Porn Star Penny Flame a Recovering Porn Star
Penny Flame a Recovering Porn Star
She writes on her blog about her recovery on April 29, 2009:
My name is Jennie, and I’m an addict. (Hello Jennie.)
I just masturbated for the first time in 25 days. The let down was huge, like doing a line of cocaine, 20 minutes after wishing for another, my body is left tingling, but there is nothing in that orgasm that leaves me satisfied. The session didn’t last more than 4 minutes, and the climax was 30 seconds max. So I went for another. Body still buzzing, but the feeling that I could sit here all day and try to recreate that first one washes through me, and I know I have to bid my vibrator fair well.
My name is Jennie and I am a sex and love addict.
I graduated from a rehab clinic 5 days ago, and haven’t known what to do with myself since then. My therapist Jill says I need to create a structured day plan Sunday through Sunday, and it is within this structure that I may find my life. She says occasionally things will pop up that interfere with my plans, but like life, these things will be dealt with moment by moment. I’m still unsure of what healthy masturbation is, but recognizing the feeling and memory of my old habits helps me see that I am not ready to partake of my ”self” yet. Even after three weeks of intensive therapy, I know that I am not ready for sex. Even with myself.
Today is a big day, as every day has been since my release upon the world. Its funny. I went to jail a couple years back for an OUI, had to do a 24 hr stint in the big house, and upon my release, I put out press saying “Penny Flame is freed upon the world again.” This release feels entirely different. It feels like Penny Flame was never free. But I suppose she wasn’t. There is nothing free in existing within a persona created for the purpose of other’s enjoyment. There is nothing free in playing a character that isn’t you. There is nothing free about being someone other than the person you are. And this is why I have decided to leave Penny behind, and move forward in life as Jennie. The person I started this world as, and the person I will be leaving this earth as. Because one day Jennie will die, where as Penny Flame can live forever. Especially since I’ve shot enough content to have new releases coming out until the day Jennie dies. The things we do in the midst of an addiction never cease to amaze me.
And I am amazed.
I am amazed at the amount of change I’ve gone through in such a short period of time. I’m amazed that even in being out of rehab, I wish to return to the comfortable structure that PRC provides. I’m amazed that looking out in the valley does nothing but make my stomach churn when thinking about the life and woman I am leaving behind. And I am amazed that I’ve found the courage within myself to leave this woman behind. The strong, emotionless woman I’ve allowed to dictate my life is to be left behind in the valley of pornographic material and lost hearts.
Every year hundreds, probably thousands of girls come to this valley to be the next Jenna. The next Bella. And now, perhaps they will come to be the next Penny. Unfortunately, none of these people are real people. Jenna has a real name, and life, as does Bella. And now I can too.
My name is Jennie Ketcham, and I am a recovering pornstar. And addict. This day, as every day, is the first day of the rest of my life, and I intend to live it to the fullest.
Shelley is inspired by Jenni and writes:
I was so touched when I read Penny's blog. I saw so much of myself in her as I read about her leaving the emotionless character "Penny Flame" behind and becoming Jennie, the woman who was meant to live life to the fullest.
As I read her blog I cried because I know exactly what it feels like to leave an old life, an old person behind who lived in many lies and to have the courage to try and be someone new. It was the emptiest and most frightening time of my life. I didn't know what color this new person would like. (My favorite color while in the sex industry was black of course). I didn't know what foods this new person would enjoy. I didn't know what it meant to be a real Mom or even how to be a normal person who could interact with normal people. I couldn't handle daylight and always wanted the curtains closed. The first couple years I was the only person I knew who wore sunglasses everywhere I went and I even lived in dark and rainy Washington State!
Um yeah, I was a little wierd during my early recovery. Hiding my demons and pain behind a pair of sunglasses with a pack of kleenex in my purse. I never knew when I would have an outburst and just start crying. Oh but wait, porn stars don't cry. We don't do that. We're tough. Wrong. I bawled my eyes out for three years straight. Ask my poor husband who had NO idea what to do for me except pass the kleenex.
It was a very frightening time of recovery and discovery for me and only the love and power of Jesus Christ got me through it. God helped me bury that old woman "Roxy" and create a whole new person named Shelley who I could look into the mirror again with diginity and self-love. It took me eight years to recover but today I know who I am. I know exactly what I am supposed to do and I know my favorite color is hot rose pink. (smile)
I also know the seriousness of the call on my life to expose the lies of pornography and to reach out to those who exist as "characters" in the porn wonderland of lies and help them become real people again. People who are made for greater things than porn. Beautiful people who are called to use their giftings and talents to make their special mark on history.
Because of the seriousness of this call, I admit, myself and my family have lost much of the life we worked hard to build. We lost our privacy. We lost our time. We lost almost everything normal in our life. Everywhere I go, people tell me about their pain from porn addiction or sometimes people feel strange around me. My daughters' friends ask them why I was on MTV or why I was a porn star. My little girls don't get to grow up like most other little girls. Yes they're involved in sports and music lessons and we do everything we can to make their lives seem normal but it will never be normal for our family again. We fight porn and help porn stars. Even the church doesn't feel comfortable doing that. Just the word "PORN" makes people extremely uncomfortable.
Hmmm...I wonder why.
Yeah it's pretty strange around here. I also now have what I call SDR syndrome where I am utterly exhausted by the suggestions, demands and requests I receive all week long from people all over the world and from all different walks of life. I don't sleep right anymore and porn is in my dreams. A psychotherapist friend told me recently I may have some disorders and an ulcer due to "occupational hazards." Um, ya think?
I admit for the first time since I began this fight four years ago I have actually thought about quitting. Man I hate that word!!! But I'd rather die than quit. I hate porn. I hate seeing women and men lied to and destroyed by this industry. I hate seeing children violated by porn and how they imitate porn stars and use their cell phones to make porn videos with their friends. I hate hearing from wives how devastated they are because of their husband's addiction. I hate hearing how men have lost their families, jobs and friends because of their addiction and something in me screams out "ENOUGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Enough is enough. Porn has to come down. I don't know if it will come down in my lifetime but I do know I will fight the good fight of faith and blaze a trail that hopefully millions of others will join me on and stand up against this huge evil and ultimately porn will be removed from the face of this earth and families and people will be whole and healthy again.
My recovery was strong. My glory years at the end of my recovery were absolutely amazing. I had it all. The healthy and romantic marriage, the strong and healthy kids with lots of family fun, where being a Mom and Betty Crocker brought me so much joy and of course the highlight of my day was spending time with God in my rose garden. The word porn wasn't even mentioned in my home for 10 years. But then the call from God came, the chains were slapped on and now our life is very different. My family is fighting porn and it's not glamorous.
But no matter how dark it gets, we trust God. We KNOW God is with us. We KNOW this is is His work. We KNOW He is all powerful and all knowing and is perfectly capable of sustaining our family through anything.
Please pray for our family for a greater supernatural strength to keep going. Pray for more resources to come in so we can really help people trapped in porn. Pray for Jennie that she would recover strong and know the amazing love of God. Reading her blog again I noticed she wants nothing to do with God. She just doesn't know how good He really is. Please pray she would experience Him in a personal way. Please also continue to pray for other precious women recovering. Pray harder than you ever have before. We need more people praying. We KNOW God hears your prayers and is setting people free from the porn industry and porn addiction because of those prayers.
You may also see more of our prayer needs here.
We love you and thank those of you for praying and supporting our family and the work of Pink Cross Foundation. We definitely could not do any of this without your prayers and support.
Love and much gratitude,
Shelley
Comments
Shelley you are doing great work and you have every right to be angry and be mad. We should all be furious at the porn industry and praying for its destruction (as some of us are). But please fight the good fight. Be a heroine for the movement and for all of those who need you. How many times have I seen porn victims refer to you as mother. Satan does not want you to continue your work and that is why you will continue to see stumbling blocks and disappointments. God Bless!
Jennie you will be prayed for in hopes that one day you will be free. God loves you and God is love! Congratulations on your decision to get out of the porn industry. It is my prayer that you will come to accept you for who you are and not becuase of the decisions you have made. You are a Human being not a Human doing and all the value you need is in that statement. Prayers and God Bless!
It's great reading stories like this.
It's also why it's important to pray for this ministry, and support them as well.
I'm happy for you because as much as we are drawn and even hate that addiction most of us always go back.
That's great Mike and looking on born again experiences like myself and I was just thinking of C.S. Lewis it really makes sense. That's really good!
I am grateful to God that It is strong to release from chains of slavery of people. He has told "True will make you free". Also it is the truth...
And I wish to tell that influence of the American pornography extends worldwide..., know that it reminds me - the Sodom.
And especially it would be desirable to allocate in embroider to the country production of Beladonny. Through this person the devil obviously operates... Pray that it has stopped this year!
I ma really happy about her choice and new life that she is going to begin!
After reading this I thought of this quote.
St. Francis said "All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle"
While the fight is hard two things give me hope and strength. God is in control even when it does not feel that way and that heaven is our real home not the fallen earth we live in now.
Shelly you are a true hero and inspiration to me. I was lost in porn addiction for over 15 years. My wife moved out and wanted a divorce. It was all over I had lost the things most important and I could not see a way out of the darkness. Then God made a way. I watched your testimony video and from that day on my eyes where opened and I now see what porn really is.
God restored our relationship and we are together again. It takes time to heal but praise God we going in the right direction and it is getting better every day.
I want you to know that we are praying for you in this fight and that your heavenly rewards will be far greater then any pain and suffering you face now.
Blessings
Kinu
Wow, it's this kind of encouragement that gives us strength to carry on. Thank you so much Kinu for being used by God to help my hubby and me keep going. We're often tired these days and are always praying for greater strength and this beautiful comment comes our way and gives us strength again. Thank you deeply. Thank you all of you who have encouraged Garrett and I these past four years. Never underestimate the power and gift of encouragement to the Body of Christ. It literally blows the breath of God back into a life.
Love and blessings to you Kinu and your sweet beautiful wife,
Shelley
I read where you said you will blaze a trail and fight the good fight of faith where hopefully millions of others will join you and porn will be wiped off the face of the earth. And shelley im one of the millions. Yea im one of the ones.
The work Shelley does is very important and DOES make a huge difference to so many people's lives. The Pink Cross has helped transform the way I regard porn. More importantly than that, it has done so much to help women out of it. The testimonies of people like Patrice and Tamara are awesome, and truly transformatory.
Other people's paths to God are less direct. Mine certainly was long and convoluted with all manner of dead ends and false starts. But through His grace, I found Him.
To change the metaphor, what does it mean to be "Born Again"? This is something we need to think about. True, all true Christians should be "born again to Christ", but we need to realise this can happen in different ways to different people.
Actual births are not all the same. Some are premature, some are overdue. Some are agonisingly painful, others are virtually painless. Some take seconds, others take days. Some require the assistance of others, even medical intervention.
Other births happen lonely. Some births are multiple births, others single. Tragically, some births give rise to monsters, others to still birth, more tragically still, some are aborted. According to my belief, there was one very special birth that totally transformed the way all humanity relates to the Ultimate Fact behind the universe.
So if physical births are so varied, so must re-births to Christ. Thus I pray for Jennie in the course of her difficult, protracted birth.
I pray for Shelley too. The work you do is invaluable. God give you strength to continue and take all you do further still! Amen
Wow Mike that was awesome. What a wonderful way to look at being birthed in Christ.
It's an inspiration to be sure; I hope she can come to see God without the media-ruined image of him she sees right now. But just to know she's beginning on a path away from that is good.
I'm not crazy about her still directing though. If she sees how broken and full of problems being a pornstar is, why perpetuate the system? She speaks true in her blog when she says that it isn't all the fault of porn or being a pornstar, but that lifestyle is nonetheless destructive and conducive to the things she is now beginning to walk free from.
As I said, though...still a hopeful thing just to see someone beginning to get away from that place.
me how hard it must be for someone to leave the porn industry for good and how strong Shelley Lubben's Faith is
I admire you Jennie,and even you Shelley.I know very well how hard is to come out,but don't give up Jennie!!The power of Jesus is enough for you,God knows that you can not make on your own.And even if you fall DON'T GIVE UP because the end of those hard recovery days is victory,peace,freedom,joy!I am praying also for you Shelley, for sure it is hard for you and your family,but I know God will bless you for giving up your precious time,energy and your "normal" lifestyle.Our Saviour has the power and the ability to change this whole dirty lie world.God bless you!
Hey, Jennie;
I am so glad that you decided to leave porn to pursue life. So much of what you said struck a huge chord, on such a deep level. Yep -- complete emotionless and vapidity. Having your own identity being consumed by who you put yourself out there as....and the thing about the emotionlessness, the fact that the industry feeds off of the emotionlessness. You stop feeling as a way to cope, which breeds even more emotionlessness.
I know the vicious cycle well, but I just want to let you know that this incredible new journey that you have set yourself on -- It is exhiliarating. Learning how to feel again -- It's like learning how to breathe again after being smothered by this persona that you created for yourself. I am so excited for you!!!!!
I find it interesting that you used the term "love addict." Ya, I know where you're coming from....more like being addicted to the illusion of love. We both know that there's no real love in porn, but if it's the only love you know, you can become addicted. Porn offers so much, but delivers less than zero. You are worth tons more than that!!!!!
Jennie -- You are one strong woman for getting out of there. Run, run, run, and don't look back. Like Tammie said, you are much too smart to stay in that sesspool. You have a lot going for you, and a bright future, and I will be praying for you, because God hears our prayers!!!
Love ya!!!
April
Beloved Branch
Moderator
Pink Cross Forums
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Ps. 108:13 Through God we shall do valiantly, for it is He who shall tread down our enemies
An absolutely awesome testimony, Jenni; really thought-provoking and insightful. You've done absolutely the right thing leaving this half-life behind, and the power of your writing indicates the power you have for inspiring others. But first you need to heal yourself. . . .
". . .but there is nothing in that orgasm that leaves me satisfied."
The British journalist and author Malcolm Muggeridge (1903-1990) once lamented that in our "permissive" society "The orgasam had replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image of fulfilment." He'd been a Communist and a serial womaniser as a young man, but came to Christ in his 60s.
Muggeridge said that in the late 1960s, but who could have forseen back then the darkness that '60s liberalism would lead to: the broken lives, the mass addictions, a merciless sexualised consumer culture, the sexualisation of childhood; the longing and fulfilment that we all seek as part of our human nature reduced to the debased emotional currency of cheap thrills and muscular spasms.
"Penny Flame was never free. . .There is nothing free in existing within a persona created for the purpose of other’s enjoyment."
Absolutely, the world in which we live encourages us, almost forces us to live in false "personas", never really knowing ourselves. God knows, I've lived so much of my life under these kinds of delusions.
But I'm not sure the "Penny" persona even really lived for others' "enjoyment", those of us who have or are trying to get rid of porn addictions know that like any addiction the "enjoyment" phase is a fleeting thing, and once that's gone all that's left is compulsive, habitual and ultimately meaningless behaviour that achieves nothing but separating us from ourselves and from God, leaving us feeling ashamed and confused.
This sort of objectification prevents us from living authentically for each other, and for God. Porn merely an aspect of a wider phenomenon of this fallen world that turns each of us into an egotistical "I" viewing others as an "IT" to be used and exploited. The Jewish philosopher Martin Bauber suggested that forging more intimate I-THOU relationships with ourselves and with God is a way of overcoming the mercilessness of the I-IT view of the world.
"Because one day Jennie will die, where as Penny Flame can live forever. Especially since I’ve shot enough content to have new releases coming out until the day Jennie dies."
Don't bank on it! The power and eloquence of your words suggests to me that Jennie is able to achieve greater and more lasting things than Penny ever could!
"The things we do in the midst of an addiction never cease to amaze me."
Absolutely again! What more can I say? Elsewhere on these fora I've mentioned what addiction has done to people who I have loved dearly, and what they have done to me.
"And I am amazed that I’ve found the courage within myself to leave this woman behind."
Grace is truly amazing. . . .
"The strong, emotionless woman I’ve allowed to dictate my life is to be left behind in the valley of pornographic material and lost hearts."
Was she really so strong, Jennie, or was it just the illusion of strength, or that our materialistic society somehow values the surpression of emotion as "strength"? You mention "lost hearts", and earlier that you were a "sex and love" addict.
Perhaps this is they key to understanding the young women who go to lose their hearts in the valley of death, and the voyeurs who stare into that valley's pain and suffering through their computer screens; we lose our hearts in the mire, and when we can no longer feel we mistake this for strength; we make idols of loneliness masked in lust, and mistake this for the love that we all need.
"Every year hundreds, probably thousands of girls come to this valley to be the next Jenna."
I really feel that the tide is beginning to turn against porn, and that we all of us can be agents of change, getting control over our lives, learning to live authentically once again and helping reset our society's moral compass.
God bless you Jennie.
Jennie's testimony is raw and real. I'm getting ready to read this again. Not just to say a 'sex addict' but a 'sex and love addict'. Wow, that really puts things in perspective. Never really looked at it that way...A great read for anyone who seeks to be free of their porn addiction.
Praise God for daily miracles...!
dbond911
Moderator - Pink Cross Team Member
What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.
Reading her blog fascinates me. So often, I don't think people understand the depths of pain that someone healing much confront in order to be truly free. May God hold her tight as she seeks to flee!
Oh, Lord, do hold her tight!
And to think I was just sitting in my room last Thursday night watching the AVN 2009 awards on Showtime, praying that one of these girls that's on the show will hopefully realize that there's no prize that's truly rewarding in porn unless you set yourself free from the sex industry.
Funny enough, I didn't watch it all the way through but just at the part where Penny Flame and Tera Patrick were presenting awards and then turned it to the 700 club and prayed for them both and everyone else trapped in the industry. I'm in tears right now that He actually heard my prayers. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!
Jennie, you rock and we love you! Welcome to freedom and reality, girl! I knew you were too smart to stick around that place!
Lots of Love & Hugs,
Tammie aka. Tamra <3
And know that i am praying for you Shelley as you fight the fight God has annointed you to! The cost is high, but the Lord is using you to make a big difference in the world.....you are a blessing, and you have inspired many others to reach out with the love of God....so know you are loved and prayed for, and so is your family!
Carolemarie
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
Welcome to the world, Jennie! We welcome you back with arms wide open and are ready to help you when you need us!
Shelley, you are an inspiration for many. I wish I lived in the States, I would gladly join you in the fight against porn! But since I live in Europe, know that I am beside you in the battle: we are together in Jesus and "when God is for us, who can be against us?"
amazing and inspiring and tearjerking
Underoath
Moderator
Pink Cross Team Member
Praise God ! This is awesome ! We're all praying for you Jennie Ketcham ! n_n;;