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Ex Porn Star Tamra Toryn

I am VERY excited to announce that another porn star has left porn! Tamra contacted me through Myspace and we immediately connected. She wanted to come out with her story to help educate young girls before they get into porn and suffer major consequences. She also wants those viewing porn to know the truth so they will stop buying into the lie and contributing to women being abused in the industry. She is very outspoken and tells it like it is in an interview with her and I. Talk about two outspoken ex porn stars! Click here to listen to an audio of us talking boldly about the truth behind the porn industry and more!

She boldly writes on her myspace blog:

"Unlike most girls that start their porn careers doing just masturbation, oral or girl/ girl, I went straight for hardcore because I was quote unquote "hardcore" . Attitude check anyone?  My scene was shot Gonzo (reality/amateur style) boy/girl, anal, ATM (ass to mouth)- pay $1000. Expenses and flight all paid. Sounded like a dream come true.

I arrive and a man with a sign awaits me in the baggage claim area with an Escalade limo to pick me up. We stop at Denny's to eat and meet with the director. After we meet, he takes me outside to give me a once over look of approval, we finish eating, and drive to the studio.

Nothing prepared me other than a boot camp workout, my xanax prescription for my anxiety disorder since I was nervous as heck, and a low carb diet for a month to dig up the courage to take my clothes off to do things I never thought I would share on film for the world to see. Tons of people walking around, food provided, etc etc. No STD tests were given or shown since the director assured me that since they were using condoms, I wouldn't have to worry. (Yeah right)

2 hours later, naked, medicated, sore, and wet from jumping off a boat to end the scene like they pushed me off the boat like a useless stupid whore, I received $1000 for my "hard work", praised of a "great job" I did and driven to my friend's house (since I didn't want to stay at the production's beach house with weird people on drugs I didn't know) and extended my stay to celebrate my new life as a "porn star".

This is where real life ended and the delusion of temporary existence began."

You can read the rest of her amazing story at www.myspace.com/miss_Tammie_B Her profile is set to private but if you request to be her friend and mention Pink Cross she will approve you. Please be sure to leave her encouraging comments. She says many myspace friends already reached out to her and it REALLY touched her.

Tamra entered the porn industry at age 26 in 2005 and was involved in making very hardcore movies. After being tired of the abuse and catching HPV, a sexually transmitted disease, she left the porn industry in February, 2008 and now works at a tanning salon in Hollywood. Her dream is to go to Cosmetology school so we are going to do our best to help her make that dream come true. Right now she has a need for new clothes so we want to help her with immediate needs first.

If you have a heart to help Tamra rebuild her life, please donate below. We appreciate everyone who cares about these precious women who are trying to rebuild their lives. It's NOT an easy time for Tamra so we thank you for caring. She struggles with many consequences of porn and Pink Cross Foundation wants to be there for her.

 Check back for an updated blog about our meeting on Monday. I am driving down to Hollywood to take her out to lunch and shopping for new clothes. I can't wait to spend time with her!

Thank you sincerely for caring about precious women like Tamra. We couldn't do it with your help!

Love, Shelley Lubben
President, Pink Cross Foundation

You may donate securely online at:

UPDATE: Tamra and I went shopping in Los Angeles and had a blast! I was able to buy her a couple really nice outfits and a few other things thanks to those of you who donated. I am so thankful you cared about Tamra and she says a HUGE thank you to all of you!

She can't believe how many people care, especially all the people on myspace encouraging her and loving her. She is so thankful for all of your love and support.

Our day together was filled with talking, shopping, laughing, and sharing our stories with each other. My heart broke for some of the things she has been through that she hasn't even mentioned yet. Obviously the girls who just come out of porn need time to sort things out and aren't ready to disclose every trauma they have been through. But I am really proud of her being so strong this soon!

Tamra is very outgoing and friendly and is surprisingly very optimistic about herself and her future. She loves to encourage and counsel so I told her she should think about going to get a counseling degree. She is such a beautiful encourager with a great attitude. I was really surprised. I don't think she said one negative thing the whole time! For someone who just left porn in February and has been through some major tough times, she is definitely on her way to a very bright future!

Below are more pics of us shopping so again we thank you for supporting Pink Cross so we can continue to reach out to precious women like Tamra!

Please consider helping us to finance Tamra to come and join us at the Las Vegas AVN convention in January as we really would love to have her help us reach out to porn stars and porn fans. We will need about $500 to pay for her flight out as well as her meals and hotel costs.

Thanks for caring!

Shelley and Tamra shopping!

Tamra loves her new clothes!

My real name is Christina, not Crissy. “Crissy” was a name that came later and has just sort of stuck. I am quite often asked how someone like me ended up in the adult film industry. I made some really bad choices in life and I do take full responsibility for them. I will not be able to easily escape the reminders of my past because it is something I have no control over. I know that is not who I am anymore. I have a new beginning and a chance to help others not to make the same choices. Remember, it’s not our circumstances that determine who we will be but how we deal with them and it is never too late to change. I was born and raised in Jacksonville, Florida. My earliest memories begin when I was around 4 years of age. Our family of four spent most every Sunday in church. God was always a topic in our home. My parents spent a lot of time teaching my brother and I about His love and praying with and over our lives. My daddy was gentle and loving. My favorite memories have always been sitting in my daddy’s lap with my head on his chest. It was a comfort to listen to his voice and heart beat while he rocked me in his chair reading his bible or singing songs. He would tell me that he was my “Daddy” but God was my “Father.” I fell asleep peacefully many times in his arms that way. My mother always had a song on her heart. Everywhere she went she was singing! It seemed to calm her soul and bring her much happiness. My mom was in the church choir. When she would be up in front of the church singing she would tell my brother and I that she wanted to see and hear us singing from where she sat. That was her way of making sure we were paying attention in church when she was unable to sit with us. After church we would always discuss what we learned during the car ride home. I was a very timid girl. I would blush and hide behind my mom every time my pastor would speak to me when we were leaving church. It just never came natural to me to let people in. I guess I was just sort of comfortable in my little “family bubble”. I didn’t have want or need for much else. I had all the love in the world! Even though those years were the best memories, it was also during this time I that I was first molested. I was swimming over at a neighbor’s house. This family had three little boys who we played with a lot. The father of the boys began fondling me while he was carrying me around in the swimming. He took me to the bathroom when I needed to go and continued to touch me. I was about 5 or 6 years old and I had no idea what was happening but I felt sort of ashamed so I didn’t tell anyone. My brother was two years younger than me and he was my best friend. We were very close as children. We rode bikes, built forts, climbed trees, and just did everything together. He was very outgoing and always had a ton of friends. I was very shy so making friends was much harder for me! When I was 11 years old, I accepted the Lord as my personal Savior. I had a pretty in depth understanding of the gospel. I felt the Spirit move in my heart and despite my shyness I walked forward during an alter call. I prayed with my pastor as tears of happiness streamed down my face. I was baptized about a week later. My number one goal in life was to serve God with every part of it. It was easy as a child to serve Him. I didn’t lie, cheat, steal, and made all A’s and B’s in school. I was an all-around good girl. With lack of life-experience at such a young age I had no idea what obstacles would lie ahead in my young life. At age 12, things drastically began to change in my world. Our family moved a few times, new people were hanging out with my daddy, and he stopped going to church with us. Out of no where it seemed he began drinking alcohol. The people he was affiliated with made me uncomfortable. They were all heavy drinkers and would just hang around the house building bonfires, working on cars, and drinking. They would be up all night listening to music around the bonfire on the weekends. I felt like these men looked at me with lustful eyes even though I was a little girl still. One of my dad’s friends had a son my age. He was constantly trying to have sex with me. I would fight him off or tell on him. When I realized that his father was abusing him, I stopped and just dealt with it my own way. They lived with us for a while and things were really rough. Our family was struggling financially, too. My dad had become an alcoholic. His thinking became irrational. He would rage and lash out at my mom. He put his fists through things all the time. He would go out to bars and come home with gun shot wounds, broken knuckles, bruises and blood on him. He would say he was preaching the Word and someone didn’t like it. I remember wishing my parents would get divorced because I just could not stand to hear the fighting. It hurt to see my mom crying though she always did her best to hide it. Late one night while my brother and I were at home asleep we were awakened by my parents fighting after they came home from a Christmas party. The arguing was so bad and my brother and I just stayed in the room scared to come out crying. We heard things crashing, my dad yelling, and my mother crying and trying to plea with him. She usually would come get us and go to my grandmas but this time he was threatening her so she ran out of the house without us. My dad came into our room gave us each a trash bag and told us to put in them what we wanted to take. He then ran off with us to another part of ....Florida..... That year I was supposed to be “Mary” in the church Christmas program but we left before I got to. My brother and I missed our mom. We did not speak with her for several days and when we did we weren’t allowed to tell her where we were. After we moved into a trailer we were allowed to tell her. She started coming out to visit us and each time my dad would drink and become aggressive with her. She eventually stopped coming and just called. My dad’s behavior was too much to take at times. The alcohol was an everyday thing. Some days were good and some were bad. I had the responsibilities of an adult. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping… and making sure my dad was somewhere safe when he would pass out. He still preached the Word to us and I always learned a lot from his wisdom even though his ways were messed up. He always said “Don’t ever say you want to grow up to be like me. I am no one. Try to be like Jesus.” My dad had a good heart but he had struggles that I, as a child, had no idea about. I still don’t. I was about to go into 8th grade when I told my daddy that I wanted to go live with my mother. My mother remarried and I was becoming a woman at age 13 and felt I needed a more stable life. My brother agreed to stay and watch after my dad. My daddy didn’t take it so good. He would cry about it all the time. He was worried about how my life might change and how he couldn’t protect me anymore. At this point, I was extremely confused about God because no one ever taught me how Jesus works in our struggles. My dad would drop us off at church and come get us afterwards. Things seemed to be a bit hopeless. My mother and step-dad did not attend church. Life with them was a lot different. They had a nicer house, nice vehicles, and could afford to buy me better clothes than my dad. While this was great, no one was really spending time with me. My mother saturated herself into her life with my step-dad. I never had a moment of her time to myself. I became withdrawn and just lived in my own little world in my bedroom. I slept a lot, listened to music on the radio, and went to school. I lost sight of God’s presence in my life. I was very depressed. I prayed to Him and expected things to change and nothing ever did. I was so alone and so confused. My dad had always put the fear of God in me when it came to having sex, my mom just told me to let her know when I did so she could put me on birth control. I lost my virginity at age 17 to a guy who was much older. I didn’t love him so I thought that my heart would be safe. My depression took over my life and I was failing high school. I went to summer school every year to get to the next grade. At age 18, I started dating a new boy who was in college. It was the summer before my senior year when I became pregnant by him. He and my mother took me to have an abortion. It took two trips to the clinic because the first time I freaked out when I saw a sonogram and saw the heartbeat flashing on the screen. My heart was just broken into a million pieces. I wanted to be a mother. I longed to feel the kind of love only a family could bring in my life again. I stayed in school and worked really heard my senior year to graduate with my class. I dropped all friends and any activities. I had to bring up my grade point average drastically which required going to night school at a community college and NO electives at all. In order to graduate I had to make all A’s in all courses just about. My senior year I made all A’s and a couple of B’s and was able to walk with my class. Eventually my mom and step-dad told me I needed to move out on my own. This is when I began cohabitating with men. It was the best option I had as I had to work multiple jobs just to make half of the rent. I had no girl friends. My search for love and approval continued into my adult life. I dated men and worked hard to keep the relationships together by trying my best to be the kind of woman any man would want. The men in my life never turned out to be the prince charming that I always thought I would have. No one had ever taught me anything about dating. My only guide was to look back on my parents lives. I went through one break-up after another. My relationships lasted anywhere from 3 months to 2 years. At age 24, I discovered the internet at work. I put pictures on online dating sites because it was hard to meet men since I didn’t have a community of friends to hang out with. I was so secluded. I became reckless with my life. Men were offering to fly me to different states to meet them. I was flattered in a weird way and I had never left ....Florida.... in my life. In pursuit of love, I allowed myself to be used for sex. I equated physical touch with love. Clearly, my views were skewed. During this time I put myself in many dangerous situations and I won’t lie, there was a part of me that wanted to end up dead. There was also a part of me that thought maybe someone would actually love me enough to rescue me. This was also the time when I found an online modeling website. The “models” on the website did not look like what I always thought a model looked like. They were regular people and they had testimonies under their pictures from photographers who had shot them. I thought maybe I could make a little extra money doing that. When the emails started coming in I was beside myself. People actually thought I was pretty enough to pay to take photos of me??? I was just a regular girl, never the one considered “beautiful”. The only problem was I was still pretty shy AND most of the jobs offered were nude or topless. After a few months of getting these offers and declining I hit rock bottom after a break-up. Instead of reaching out to God (who I lost hope was there) I took my first topless job. Why did it matter anyway, so many men who I had dated looked at it. Maybe if I was that girl they would have no need to look elsewhere. The photographer sent me beautiful photos of other girls he shot and the fact that he wanted to shoot me made me feel somehow I was as pretty as those girls were. It made me feel desired. Not quite love, but close enough. It was only supposed to be a topless shoot, and the first time I took my top off in front of the photographer I felt so inadequate. I had never even been fully comfortable walking around in a bikini because I was so shy! I got completely nude on day two of the shoot. I replaced the snapshots I had used on my online portfolio originally with nude and topless photos. Within a matter of a couple of months I quit my office job of 5 years. I ended up traveling a lot and taking tons of photos in hopes of maybe making it into a magazine. The shots were nude but pretty tame. I started a website and began making a monthly income. I developed a fan base. People would email me about how my existence filled something in their lives. The strange thing was as lonely as these men seemed, I was just as lonely. I too was searching for something to fill a void inside of me. I became what they all wanted me to be. If someone told me I was beautiful it made me feel good enough to stay alive. I felt pretty worthless so in my mind at least I had some sense of purpose. I was still having meaningless relationships in hopes that one may one day be meaningful. Each man who entered my life would lift me up just to break me down. I discovered how perverted and calloused a man could be. The men in my life exploited everything about me. They would encourage me to go further in my limits in the business. Some even become involved as photographers or webmasters. They just wanted to take and take and take. I was involved with an abusive man for nearly 3 of the 6 years I was in the business. I moved from ..Florida.. to ..California.. then to ....Las Vegas.... with this man. I was physically and emotionally abused and he introduced me to drugs like cocaine and crystal meth. I was binge drug user. I would use because he did. It helped me escape the reality of what my life had become. I should have ended up dead the first time I touch crystal meth after being awake for 14 days. A friend of mine saw how this man was treating me and helped me leave the relationship. I moved to ....Los Angeles.., ..CA..... I signed a contract with a company to run my website and they took over. After a year I met and moved in with a new boyfriend. The relationship was not abusive at all and I felt pretty secure. I continued working in the business and trying to maintain a normal relationship. My anxiety was high in social situations because I was always afraid to tell people what I did for a living so I would lie about it and say I did bikini modeling. It seemed that the relationship was going nowhere. My boyfriend would send out my photos to his friends and brag. I never knew if he really cared about me but I felt safe because he was not abusing me. After a year and eight months the relationship fell apart. I found out something that really hurt me and for the first time in forever I cried out to God. I asked him to show me He was there. A few days later I met someone who led me back to God. He told me that God loved me and desired a relationship with me. I knew that God was at that moment speaking to me through my new friend. I broke down in tears and prayed with my new friend and accepted the Lord back into my heart. From that day on I did not do another porn shoot. I moved out of my boyfriends’ home into my first apartment, alone. I asked my webmasters to take my website down but they refused since I was locked into a contract. They asked where to send my portion of the money and I said I do not want it, just take the site down. I had no job for months and got by with the help of donations and friends from church. It took a lot of time to develop normal friendships. I was scared to death because I felt like no matter where I went I had a big sign on me that told who I used to be. I now was the real me and I didn’t know how to be that person. Changing was hard. All the things I hid behind like hair extensions, nails, clothes were gone. I felt so exposed. I think that if it hadn’t been for the conviction in my heart I may still be there. I am thankful that Christ intervened. In Him I can live again! And that's why I am writing this to you. My hope is that my story will give you hope. God loves you and has a plan for your life. I love the words of Jeremiah: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." That's what God has done for me. That's what He'll do for you. You may visit Christina at her myspace to read more about her amazing story at www.myspace.com/yourfriendcrissy

The Hardcore Story of Porn Star Michelle Avanti

My name is Madelyne but I am also known as porn actress Michelle Avanti who has done over 100+ XXX hardcore movies.

My life began on April 19, 1980. Both my parents were young when they had me and my father was addicted to alcohol and drugs. They ended up divorcing and my mother became a single parent. At times my mother worked three jobs to make sure I had everything I needed but what I needed most she didn’t give me. I needed her love and wanted a mother daughter relationship especially since my father wasn’t in the picture. But instead of receive the love I needed I was raised by after school programs.

Growing up I was different from other kids. I never felt accepted anywhere. By the time I was in middle school I started to get in trouble. Eventually I got kicked out of high school. By this point I was doing whatever I wanted to do and started exploring alcohol, drugs and sex until one day I got raped by a friend of mine and it wasn't going to be last time. I was able to finish my high school credits at an alternative school and barely graduated.

I went on to take college courses at the local community college but wasn't able to finish due to my crazy party life.  I was able to get a job working as a cocktail server and beer girl behind the bar to support my addictions. I thought my life was so much fun because I was able to drink, be wild and meet new people. I would drink so much that I would forget to work and my employers got fed up and fired me.

From Party Life to Porn

I tried to get a real job but was missing my good ole party life and wasn’t making my quick fast tips I was used to. I decided to go back to work at the bar on the weekends. One night I met a guy who came in from the navy base. We started hanging out and partying together. I thought for sure this was the one because he made me feel so good and gave me all the love that I never had.  The relationship turned rocky and I became very depressed and started using more drugs and drinking heavily and we began to have major fall outs that eventually led to verbal and physical abuse. It got so bad that he started using too and we both had to go our separate ways. 

One day a friend and I took a trip on Amtrak to visit some friends down south. We never made it to our destination because we were so high. We met a guy and began flirting with him and within minutes we were partying. I told him how I just broke up with my fiancé and lost my job and how I had no money to pay for my bills. He said he could possibly help me out and that he was a porn star and the industry was looking for female talent. He also assured me that everyone is clean and tested for all sexually transmitted diseases. In porn you do get tested for STDs but ONLY for HIV, Chlamydia and Gonorrhea. They don’t test you for Hepatitis A, B, or C or staph infections, yeast infections, Genital Herpes or HPV which is very common in the porn industry.  

 I didn't really hesitate and was definitely not in my right mind. I just heard dollar signs and I was desperate. My friend ended up going back home on the Amtrak and I stayed with a complete stranger. I was scared and nervous now that I was alone and didn’t have single clue about what I was getting myself into.  All I knew was I was going to make tons and tons of money. Boy was I wrong! The average I ever got paid was $900-$1000and had to give 10% to the agent and 5% to the driver. My agent forced me to use a driver because he knew I was always wasted. About 75% of the women who make porn have to have drivers because they’re addicted to drugs and alcohol.

When I was first introduced to my agent I told him I had no limits and would do it all. But I had NO idea what I was saying. I didn’t know about all the hardcore sex acts I would be forced to do. All I knew was that I wanted to catch up on my bills and then get out. So I signed a one year contract and only worked for him. I took pictures for the site and went to AIM (Adult Industry Medical Facility) and got my test.

My First Hardcore Scene

My first scene was booked and I was terrified.  It was a hardcore scene and my first scene ever on camera. I tried backing out and wanted to go home and not do porn at all but the male porn star I first met said I could not back out because I had signed a contract. I was threatened that if I did not do the scene I was going to get sued for lots of money. So I ended up taking shots of vodka to get me through it. As I did more and more scenes I abused prescription pills which were given to me anytime I wanted by several Doctors in the San Fernando Valley. I was given Vicodin, Xanax, Norcos, Prozac and Zoloft. The doctors knew I did porn but still gave me any prescription pills I wanted. All I had to do was tell them I needed them to get through hardcore scenes. In fact, any porn star can get just about any prescription from certain doctors in the San Fernando area. Maybe the doctors get kickbacks from porn producers. Who knows.

Some of my experiences on the porn set include me being totally wasted and porn producers allowed me to be and even provided alcohol and drugs for me. I experienced rough sex scenes and have been hit by male talent and told them to stop but they wouldn’t stop until I started to cry and ruined the scene. During one specific scene called “Bukkake” I was really high and the producers knew it and they told me to use a Douche to pretend I was urinating on another performer but I had an accident and instead I defecated on the performer. I was so humiliated and wanted to die. They told me it was okay and not to worry that they weren’t going to make a big deal about it and the next thing I know they blasted the scene all over the web. I felt totally degraded.

My Worst Hardcore Scene

The worst scene I ever did was during my first couple weeks in the business. The agent who handled all my bookings called me the day before the scene and said it would be similar to a solo masturbation scene. Then he added that there would also be about 10-15 guys masturbating to me and ejaculating on my body. He said it would be quick and easy money. I agreed to do the scene and showed up to the studio at the late-evening call time.

When I arrived I saw a massively long line of men outside the studio. I recognized very few of them as “talent.” Most of them were strangers I had never seen before and I wondered why they were there. I didn’t greet them but just took a deep breath and walked through the doors. 

I asked the make-up artist what was going on outside and why there were so many men.  She giggled and said, “They’re all here for you, girl! For the Bukakke!”

I thought to myself, “What the hell is that?” I quickly called my agent and said that there were so many men - at least 75! My agent told me that I had to do it and if I didn't, he would charge me and I would lose any other bookings I had because I would make his agency look bad. I was really new to the business and didn't want to cause problems with the agency. So I went through with it because I didn't want to lose out on money - that was the whole reason I was there. 

While the make-up artist was making me look pretty, she instructed me to get fluids all over my face. She said the majority of the men weren’t in the business and didn't have a clue what they were getting themselves into. She also said the company did Bukakkes every other week and put ads in the LA weekly to give men a shot at their big fantasy of ejaculating all over young fresh faces and appearing in a porn movie. 

I couldn’t believe it. I was sick to my stomach knowing some of these men could have wives and daughters waiting for them at home. What would they think if they knew where their husband or daddy was? And what would these men do if their daughters were up there like me, drunk and high, while the producers stood by and allowed it? And I never did see any proof of their STD tests because I was too high. To this day I have no idea how 75 men could have been tested to do a porn movie with me. 

By the time I was done with make-up, dealing with my agent, and at the same time trying to build some confidence to do this horrifying scene, it was already 10pm. One of the crew members offered me vodka and beer. 

This so-called “quick scene” had not even started and I had to let each one of those men masturbate to me and shoot their bodily fluids all over my face and body. I drank a few more shots, finally loosened up, checked out emotionally and mentally, and got through the scene. 

It was absolutely horrible. After the scene ended the photographer made me take pictures with the 75 men who had just ejaculated on me while I stood there covered with their bodily fluids forcing myself to smile. I felt so gross and disgusted with myself that I couldn’t even look at the film when I was sober.

As I continued to do hardcore porn I started catching STDs all the time. My lower body hurt so badly and at times my private area felt like it was a blazing fire. I always seemed to get yeast infections and bladder infections so bad that I would bleed whenever I peed. I also ripped my vagina and butt from all the hardcore scenes I did. 

STDs, infections and addiction

I could no longer work because I caught so many STDs and infections. So I devoted all my time to my addictions and was out of control. I felt completely hopeless. I eventually ran out of money and asked my agent for more work but he said no one wanted to hire me because my drug and alcohol problem was out of control. I told him I thought that was funny because on the porn sets they always provided alcohol and drugs to the girls. He suggested I escort and strip to make quick and easy money. He said in the mean time he would try to get me a few scenes to help me get some money.

I started to make money again and never once paid any of my bills. It all went to drugs and alcohol. It only got worse for me. One day while driving I ran a red light and got pulled over for a DUI. I got arrested and my car was impounded. I lost my car because I had no money to pay all the fines. You would think I would have learned my lesson but no, I got arrested again, overdosed twice and the ambulance took me both times to Kaiser Hospital where I had no insurance and no money to pay them. They told me since I couldn’t pay that they could just write it off. California taxpayers probably ended up paying my bill. I also went to Tarzana Treatment Center which the County of Los Angeles helped me pay for.  

I eventually left the treatment center and rented a little room from an elderly lady I found on Craig’s list who was as much a drunk as I was. I didn’t care about myself. I was a total mess and no hope and faith for myself. I just figured oh well who cares I have no one and nothing. I ended up booking a scene on my own and convinced the director I could still perform. I ended up partying right after and all the cash I made from the scene was gone.  I had nothing. No ID, no credit card or money. 

God answered my prayer!

In January, 2009, I cried out to God to please help me and told Him I couldn’t live like this anymore. I told Him I would give myself to Him if He would help me. The next few days I made some phone calls and moved back home. It felt so good to see them and a burst of energy ran through my body. God kept His promise and rescued me from the porn industry.

Now that I am out of the business and away from the horrible porn lifestyle I am excited to receive a special gift from God to have a baby and start my life over. Yes, I am pregnant and single but I know God has a plan for me. He even helped me overcome my addictions and I have been sober ever since I left. Everyday is a challenge and but as long as I practice and follow His steps I know He will not give up on me.

I have learned my addictions are parasites and suck the life out of me. I have learned that my addictions are alcohol, prescription pills, drugs, doing porn and sex work.  Yes most definitely my addictions have promised me pleasure and have consumed my thoughts, time, money and energy.  They have stolen away my loyalty and heart for those I love and who love me. I am determined I will never live that old life again and that I must destroy my addictions and if I don't they will destroy me again.

I was talking with some friends and they brought up Shelley Lubben and the Pink Cross Foundation. I looked up her site on the internet and emailed her.  The next day I was contacted by the Pink Cross staff and was sent a beautiful care package.  I received a very nice card from Shelley and it meant so much to me. I met up with her and had such a wonderful time with her we talked and had such a yummy lunch.  I am so happy to have Shelley and the Pink Cross support me and help me through my recovery and pregnancy. I really admire her and think that she is an amazing and beautiful person inside and out and a true leader.

I am very proud to be a part of Pink Cross because they are helping me rebuild my faith and most importantly build a strong healthy relationship with my family. I am especially thankful to my Lord Jesus Christ for setting me free and making me a totally new creation! My hope is that everyone reading my story will stop viewing porn and stop hurting women like me who get sucked into the lie of the porn industry and instead let God heal you like He is doing for me. We’re all made for something better than porn.

I love you and am praying for you,

Madelyne

*A note from Shelley:

If you were touched by Madelyne’s story please leave her loving comments at her myspace www.myspace.com/newmaddie as this will really help her to heal. This was NOT easy for Madelyn to tell the raw details of her experience in porn and she really needs your love and support more than ever, especially with being pregnant and trying to recover at the same time. Her baby is due mid July and she has many needs. We also want to send her to beauty school in September and want to support her and the baby while she attends school. Thank you for any help you can give to Madelyne. Yes, she's having a girl and needs baby clothes size 12 months and older. (She has enough newborn clothes).

 We are extremely grateful for any help you can give to these precious women. 

6077 Coffee Rd. #4

PMB 33

Bakersfield, CA. 93308

I was a stripper, model and porn star from 1995-2006. I am formerly known as Alexa Milano.

I was naïve when I first started stripping. A friend of mine suggested I try out on “audition” night at a local strip club and of course my heart was saying, “No, I can’t do this!” But I saw girls dancing and men literally throwing money at them on the stage!!! But I still couldn’t do it.

I kept thinking about the INSTANT CASH and that I’d be able to pay my bills, buy food, whatever! So, I showed up and there I was standing on the stage, almost naked in front of probably 200 guys hooting and hollering and THROWING MONEY at me!!!

I was scared to death but had seen all the money! I finished my song...a few others took their turn and next thing I know they announced the winner and it was.....ME!!! The attention from men and the money were too good to pass up. But time would prove me wrong and I began to feel dirty and used by men.

I already had a past history of abuse by men, including my alcoholic father who beat my mother daily and then shot himself in the head in front of me when I was nine years old. My mother never allowed us to speak of it. So I never received healing or understood what love meant. I only knew the abuse I saw growing up. Stripping offered me the attention and love I desperately craved and because I was naïve I swallowed the lie.

One night while I was working, I was approached by a well known porn star who feature danced at the club I was stripping at. She told me how great the money in porn was and that I would be safe in the porn industry. She made it sound so glamorous. Next thing you know I’m off to Los Angeles to become a porn star.

I did a few porn movies but it was so traumatizing that I eventually went back to stripping. I couldn’t handle the pain and trauma of making porn. The sex acts were extremely painful and degrading.

My first movie I was treated very rough by 3 guys. They pounded on me, gagged me with their penises, and tossed me around like I was a ball! I was sore, hurting and could barely walk. My insides burned and hurt so badly. I could barely pee and to try to have a bowel movement was out of the question. I was hurting so bad from the physical abuse from these 3 male porn stars! I swore I’d never do porn again but here I was being flown back to Los Angeles again only this time for a very well known porn company.

I ended up doing a few scenes for this new kind of DVD that was new to the industry where, when we did scenes, the porn star guys face would never be shown....only the girls. These DVD's were the kind where when a fan would buy it, they could pick and choose what kind of scene they wanted to view such as blow jobs, Mish, anal, girl/girl, etc. It was a horrible experience and I just wanted out of there!

There was always alcohol and drugs readily available on the sets. Whatever you wanted, they would or could get it. In fact, the set I worked on for two videos, the stars had their own "doctor" with them! I would see the doctor giving out pills or giving B12 injections (or so they told me it was B12!) I never got involved with any major drugs, I only smoked marijuana and drank Vodka.

As I began to hate porn more and more I remember one porn set where a director really frightened me when she pulled down her pants to show off her Herpes. That did it for me.

I returned to stripping and suddenly my life came crashing down around me when I was involved in a serious car accident with my alcoholic/drug addict boyfriend in 2006. It was the wakeup call I needed and it changed my life forever.

The next thing I knew was I woke up in the hospital with a ruptured bladder, lacerated spleen, kidney & liver, broken ribs, dislocated shoulder, soft tissue damage in my left shoulder and a laceration of my upper right arm. I had a shattered femur and now have a titanium rod.

Since 2006, I have been in recovery from the accident and unable to work. I have carpal tunnel in both hands from using a walker for a few months and I had to have surgeries on both elbows. I also have arthritis in my hip and elbows where the screws are.

Somehow I managed to survive that accident, but I was in the trauma unit for 2 weeks. I did physical therapy, but never received therapy for my mental or emotional feelings. I tried a psychologist and he made me feel worse by giving me psych meds. I hated him and the meds, plus I didn’t have insurance and could not afford his fees.

I received a small settlement from the accident for which I lived on for the past 3 years. It is gone. I am with nothing and cannot work due to my filing of an SSI claim. I can’t get regular disability because I didn’t pay into social security enough money to cover me, so I had to file for SSI.

Right now I owe 4 months back rent as well as ALL my other bills. I'm very depressed and feeling worthless at this very minute. It’s hard for me to even type.

All this for walking into an industry I thought was glamorous. The drugs, the alcohol, the drunk I met in the strip club who I trusted to drive me home that night. No, the sex industry is not glamorous. Hanging out with drug addicted alcoholic sexually diseased people who abuse and hate is not glamorous.

I have a hard time making and keeping friends. Everyone thinks of me as a stripper/porn star. I am virtually a recluse in my home. When I go out, I do not look at people, and I prefer to keep to myself. I just feel very dirty and used from my past in the exotic entertainment business.

I try to get close to God because when I was younger my mother took me to church and instilled good Christian values in me. I have ALWAYS been a Christian and known that God must have been watching over me. I should be dead by now but I have to believe I’m here for a reason.
I really want to go back to the Baptist church where I was baptized but I am afraid they will judge me for my past.

That’s when I was flipping through the channels one day and saw the "MTV True Life" episode with Shelley and Pink Cross Foundation on there and was so excited that there is a group that we, as ex porn stars can go to and find hope and prayer! Amen!!! The Pink Cross site is totally awesome and I am so darn proud of Shelley for making such a wonderful place for us to go to for encouragement and prayers. The site is big and I actually haven't been able to check it all out, but I will!! From what I've seen and read, it is absolutely remarkable!!! I signed up for the newsletter and I also am going to get help in the forums.

I am so grateful for the help Pink Cross offers and already I feel there really is hope for me and as Shelley keeps telling me, “God has a special purpose for me.” I really want to believe that. I hope my story is part of that special purpose and helps many who are thinking of getting into the sex industry or who are addicted to pornography. I want them to know the truth so they don’t have to suffer like many of us have.

Porn is not glamorous. It hurts people. It almost killed me. But praise be to Jesus Christ I am still here to tell my story.

Thank you to all of you who support Pink Cross and help women like me. I sincerely thank you for giving me hope again!
Blessings through God!

Melissa
AKA Alexa Milano/former porn star

Please help Melissa rebuild her life and donate generously at www.thepinkcross.org, a 501(c)(3)non-profit organization dedicated to helping women and men recover from the porn industry. We want to help Melissa with her immediate needs and help her find a job she can perform with her physical limitations.Thank you for caring!