink so I usually search for pretty pink pics to favorite. It just so happened someone posted the banner of this site. So, I looked at it and clicked on the link to find out what it was about. And to my surprise, just what I needed. I know it was not coincidence for me to find this site today since I was asking God to help me stop. Knowing more about the darker side of the business really has given me a new outlook on it and a bigger desire to stop looking at it. I know I can do it and I hope others can too.
God bless.
Comments
Hey, princess;
That's so awesome that you found this site like that, and you're right....That was no coincidence!! God definitely led you here.
There's a lot of really good support on this site, and we are all here to help and encourage one another. No one here will ever judge you, so don't feel like you can't talk about whatever you need to.
I know that there are a lot of people who got into porn because they were bored or curious. That reminds me of the old saying, "Idle hands are the devil's playthings." Boredom can be a very dangerous thing....Satan will use any opportunity he can to lure us into sin. A lot of times when I'm bored, I start trying to fill up the time with whatever I can think of. I used to fill it up with drugs and other things, but now, I use that time to get into the Word, or seek God.
I just want to encourage you to keep pressing on in the Lord. He definitely has not given up on you!
May God continue to bless and keep you.
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
Each of us has something we struggle with or are tempted with. For you it is porn. For someone else it is gossip....the only power to break those chains is the power of Jesus...
The more in love with Him you fall, the less appeal porn will have!
I will be praying for you!
Carolemarie
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
Hey, princess;
How are you doing? I haven't seen you on in a while...Is everything okay?!
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
Yes it's going very well. I find reading something is a good use of time. :)
Thanks for checking back in!!
Reading is really great!!! I find that when I am struggling with something, anything I can find to keep my mind off of it is useful.
Please continue to let us know how you are doing, and I will be praying for you.
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
I can relate too, I also love that song by BarlowGirl, it's so true! Jesus, I need you to love me! Although, I sometimes say, Jesus, just don't love me right now ok, go and love someone else who is deserving of your love, who will be appreciative of your love. Why are you still here? the lyrics say and I would love to know that to, why Jesus, are you still here with me after all I've done to you and to myself.
I can't get beyond myself and the wretched person I am, but even when I'm at my worst, most depressing moment, I can still be moved by the beauty of who He is. There is a song called, "Beautiful" by Kari Jobe and she has such a sweet anointed voice and when you hear the words of the song you are just drawn into how beautiful the person of Jesus Christ, God and the Holy Spirit are and no matter how terrible I am, they are beautiful and somehow I find comfort in that:
Beautiful (lyrics / Kari Jobe)
"Here, before your alter, I am letting go of all I've held. Of every motive, every burden, everything that's of myself. I just want to wait on you my God, I just want to dwell on who you are.
Beautiful, Beautiful
Though I am lost for more to say
Beautiful, Beautiful
Oh Lord, you're beautiful to me.
Here in your presence, I am not afraid of brokeness. To wash your feet with humble tears, oh I would be put out till nothings left. And I just want to wait on you my God, Lord I just want to dwell on who you are.
Beautiful, Beautiful
Though I am lost for more to say
Beautiful, Beautiful
Oh Lord, you're beautiful to me."
I can most definatly relate. Ever since I became a Christian, the fight for purity dwelled in my blood. It was what I was living for, striving for, and determind to always be. It was easy to keep a pure mind and pure heart in my early teens. I guess cause I was homeschooled for one, and internet wasn't big in my family back then. And before I knew it I was slacking off with watching movies that I believed I could control my thoughts with. Hah, what a lie. And before long I was in a terrible hole.
It was very very difficult for me. Some people have viewed porn for years and are still having a hard road of healing. I felt like one of them even though it was only in the beginning stages then I completely stopped, but I felt horrible and went against what I was standing up for and against.
But through sites such as XXXCHURCH and through Shelley Lubben, it has also helped me see what porn really is and it gives me more reason to stop and think about the lives inside the movies instead of just looking at them.
I had to do a ton of praying every day. I fell and fell and fell again. but everytime I would fall I had to ask for forgiveness and get back up again, even if instantly I would fall again. I will say it took me at least three months before it was easy to say "No."
So it is possible. And I know that because of the insight I have had, and the insight of what you experienced, we will be able to reach out to people on levels that nobody else can because of what we have gone through. I believe that its worth it.