A Pastor's Porn Confession

I was exposed to sexual touch and sexual images as a very young boy. I wasn’t even old enough to realize that shame was normally attached to many of the things I experienced. I won’t go too far into that part of my life, except to say that I believe it left me wide open to the things that I would see and be involved in during my adolescence.

Finding a stash of Playboy’s tucked away somewhere is something that many of us have probably experienced. Sure enough, I was able to spend many days of summer vacation going through the pages of all of the beautiful bunnies over and over again. I wasn’t quite sure exactly what kind of response I was supposed to have towards these images… but who cared, they looked great.

Around this same time, I also found a literotica book about a teacher who liked to invite her young students over for private ‘tutoring’. The words on the paper blew my mind. And the feelings that they generated began to burn their way into my my mind, and I knew then, that I wanted more of it.

One of my friends had discovered some old vhs tapes of the hard-core films. So, with one eye on the tv, and one eye out the window, we would get a sex education that was way more detailed that anything the schools were going to teach us.

There was one week during a school year, when I was walking home that I found a different hard-core magazine on the side of the road every single day of the week.

This stuff seemed to just follow me around… and it was all before the end of middle school. By then, I knew that everything I was doing needed to be hidden, if it was going to be enjoyed. And that is what I got to be really good at. Hiding it.

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By the time I got into high school and the first few years of college, masturbation, reading stories, watching movies, and even being able to act out on some of the fantasies that had so captured my attention had become just a way of life. Of course, at that point, I was surrounded by a ‘band of brothers’ who were into keeping score on how often we were able to score.

I remember my first bachelor party when there were strippers present. The best I could tell, these young women were totally enjoying what they were doing, so I might as well enjoy it to.

By the time I was in college, I had already wracked up a good decade of sexual exploration through porn and relationships.

These college years were a time when many young men are recklessly abandoning any sense that they have and attempt to ‘conquer’ as many young ladies as possible. In a way, I was no different.

There was one weekend that opened a hole of emptiness inside of me that grew throughout the years. As it grew, I had to scramble to cover it up, or deny it, or find a way to avoid the darkness that it brought to my soul.

On this particular weekend, I had partied pretty hard, and slept with several different young ladies. By Sunday night of that weekend, I knew that something was wrong.

The only place that I had to turn to deal with the darkness I was feeling, were a couple of my buddies from school. I basically let them know that I felt that something was wrong with the weekend that I had just had. In their eyes, I was ‘the man’, and they patted me on the back and went back to their game of pool.

I knew that I had to get out, and so I left college.

Leaving college got me away from that campus life… but it didn’t make the growing emptiness go away. Not at all.

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Growing up, I was always talented and passionate about music. And so when I entered the next part of my life and knew that I had to do something relatively productive, I leaned back on the music.

The community college in the town I grew up in had an orchestra that I knew I would be able to find a place in. However, the director of the orchestra was on a sabbatical during the semester that I went back. So the kind folks in the admissions office pointed me in the direction of a jazz show choir. I hope that those videos never make it to youtube.

The jazz show choir offered a full-ride scholarship, and was in need of male bodies to fill some spaces on stage.

It was in this choir that I met the young lady who would soon become my wife. I knew that with her, I wanted to live a different lifestyle than I had just left behind at my last school, and I did.

It was Emily who introduced me to the Way of Jesus, and so this was a very exciting time on many different levels. I was head over heals for this girl, and we were quickly engaged, and married within the first year of our relationship.

We moved to a new city, quickly bought a house, and began to live a pretty successful life as a young twenty-something couple.

It was also during this time that the internet began to become commonplace in homes across our country. It didn’t take to long for me to find the secrets that the internet held to help me fill that emptiness that had been sitting quiet inside of me for quite some time.

I was soon finding that if I could tuck Emily in to bed, then I would be able to have the glow of my digital beauties all to myself for a couple hours. At first, these new experiences with the internet were fairly moderate. But, it was in the back of my mind that I could go there whenever I needed to.

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During these years, I was also very hungry for more of God in my life. I had had an ‘end of the rope’ type of experience that left me clinging to God for my life. Shortly after this, I received a call into ministry, and was on fire for God.

While visiting the university that I would attend, I was able to spend a few moments with the head of the psychology department. Part of our conversation turned toward the issue of pornography. I don’t remember if I felt any shame during the conversation, but one thing she said stuck in my mind, and was a seed that would later bloom into the starting point for my healing.

During that conversation, the professor told me about tests and studies that were being done to measure the effects of pornography on the brain. She told me exposure to porn would actually release chemicals that were similar to addictive street drugs with the human body. This meant that people could actually be ‘hooked’ on pornography.

At first, it was just some really interesting information. Two years later, as I was taking a break from my Biblical studies to visit some of the other women in my life on the internet, the words of that professor came rushing back into my life.

I turned the screen off, sat back into my chair and came to grips with the fact that I had an addiction. It wasn’t that I was just some pervert who like to get off looking at the girlies on the computer screen. I had a problem, and I needed help.

Now, this was during a period of time before the church was actually talking about this ‘secret sin’. This was before XXXChurch and The Pink Cross Foundation. There really wasn’t any place for me to go and vocalize this revelation in my life. I was at the same time relieved that I could admit that I had a problem, and terrified about what this exposure would bring into my life. The shame of being addicted to pornography is something that will keep men (and women) silent in their misery for years.

So, I did something crazy. I got up from my desk, went to the living room, where Emily was sitting… and took a deep breath.

“Honey, I think I have a problem.”

Emily looked up from her television program, and said, “What is it?”

“I believe that I am addicted to pornography.”

Her response was one of grace and confusion. I imagine that God must have been protecting her heart from the blow that many women feel when they discover that their husbands have been turning to images of other women for sexual satisfaction. Maybe it was the directness by which I brought this truth about my life to her attention. I am fortunate that from that moment, she journeyed alongside me in finding the answers about this addiction that I had. I know that many men, whether after getting caught or ‘coming clean’ do not meet the same level of grace that I did that evening in Indiana.

On the confusion end of the response, remember that talking about pornography as an addiction was not something that was as common place as it is today. In fact, when Emily would talk about what I was going through with other trusted friends (because she needed some support in the process as well), she was met by something similar to this: “an addiction? that is just something that guys do.”

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That was the starting point for the journey that I am on today. Of course, there are details that could be filled in here or there to add more depth and fullness to my story, but I just wanted you to catch a glimpse of my background.

I am sure that your story has had some twists and turns that are unique and different than mine. I would love to here about it, and find places that we could walk together on, to encourage each other, and to keep each other lifted up in prayer.

I know what you are going through.

I know how dirty you feel sometimes.

I know that you sometimes wonder if you will ever be able to break free from the grip of pornography.

There is hope.

You need to understand that I am not ‘man enough’ with this addiction to have been able to pull myself up by my boot straps and just get over it.

My Faith, and the support of others has been something that has been a rock for me to stand on, and a strength for me to lean on nearly every step of the way.

If you don’t understand what I mean by ‘My Faith’, then I would like to take a moment to tell you about an idea called ‘salvation’.

Since we are talking about an addiction to pornography, I am going to assume that you know that something in your life needs some saving grace and mercy.

You are probably familiar with the idea that is at the center most religions and cultures in this world that says that we should ‘get what we deserve’. Some people call it ‘karma’; some religions describe it as ‘an eye for an eye’. It is the idea that their are clear consequences for your actions that are going to require some sort of ‘owning up’ to the cost.

As a porn addict, you are aware that there are immediate consequences for your life every time you indulge in your sin. If God were to leave your salvation from sin up to you (or me for that matter), you know that we would be deep trouble. Why? Because we blow it… over and over again. If ‘karma’ were the final judge in your life, you know that you would be in trouble.

And God would agree. The Bible tells us that God looks at us as if to say, ‘Hey… there are going to be certain results because of your behavior and your rebellion. You are selfish and sinful, and a lot of the time you like it that way. There are consequences to your actions.’

Without a loving God, karma would win the day.

But, God, in his mercy and grace is able to transcend karma, and operate on a totally different level.

One of the most familiar verses in the Bible is John 3:16. It goes like this:

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in him, should not perish but have everlasting life.

This is good news for you!

But it doesn’t end there; open your heart to hear what the next verse says:

For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

This is really good news for you!

God, in His mercy and grace desires to not only save you from an eternal punishment some day in hell, it goes beyond that.

It is God’s desire that you begin to experience a salvation that is living and real, here and now in your day to day life.

God wants to save you from your addiction to pornography!

Can you believe that?

And He is not going to leave you alone in your struggle to find this salvation. He has made the Holy Spirit available to comfort and to guide you; and He has given you the Church to encourage and to help you to press on.

You will need to plug in to both.

If you haven’t already, today is the day that you can return to God. You already know that you are a sinner and that you are trapped and entangled by sins beyond just pornography. You already see the effects that sin in your life. God has made a way, through Jesus, for you to turn from those sins, and begin to ‘walk the other way’. The decision is yours.

Open your heart, and talk to God about how sorry you are for your sins. Confess, your sin to God, and then pause.

Know that God forgives you, every time you fall. Every time you need to return back to Him, ‘hold your sin in your hands.’

God is faithful and just to forgive you every time you turn away from your sin, and return to the cross.

Every time.

But the Faith is not just sin management. There is new life waiting for you, and God desires to renew you from the inside out. That means that He is going to begin to chip away at the effects that your sins, including pornography, and you will begin to experience a real freedom.

You will gain, or regain, your ability to love and be loved again.

God has also provided for you a gift, called the Church.

Now, I understand that you may have a bad taste in your mouth about the Church. I know exactly how you feel. I am a pastor, and their are still certain segments of the Church that cause me to wince and shake my head.

But, here is what I believe. The Church is one of God’s main ways to bring His saving work into the world. If God desires for you to be free from your sin, then He is going to provide another person or people to come along side you for this long journey.