There Was A Death Today

Jesus replied, "Yes, you have followed me. In the re-creation of the world, when the Son of Man will rule gloriously, you who have followed me will also rule, starting with the twelve tribes of Israel. And not only you, but anyone who sacrifices home, family, fields—whatever—because of me will get it all back a hundred times over, not to mention the considerable bonus of eternal life. This is the Great Reversal: many of the first ending up last, and the last first." (Matthew 19:28-30

You sacrificed your home, your marriage, and your husband for the cause of Christ, knowing that they way you were living was not the will of God, and for that, God is mightily pleased.

I'm sorry for your pain, but I am always encouraged by your godly perspective on your own suffering. Thank you for sharing and know that you are loved by one who never comes up short. In fact, we are the ones who always come up short in that relationship, yet he persists to the end for our sake.

Thank you for your kind words Healing and encouragement for my future. I receive those truths.

At this moment in time, it is not my future that I care about. I know I am secure in God. I accept His great Love for me and He has given me the faith to live in that. To "see the need" in those who don't accept His Love as their own is painful. Oh, that all Christians would take hold of it for themselves!

When my father responded to my news by saying, "So what if he's remarried? He's a dirtbag." I responded with even greater sorrow and said, "But he was mine and the Lord Loves him just as much as He does you or me." I left their home totally broken at the attitude that exists in my family (and my former church family, with whom my brother-in-law is the pastor) and in other Christians with the same views because I can no longer tolerate it. It was this same superiority attitude and religious arrogancy of "choosing whom 'I' find as worthy to be cared about or not" that kept those in my family and other Christians in leadership in ministry from seeing the great need of a fellow Christian brother and immobilized them from CARING about him. Men of influence who knew and saw the sins of unjustifiable divorces but said absolutely nothing in defense for God's teaching on the matter.

There is much to grieve over in my latest news. A loss of dreams of mission trips together. A loss of a marriage I waited a long time for and prayed about. A loss of the many interests we had in common (yes, I was thankful the Lord had given me a husband who shared my love of horses, moving cows, riding in the mountains) along with all the other things we enjoyed because we were constant companions. A loss of someone I gave my heart and life to. A loss of dreams of God's restoration of our marriage by deliverance from life-debilitating sins. It is hard to be on the other side of utter healing from the same sins when another can't imagine it for themselves to even seek it.

But, through it all- I have learned that I no longer am like those in my immediate family of Christian people who seemingly love God yet- pick and choose only the souls whom they want to "care" about. My former husband was not one of those they chose to care about. The same is true of another pastor where my husband attended. The Lord revealed that same pride in me and that was the sole reason I could not bring myself to file for divorce from my husband. He replaced the bitterness with feelings of empathy and that was the reason I could give no thought of my future other than to have a willingness to reconcile until the day I received the news of my husband's "moving on". Through this, I have had to wonder, "Did not the Lord die for all or does He show favoritism to certain churches or to certain children of His over another?" Or "does He overlook certain sins just because we don't want to deal with them?"

May God bring a man into his life someday who has a love for ALL affected by "this condition" known as sin and who has experienced God's redeeming power for himself so that he holds no prejudice or "favoritism" of one over another. I chose not to throw away my "dirtbag" husband and to "go the distance", I should have been supported in that but sadly, I was not. Thank God He Loves us all equally- none more and none less than another. His salvation extends to ALL- no matter the depth of sins- and whomever will accept it.

God has PROMISED me that He will overlook all of the prejudices of man of religious superiority and pride in this situation and He will redeem my former husband from sins that he has had much HELP in remaining in- either by partaking through "acceptance through silence" or actual partaking. Yes, we are ALL dirtbags and we are ALL responsible and held accountable to and for each other's souls whom Christ spilled His blood for, even if we overlook the truth of that.

My heart is free in the sense that I know I cared for things eternal and of substance in the life of another. But at this moment, I am still bound by grief and Love for someone's soul of VALUE for whom I have lost.

I have purposed before God, that if I ever have occasion to wish my former husband and his new wife well, I will do that as I acknowledge that her soul is Loved by Him every bit as I am.

"The Lord answered me and said, Write down the vision and make it plain upon the tablets... For the vision is yet for an appointed time. In the end, it will speak and not lie. Though it seems very slow to come, wait for it because it will surely come and will not have tarried." Habakkuk 2: 2,3

On a very dark and cloudy day in November 2006- (one that matched my gloomy spirit because my husband had filed for divorce and left our home against my wishes a couple of weeks before)- I was listening online to a preacher named Joe Focht while a favorite photo of my husband and I was on the computer screen. I had zoomed in on my husband's face, with his bright smile that I always loved to see, and prayed for him with my hand placed on his face while the pastor was teaching about "The Wrestling Match" between God and Jacob found in Genesis 32. It records, "And Jacob was left alone." Later in that precious story of a forever transformed life, I was reminded that too had been my story in April of 1995. After 18 years of running from God, lying to myself and to God- I came clean and owned up to all my sins. I felt a brief moment of joy in my sorrow as I remembered that precious time in my life along with the realization that was the Lord's desire for my husband.

As I prayed for him with my outstretched hand on his image on the screen, I asked the Lord, "Lord, would you allow 'Jacob's Story' to be Phil's story someday?" As I continued to weep and sob in prayer on his behalf, I suddenly felt a warmth on my face. I opened my eyes and the sunlight was coming in to my living room through the branches of the big tree in my yard- shining just on the area around me and my husband's face and just for a short moment.

I began to cry even harder as I realized that God was reaching out to me in this physical and most sweet way to confirm my request, "Yes, Marchel. That is what this is all about. I will do as you ask because that IS My heart for him. Jacob's story, YOUR story, WILL be Phil's Story someday."

I never gave the details of this vision of the Lord to my husband other than to just tell him of it because it wasn't necessary. Someday, at a particular appointed moment in God's timing, Phil will know what my "beautiful vision" was for him. God will show him Himself. At that time, he will be face down on the ground at that "blessed place" known as Peniel as he hears God's voice.

I don't know what greater devastation has to occur in his life before this happens. I do know that a new wife is not going to bring him there because one thing is sure... we must all be "left alone" within ourselves to find the voice of God and confess who and what we really are when we are alone and in the darkness of our lives.

I praise God that the circumstances of my life left me utterly alone within myself and it was during a time when everything I held as dear and "high" was stripped away as if I was standing naked before God in utter shame. I have been changed since that day and because I know that God's desires are the exactly the same for every one of His children in this most important regard, I know that will be the outcome WHEN my once-Loved-by-me husband comes to that final understanding as "one who has wrestled with God."

God is no match for even the greatest of us sinners. He wins in the end. No wonder Jacob was lame after his encounter with God. And forever changed.

Hallelujah! That is our God.

My vision is yet to come..... It is real and true, not because I had a "supernatural experience" with the sun on my face and my husband's image on the screen. It is real and true because it is based on truths of God. His heart is for every human being ever born to know Him intimately, to come to the end of themselves so they can have fellowship/relationship with the God Who knew them before they were born. No amount of sex, no amount of new sex partners, no money, no amount of approval from man, no amount of recognition, no NOTHING can fulfill the void in a human's heart that only God can fill... and is "Reserved for God" only.

Unfortunately and fortunately, a wrestling match with God must occur at a place called Peniel. Phil is on his way to Peniel even though he does not know it. My heart is very sad because I lost him while on that journey but at the end, he will be alone like Jacob. And me. I am very glad to know that God will be waiting for Him there like He was for Jacob. And me.

Blessed be the Lord God.

Truly heart breaking posts. I know exactly how you feel; To love someone so much that when they leave, it's as if they just passed away. Unfortunately, I have no solution or even words of of wisdom for you. Just trust in GOD and continue to hang in there.

I am sorry you have lost someone you loved. Sometimes I think physical death is easier to deal with as one sees one laying in a coffin. With these kind of "deaths"- of losing someone valuable and dear with them still living- finding closure and acceptance of the losses is the challenge. What is especially hard too is knowing that some MUST go through the devastation of Self and what is up ahead- and wanting to spare them. One cannot.

I was reminded today that Jesus feels these same heartaches for us because this is what we do to Him. He Loves us and gives us freedom to choose to Love him in return. If we don't, by going into sins that cause a lack of relationship and intimacy with Him, He is saddened. But because He cannot force us, He must sometimes endure watching us turn our backs on Him. The pain is very great in my situation and on a human level... I truly can't imagine the depths of God's Love to endure our rebellions, our rejection, our choosing others and things over Him..... But oh... when we CHOOSE HIM over anything and anyone- how He must delight in knowing that ALL He did to redeem us was worth it and far outweighed the grief!

Is there anything or anyone in this world more PRECIOUS than this Saviour? I can't imagine what that would be. I would love to caress my Lord's face and say, "Thank You for Loving me even when I did not Love You. I want to be a good child and please Your heart all the remaining days of my life."

The natural consequence of any death- be it an actual physical death or death of a marriage- is a time of reflection. I've often thought, "What went wrong?" Mine was doomed before it began. I did not see the signs- or shall I say, I did not want to see the signs. Bitterness and hatred existed with the kids for their mother who "abandoned" them because she was "unsaved". I could never figure out their father's "acceptance" and "endorsement" of their bitterness for their mother........ All Christians, raised in the church and well-versed in their bibles, even in ministry. What was wrong with that picture? Worse yet, what was wrong with me that I ACCEPTED their bitterness and hatred for their mother into my life? Through this, the Lord taught me that the reason I was able to "look the other way" in regards to their sins of bitterness, etc. was because I too harbored them within my being at the time I accepted their father's marriage proposal.

I have since learned that no one is ever "deceived" unless they have some sort of personal gain to be had out of the deceit. And, that the "usee" is equally guilty as the "user". Truly, no one sins to themselves. One must take ownership for one's own sins.

I had to confess all of those bitternesses, etc. I had to my stepkids and ask them to forgive me. This is why I was driven to contact their mother... I had begun to take on their bitterness and hatred for her for "abandoning" them and putting this "lovely, godly" family through such grief and misery.

A verse in Proverbs says, "He who judges a certain matter without hearing both sides of the story is a fool and it is shameful." Once again, God is not kidding. I had judged their mother without knowing WHY SHE LEFT SUDDENLY. They had convinced me, everyone at church and the whole town that their mother was "crazy" and "unsaved". And God doesn't want their "godly" father to be "unequally yoked" and alone. (All tag words that wound up being lies...)

I knew I had to find out for myself. I got their mother's email address in the flukiest way imaginable and thank the Lord, I have a good memory (with certain things- lol) and sent her a message. It came back so I tried again, this time with a different number behind her username. Three days later, I received a NOVEL. Not of bitterness as one would think. But, of her renewed Love for God and thankfulness for His Love. And sadness for her kids and the loss of her husband and marriage of 22 years. And... praise for me. And forgiveness for me. I was shocked but thankful.

My worst nightmare had come true... My husband was not who he said he was. (I had been suspicious of that for some time.) This beautiful "man of God" who counseled with people in ministry, taught bible studies and prayed beautiful prayers on behalf of me and so many others......

I found out that he lied about everything. Pick a topic- he lied about it. So... now what? Believe me, I responded in anger and utter hurt and dismay. I announced to him and my stepkids that I was going to divorce him for committing adultery against his wife with ME! And here I thought he was completely divorced and free to remarry (complete with two pastor's approvals at that time)...

Yes, marital failure was enivitable for us. An unrepentant adulterous mind and heart was in our marriage, bed and home. He left his first wife in the same exact way he left me- for no reason other than sexual. He now has entered another "Christian" marriage for the purpose of fulfilling his sexual lusts. (Nothing has changed and God's Word does say, "A dog will return to his vomit" unless there is repentance/transformation.) And, most sadly, always attempting to use God by finding a woman in church and done under the "Marriage is honorable and bed undefiled" banner and even to the point of not sleeping with his future bride before the wedding day as to appear to be godly and upright. (I was sure impressed with that and was one of the reasons I felt truly Loved by him for ME and not my female body parts......)

Problem is, he has forgotten that God says He WILL judge husbands who have adulterous hearts and minds. No one can mock God. No one. This is why I know that marital failure is in my former husband's future- it is there NOW. We can only hide behind God's character and teaching for so long. In his mind, he truly believes that marriage negates all sexual sins of the mind and heart. That is why he would never consider living together or sleeping with a fiance until marriage. All "honorable" and "godly" but... all the while, stating to me a few times that "I am cursed by God. My penis is a curse." My response was, "Have you ever thought that you should vow your body to be used only for the glory of God since He created us to Love Him and others with His Love?" He looked at me like I was from another planet then actually said, "Why would I want to do that?"

How can it be that the very thing God chose for a LIFE, a SOUL to be created can also be the same thing that can bring DEATH to so many people? Death of spirit. Death of marriage. Even death to one's self.

Yes, more death and destruction up ahead. He will remember that I wanted to spare him of it all. I was wanting to deal with the very ugly truths of his past that had been exposed that were now in our present. I didn't run from it. My attitude was, "Okay, here it all is- we say we are Christians who Love God... we can do this in God's strength and I still Love you." (Believe me, it wasn't "him" I Loved... it was his soul and the worth of it that kept me there.)

He ran. No new sex partner in the form of "honorable marriage" is going to keep God from His pursuit of this wayward soul who is tacking God onto everything he does. God has MUCH to say about THAT by examples in the Old Testament especially. The screaming and wailing will be heard for miles in regards to what is up ahead because this is one unruly child of God doing things all the while saying, "My Father told me I could".......... Ouch.

I have purposed to never speak the words, "I told you so".

God is not kidding with any of us. Husbands and wives can bring all of their images and "gods" of breasts and genitals to their marriage beds all the while claiming to have the Lord's last name- CHRIST-ian- but He will not stand for it. Better yet, He will not lay in the same bed for it or with it. Death and destruction is the only thing that WILL come out of that MIND.

In all of my sadness on behalf of a very lost and wayward soul- whom I cared for and Loved- I am also glad to be out of his soap opera. I am content to know that I gave it all I had and I went "the other mile". I had told each of my stepkids that their father was worth it as being the reason I couldn't divorce him. I was even able to tell him that too. I meant it then and even now.

Oh, I have entitled his soap opera, "As The Pimple Festers"......... but, I'm still glad to know that God has promised to be there to help clean up the horrific mess after this thing blows up, just like He was for me. "It is good that I have been afflicted so that I would draw near to God." Nearness and dearness is what God longs for from us. He deserves to have that with all of us but it is going to have to cost us something. And it will never cost us what it cost Him. That is an unfair trade God is okay with. What a mind-blowing Saviour.

As of late, and after sharing my news with some of my friends, they have asked me, "Why didn't you consider yourself divorced the day the judge ordered it?"

It's very simple. Before the state got involved with the passing of the marriage license, marriage and divorce was handled within the church and under it's authority since both are considered to be "spiritual institutions". Our divorce was among two Christians. My husband divorced me without biblical grounds since I did not commit adultery against him. The state allows for divorce for ANY reason- biblical or unbiblical- whereas the church of years ago, before the state took authority, only grants divorce for biblical reasons. (By the way, I refused to sign our divorce papers. My signature does not exist on them because I never agreed to our divorce. I did that out of conviction from the Lord and now I know why.)

Another reason I purposed before God to go until the day I heard my husband had remarried was because I was dead serious when I made my vow to God and him on our wedding day. Just because he wasn't doesn't mean I wasn't. (Believe me, I've tried to convince myself that I was "just clowning around" a thousand times. But, it's a lie.) I had also told my husband, in a letter I wrote during our divorce process, that my vow, devotion and commitment to him still stood until the day he committed sexual sins with another woman. I knew I would know about it... the Lord would be gracious to let me know. I just found out he remarried last summer. I have "hung on" for almost a year to no avail. Wasted time some might say, especially since I have been asked out on several occasions and continually told to "move on". I said, "No, I'm not interested. I'm still praying for reconciliation with my husband of whom I still Love until God tells me otherwise and I want to stay available." People think that is so strange but I truly don't care. I don't live to please people- flawed, selfish humans. Besides, it is very easy to "move on to the next one" when one is angry, bitter and blaming others rather than taking ownership of one's self.

Originally, we were just going to have the church handle our marriage and do as people did for many centuries in regards to a legally binding contract with witnesses present by signing the Marriage Certificate document in the front of a family bible. (We did do that but our pastor told us he wouldn't marry us without a state-granted marriage license too. So, we decided not to press the issue even though there are pastors that will in order to keep Christian marriages and divorces in the Christian realm.)

My husband had a deep conviction about that of which I appreciated because it showed a real concern on his part to keep everything on a spiritual level. Even after we were married for awhile and during a Sunday morning sermon, he elbowed me and pointed to the margin of his very well-used and written-in bible. It read, "I Love Ann Marchel", with an arrow pointing to me. I smiled at him and he winked at me then kissed me on the cheek. Later, he told me, "I wrote your name in my bible so that God would hold me accountable for you and how I treat you or if we ever divorced."

Huh? My head is still spinning in confusion over that episode in church that day. Since I'm not a man, I have a hard time trying to figure out how they think sometimes, but I can't help but feel like all of "this" up to what has been done to this present day is all about "daring God". I truly feel as though my former husband was dead serious when he told me he is a "runaway train". I could be wrong, but since he never had any parental supervision and was a very "wild child", I think he secretly longs to be stopped by God Almighty. I mean, all of the things he has done all his life to the present has been in the churches and under the pastor's noses- as if it is some kind of sick thrill or something... It all truly makes me wonder.

I can't help but think that God also remembers the day he wrote my name and declaration of his love for me in his much-loved bible. Now, I wonder- "does he still use that bible?" Or, "If so, did he scratch my name out?" Or, "Even if he did, surely he knows what's under the ink blot." Or, "does he avoid 'that page' in I Kings?" Or, "Maybe he tore it out since it is not a popular section of the bible." Or...

How does one ever "erase" something so significant at the moment from their memory forever? He must be using a new bible. But, even then... he would know the reason is because he remembers what he wrote to me as witnessed by God that day.

Anyway, I do know one thing for sure- our very own conscience can be our greatest enemy and greatest accuser of all. That's why the Lord puts so much emphasis on having a clear conscience before God and man.

All things considered- I'm glad my conscience is clear. Forgiveness has been asked where needed, thoughts for good in the life of another are the only things I will allow. Bitterness, anger, jealousy, etc. has no place here. Sometimes I think it would be easier to have all of those feelings because it is very painful to be thrown away without biblical cause. But, the thing that keeps me from being destroyed is- ultimately, it was God Who was thrown away, not me. And I am saddened for God because He didn't do anything to deserve it.

So... I went "the distance and beyond" for a specific reason. My husband put me away with full intent to "join with another", just as he said, and that is called adultery. Adultery is the reason we are divorced in the eyes of God. Up until that time, it was very important for me to have a willingness to reconcile, whether he did or not, rather than "move on" as so many suggested.

A clear, clean conscience is a wonderful gift from God. I like to call it "spiritual virginity". Since none of us can return to our physical virginity, we can reclaim our minds back to the innocence and purity God designed for us in the very beginning and as if we are. It is so like God to have a solution for everything. He is just simply Amazing and so WORTHY to be Loved... and RESPECTED.

"We know that ALL things work together for GOOD to them that LOVE God..."

I've heard this verse for many years. I've said it often- to myself and to others for encouragement at those times we can't understand a death or other tragedies and we are sitting around questioning. At those times, we don't really want to hear it, but we must remember that God Loves us always. He sees ahead and beyond us- the "bigger picture". After all, His vantage point is very high from our view as ones on a horizontal plane. Not to mention our limited sight and limited periphial view. So, I must always remember that God has HIS reasons even when I don't like them........

To believe it is to accept it as truth for one's self. I think the key words are "to them that LOVE God"... If I am really Loving and accepting God's Love in a two-way, reciprocal way- I can't help but KNOW that ALL things truly do work together for GOOD in my life.

For those times I did not love God and had anger towards Him, is the opposite true? All things work for BAD to them that don't Love God? I guess I would have to say "yes." Isn't the true test of Loving God when I'm DOING what He says because I know and trust that what He wants from me is for my GOOD and always, ultimately, for HIS glory?

Jesus' prayer for His blood-bought child is, "That we may be one" with HIM. It was not, "That they might be one with a spouse." Not that Jesus doesn't care about earthly marriage but His ultimate concern is for His spiritual marriage with His individual bought-and-paid-for bride who bears His Name- "Christ-ian" above our earthly marriages.

If I didn't know these truths for myself, I would have to say that this latest marriage and divorce with all it's deceit, lies, sexual sins and bondages, betrayal, rejection, false accusations, hypocrisy, misunderstandings, lack of concern by men of influence... would have literally broken me and caused me to run from Christianity. But, I did that already years before. Like the disciples, after Jesus said, "Will you too turn away?" I have to say, "Lord, where would I go? You are the One with the words of eternal Life."

I understand that because the Lord Loves my former husband's soul as much as He does mine, He MUST allow all of the continuing bad things- devastation of soul- to come in his future in order for His prayer to be answered, "That I may be one with him". Jesus Loved me enough to allow all of the bad things to get my attention and respect. Who am I to think He Loves me more than another not to allow that same longing and prayer of His to be answered? Granted, I can't stand the thought of MORE suffering and devastation with those whose souls I have cared for and Loved. Sometimes, we just don't give a rat's patootie about God until we are absolutely devastated in body, mind and soul. I wish that weren't the case but sadly, that was true in my life and I have
the same sin nature as everyone else on the face of this planet. God owns this universe, this planet, this air... He must allow what He must allow in order for us to come to that realization that "our life is NOT OUR OWN". This is why He must judge me when I live according to my wants and needs when they are not HIS wants and needs. That is His right as One Who owns me.

"Who is He that condemns? It is Christ Who died and was risen again and Who is even at the right hand of God Who also makes intercession for us." (Romans)

I must remember that Jesus is interceding on my former husband's behalf to 'be ONE with Him'... no matter what that takes. God knows what that will take for each of us. "He chastens whom He LOVES." That a sure thing, not a "maybe".

All of this is a good lesson for me to take God seriously and to remember that even though I can clown around with Him all I want- it is only for a time and not without great cost to myself and sometimes, those around me. We as earthly parents show Love to our kids by holding them accountable... how much more the Lord MUST hold me accountable when I am living contrary to those ways He has established as GOOD and for His glory? I'm so glad He does. Yes, God's accountability is HIS LOVE displayed for those who Love God. Funny part is, it was never God Himself who punished me... it was ALL SELF-INFLICTED and He just allowed the excruciating circumstances of MY wrongdoings to be the very thing that caused me to LOOK and CONSIDER Him- Who was standing there waiting ALL ALONG.

"It is GOOD that I have been afflicted so that I might draw near- be one- with God."

Hhmmm... I have a feeling that Jesus gets HIS prayers answered EVERY TIME! Amen!

My prayer for my husband was that he would be spared future devastation and self-inflicted punishment. Now, I can see my prayers were amiss. My joy isn't "revenge"... my joy is knowing that God will someday be the most precious Thing my former husband has ever experienced in his life just as the Lord wants every one of His children to KNOW that.

"I am persuaded that neither death (or death of a marriage), nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other thing shall be able to seperate me from the Love of God Who is in Christ Jesus my Lord." Amen.

LIFE is ALL about God and what HE wants... "So that they may know I am God" as He has so often stated. Amen.

Inwards, Onwards and Upwards!

Blessed be the Lord God.

Since writing this post, I have found that there are other husbands and wives who have been left behind, in "one-sided" divorces and willing to stay single with hearts for reconciliation in order to honor God and the vows they made to God and their spouses.

Like everything else, God has a solution to that problem.

He does not hold those rejected, dumped, thrown away, disposed of, left behind accountable. He holds accountable for only the sins we have committed. And yes, we must ask forgiveness for whatever "our contributions" of wrong were or perhaps still are.

Numbers 30 is the reference for Vows. Verse 12 teaches, "But if her husband makes her vow utterly void from the day he heard them of whatever proceeded out of her lips concerning her vows and the bond of her soul, they will not stand. Her husband made them void and the Lord will forgive her."

Her husband had the power to make her vow "as nothing". In my case, adultery broke my marriage vow even though I was willing to honor it.

It goes on to teach, "If her husband makes her vow void after he had heard them, then he shall bear her sins."

In my case, my former husband will be held accountable for not only his sins of adultery but also the sin of breaking my vow to him and God. God takes into account the hearts of those who were "faithful- even to the end" by not holding them accountable for a spouses' wrongdoing.

Our God is a gracious God to those who seek to Love and honor Him. For those who willing continue in their sins of self and disrespect for God? Well, let's just say- "I wouldn't want to be in those shoes." (No thanks... been there, done that, lesson learned.)

"Wherefore I will yet plead with you, says the Lord, and with your children's children will I plead... But my people have forsaken me... Their own wickedness will correct them and their backslidings will reprove them. Know and see that it is an evil and bitter thing to forsake the Lord thy God and that my fear is not in you, says the Lord God of hosts."

God is worthy of our respect and He is to be reverenced and feared because He is a righteous judge. He will only allow what is fair and just in our lives for the sole purpose of teaching us that "He alone is God" and He alone is LOVE.

Ironically, I wouldn't trade one lesson I have learned in these past four years and I can honestly say that I have a deeper, more serious Love for God than I have ever known through this. ONLY GOD can convert "bad" into GOOD and use it for His Glory in the life of one of His own. Amen! I'd like to see mankind do that!

With gratitude, we can learn to say, "In all things give thanks to God. Blessed be the Lord God."

is a real maturity in you that I hope to have myself someday. I see this "moral superiority in myself as well, I consider it a detriment not an asset. Though as I am letting in God's love I am able to love some of the most difficult people. But my bitterness is great, I appreciate you sharing with us how He replaced your bitterness with empathy it gives hope to me for my bitterness against my family and others.
I'm really sorry for you loss, I really don't know or have anything else to say I'm sorry. I'll pray that God comforts you, he knows I however do not, sorry.

Thanks for your encouragement. Yes, accept and receive God's Love for yourself Tallguy9000. It's there for the taking! He's not going to force you to take it. The desire to give and show Love back to Him will become greater than the sins that have bound you.

You will become amazed at how you are no longer tempted by those same things! All of the sex acts in porn will no longer give you any stimulation whatsoever- other than to make you feel like vomiting. Why? Because you have grown to hate what God hates and where you were once obsessed with those things, you will become obsessed with LOOKING FOR WAYS to show God how much you Love Him in return! Amen.

I appreciate it, it gives me hope for the future, I still see sex as love right now but I'm trusting God will change that slowly but surely sometimes in growth spurts like a child grows physically. I have come to a place where I don't want a quick fix for my problems or to make them go away, these problems could help someone else!

Being mature in God is what we all long for- a two way relational experience. He put that longing in our hearts because that is HIS longing for us! Since we are made in His image and He has given us the capacity for intimacy with Him.... Well.... that is what we are held accountable to. We can't mature in God by waiting for Him to do it for us though because He already did His part! He already gave us everything we need to overcome sin by His example on the cross and upon resurrecting, stating that same power is ours. But will we take what He has already offered? Ahh... That is the question. In times past, I didn't because I wanted my sin more than I wanted God (even though I said I didn't.) Yes, that's an "Ouch" but true.

Maturity only comes at the cost of giving up our sins in exchange for God's peace and blessings. Let's see... my angst, depression, negativity, shame, etc. in exchange for God's clean conscience, joy, forwardness, confidence....? Hhmm... I'm going to take the latter.

Jesus said, "If you Love Me, then do as I say." In other words, if I don't Love Him, I won't do as He says. Our Love for God is proven by our actions, not by talking about it. Even wanting it is not good enough. We must believe and do. That is what blesses His heart! Do we want to benefit God's heart or do we just want to benefit from God?

God will allow all of us to stay in our sins but not without continued negative consequences. To Love God is to fear and show reverence for Him. Because God is Love, He must reprimand us. That is the part about God that we want to forget about and overlook. We can, but not without consequence.

We must take ownership for the sins we have committed that have contributed to the sins of others. That is the only way you and I will ever reach maturity in God. If we don't, we will always be comparing ourselves as "better" than another. Religious superiority says, "My sins aren't as bad." "Well, I know I sinned but the choice was ultimately theirs. They didn't have to respond in sin to my sin." We want to excuse our sins as being "lesser". All stemmed from pride and superiority as if God Loves one more over another.

That is wrong thinking. All our sin put Jesus Christ on the cross and we are all accountable to each other. For those things I said and did wrong to my former husband and stepkids, I asked them to forgive me. At times, I let my emotions of hurt rule over God's principles and for that, I had to ask forgiveness. Why? Because I contributed to further wrongdoing on their parts by my hypocrisy. It doesn't matter if people forgive us or not when we ask, what matters is that we have exonerated/removed ourselves from their wrongdoing/sin in the eyes of God. Sin is a domino effect and no one sins alone. And interestingly, every sin has it's root in lovelessness for God.

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." Respect for what God says enough to DO IT and maturity are connected. God didn't just magically grant us maturity... we have to BELIEVE and ACT on the promises and truths He already established. Our problems don't help anyone get out of them- it is our victories that God uses in the lives of others. That is the difference between Sympathy and Empathy. Sympathy is just merely relating with someone's struggles, etc. Empathy is relating to them in sympathy but offering an objective view and solution. It would be a puny and powerless Jesus that would only be able to offer us Sympathy and that is a wrong understanding of Him! We can overcome any sin because He overcame every sin! Amen.

Even wanting it is not good enough. We must believe and do. That is what blesses His heart! Do we want to benefit God's heart or do we just want to benefit from God?

Not sure I understand this bit. I think fear keeps me back not looking back on or taking into account how bad my sins are because of fear that if I do how could he possibly forgive me. My parents were merciless with any small discrepancy on my part and would swallow a camel on the abuses they did to my siblings and me. I guess I'm still working thorough it.
I'm tired of rehashing this stuff...

God knows every sin that ever existed- past, present and future. And not just yours or mine... every person born past, present and future. The Lord Jesus went to the cross WILLINGLY while knowing these truths. That can only mean that He knew what He was up against. He also knew that His sacrifice was MORE than sufficient to take care of this humungous "sin problem". He is "Grace greater than ALL our sins."

That's why there is no sin whatsoever ever committed on this planet that the Lord cannot redeem a soul from and pardon them... except one. To reject His sacrifice of Love for all mankind by dying a brutal death in our place.

Because we have so great a Love offered us, we can take it. It must be accepted with a grateful heart to say, "Lord, thank You for dying in my place. What can I do to show my gratitude and Love for You in return?"

Jesus says, "Follow Me."

There is a book and bible study I did several years ago that changed my perspective on living the Christian life of always focusing on my shortcomings and sin rather than looking above them and moving forward in grasping God's Love for me as one who did things so bad I felt I could not be forgiven.

It is called, "The Nature of Jesus" by Gayle Erwin. Until we understand Jesus' nature, His character and His attributes, we are forming Him to be what we think He is rather than WHO He really is.

From that point on, every decision we make can be sifted through the truth of knowing Who He is by asking ourselves, "Is what I'm about to say or do represent Jesus' character and nature?" If it does, we know we are living and doing what pleases His heart. If it doesn't, then we know what we must do to make things right again in order to stay in fellowship with our Lord.

The whole point and purpose of becoming a follower and convert of the Lord Jesus Christ is to conform to HIS image- not our image, not our parents' image, not a pastor's image, not a denomination's image... NO ONE'S other than Jesus'. He IS "The Fixed Point of Reference".

By knowing and understanding these things, life has gotten so much simpler* for me and the focus has been shifted on emulating Jesus' character rather than all of my downfalls and debilitating sins of my past.

*LOL After saying that... I have to laugh. Life has gotten HARDER externally but internally, my soul is at peace even among all of the chaos, rejection, betrayal, etc. of these past four years- and even to the present in regards to breaking free from religious pride and superiority of which I once was a part. But, all necessary because we must live to please the Lord and Him only.

But, no matter... Life is beautiful because a beautiful Saviour LIVES in it. Amen.

Rather than looking and living within the confines of our ugly sins, we should shift our focus by looking and living within the vast horizon of our beautiful Saviour.

Now... that's a mind-blowing and "happenin' place!" The old life can now be compared to eating sawdust........

"Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around. Humans, on the other hand, were created to be Loved. For us to live as if we are unloved is a limitation, not the other way around.

The bird's nature is to fly, choosing only to walk and remain grounded. It doesn't stop being a bird when it's grounded, but it does alter it's experience to why it was created significantly."*

As the bird who is born to fulfill it's destiny by flying, may we learn to fly above any individual debilitating experiences of our formidable years and out of any debilitating circumstances of which we were born and fulfill our predestined design to know Love, give Love and be Loved by a God Who IS the definition of Love.

May we relinquish control of anything that hinders us from fulfilling our design to be Loved and know God intimately as He longs to know us. Jesus fulfilled His destiny as The One Who teaches us to Love and be Loved, but we can only know it by knowing Him. He invites us to learn Who He is, know Him and learn His ways so that we can benefit by soaring with Him. We were created for Love AND for flying!

Wow! What a Saviour to the uttermost and in every meaning of the word.... And what a mind-blowing LIFE He offers. Oh but if we would only choose HIM! (He comes with no negative side effects and offers a clean conscience as yet another benefit........ Hhhhmmm. Sign me up for Jesus 101!)

*paraphrased from a book.

I have come to understand human nature pretty well and have been able to predict the future to the point of feeling as though I have the gift of prophecy. LOL Because I too am human and I have the same exact sinful nature as every person on this green earth, I know how we think. And in actuality, it's not rocket science at all. The Lord is very clear about our futures...

We reap what we sow. A tomato ultimately produces a tomato. Our good actions ultimately produce good actions. Our bad actions ultimately produce bad actions. Real simple.

One thing I predicted was a guilty conscience would emerge at some point. I have received two letters from my former stepkids within the past 5 months. Both have a literal hatred for their biological mother to the point of no relationship with her whatsoever and yet, they both speak of great adoration and have great forgiveness for their father for all the damage he has inflicted to the point of justification for divorcing two women for no good reason (and even acknowledged that as literal "sin"!!!), but there is NO forgiveness whatsoever for their mother for having had separated from him in the first place.

How is it that one can be SO FORGIVING for another's "humanity, sin, frailness and weakness" (as they both described their father in their letters) and yet another receives no forgiveness whatsoever for the same condition of humanity, sin, frailness and weakness (of which we ALL possess?)

Because it's not about forgiveness at all. It is about EXCUSING the admitted sin of another to excuse the sins of one's own self.

Let's face it, some people's sins are BENEFICIAL to us while others are not. We pick and choose what sins we want to overlook and others we want to embrace as it benefits us. Perhaps we receive sympathy that affords us the freedom to continue in our sin. In God's view, to assist someone in sin is to be just as guilty as the sinner. No wonder the conscience is being revealed in these ways. Ouch. Oftentimes we don't speak up because we can't. We Christians like to disguise it as having "grace" and "mercy." I know- I've done that and been allowed the privilege to stay in my sin.

So, it is easy to see that this is the case with the letters I've received. I don't respond and if I do, it is only just wish everyone well. It's all out of my hands and responsibilty now as one who was an overseer of their spiritual well-being. God will allow whatever circumstances to teach them and they will have to deal with their guilt. I'm sad for them though because this is not what I wanted. I wanted a life of blessings and freedom from hatred for all of them........ Now, I am on "the hate list" and reminded that I should never have contacted their "enemy" (mother) of whom they told other kids was "dead". Oh well... it is better to please God than man. No regrets.

Anyway... if I had been the one to divorce, I don't think I would be accused of having had a "sickly, needy love" for my husband as I am now by a few who don't understand the importance of "going the distance and beyond."

It was NOT a sickly, codependent, masochistic kind of "love" that held me in place during our marriage, divorce and until the day I heard of my former husband's remarriage.....

It was simply the acknowledgment that he is Loved by God as I am and there is not one sin we can commit that is beyond the reach of God. Period.

The Lord says that there is to be a time of reconciliation after a divorce or we are to remain unmarried. Both former spouses have to "remain available" because it is impossible to reconcile with a former spouse who has "moved on" in another marriage.

If I had "moved on" (as was told me a hundred times) right after my husband had filed for divorce or when the judge ordered a Divorce Decree, that would have proven that I too had a heart of adultery because I would have wanted someone other than my husband and I would have had the luxury to say, "Oh, he divorced me" so that I could make him look like "the bad guy".

No. I know the twisting of God's word that some Christian divorced people can play. I too justified a soon after my first husband left to divorce me relationship as being "Free to Remarry" and yet my heart was not free AT ALL. I felt rejected, thrown away and all of the above. I was told, "You DESERVE to be loved" by a (Christian) man who had no respect for the IMPORTANT spiritual principle known as "the time of reconcilation" after a divorce. Native Americans call it "the time of Mourning".

After all, divorce is a DEATH, is it not? Grieving is a most important part of the death process, is it not? Granted, I had much to be "glad" for after my divorces because both of my husbands were men who were in ministry and claimed to "love God" but yet, their hearts were FULL of adultery... even before we met. No wonder they still had the same hearts during our marriage and even during the divorce process to the point of looking for others to remarry. (I truly don't wish those problems on a new wife. She has no clue that she is in bed with an adulterer... not yet anyway. She has no clue that her husband is very accepting of PORN and even to the point of thinking it is "the model" for what "submissive Christian wives" should be.)

Yes, there is a twisting of God's words and teachings within the Christian community in regards to sexuality and "moving on" right after divorce.....

God endorses neither. Yes, we do reap what we sow. The two recent communications I received are proof that a guilty conscience awaits to condemn our own self JUST AS GOD'S WORD SAYS when we make choices without God's peace. They will spend everyday trying to justify the hatred they have for their mother and encouraging their father to divorce her without God's approval to remarry AND for encouraging him to do the exact same thing to me. It is a very heavy burden for young people in their 20's to carry and it will impact their lives in ways they don't even realize............... yet. Their father's "form of godliness" they have embraced as their own is very costly.

A self-condemning conscience is a very heavy load to bear... and a very unneccesary one. Jesus said, "Purge (vomit) your conscience from DEAD works so you can serve the Living God..." In others words, do whatever necessary to unload the toxic attitudes that will kill your spirit and keep you from a relationship with Him.

This is why we MUST go back and take ownership of our wrongdoings to each other. It is the most freeing thing we can ever do otherwise we will LIVE in the everyday condemnation of our own GUILT. Always looking over our shoulder and even creating our own crisis' to sabotage anything that could be GOOD.

Yes... I know human nature pretty well- I have to live in me. But God will bring us UP and OUT of our debilitating minds if we would choose to do things HIS way. He can't do that part for us because He can't force and we have a freewill... but, He already has done His part and OFFERS us the blessings in doing so!

It is very good to go the extra mile FOR GOD even if one looks like a complete fool to others in doing so. At the end is a clean conscience waiting. What a gift and benefit of doing things His way!!! He certainly knows what and WHY He asks the things He asks of us... and it's all to BLESS us! What a GOOD God!

Jesus made a complete fool of Himself for mankind... and for me. Call it "sickly Love" or whatever but I'm so glad He did.

"Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God and keep His commandments for this is the whole duty of man. God will bring every work into judgment, every secret thing; whether it be good or evil." (Ecc. 12: 13,14)

May we all remember that we are all Loved individually and independently from another individual by the Lord God Who gave all of Himself, individually and personally, and Who gives and takes away to fulfill His purposes in the life of another and in my life.

May God's blessings be on each of you as individual persons/souls as you walk through your lives.

Blessed be the Lord God.

Peace- now and always.

Wow.... I was recently told by a family member, "You could still be married if you would have learned to forgive your husband." Again... Wow.

Such ignorance abounds in the Christian realm on this issue of forgiveness. Why would a wife want to remain married to someone whose sorid sexual past is bubbling to the surface and exploding like a geyser if she were "unforgiving" and "bitter"? It makes no sense at all. Forgiveness or unforgiveness is not the issue. Forgiveness is not overlooking problems because one doesn't want to deal with them and continue to live in a lie. One can have a forgiving heart and not partake in another's sins.

Or are we to excuse blatant sins of which we are included in just by virtue of being a spouse and call it "forgiveness", "grace" and "mercy" so that we can have the privilege to remain in our own? Let's face it, I would be better off financially if there had been no divorce. I could have complied to my husband's every sexual whim and fancy for the sake of keeping myself "in the goods". But, are we to choose our own fears and "needs" over God and call it "forgiveness" when really it is nothing more than SELF-motivated?

We as wives can disguise our tolerances for our husbands' mental (and sometimes physical) adultery and pass ourselves off as being "forgiving" when but in reality, we are AFRAID to be rejected, left alone or even suffer financially. So, we comply to blatant sin and disrespect for God in the life of our husbands in the name of love when it is really selfish motivated. (I know, I've done that. And interestingly, my former husband's first wife said that is why she stayed for 22 years all the while KNOWING FULL WELL that he was an adulterer. She admitted to me that her reasons were SELF-motivated and she afforded him the privilege to use her sexually because of FEAR.) Then we pray, pray, pray for a miracle to happen when the miracle was right in front of our face all along. And that is- the Lord wants us to choose Him first in the life of another and above ourselves so that His eternal and supernatural purposes can be fulfilled.

We oftentimes hang on to our selfish fears and have the audacity to say we are in God's will.

I'll be dead honest, I HATE being divorced again. I did not get married a second time with any thought of ever seeking or being divorced. Divorce is a word that did not exist in my mind. This is not my idea of a good time. But... truth had to come up for air and who can tolerate living in a lie for the sake of being "forgiving" by the world's standards?

Truth is, I could forgive my husband of his sexual past to the point of wanting to work things out in the favor of God and in the power He freely offered because I too had one. But the vast difference between us is that I had been HEALED and DELIVERED, past tense, from mine because I had allowed God to expose all of those secret things and shame of my life and help me RESOLVE them, whereas he did not. And in fact, didn't even see the need to. Instead of confessing and repenting of the sexual sins of his past, he went to "the next thing". I made no demands whatsoever because one can't force another to "feel repentant" when they don't. This is why I let him walk out the door FREELY all the while letting him know I Loved him and didn't want a divorce. We all have a free will. God doesn't force or demand repentance so who are we to do that to another? I just stepped aside and let him choose what he wanted. And choose he did. (Nothing like a crisis in our lives to expose us as to who we really are.)

Now, I have to endure that I am to blame for our divorce because I am "unforgiving". Oh, and I "expect perfection." Wow... that one blew my mind. I'm laughing as I type this at the length some people will go to avoid hard issues. I don't know of very many wives who would want to remain married to a man whose mother personally told her that she knew of his years of incest with her daughter and never said a word, who was guilty of Statutory Rape on 5 counts and never prosecuted or convicted, who divorced his first wife without biblical grounds while being a bible teacher himself, etc. etc. etc. I've been asked, "Why would you want to stay married to that?" I say, "So what? There is not any sin God can't forgive in repentance and who am I to say that God can't or won't?"

I'm not going to try to convince my family that I am any different than what they perceive me to be- I am to blame for our divorce in their minds. So be it. I am now even told that I have never dealt with my sexual abuse as a child, still in my victimization and have all kinds of problems due to it that caused my husband to seek another. Wow......

I have come to the complete understanding that people who have never experienced sexual abuse (or perhaps, dealt with their own past sexual abuses and sins) can understand. I guess it's one of those, "If I have to explain it, you wouldn't understand" kind of things. I truly think that my family has spent their whole lives appearing to be this God-fearing, upright, church-going family that they are embarrassed they have a daughter who has brought sexual issues to the surface and my recent divorce is a physical manifestation of these "embarrassing" issues. Alot of church people don't want to deal with sexual sins. I get the impression that my Christian family and their church would rather I still be in all of my secret shame because THEY didn't have to think about the reality of pornography, adultery, sexual bondage, etc. when I was. They were happy with me when I was! Some people are afraid of truth.

Oh well. Praise God for healing and deliverance. I saw the need for that in my former husband's life and extended a hand of Love and mercy to him as the Lord did so graciously did for me. Where was the churches and the pastors caring and extended hand? Why were they afraid to see the need? Perhaps because they don't want to deal with their own? One can only wonder......

No matter, I can go about my life with a clean conscience and live in complete honesty of what I was and what I am now in the grace and power of God. My former husband will come to know just how precious a clean, clear conscience is someday and that makes me happy. Eternal matters are all that truly matter in this life and I'm so glad that God put people in my life along the way who really helped me see the importance of that.

Sometimes, being a peacemaker is one who goes against the tide so that there can be True Peace, as defined by God. And sometimes, pleasing God and pleasing people are not the same thing. No wonder Jesus said, "I have come to divide households..." or "If you don't hate father, mother,..." He didn't mean that we are to literally hate them but in their minds, they think we do because we no longer seek to please them or make them happy!

The Lord is the only One we are to please and we must let the consequences of our Love, obedience and devotion to Him be His to deal with. What I find amazing in all of this is how many repercussions our unresolved and unrepentant sins cause in the lives of others. Sin truly has a domino effect. Anyway...

To quote a good friend, "Inwards, Onwards and Upwards." Jesus is all about that.

Your story is heart breaking but amazing at the same time. Your dedication to God and the way you talk about this man is beautiful and very inspiring.

Our Lord is so precious in that He chose to partake in our sufferings as humans on His earth. When we come to realize that these kinds of offences are against God and our worth, value does not come from any fallible human, we can live in the joy that God offers us because of His work on the cross.

"He set His face like a flint towards Jerusalem", knowing full well, not only of the physical pain but the emotional pain of being abandoned by those He Loved and ALL of the anguish waiting there, because He knew the victory beyond the cross. There is not one of us who has ever endured what the Lord willingly endured- the rejection and abandonment, the abuse and pain... Not one- no matter how heartbreaking and sad our stories are. We can LIVE as Victors and not victims, no matter how dire and dark the circumstances, because of what He did. He is our hope and LIFE. Our Saviour is precious beyond description and mere words. He is worthy of our all- mind, body and spirit. He's the "Full Meal Deal" (and He won't make us fat either!) :^)

Blessings to our God.

Seriously. You should make a book out of all the wisdom and knowledge you have concerning what you've gone through. It's obvious by your long posts that you do know quite a bit about going through the loss of someone you loved.

I already did write a book... you just read it. LOL

I didn't intend to write such a long "book" originally... but I know there are others who have faced "one-sided divorces" or have lost a husband to the bondage of sexual sin. The pain of that is excruiating to say the least.

My original intent was just to share some of my thoughts about my husband's remarriage since I had already shared them on the forum and had even asked people to pray for him- to be healed and delivered from sexual sin- and to spare another woman from going through what I and his first wife had already experienced with him. Little did I know, he was already remarried as of last summer when I made those requests but, no matter. God had His timing for me to know and taught me more things about Him (and myself) that I needed to know in the meantime.

I have shared some of the "ugly details", not to bad-mouth or belittle him because he is what he is and God Loves him in spite of it, but to share the importance of Loving God first and foremost and taking Him SERIOUSLY because He is not to be messed with. A healthy fear, respect and reverence for God is very needed in our modern day society and in our marriages, etc.

Anyway, I am just a woman who made a decision a few years ago to quit talking about God's Love, forgiveness, grace, etc. and LIVE as if it is true because IT IS. And to be quite honest, it was a lost friend who challenged me by mockingly saying, "Why are you telling me this stuff about God, and faith, and how powerful and great He is? Why don't you LIVE it yourself and quit being a hypocrite."

Bulls-eye. (Ouch... that one dropped me dead.)

God is real. He can be trusted even when we can't see a blooming thing in front of our noses and when He says, "Seek, pursue those things which pertain to eternity FIRST" and then says, "then I will ADD to your life"... that is EXACTLY what He means. (Which one of us doesn't yearn to have our lives added to by God's very own hand? Why are we settling for the women and men in porn who are behind a glass, who will NEVER CARE about us as people- whose motive is to take our money, our time, our marriages, because they are broken people themselves who feel ruined and destroyed and want us to "relate" to them by becoming one of them? How many of us would actually stand in the corner of a room in real life and watch people have sex without feeling like a perverted soul and yet we justify our cravings as "everyone does it", "normal" and "there is nothing wrong with it because I'm not actually touching anyone"? Really... who are we kidding? The sex in porn is absolutely gross. It doesn't get any more LOVE-less than that and we truly need to begin to see ourselves as Loved by God, admit our vile, sick sin natures and ask God's forgivness for perverting His design for us and putting the Saviour on the cross for the purpose of delivering us OUT of this garbage world of porn. So, why are we Christians "still stuck" in this garbage, all the while claiming to know the Saviour Who "unstuck" us from our sins? Not to mention the fact that by doing so, we inherit ETERNAL Life because we now have a real, viable connection with the God Who master-minded and created this whole universe and... WANTS a relationship with us! Let's trade our sin for God's joy, peace and blessings. Seems like a good trade to me... unfair on the Lord's part since He already eradicated the sin problem the day He saved our sorry butts... but a good trade nonetheless. And, since He's okay with that, then we should take Him up on it.

I'm at a point in my life where I want God to ADD to it because I certainly have done alot to subtract from it. I know there are others like me out there and I want to spur them on for greater things and challenge those who just sit around on the assurance of their salvation to get serious, take God at His word and teachings and DO THEM, instead of sitting around talking about them and to DO THEM out of sheer Love and gratitude for a Saviour Who literally saved our butts from hell. He is either worth that to us or He is not.

For some of us, our lives are not our own. We belong to someone else. His name is Jesus and He will allow whatever devastations, etc. He has to to bring us to that ultimate truth. That's His business. For those of us who know this Saviour, our job is just to do all we can to "know the Love of Christ", personally and apart from any human being on this earth FIRST, then He will add blessings to our lives and souls to His kingdom as we do that. True LIFE awaits for those who do... even before eternity. That's our God!

I am truly inspired by your outlook and way of handling the devestation in your life. I want to thank you for inspiring me to push forward and not fall into the trap of giving up on my marriage and doing things the "world's" way because it looks so much easier. I have been guilty of this kind of thinking recently. Your determination to live a life that is glorifying to God is what I want in my own life. Thank you for showing me what it looks like to serve God at all costs while dealing with a man engrossed in sexual sin. How difficult it must have been for you to not be swayed by Christian's who are telling you to "move on." God has firmly planted his truth in your mind. I think I would have been easily confused. Thank you for reminding me that I am not free from sin myself. All sin is sin and just because my husbands addiction to pornography makes me want to vomit doesn't make the sin in my life acceptable, no matter how small I may perceive it to be. God has recently revealed to me that I never asked His will in wether or not I should have even gotten married and here I am suffering the consequences. Thank you for talking so candidly about the struggles you have faced. Although my heart breaks for what you have suffered, I am glad to know that I am not alone in standing up to the evil that persists to be let in to my home through my husband's weaknesses. Your intimacy with the father is awe inspiring. Your stories have given me hope for a peace filled life and a renewed vision of God's love. He has truly blessed you with reaching out to others. Again, thank you and thanks be to God for those who serve him.

Amberv, big blessings to you as you seek the Lord in all areas of your life.

After my first painful divorce, I truly didn't think I would have to go through this again- and especially with another Christian husband!! Life can seem so unfair. But, one thing is sure, God allows all these things in our lives to teach us about Him and we would never learn these things if we didn't go through certain things. Even though I am sorry for your circumstances, I am glad that you can see "the bigger picture" beyond them and know that God can be trusted to lead and follow. He is an adventure like we've never known and for those who "stick like glueth" to you-know-Whoeth (lol) we will see things that we never would have seen before. In fact, I already am and it spurs me on to keep following...... God bless you as you seek Him. Like He said, He can be found. He cannot lie and He certainly doesn't clown around with our lives.

Again, Seriously. I would make this into a book, because there are ALOT of people out there that would LOVE to have the wisdom you have. This is something that too many people struggle with, because they don't know where to turn, or who to turn to with their pain.

To be honest, I have found there are very few people in the churches who are willing to deal with sexual sins. They get real squimish and change the subject. It is an embarrasing topic yes, but it affects us all. I've found this to be true, especially in my family. My mom told me how "deeply hurt" she was that I shared the hatred I once held for my dad but what they fail to recognize is WHY it was very necessary for me to go to him and ask him to forgive me in order to come OUT of almost 30 years of secret shame and share it with others. I am beginning to understand that my own family would rather I not "go public" with my story. (By the way, the guy who told my parents must not have read the rest of my post and he failed to tell them why.) It was also to come clean before God and have no secret sins/attitudes that would hinder my relationship with Him. My parents want me to keep all of this to myself.)

What do some people have to hide, namely Christians? Why they so unwilling to address sexual sins? Especially in the churches? Are the pastors guilty of unrepentant sexual sins of their pasts and this is what immobilizes them from addressing it within their churches? Are they still blaming the women of their pasts, as my former husband did for "seducing him", and not taking FULL responsibility for their own erections?

Instead, I am an outcast. A "prodigal daughter". But then, I choose not to associate with my family and their church any longer (the two cannot be separated) because I can no longer tolerate this religious superiority attitude that presently exists. My former pastor has told people in his church that I have "erred from the faith", "can't endure sound doctrine" and am "following demonic spirits". LOL Rather than defend myself, I let them think what they want to think. Stands to reason... they have to because he played a MAJOR, KEY role in my former husband divorcing his first wife for no reason only to do the same thing to me. To put it quite bluntly, my former pastor literally aided and abetted a husband to commit adultery against his first wife and HELPED split up a Christian home and family by agreeing. And to agree is to have THE SAME ATTITUDE and to partake in someone's wrong doing. Don't tell me we sin to ourselves.

Sin is a domino effect and the only way to stop a domino chain from knocking down the rest of the dominoes is to REMOVE one. My former pastor could EASILY REMOVE the damage he helped create by going back and asking my former husband's first wife for forgiveness for not listening to her when she tried to tell him about her husband's unrepentant, unremorseful sexual affairs and all of the other sorid details I have shared in other posts. But, once again- prejudice and religious superiority is to blame for his lack of caring to listen to her. Now, the proof is out on the table (and was when my former husband decided to divorce a second wife without cause) and yet, I am to blame for my husbands' adulterous, sex-sick heart and mind that he had LONG BEFORE he came into my life of which he left the exact same.......

Oh, how one person can bring such cursing to so many lives just as one can bring blessings to so many. Don't tell me that we sin alone and to ourselves. Even nature disproves that statement.

Anyway, if I had been a professional soap opera writer, I would not have been able to come up with a story this "good".

The saddest thing of all to me is that the pastors and churches are asleep at the wheel and much is being done "in the name of God" that have NOTHING to do with God. I truly don't think people care to dive into this topic of sexual sins and bondage. I am ashamed to say that for most of my Christian life, I was more about "talking about God" than DOING and LIVING it and the Christian life is more about self-promotion and self-aggrandizement than it is about the Lord.

I've shared my story here for anyone interested. I don't expect people to care one iota. I wrote what I wrote in the hopes that perhaps one heart would be pricked to think outside the box they have made for ourselves and offer a different perspective as a challenge. My writing is done. I'm going on with God and long to live the rest of my days learning all I can about Him because He is so exciting and yes, He's ALOT of fun too!

Thanks for seeing some worth in my story. The Lord is not only worth of sharing- He is worthy of believing and following. That's a personal decision we all have to make. No one can do it for us. Not even the Lord.

Too many Christians do not know how to properly handle sexual sins, and it's KILLING them. It's eating away at them, little by little, and they don't know how to handle it. Not only that, but they also feel VERY ashamed for having committed sexual sins. I'd say that sexual sins are what holds SO many people back from what God has for them. It's FAR easier in a lot of ways to be delivered from an addiction to drugs, alcohol, food and so on than it is to be delivered from sexual sin. I'm not saying that it cannot be done, because it most certain can. I'm living proof of that. But that's not to say that as I was going through my deliverance that I didn't have to rid myself of wrong mindsets, forgive those I HAD to forgive so I could be free, forgive myself for committing sexual sin, and some other things that ONLY God could have worked out in my life. What kind of church did you attend that would do that sort of disgusting thing? That is just flat out WRONG.

I don't know how much clearer the Lord can make it when He said, "You shall Love the Lord your God with all your being" and "You shall not have any other gods before Me." That includes anything relating to sex.

He's not saying that we shouldn't hold things in high esteem and value but if they come first over Him- then we have a problem. He's a jealous God and He has every right to be! Here's the problem, the God-less and Love-less sex in porn is not even holding sex in high esteem and value so therefore, God is automatically thrown out the window too. To Love God and Love others is connected! The two cannot be separated!

Hosea could Love his adulterous and unsaved wife because He Loved God! No wonder Hosea was able to woo her to God! Duh! And automatically to himself by doing so! Duh again! Women long to be wooed by God's Love through their husbands. That is an inborn desire... "her desire will be for her husband." (As one of my good Christian friends said, "I would follow my husband anywhere if he Loved me like the Lord Loves me WITH MY TONGUE HANGING OUT!" Then, we broke out in laughter at her comment.) But, it's true. Wives long to be Loved, truly Loved. Let's face it- we often stay under crap circumstances and in lovelessness... how much more we would stick with our husbands if we were Loved by him as God defines it. Amen!

It is the Love for God that is missing in our individual selves that should motivate us to handle our sexual sins. No book can add to what God has already said in His word as how we should live. The Nature of Jesus by Gayle Erwin and The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason are two very fantastic books about Jesus' character and attributes of which we are to follow if we Love Him.

By the way, I'm glad you were delivered and healed from your past. And... I'm not going to say what "non-denomination" all of "this stuff" happened but I will say that my former husband is NOW ONCE AGAIN attending the same "non-denomination" with his new wife by his side as he was with his two previous wives. (I know this for a FACT- it is not speculation.) But hey, this non-denomination "works great" for him! Who knows... he may even be leading in ministry in this new church just like he was in the other two! As the saying goes, "If it ain't broke, no need to fix it."

Alas, God will have the final word on all of this.

The body of Christ has to let go of their idols and images of breasts, vaginas and penises before God can do anything, just like in the Old Testament when pornographic sex was the problem. If we don't, God will judge us and our nation like He did then.

Yes, the pastors and churches are asleep at the wheel. I've already learned that they are NOT going to listen to a woman because they are prejudice, and not even being a wife who didn't want a divorce didn't matter one iota. It will have to be the men who will take the stands and say, "I'm not going to make a god of sex and my penis anymore."

But... like so many Christian women, we are wondering...... where are they?????? And the Christian husbands who have left are in search of "that elusive woman" who will give them "sex like a porn star"- willing to swallow them whole without Love or Loving in return. (Maybe they'll swallow their arm and leg too while they're at it and then THAT will make them happy.)

When are the Christian men going to get so sick and tired of seeing God's creation and design of sex and sexuality made into nothing more than dung and vomit and start to fill their minds with the BEAUTY and INTIMACY of Jesus' Love so they can duplicate it in the lives of their wives as a way to show Love and respect for Creator God AND as a form of worship and service to HIM? Isn't our Christian lives supposed to be ALL about HIM and in every facet of it?

Our churches and marriages are only as strong as the leader of it and if the husbands aren't allowing the Lord Jesus to be the Head Leader- then there's a BIG, BIG problem. In analogy, one can still live if an arm or leg is removed but if there is no head- you're DEAD. The SAME is true in the spiritual realm in marriage. Yes, Christian men have THAT MUCH POWER- granted to them by God, "You will rule over your wives." God didn't say that as an endorsement for evil because He only grants authority with Love and blessing in mind... Period. Not for a husband's selfish and loveless intent. (This is not original with me in case anyone perceives me to be "man-bashing". I heard a wonderful pastor/counselor named David MacDonald say that years ago. He even said, "This is NOT popular teaching in the pulpits.")

Anyway... Inwards, Onwards and Upwards. Jesus is worth it.

You are exactly right. God has shown you all sorts of things during your times of pain, and as I've said before, it needs to be in book form. There's nothing I can add to what you've said, because it's ALL true. Men need to rise up and BE men, and stop fantasizing about their "dream woman" who will do all the sexually perverted things they desire, and will bow to them and tell them they're the sexual stud. Another way to say it is that men need to come back to reality, and realize that they're not as wonderful as they think, and the ONLY reason why they have the authority they have is because of God.

Any and all change begins in our MIND. Porn and all sexual sins will never be eradicated until we change our way of thinking. The sex portrayed in porn is as base as it gets. Sadly, too much supposedly "Christian" teaching in the churches actually supports the whole concept behind porn, which is: Sex is for the man. Womans' role is to please the man. Woman is to submit to whatever man wants. Then, as women and wives we accept this skewed view because we are told from the pulpit and by our husbands that we are to submit to any and every whim no matter how degrading, humiliating and loveless- not to mention one-sided- because by doing so, we are told that we are pleasing God and "submitting as unto the Lord." That is a lie. This is why many Christians- men and women- accept the lies and thinking behind porn and are ensnared in it.

In reality, it should be the ugliest thing to a Christian and especially within Christian marriage because it is absolutely opposite of WHO and WHAT God is.

God created us for DEPTH.

In the physical and spiritual realm, a lie doesn't not exist. It has nothing to substaniate and verify it or give it credibility or value, worth. This is another reason why porn and all sexual sins leaves humans emaciated, malnourished, starving, famished and eventually dead in body, mind and spirit.

God has a Solution. We can put on Christ's beautiful mind but we have to know HOW and WHAT He thinks. Fulfillment comes from doing what we were created to do: Love God.

Porn's way of sex seeks to please self and put one's self over another. God's way is to nuture, minister to others and esteem the other more highly than one's self to their fullest potential of His design. God never endorses lust and it is an absolute LIE for a wife to be told she is to submit herself to anything other than to Love, just as we are to submit to the Lord in LOVE in all things. For a husband to demand or require anything different is to not Love her as God Loves. In fact, he has no authority from God whatsoever to ask.

Some of the pastors and churches are lying to people. Jesus NEVER submitted Himself to partake in someone's sin. NEVER. He always chose the right way and if by doing so that caused someone else to sin, then so be it- but He NEVER contributed to anyone's sin. Wives are doing this everyday by continuing to have a sexual relationship with a husband who is a known adulterer of the heart and mind. She is contributing to his sin and therefore sinning herself. Jesus would tell her to "Sin no more". He would say the same thing to the husband and would tell him that he does not have His approval to use his wife sexually while all of these other women are in their bed. That's why He said, "Husbands who are adulterers and whoremongers, I will judge" since the verse in Hebrews refers to marriage.

This is all truths one will not hear from many pulpits and I realize this is NOT POPULAR teaching but hey... time to get real. Time to stop attempting to use God to further our own selfish agendas as if He can agree with any lovelessness on our parts.

Many pastors and churches are failing miserably in these most important LIFE issues and there are some of us wives who are living testimony of this.*** I have learned that if a pastor does not truly Love his wife as the Lord Loves her, he has NOTHING to say to me that I need to hear. Loving or not Loving his wife is a mirror of His relationship with God. Period. Sadly, as I stated in a previous post, even my recent husband told me while we were married, "I have never been in a church where the pastor truly Loved his wife." And, now that I think about it, my first husband said the same exact thing. Go figure. These are quite profound observations if one really stops to think about it and it's interesting how it carries over into all aspects of teachings in ministry.

Like I said, "Without the head, the body is dead." That is a truth- supported in the physical realm. Isn't it amazing how the laws/truths of nature support spiritual truths taught by Jesus?

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***I am not alone in having been married to a sexual misuser/abuser. One dear Christian friend, of whom I have had the privilege to minister to (and be ministered by), was married to a PASTOR of this same non-denomination. She never refused him sex in almost 20 years because she felt it was her "duty" and he demanded and reminded her of such, (using God's word of course) even though he inflicted pain on her- emotionally and physically. Oftentimes, he wanted her to pretend that he was raping her and wanted her to cry and beg him to stop. She told me, "My husband was raping me! I would cry and beg him to stop but he wouldn't! Then, he would be angry that I hated it." (It is no coincidence that he had an affair with another woman and divorced her to marry her. Duh! He was an adulterer of the heart and mind throughout their whole marriage. Duh again.) Another dear Christian friend's husband raped her because he felt he was "entitled". (Praise God- he has since confessed it publicly and asked her forgiveness. He has truly repented and is terribly remorseful.) I know of several other wives who have endured this kind of sexual misuse/abuse- all within our churches. So, it's not just porn actresses who are suffering. These Christian wives are just as precious. All of these men I just mentioned lead, teach and minister in the church! They are just as "sex-sick" as the porn actors! What must God be thinking of all this abuse of His ways, teachings and design while claiming to be "saved", "born again" and "forgiven"?? I can't even imagine how broken the Lord's heart must be over this.......

Here's some thoughts I wrote down during a sermon that are worth pondering and to help us/me discern between false "repentance" and true repentance in ourselves/myself and in others.

The Philippian jailor in Acts 16: 25-34 is the definition for True Repentance.

True repentance, or true turning away from one's sins, is: Asking and seeking forgiveness for the betterment of the one wronged at the expense of one's self.

Every true act of repentance has a "wound washing" ceremony following the seeking of forgiveness, based on humility from the wrong-doer. In other words, a seeking to make right at all costs.

True repentance never demands forgiveness from the one wronged. It acknowledges the wronged one's free will to forgive or not to forgive. If the wrong-doer becomes angry at not being accepted, that is a sure-fire indication that they are not truly repentant. Or if they seek to defend their wrong-doing in any way by saying, "Well God forgave me. You have to forgive me too." A truly repentant says, "Yes, I did do that but God mercifully forgave me even though I didn't deserve to be forgiven."

True repentance's foundation is Humility.

False "repentance" is not truly repentance at all: One "asks forgiveness" for one's personal gain at the expense of another. No change is brought about because there was no intention of a change on the wrong-doer's part. In other words, it is just mere words with no action to substaniate it.

False "repentance's" foundation is Pride.

There is a vast difference between the two.

The Philippian's repentance was so obvious and REAL that his whole household came to know the true God he came to know!

Hosea 4: 6-13 records that the household of the father who follows after his own righteousness and form of godliness will fall away from God into sexual sin. Serious stuff.

The pastor who taught these truths said, "Men and husbands have that much power to bring change in the lives of others if they themselves will truly repent/turn away from their sins." The opposite is also true.

For these reasons, I fear for my former stepkids. I am already seeing them following in their father's footsteps. It causes me great sadness and this is all being done while in the churches and "in the name of God." It got back to me that their father explained away his marriage to me as "Your stepmother was Hagar. I thought she was 'the promised one' but God had someone else in mind for me." They accepted that and were very glad their father found another Christian wife. Maybe she's "the promised one". Maybe not. How many "Hagar's" will there be? One can only wonder.

Hhmm... So... if I was Hagar, that would make him "Abraham" in his explanation to his kids. (In addition, I have not heard where he has ever encouraged them to contact their mother and ask her forgiveness for hating her for leaving their father. To date, they still hate her with a passion and have no intention of ever having her in their lives. All encouraged by their father of course.)

Abraham was so repentant of his relationship with Hagar, he sent her away with blessings and in great sadness for the sin he committed against God and her. He did not belittle her by calling her "crazy" and "unsaved" to win favor and sympathy from others, or try to lessen his sin by blaming her. Abraham took full responsibility for her AND himself.

Bottom line- much is being done in the churches that have nothing to do with God and He is being terribly misrepresented.

The Lord said, "Without true repentance, there is no forgiveness of sins." In other words, the Lord cannot pardon us for anything that is done with insincerity or in deceit.

We truly do reap what we sow and we can't fool God.

Very few pastors Love God (and their wives) enough to be able to say from the pulpit, "Husbands, we have no authorization from God to treat our wives in any way other than in His Love. Otherwise, we are on your own and will suffer the consequences of the negativity we have sown." (I have actually heard a pastor say that.) He went on to say, "If your pastor can't say that, his counsel and teachings are not of God."

Very sobering and powerful truths to say the least. How necessary it is for the pastors to begin to teach and lead with the heart of God. "There would be far fewer divorces because the ultimate success or failure of a marriage depends on the husband. Yes, he has that much power for GOOD in the lives of his wife and family."

Many men might disagree with that pastor but Hosea is living proof that that is true.

THAT is precisely how pastors/preachers/bishops are SUPPOSED to lead God's people: WITH THE HEART OF GOD! (begin sarcasm) Gee, what a concept! Do you mean that if I am called by God to be a pastor that I should actually LEAD His people with His heart? Talk about a revelation! (end sarcasm) I know from my own experiences of being married to my wonderful and Godly wife that I NEED to lead her as the husband that God has called me to be according to the way God wants me to lead her, and she in turn leads me the way God has called her to lead me. I think what happens is that when people get married, the man thinks that the woman has NO place in leading him anywhere, but he's the one who is supposed to do ALL the leading. But there's one HUGE problem with that: There comes a point in time when the husband NEEDS his wife to take the lead simply because he doesn't know WHAT to do, and he needs to humble himself before her and let her do what God has revealed to her that He wants done. This is not to shirk the responsibility off onto the wife. It is simply to say that the husband needs to learn to be HUMBLE and accept that he isn't always the "tough guy", and that's an OK thing. The bottom line is that we are ALL a lot weaker than we realize, and we ALL need to know the heart of God, ESPECIALLY before embarking on the marriage that God has for us.

You are so right graphicartist... Somehow this barrier of superiority must be broken down, even within marriage. When the Lord referred to a wife as a "weaker vessel", He wasn't saying she is LESSER in any way in the eyes of God and to her husband. He is referring to NUTURING and MINISTERING to her as one who is weaker, like a child for instance, who needs that to grow and flourish into maturity.

Now that it is thrown up in my face that our divorce is my fault- let's go from that premise...

If I was so "rebellious", "unsubmissive", "crazy" and "unsaved" and all of the above- then why didn't my husband who was STRONGER in his faith and knowledge of God (by virtue of having taught bible studies and who led in different ministries, even counseling married couples!!!) LEAD ME, as the weaker vessel, by EXAMPLE of God's Love?

Where was that leadership in our home and marriage? Come to find out, it wasn't there in his first marriage (and she was just as much of an "apostate", "heathen", "unbeliever" as I supposedly was/am.) Why?

This great man of God, as he and his children have declared him to be, had two wives who would have followed him to the ends of the earth, who longed for nothing more than just to be Loved for their person/soul, not their sexual body parts, and did not divorce him even though they both had VIABLE reasons but yet, he could not be an example of God's Love to them.

There is a simple explanation for that... he does not KNOW God's Love for himself. The Lord said, "A husband who Loves himself Loves his wife." The Lord is NOT endorsing narcissism and selfish "love". He is talking about the ONLY definition He knows- His Love. God IS Love.

My former husband cannot offer ANY wife true and lasting Love. He offers sympathy and this is why he seeks out women who have been sexually abused and misused, just as I was.

The problem is- I had been healed and delivered from a debilitating past and knew God's Love for my-Self... so much so, I was able to see his need for utter healing and deliverance. Since he does not know what loving one's self as God Loves them is, he can't live/reproduce/duplicate that Love into the life of his wife. His new wife has no prize whatsoever and I truly prayed that God would keep another woman from falling victim to his definition of love to spare her the great grief up ahead for her.

I know one thing, if a wife had done what he did right under the pastors' noses- those pastors would have called a posse together and beaten down her door to "set her straight". I know this for fact because that has been done on several occasions and I'm to the point that if I hear of one more woman and/or wife in this town who has endured this kind of emotional bludgeoning- I will take out an ad in the newspaper and start a support group.

Wives are not "lesser vessels" as so many husbands think and live but they are treated as such in too many cases. Since husbands have the power and authority of God to LOVE their wives with His Love, they are to be Loving them as if they are weaker. I have NEVER met a woman who does not long to be Loved for their person. Never. Let's face it, we women follow garbage- (women in porn are proof of that)- how much more we would follow Love? Even my dogs and horses respond to a Loving and confident hand, a soothing and wooing voice and attitude of Love shown through respect and dignity. How much more would we wives respond if treated in this same way? I'll just come out and say it- most husbands don't deserve the gift of a wife.

There has never been a person come to know the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ without having been wooed and drawn to Him by His Love. "We Love Him because He first Loved us." "His Love constrains/holds me." "To know, be intimately acquainted with, the Love of Christ..."

If God is not the standard of which we measure and can know Love, then we are most pathetic creatures indeed. Destruction of self and others is the very best we can hope for and destruction of marriage. Go figure.

Right when I'm feeling a little down about the loss of my marriage, I am reminded that it wasn't truly a marriage by God's definition. It wasn't me who was rejected and thrown aside- it was God. Immediately my chin and spirit is lifted and I walk forward in all assurance that I am Loved, utterly Loved. Amen.

Your ex-husband acted the way he did because he wanted to justify his wrong, sinful behavior. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, to put it bluntly, and that's not how life works. At least that's not how it works in regards to when we try to cover up our sins. That's just sad that he was given the green light to lead bible studies and to minister to married couples, but yet his own marriage was a MESS. It's sad that NOONE around him had the discernment to see that he was involved in some wrong stuff, and that he needed to be ministered to. Women are called "lesser vessels" ONLY because men are PHYSICALLY stronger than women. Meaning, men can lift more weight PHYSICALLY than women can, and can do more physically laborious work. This is most certain NOT to say that women are weak, and they are incapable of doing anything, because that is just plain stupid and wrong. What I believe that EVERY man needs to do is allow themselves to be weak before God, because they already ARE, and to humble themselves before God, because if they don't, then God WILL humble them. In other words, in order for God to work in the lives of men the way He wants to, their pride HAS to be gotten rid of so they can see themselves the way that God sees them.

Aren't you glad that God's judgment isn't to destroy our relationship with Him but for the purpose of restoring our broken fellowship with Him? His judgment is His Love and mercy displayed. How else would we come to know God in such an intimate way? What a GOOD God to find us worthy to suffer "whatever it takes" to teach us that His grace is greater than all our/my sins combined. This is why we can accept no sympathy, want it or need it.

Jesus didn't go to the cross and raise again so He can just hand out Kleenexes even though He is a kind Saviour Who does that. He'd be a puny Saviour if that is all He is capable of.

God doesn't relent one of His characteristics when He manifests another. What I mean is that just because God displays His love for us doesn't mean that He retracts His character of also being the God of wrath, the God of judgment, and so on. The way I see it is that we have thought of the wrath of God all wrong. We think of wrath in the terms of things being destroyed and wiped off the face of the earth, but God's wrath is LOVING, because God is love, and as I've already stated, He doesn't take away one characteristic of His nature when manifesting a different characteristic, so that means that His wrath is REALLY His zeal towards us, and God will do ANYTHING to have us as His own, even if that means allowing us to lose all the other things we think are important so we will see Him as the ONLY important One in our lives. THAT is God's wrath towards us.

So true graphicartist...

As a young girl growing up in the church, I used to think that God was so cruel- like He enjoyed mowing people over. But what I did not see and understand is that He PLEADED with people to heed His words and follow Him so they could live peacefully and in His power and LOVE, offered so freely, before He was ever forced to hold them accountable for their independence and rebellion. Even then, He was gracious to warn them. His heart was broken at their rejection to the point He even asked, "What have I done to you to deserve your anger towards Me?"

God's heart is to have intimate fellowship with His creation. Period. We choose our sin then we suffer the natural consequences of it and blame God! It was and never is His fault! He allows all our self-inflicted (and sometimes others-inflicted) tragedies because sin entered the world. He could have left us in all our tragedies for punishment and revenge. But... in His graciousness and LOVE, He gave us a Redeemer- born in filthy conditions and from a lineage of prostitutes and murderers so He can relate to our fallen state and in order to be able to bring us UP and OUT of it.

Yes, His wrath is nothing more than allowing our own self-imposed sentences so that we will be brought to a place of our own Death of Self so that we can become Alive unto God.

In all my years of hearing testimonies, I have NEVER heard of anyone coming to know the Saviour Jesus when they were "on top of the world" and life was going great. We simply cannot see ourselves as sinners unless we have been at the bottom and have died to self.

"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord"... Isaiah 6 records. It is only when "that thing" that is KING in our life dies will we acknowledge God as Lord. For some, it is sex. For others, it is money or recognition, or attention, or sympathy, or another person or a spouse, or ANYTHING that gets our energy over and above God. It's not that God wants to be first only... He wants to be in everything we do. We were created to know Him intimately in everything we do so that we can have a RELATION-ship with Him.

Yes, God's wrath is allowed only for the purpose of causing us to return to His original intent of creating us in the first place... To KNOW His Love.

One of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed was a cowboy riding his horse without a bridle or anything to guide his horse, while running at a full gallop across the wide open summer pasture to gather cattle, then turn and stop on command- just by feeling his master's shifting of weight. The communication and intimacy between horse and rider was absolutely incredible. It was so inspiring, I made a conscious decision at that moment to begin to know what it was like to allow God to have control of my life in the same way that horse allowed his master to control him. It made me think of the verse, "He guides me with His eye"...

I would rather be guided by God's eye than by His hand. I've had a few "holy spankings" and I've had enough of that. I'm ready to LIVE God's way as I learn to die to Self. Thankfully, He never gives up on teaching because He is a committed Father to His problem children. Truth is, I don't want to break my Father's heart anymore. I've done that enough too and even though I know I will... I want to be very quick to repent and be back in His Loving embrace and company. Husbands may come and go to seek their false dreams and continue to live in their secret lives with all of their images of porn women, but my Father and Lover of my soul, will always be there to woo and invite me into HIS reality of goodness and Love- so freely offered to ALL. What a God and Saviour!

TRUE intimacy with God is what He wants from us, because He SO desires to be with us, every single day. Not just on Sunday mornings and every now and then during the week at church. What is so terrible and insidious about the spirit of religion is that people have been duped into thinking that God, the Creator of EVERYTHING, doesn't want to have anything to do with us, His people He created in His image. We need to get out of our minds the whole concept that in order for us to come to Jesus that we have to first be "on top of the world", as if that's a good thing to be in the first place. Think about what that means: When we say that, we're saying that we are taking pride in us being on top of a world full of sin and corruption, as if that's a "good" thing to be on top of. What I think most people don't see is that whole attitude about being "on top of the world" is really nothing more than pride, because when we say things like that, we're saying that we're the ones in control and in charge of our destiny, which is a TOTAL lie.

The only thing God can't control is to force us to Love Him. It wouldn't be Love if He did.

True Love goes beyond Self and there is a great risk to not be Loved in return. Jesus took that risk for humankind.

Graphicartist, you mentioned that I should write a book about what I've learned through all of this tragedy and how it relates to the church...

There is a book I just finished that challenges our conventional thinking and is what I have learned through this experience. It's called "The Shack" by William P. Young.

It's excellent in it's message as he uses allegorical characters to convey God's heart for His creation of humankind.

Once again, it is the mainstream attitude of superiority that immobilizes and hinders the Christian community from experiencing all that God has to offer. It is too prevelant in our churches as if we have dismembered Christ's own body. And it is this attitude that keeps Christians from seeing the real needs of those who need ministered to.

We can hide behind our religiosity and churchiosity all we want but one thing is being terribly overlooked... Saved or unsaved, God Loves all humans equally just by virtue of having been born. No one is more precious than another. No one is more of a sinner than another. No one is unworthy of God's salvation through the work of Jesus Christ.

That is a given. The variable is whether or not we will willingly choose to Love Him. And for those who choose not to accept His sacrifice for their sin, they will have to spend eternity apart from His presence. The gift of free will is a wonderful thing... or it is a terrible thing. God cannot force us to Love Him and others.

"The Shack" is for anyone who would dare to think beyond themselves and who have the courage to form their own opinions.....

I pray that my former husband stumbles across it someday because he has been taught wrongly all of his life. The author knows what he is talking about because he has come from a history of sexual abuse (among other things) all the while hiding in the churches and ministry.

There is great hope in Jesus. In fact, He is our only hope. And what a glorious one!

Pray for your ex-husband to be apprehended by the Holy Spirit, and every time you think about him, declare and decree that God is hunting him down with His love. Whether or not your ex-husband knows this, God IS after him, to shower him with His love, grace and mercy. My wife read that book, and she said it was really good. She read it out loud, and I listened while she read. It definitely sounded like a good book. Another good book is The Penny by Joyce Meyer. My wife and I had that book, but we gave it away to someone awhile ago.

Yes, God has already promised to fulfill my prayer for him in November 2006 in the vision He gave me and confirmed. A promise to take a shattered life and use it for His glory. That is the joy and hope I have out of all of this and is what made all of this worth it. It's also the reason why I have no regrets.

Jesus is the Hound of Heaven. :^)

Thanks for the suggestion and another good book. To add to the list... "The Mystery of Marriage" by Mike Mason. It's more about our marriage relationship with a God Who is committed and devoted to us as His bride. It parallels our earthly marriages with our spiritual marriage with God by a man who truly Loves God and his wife. It's one of the most beautiful books I've ever read. I am amazed at how much the Lord is devoted to His much-soiled and unfaithful brides and is committed to teaching her how to Love by His example as the bridegroom.

I have a friend from Europe who has complained to me about our language and confirmed what I'd heard from others from foreign countries, "Americans don't say what they mean."

To be straight to the point- God's definition of words are different than humans.

When I say, "I Love God" and continue in my known sins, whether secretly or publically, I don't really Love God by His definition. I may want to Love God but I am not Loving God.

Love is action, doing- as proof of my Love. For so many years, I was "satisfied" with going to Sunday School and talking about God. Then, as soon as I left the building and the week began- or shall I say REAL LIFE began- I wanted to LIVE OUT what I had been taught but didn't. After all, I had talked about it so therefore it must be true in my life, right? I thought that was enough.

My prayers "felt" unheard because they were! The bottom line is- God cannot hear and answer any prayer that does not represent His heart, character and attributes. He allows us to continue in our sin by our own choice. To sin against him or to Love Him is a conscious choice.

That is why we can go for years with unanswered prayer when we pray prayers like, "Lord, please take my porn addiction away! PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE!" all the while knowing ahead of time that they are just words without conviction.

The truth is- He already did and we are not living in the victory of the work He already did when He nailed all of our sins to the cross and left them there when He rose from death- the punishment for sin- to LIVE again.

It is more truthful to say, "Lord, I do not Love You. I Love this or that sin more than I Love You." It is wonderful to want to Love God but it is much more wonderful to actually LOVE God by doing what He has said pleases His heart. He didn't leave us to try and guess what pleases Him!

He's not obligated to answer one prayer of ours that doesn't match up with His definition of the words we use. In fact, HE CAN'T.

Only when we live in the pure light of truth about ourselves will we be able to LIVE in the pure light of Jesus and are promised all of the benefits He offers.

I am so glad His definition of Love is different from mine. I threw the "love" word around so easily but yet what I was really saying and meaning was, "I love so and so because of what I GET from them." In other words, I didn't truly love them. I loved the sympathy I got from them. Or the approval. Or the flattery. Or "the stuff". Or whatever.

When we truly Love someone, we are more than happy to assure them of that Love. Peter was perturbed at Jesus' probing question of "Do you Love Me?" because he was having to do some soul searching on the spot- only to reveal that he didn't really Love the Lord like he had earlier claimed he "would die for".

And of course, crisis revealed Peter's true heart in regards to his "love" for Jesus.

I am in agreement with my European friends- we need to say what we mean and mean what we say when we are talking with God (notice I didn't say "talking TO God") because otherwise, He is just left standing there trying to comprehend what we are saying and can't. I envision the Lord standing there, shrugging His shoulders, and saying, "No comprehende."

If our prayers are amiss, there is a reason for that and just because we mouth the words "in Jesus' name" at the end of it doesn't mean our prayers will be answered. Only when the request we have asked correlates to Jesus' character and attributes will those words have any power whatsoever for answered prayer.

Jesus said, "If you Love Me, you will DO as I say." Not because He is a dictator (at least of the evil kind), it's because He is confident of the work He finished on the cross and He already knows that true LIVING and blessings can only come to those who truly LOVE Him. And, in addition- it is when we come to the place of Loving Him just by virtue of Who He is and what He did and not for what we GET from Him can we truly know what it is to LOVE Him by HIS definition.

No wonder His POWER is reserved for those who want to tap into the sheer glory and beauty of Him.

Yes, my definitions of alot of words has changed over these past few years. It is no longer enough to "love God" by going to church or talking about God. I told a good friend recently, "The next man I marry will have Jesus' name carved into his heart with a dull plastic knife before I will have anything to do with him." We laughed. I went on to say, "I don't have time for anyone who says they love God but is just a bunch of fluff words." I know the difference now.

What is marriage without living in the truth of one's self and in the truth of God anyway? I am married to the Lover of my soul. He's crazy mad in Love with me and the more I learn about Him, the more I long to be a bride to please His heart and thank Him for His never-faltering Love to show me again when I fail.

"I am your maker and your husband. The Lord of hosts is My name and I am Redeemer the Holy One of Israel. The God of the whole earth I will be called. For I called you as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when you were refused", says the Lord my God.

What a precious God, Lord and Saviour... and Friend.

I've had a book recommended to me on several occasions and was given a copy recently. It's called "Boundaries" by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend.

I'm reading it somewhat late but no matter, it is great how the Lord has confirmed things He had asked of me in this book by counselors who deal with these most important and often neglected issues of setting boundaries of which the Lord teaches us. Little did I know I would be exercising these boundaries these past few years and even into the present with my family.

There is a scenario of a "people pleaser kind of wife" who can no longer participate in her husband's sinful way of thinking and lifestyle. Her fear is that by "going against the flow", it will create more chaos in their home and marriage and her husband will threaten to leave or may even decide to leave her. Or... he may change.

I have never really given the term "help meet" too much thought until recently. Just what is expected from God of a wife "helping" her husband? Are we to help him stay in his sins by partaking in them or help him towards God and godliness by withstaining from them? These questions are answered and there is no more confusion.

As Christians, we are either gatherers of souls towards the Lord or we are scatterers of souls away from the Lord. No in-between.

I had to learn that by saying "no" to my husband was what God wanted from me just as God has to set boundaries with us. He says "no" to our sins all the while reminding us of His Love for us in whatever decision we make.

A husband with an unfaithful heart and mind most often expects his wife to cater to his sin of other women by continuing to have a sexual relationship with him or he will threaten to leave. And oftentimes, she will comply under angst of spirit, mind and body under the guise of "submission".

Jesus said, "No man takes my life from Me." What was Jesus' life but to please His Father by living righteously and godly? Jesus teaches us that submission is to be given freely, without coercion or manipulation otherwise it is not submission.

If anyone- be it husband, wife, family- attempts to take your life away by expecting you to do things that would displease the heart of the One Who saved you individually and personally, they are out of God's order and do not have the Lord's permission to do so.

Jesus set boundaries. He never crossed the line of asking people to do anything that took away their dignity.

A husband who participates in porn is taking his wives' dignity from her and especially when he expects her to have sex with him. As the book states, if a husband leaves his wife because she says, "I love you but I can't sleep with you and all of your other women in our bed", then it is best he does because he does not really love HER- the individual person. His true colors are revealed and no marriage deserves to live a lie. (The same is true for wives.)

After reading this book, with all of it's excellent teachings supported by God's Word, I can see now why the churches and pastors we have been a part of all mine and my husbands' lives are ineffective in teaching husbands how to LOVE God. Loving their wives towards God and godliness would be automatic, a given, if that were the case.

Even though Jesus was a servant to all, He never sought to please people or get their approval as His motive. Christians oftentimes define being a servant as one who is a people pleaser.

The problem with being a people pleaser in order to "get love and approval", which in reality is for SELF, is that everyone wants something different from them and they are left empty and with no individual identity. Even the Lord's spirit within them takes a backseat because their lives are not faith-led, they are emotion-led. And, in other words, they allow others to take away their dignity. No human being has the right to do that to another human being.

Jesus NEVER did that and this is why husbands who expect wives to "submit" to their sinful thinking and way of living, including their bedroom, do not have the Lord's permission to do so.

Isn't the whole purpose of being a blood-bought-and-paid-for believer of Jesus as Saviour and Lord to be made in His likeness? How are wives helping their husbands towards God when they comply to sex-sick demands? According to God's teachings by Jesus' statement, "No man takes my LIFE from Me", they are not helping their husbands at all.

I can see why this Boundaries book is controversial in some Christian circles. They are circles in which I never want to be a part of again because I have lost two Christian husbands in these circles and they have gone on to find other churches like this all the while seeking other women to marry. They live with no boundaries to "guard their hearts"... hearts of which they claim the Holy Spirit of God resides.

Jesus said, "Whoever frees themselves for the purpose to find another commits adultery." That's called "disposable people." We make a mess and rather than clean it up, we dispose of it only to use another. Jesus also said, "Do not harden your hearts."

Divorce is rampant in churches with that mindset. Now more than ever, I am understanding why. The sad part is our society is becoming more and more disposable and failed marriages are just a natural consequence of that way of thinking. 50% of Christian marriages fail. It is one thing to rightly divorce because of adultery/unfaithfulness, it is another to wrongly divorce to free ones self for future sexual partners.

Where is our individual commitment to Love God in the same way He Loves us by guarding and protecting our relationship with Him by fencing out those things that destroy that?

Oh, we want His salvation to keep out of hinnies out of hell but we don't want Him. The bottom line is, we love our sin more than we Love God and then we EXPECT Him to put His blessing on our lives.

Continuing to lust in pornography is proof of that. Yes, we truly do become what we focus on. We are what we think.

Now more than ever, we need to focus on Jesus- WHO He is- and quit using and abusing His Love. Too many Christians live like He is puny because they think puny. Then they have the audacity to blame and be angry at Him when things don't turn out the way they think they should. Shame on us for being such spiritual brats. How can He overlook our lovelessness when He is COMMITTED to Loving us?

I'm so grateful He is not like us/me and invites us/me to come up to HIS level of thinking.

Think BIG. He is a BIG God with a BIG Love to match. What a precious treasure He is.

I recently took up jogging again. Living in an apartment can cause one to get cabin fever and my dogs remind me of that quite frequently. So, to take advantage of these beautiful cool and quiet early mornings, I headed out with intent to stay with it. Besides, they love it and are great incentive.

It dawned on me that the day I started was my former husband's birthday. In a weird kind of way, it was like I wanted to have some sort of a connection with him.

I had never been a jogger before we met except on those few attempts when I tried to run 12 blocks and killed myself off by the second one. "Jogging ain't for me. After all, that's why I ride horses," I would tell myself.

The deal was- I taught him to ride horses, he taught me to jog.

As I ran, I remembered all the things he taught me about how to relax my arms and hands, how to lengthen my stride, how to pace myself, etc. My memory was also jogged about a story he told me about his track days in high school. He had the potential to be the State Champion- he knew it, his coach knew it. On the day of that imporant race, he stayed in the lead by a good length but as he neared the finish line, he started to slow down little by little even though he knew he could win it. He purposefully let the other guy win. His coach was so upset with him after all of the personalized training with his star runner.

After seeing the look on his face as he told me the story, I said, "Honey, why did you do that?" He said, "Because I was afraid to win."

I know his story is true because it was my story.

As I think back on this, I realize that we are our worst enemy. Some of us have done such horrible secret things that we feel as though we don't deserve anything good in our lives. And all the while, our hearts are crying out for some kind of intervention to help us get off our rollercoasters of shame. I also remember him telling me, "I am a runaway train."

Because I KNOW him, I know that he WILL sabotage his new marriage. The Lord tells us, "He who covers his sins will not prosper." Either the Lord is telling the truth or He is lying to us.

Our consciences cannot bear the shame and anything good that we TAKE for ourselves rather than allow God's hand to give to us. So, naturally, we sabotage it. As the old cartoon Pogo said, "The enemy is US."

My former husband could have been a State Champion. I have no doubt about that. He is a running machine and loves it. I caught on to that passion and decided to partake in it as a way to expand myself with someone I enjoyed being with.

I'm glad I experienced that with him. He was a great coach as he ran backwards, encouraging me not to quit. I remember his huge hug after going a full two miles without stopping and how he bragged about me to the kids- and everyone else.

As I thought of all these things this morning, I also realized that I had jogged twice the distance as I had intended. I felt strong and could have kept going but I needed to head back home to get ready for work.

On the way back, it dawned on me that the feelings and memories I had this morning is how the Lord thinks of us! I started crying inside because I remember those days when I felt so distant from the Lord because I didn't feel I deserved to know God and the blessed life He speaks of in His Love letter to us- as if it is for everyone else and not me. I KNOW that my former husband instinctively knows there is another train wreck up ahead and is daring God to stop him. He is empowered by his secret shame, guilt, pride, approval and acceptance from his kids and certain pastors of his past who helped him stay on the track he is on. He may have convinced everyone he is on the right track but HE knows otherwise.

All the while, God is following behind to pick up the pieces of a wrecked life- just like He has done since He made humankind and the way He did for me.

What is it about our conscience that won't let us succeed in our sin even if we say God is approving of it? Our conscience is a gift from God. It can be clean or it can be dirty. It can be free or it can be in bondage.

Having a clear, pure and clean conscience is an act of the will.

Our Lord longs for those He Loves to set aside the weights of a heavy condemning conscience so He can give us all the benefits of knowing Him. One of those is just being His FRIEND.

It hurts knowing that I truly Loved someone who did not truly Love me. I can't imagine how the Lord must feel and long for us to want to Love and know Him. I told the Lord this morning that I am thankful to feel a little bit of His pain in this... it makes me want to do all I can to get rid of any sin and hindrance from having a real, living relationship with Him- moment by moment.

I'm going to keep jogging. I was taught by the best.

I was in an excellent bible study awhile back. The word "dignity" was mentioned. Just what is dignity?

The dictionary defines it: "the quality or state of being worthy, honored, or esteemed".

Here is a scenario that explained it well...

A father is standing at the open door to leave. His young son is wanting to stay and continue playing with friends. He says, "Son, we have to go." The son says, "But I want to stay and play." The father then places his hand on top of his son's head and turns it towards outside and says again, "Let's go." The son willingly complies and takes a step out the door but the father's hand remains on his head, guiding him out the door. The son slaps at his hand and says, "I'm going!" The father mumbles, "Rebellious child."

At what point was the child's dignity taken away?, we all wondered.

The answer was: The moment the father kept his hand on his head and continued guiding him AFTER the son willingly made the step in the desired direction.

As a father, he had a right to tell his son they needed to go. He also had the right to place his hand on his head to encourage him to move out the door. The son was okay with that because he knew his father was the authority as his parent. When the father kept guiding his son after he already made the right choice is when he no longer felt worthy, honored and esteemed. The son's natural negative reaction to his father's now negative action took away his dignity- his ability to make the right decision for himself. By calling the child rebellious, the father violated the son's dignity.

Some said, "Well the father can do whatever he wants because he's the father." Others said, "Yes, but the child was doing what his father wanted."

We all eventually agreed... the father crossed the line when he continued to force the son after he already showed a willingness to comply and was doing what the father wanted.

I could relate to that example with various situations throughout my life and marriages. Perhaps all of us can.

Our Father God and Creator of mankind and Love never forces us. In His kindness, He always gives us the directions about the right way to go even if we don't want to hear it, then gives us the privilege and ability to choose. As a Loving Father, He must always seek to teach us as ones who need to be taught.

Once we've made our choice after knowing the facts- right or wrong- He does not force us by keeping His hand on us into making decisions against our will. The Lord is all about free will.

The Lord gives everyone dignity as a right of birth. And it is given, whether a believer or unbeliever. If He offers that to all, then we are to offer that to all as well. That is the reason no one has the right to cross the line in the life of another and why we must give people the freedom to choose whether we like their choice or not.

The Lord only accepts and receives actions done without coercion and without angst of mind and heart. His marriage with us is not out of obligation in any way but out of Love. That's why He CAN'T accept anything from us that is done in any way other than Love. That's why He says that He Loves a cheerful heart. That's why He said we are to give thanks in ALL things. What? Thanks for pain? Thanks for rejection? Thanks for betrayal? Thanks????

Yes, thanks. By learning to be grateful and give thanks in all things that He Loved us from before we were born, during all our experiences good and bad without any faltering or fail, our lives immediately become in subjection to a God Who allows our tragedies so that they can become HIS triumphs.

Who else but God can do this miraculous thing?

Like the boy in the story, so many wives have been falsely called "rebellious" and "unsubmissive" when all they wanted was to be shown dignity by their husbands like God Himself gives them. And like the boy in the story, those ones couldn't see that their wives' hearts were willing.

Are we taking for ourselves or are we letting God give back what we have risked to let go? The former does not satisfy, the latter one does more than we can imagine.

To the God Who promised, "I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten... you will eat in plenty and be satisfied. Praise the name of the Lord your God Who has dealt wondrously with you. My people will never be ashamed. You will know I am in the midst of My people, that I am the Lord their God and none else. My people will never be ashamed"... All praise, all glory and all honor.

What is dignity? Knowing, a.k.a "being intimately acquainted with", God.

Can we even grasp the beauty of God?

I Love the way God's quiet voice speaks and confirms things in our hearts.

It came while I was dusting and cleaning in my bedroom. On the night stand sits a huge, white family bible. The bible my husband had bought just for the purpose of filling out our Marriage Certificate in the very front on our wedding day, complete with our names, signatures of the pastor officiating and witnesses- just like people did in the old days before the state began issuing marriage licenses. I remember how great he thought the whole idea was.

I opened it for the first time in many months. In the front was the photo of us. I took it out to look at it one last time. I thought, "Man, look at our big smiles." Then I said, "Oh how I wish I could be bitter at you. Sometimes I think that would be easier."

I kissed his face then opened up the bible to Genesis 32 and with the photo face down, I placed it on the verses that God had promised to do in his life someday in the Lord's perfect timing.

He is in a most fitting place- safe and secure in God's care just as he has been all along. I could hear the Lord's soothing voice to my spirit saying, "You can fully let go now. I have a very blessed life planned for you. Let me be your Husband and fill your void."

With all deaths, a formal burial follows. My tucking away his image in God's blessed Word is my way of burying him once and for all. I now understand why the Native American Indian culture, which is very alive and well in my part of the country, practice a time of mourning for the dead. Even though I don't embrace it as my religion, I do appreciate the spiritual principle of it.

I can now move on into the blessed life God has for me. I have so much to be thankful for and thrilled about. My summer has been a blast- the Lord literally surprised me with the funnest job I've ever had while getting paid to hike along the creek all day. The trails run all the way through town up to the mountain just a few miles away. It's not work even though it is physically demanding... I call it "functional exercising". My summer has also been filled with new friends and LOTS of music as we get together with our mandolins, guitars, fiddles and banjos to sing and play our hearts out.

Life is GOOD. But no wonder... a GOOD God lives in it! Go figure.

Marchel;

I tried to write a comment in your guestbook, but for some reason, I can't access it.
Continue to allow God's healing in your life. Continue to cling to Him, and He will complete the work that he has begun in you.
God bless you, my sister. God's work is so beautiful in your life, and His glory and grace is shining through you.

Much love
April

Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums

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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies

"Continue to allow God's healing in your life. Continue to cling to Him, and He will complete the work that he has begun in you."

Amen. I Love the account of the disciples with Jesus in John 6: 66-68.

"From that time on, many of His disciples went back and walked with Jesus no more.

"Then said Jesus to the twelve remaining, 'Will you also go away?'"

"Then Simon Peter answered Him, 'Lord, to whom will we go? You have the words of eternal Life and we believe and ARE SURE that You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God."

Amen. Full steam ahead April. God has not done all of this work in us and brought us UP and OUT of Egypt for nothing!! The pain and loss is still fresh at times and I allow myself a good cry from time to time. I made the mistake of looking for some friends on Facebook yesterday and his photo was in their profile- complete with a smile and wedding ring on his finger. Man, I broke down again. This must be what the Lord feels when we reject Him. May we never stray again!

God is well-acquainted with these exact hurts. He hasn't forgotten a thing. Like the disciples who stayed- where would we go April? We have found the One Who holds eternal Life in His hands. Besides, we have already run and experienced all of the hell we will ever have to experience. Amen. Our Lord is such a treasure.

No turning back.

God bless you. I am always blessed at the things you share.

The past is only the past when it no longer controls our present and future.

A new Life awaits. Grab tight April... our Lord is of the "adventurous sort." :^)

Sidenote: Without knowing for sure, nor do I have reason to know... I made a prediction long time ago that my former husband would marry someone alot younger than himself this time around. Not that there is anything wrong with that in itself but...

I say this because since he is ALLLLL about sex, with his history of being with minors and because he went on and on about his first wife's engagement to a much younger man- he would do the same thing if given the opportunity. AND, because he divorced twice for the purpose of future sex partners...... Well... it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out.

All of this is of no consequence or importance to me other than it would be more proof that God's Word is TRUE. We will all remain the same throughout our whole lives unless there is some kind of "divine intervention" and appointment with God Himself. Thank God He never lets us stay the same no matter how hard we may try to.

There is a chance I could be wrong but... I doubt it. Yes, time reveals all- good, bad and ugly.

The good news is that even terrible experiences can be very GOOD teachers and God can be found, waiting, on the other end.

Nahum 1: 7-9 reminds me, "The Lord is good. He is a stronghold in the day of trouble. He knows those who trust Him. With an overrunning flood, He will make an utter end of the place and darkness will pursue those who hate Him. What can you imagine against the Lord? He will make an utter end. Affliction against God will not rise up a second time."

I'm thankful for this hard lesson these past few years. God knew what it would take to rid me of the Christian superiority attitude- over unbelievers and other Christians- that has existed in my family and church family all of my life. I have asked other Christians around town to forgive me for distancing myself from them all because they did not go to church where I went.

The disciples were constantly at each other with their religious superiority attitudes, their "one-upsmanship", all because they "hung out with Jesus" as if He Loved one more than another. Yet, all the while, they did not really know HIM. Was Judas Loved any less than the others even though Jesus knew he would betray Him? No- Jesus called him "friend" and the disciples had to ask who would betray Him. If Jesus had treated Judas any differently, the disciples would not have had to ask. This is proof that the Lord Loves all equally- saved or lost, whether in sin or not.

The problem of this superiority is still alive and well in our churches today. I'm glad the Lord has taught me how to recognize it because until this past marriage, I did not know it existed in me. Now I see it everywhere.

No soul is more precious or Loved more than another in God's eyes. "For God so Loved THE WHOLE WORLD that He gave..." I am not Loved by God one millimeter than another and this is why He reserves the right to bring ALL of us to "an utter end"- in His time and in His way to teach us this most paramount lesson.

How different our churches, our homes and marriages would be if we could grasp the importance of this. Husbands would Love their wives as ones of equal importance to God and stop seeing them as lesser and only for the purpose of fulfilling their every sexual whim and fantasy. They would feel a responsibility to nuture her by example in the same way Jesus treated Judas.

No matter... To God be ALL Glory given. Amen.